This Kind Lady

There is this old lady that I know. She used to be the maid in my uncle's home. She is so sweet and kind, so humble and polite, so generous and forgiving.She doesn't have any high education or any clever theory about life or how it should be lived, and she's not even a Christian, but it seems that her life already reflects how a child of God should be. You can't imagine God not letting such a sweet and tender soul into Heaven.

After all the terrible things her husband did to her, she forgave him and tried to convince her daughter to forgive him.

She doesn't have much money but she shares everything that she has with everyone. If some fruits or vegetables grow in her little garden, she wouldn't hesitate to call my mom and me to come and eat the salad that she make, and we are not even related. We are just the relatives of her master but she treated us so kindly and every year she calls us to ask how our lives have been.

She has struggle so hard with a difficult life so full of troubles, but you hardly hear her speak ill of anyone.

She is an example of a person that makes me believe, no matter what religion or what faith you have, if your heart and your life reflect the love of God, then you are God's child.  A saint usually comes in such a lowly position in the eyes of the world.

I wish I could be like her. Simple,patient, kind and loving...and all those fruits of the holy spirit stated in the Bible, seem to come naturally from her.

And look at me, reading thousands of books, consulting so many people, thinking this and thinking that, doubting  this and that, trying to find answers to those complicated philosphical questions....but my life deosn't reflect even half of the light that her life has reflected. I'm too busy thinking so I don't have enough time to love.

Parallel Realities

Today I saw the movie "Source Code", very interesting. It makes me think of parallel worlds, a what-would-it-be-if-we-did-it-right kind of world. In every moment we make decisions and our future is the result of those decisions and actions that we choose. But have you ever imagined what our life would be like, if we made some decisions differently in our life? Maybe those realities do exist, but it's just that we choose it this way so we experience this reality, instead of those realities.

Anyway,since lately I've been writing a novel about an important mistake I did many years ago, after watching that movie I couldn't help imagining that parallel reality of what-would-it-be- if-I-did-it-right. If I had the courage to be honest and tell that particular person that I loved him, maybe I might have had, at least, a period of my life that I can be with him and be happy. Or maybe he would deny my love and broke my heart but then afterward I live a life of no regrets, being proud of myself for having the courage to do what I really should do. My whole life might be different, I might be a different person and have more courage to do more things that I used to be afraid of. I might end up with a different career, a different lifestyle, or even a different boyfriend, I don't know. And maybe the life of this person I love might be totally different from what it is today too.

I can't help but hope a little bit that if that reality exist, will God let me experience it a bit before my soul leave this body? Just once, maybe, to know what kind of life I've missed.

moment of inspiration

I have no energy today. Chronic fatique, again. I got out of the taxi and wandered around for I have some twenty minutes before the lesson. I didn't know how I was going to teach my students in such a weary condition of body and mind. Then I saw him.

He was a middle-aged man, selling hotdogs and meatballs. He sold them so cheap. From looking at him, everyone can notice that he has some kind of disorder. He couldn't keep still. It was so hard for him to focus or do things slowly. It was hard for him to grap meatball sticks firmly. But oh, he tried so hard to please his customers. He gave them sincere smile, polite and kind words, he grilled the snacks for us with all the love in his heart and all the effort he put into cooking them. He tried so hard. And I was so touched. I was so deeply touched and inspired.

It was a bad day for me but that moment was like a candle in the dark. A little voice in my heart I heard "Just try. It's enough. Just try. That's all you have to do."

My Resting Place

This is truly my resting place
A bed to lie down and dream peacefully
This is truly my resting place
Where river of thought can run quietly

No one reads them, I assume.
No one comes in here.
No comments, no pageviews
Just like my own diary.

A secret wish is there, though
I wish I could have readers
those who read and just think
those who read and not judge

But never mind...
for loneliness and I
have always been friends

demon attacked

My heart is so weary today. My body is full of fatique. My mind is unrest. The ghosts still come back to haunt me. In between my sleep and my wake, I was tortured by something more than a nightmare and I don't know what to do about it. In the world where most people don't believe things spritually anymore, who can I talk to about this? When my parents look worried, all I can do is just tell them that I'm sick again. Just tell them I have a headache, chest pain, stomachache, etc. I can't tell them that I am attacked by some spirits and I can't have peaceful sleep. And now I don't even have to sleep, it's right here inside my body.

I don't know why it comes back. I thought it was over with. Now I feel it in my body again, burning and torturing me. I asked God through the Bible, all that He said to me was the story of Paul and his thorn in the flesh. Is that the same case with me? Does that mean I will never be completely free from such torment for the rest of my life? I am so ashamed but I can't help but wondering that it doesn't sound like a loving God.

Yes, I know I lack faith. I should trust.

But this torment comes also as a temptation, asking me to do something that might lead me to that line between light and darkness again. Will God left me to fight this temptation alone? Or is He just telling me that after all nothing is forbidden or sinful?

Suddenly, I remember something I read a few days ago. It's a visualizing technique designed particularly for those who suffer this type of torment. It used to work with me once.

Oh..my God. I just did it and it worked! I'll keep this technique as my life line then. That darkness didn't completely disappear but at least I feel better for a while. At least it's better than having no way out at all.

confused

Sometimes there are things that I really don't know if I have done the right or the wrong thing. Sometimes there are things happening during my sleep, not exactly a dream, but more vivid and real, and I don't know why it happen to me and I don't know if it meant anything. There are so many things that I don't understand and I want to understand.

But...I guess I just have to...wait until I find the answer. Nothing else I can do.

"trying" to do God's will

Today I'm supposed to be at the meditation course. My teacher said that it's important to practice regularly. But then at about 2.30 am, I couldn't fall asleep because I sneezed and sneezed and sneezed. And I knew that if I continued like that for the rest of the night, going to a meditation course would be a waste of time because I would be falling asleep instead of meditating the whole day long. I don't understand why things like this keep happening before the day that I want to do something good. I asked God last night, "Why? You don't want me to go?" I sneezed until my whole body felt so exhausted. So I said, "Ok, dear God. If you don't want me to go. Let me sneeze 3 times or more in the morning." Then I went back to bed with a Vicks bottle near my nose. And then finally I could sleep. I didn't sneeze anymore.

Then I woke up early in the morning, feeling rather sleepy, hoping that God would make me sneeze so that I didn't have to go. But no, I was fine. No more sneezing. So I said, "Ok, dear God. I will go then. If you want me to go, I'll go. Whatever you want." So I gathered my strength, got out of bed, went to my closet, and began to get change, feeling so ready for a day of good work. Then...I felt it's coming. Oh no...I'm so ready to go now, dear God! Why now?! And then achew! achew! achew....achew!...and achew!

Hmmm...I was all set to go and then.... Well, I gave Him my promise so I would just do what He told me to do. I really did sneeze more than three times so I called my meditation teacher that couldn't go (again) and she sounded so disppointed. And I felt bad.


Sometimes God told me to do things I really don't understand. But anyway, I've promised him that I would try to my best to follow His will everyday. So...I'll just do it. The problem is...sometimes I don't know if I hear Him correctly. Anyway, if I misunderstood Your will, then please forgive me dear God. I really did try.

The thing that blocks you from your dream

    Yesterday I had to look way back into my childhood to get some memory to create a scene in my novel. There was this particular moment when I was ten years old. I was standing alone  with the boy that I was in love with, we were talking joyfully. Then a fear came up from the depth of my mind and I suddenly walked away from him. Afterward I felt so angry at myself for doing that, for walking away from the moment so precious. And I didn't understand myself why I had done it. I hadn't been able to until I've become a mature adult and look back. It wasn't just that time, but this kind of fear kept returning to me, kept blocking me from going to the one my heart loves the most, until all the doors are closed and no more chance was left. This same fear also occurs to me and stop me from becoming a writer, my dream career.
    Have you ever felt this way? You are in front of your dream and you know that it is in reach and you can grasp, but there is this terrible fear, fear that it might not make it and fail, fear that failing would crush your life forever, so you stop and decide that you better not try.

   It is not an easy thing to overcome. But I will try. This time I promise that no matter what, I will try. It has to be little by little. I might not just wake up one day and become a fearless person. But at least, now I've learned that facing that fear or even making some mistakes is better that living a life of regrets, a life filled with wasted opportunities.

New perspective

Dr. John F. Demartini and his book "Count Your Blessings" give me a new perspective to look at life. Lately, it's not just this book but there are many books and many things that seem to guide me toward this perspective of the world. So I talk to God today and I say, "Ok, dear God, I'll assume that this is what you meant for me to learn. I'll take this kind of perspective although it isn't really exactly what traditional Christianity or Catholics teach me. I'll make an experiment. If this is from you, then it will bring peace and happiness to my heart."

This is the new thing I'm learning to believe in: Everthing is one. All things go according to God's great plan and even sorrow, pain, and sufferring has its purposes and place. Don't judge anything but love everything. Be thankful for everything that happen to your life. Believe in the unconditional love that transcends all beings and you will discover the key to the essence of your own soul and discover your calling on Earth.

PS. That wasn't exactly from Demartini, just my summary of everything that I learn from his book and from other sources. I believe God wants me to embrace this world view. So far, it does me no harm and it seems to give me....yeah...peace, really, deep, deep peace inside my heart. :)

fear and media

Just walking away from a scary shark movie, I can't stand watching it till the end. There are some scenes too violent to be fun for me. Maybe I'm a sensitive type. Although I know that sharks in nature don't behave that way, some scenes that are intended to show off the cruelty make me feel so uncomfortable.

The rest of my family still enjoy the movie. And I hope that my sister will not be offended by me walking away. When I was younger, I seem to be so immune to the violence in media. Back then I enjoyed scary, shocking movies like that. But not anymore, I can't anymore. I don't know why. It does something to my mind.

I am not going to say to anyone "please don't watch such movies." Lately I learn that people are so different and that violence scenes don't seem disturb some people at all. I don't know about subconsciousness level,though. I heard from some experts and monks that violence from media will be accumulated into your subconsciousness without you knowing it. It happens that way no matter if you are children or adults. But if I say "don't watch it, it'll get into your mind" I guess they will laugh back and say "hey, I'm not a kid and I'm not a weak type like you"

I don't say that anyone watching this type of film is wrong. But I just hope that they would understand me why I don't. 

Another thing on my mind is...poor sharks. In nature, they don't behave like in those scary movies. But I don't know how many people get the wrong the idea from the media and view them as monsters. I love the sea and I study a lot about the living things under it. Sharks don't normally attack things that aren't its natural food (seals, fish,etc) or they might attack just out of curiosity. They don't chase after people's boat or jump right up to the people on the boat to eat them. I have seen two documentary films showing Great White Sharks doing no harm to the divers who went under the water to free them from the net they had been tangled with. The two divers were naturalists and they truly love this big animal. I guess the sharks can feel that love. After they were free from the net, they just left the area. They could have turned and swollowed the two human hanging in the water there but they didn't. Another documentary film shows divers feeding a flock of shark by handing fish right to their mouth. The sharks did no harm at all to the divers who are not protected by any cage. They take food from human hand like dogs taking meat from its owner. And these are wild sharks, not pet.

I am not saying that sharks are harmless or not dangerous. Yes, they are coz they eat meat. They are predators. But still...they are God's creature...not monsters. I think what more cruel than a shark biting a human is human cutting off shark's fin and threw their bodies back into the water, leaving them to die a slow painful death.