Movie Reviews: Choosing Love instead of Hate :)

I have just watched two very precious movies. One is a children film "How to Train Your Dragon." The other one is the acclaimed musical film "Les Miserables." Although quite different in the mood and tone, both films deliver a beautiful theme: if you choose love instead of hatred, amazing things can happen. 

 In a Viking village, everybody hates and is afraid of dragons. They are pests. They are enemies. They must be killed. Everyone is taught that way from childhood. But the only son of the Viking leader has accidentally discovered the truth, dragon can be trained, they can be pet or even your friend. You just have to let them trust you and show them that you mean no harm. The bond of friendship between the boy and his dragon is such a beautiful thing to watch. And the ending is something that make you think....there are so many things in our lives that we despise, we view some people as enemies, but if we choose to look at them in the eyes  and see how much they are like you, and choose to love them instread of hate them, the enemies will disappear because they will become our friends instead. How beautiful our world can be! I recommend this film for all children. It is very important to instill this awareness in our youth.

 A prisoner who is branded as evil is sent out on a parole with a heart full of hatred for his warden and everyone. He hates the world. He lookes out for revenge. But after a priest took him inside a shelter for a place to sleep, gave him food to eat, and forgave him even after he tried to steal valuable objects from the church, the man's heart is changed forever. And this is a story of his life and how it affects other people. There are many sub-plots within the story but the thing that I found most beautiful is that if you choose love instead of hatred, you can do so many miraculous things and your life can be a light that shines on others no matter how "miserable" your life may seem. God is waiting at the end. The Light is there to take you into the land of no-more sorrow after you have breathed your last.
The film also has beautiful cinematography, excellent cast, and of course so many, many beautiful songs. (Oh I love them!)

These days, it is not easy to find movies with so much light shining through. I must say that many movies in our world contain poison and darkness, but not these two. They are made to send out the light to your heart.

Clicke here for a trailer of Les Miserables:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r8F3_Pvw3g

Clicke here for a trailer of How to Train Your Dragon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88x08ePynt0

Holding On

A hard week...full of disapponitment, despair, nigthmares, and temptations that defeated me. What can I do anyway? I can't neither pray nor find quiet time with God.
The light came back to my heart for only a short while before I took the Eucharist this Sunday, but it didn't even last a night. I yielded to one temptations of laziness and the rest of the good will went to dust...

This week is a time of weakness indeed. The only thing that I can think of is to hold on to the messages from God that I received with so much light and peace during my retreat in Chonburi.I had no doubt that the message came from God, it came with such amazing peace and light that I could never deny. I got the message while I was walking among nature, and while I was sitting alone and quiet in the little adoration room.

- Just be yourself. Live your life moment by moment. Do not try to be anything else. You are created with flaws and imperfections just like the rest of nature. It is ok, it is all right.
It is not the vocation or job or what you choose to earn your living that matters, it is life and how you deal with it that matters. Be a child. Set your heart free. All yourself to have the peace from God. This is the most important thing...you must anchor yourself with this peace before you proceed to learn or do anything else. 

- All of the meditation techniques you try to learn will bring you nothing as long as you think that you are struggling to have something, to be something. You must do it without any expectation or any selfish desire. Spiritual growth is something that happens naturally as you live your life well with awareness. It is not something you can buy or earn or give anything in exchange. The "desire" itself is already the enemy. Just keep on practicing all the good things you learn, but don't expect to gain or attain anything. And God will take care of your soul. 

I will come back to the light, I will, dear God. I know that you can use me better when I have the joy in my heart, when there is a smile on my face.

But even if there is dark times, I can also give you my pain and sorrow since I don't have anything else to give.

Ok...come what may. I will just live my life and let it be, and love everything and everyone. I love you, dear God. And the fact that you love me is already enough...that is simply enough for my life. Actually, I shouldn't ask for anything more.

An Issue Hard to Solve

 I need to alter part of this post and add something important at the end. It's very necessary. I was warned.
****************************************************************************
One of the hardest thing on earth...is to control your mind, your thoughts.
One of the hardest illusion to let go...is the feeling of love...the feeling of falling in love
...the feeling of being in love with someone.

You know it's transient, it's something that will come and pass you by like waves in the ocean.

But isn't it such a big and powerful wave!!

Well, so far I got trapped into one of these waves. If I kick the thoughts off...it will bounce back sooner or later anyway. The more I repress, the stronger it gets. But if I totally surrender to it, then the Devil will bring me deep into a world of fantasy, very dangerous.

So...what can I do?

Well, there are a few good things that come out of this, too. Good lessons to learn anyway.

- Since I can't do anything much, I can't free myself from it anyway, have to wait until it dies by itself, I will just accept it as an experience on Earth that I need to go through. I can't deny the feeling or ignore it. I can't fiercely push it off or try to cover it up, otherwise it will grow even stronger. I will just have to accept it and let it slip away from my mind by holding on the present moment..like..ok, I'm thinking of him...again..so just come back to the present moment. What am I doing? Oh, writing...so I'll keep on writing then. And I will turn my head up to the sky and say, thank you God for the experience on Earth, I don't know what you want me to do with this kind of feeling, but I'm thankful anyway. It will surely be something good to me somehow. At least one day I'll learn why I have to feel this way today. ....But if the wave really becomes too strong, praying for God's help always works in my case. He would let the wave die down for a while for the sake of my peace of mind. Our loving Father never want us to bear anything too much for our own ability, I really believe that.

-I am learning to change that kind of passionate love into another kind of love more pure and unconditional. If I succeed, then the problem will be completely solved. When you can totally look someone in the eyes and say "I love you" without feeling any guilt or fear, it means that the love you have is very pure and it comes out from the goodness inside your heart. I will never say the word...no...not until my heart is telling my that this love inside of me is one of the most beautiful thing I can give, and that I will give without any regret and without expecting anything back. It will be so simple. Loving someone doesn't have to mean getting married with the person. Loving someone doesn't have to mean going in bed with the person. Truly loving someone...to me...is just love. It's just a way of saying...you're always beautiful in my eyes, just exactly the way you are. I'm happy when you are around me and I really want you to be happy with your life.

But I say I am learning to do it. Have not succeeded yet. 

- Another alternative, just wait until this wave of passion disappears at its own time. I believe everything on Earth comes and goes. Maybe...if I just wait...it will just go away and I don't have to do anything at all.

I am not a very young woman anymore. I have had relationships, I have experienced what is like to be so crazily in love, to see the whole world in pink, and then one day seeing that love faded into thin air and even turn into hatred. I always thank God that now, between me and my ex-boyfriend, there is no more hatred, at least. But what has gone is gone and something told me deep inside that our time is over and the road has truly parted. I really wish him well and I really thank him for all the lessons of life he gave me, for all the good and bad times that we shared. It is funny, after that relationship was over, my desire to get married gradually disappear as well. I am not looking for that kind of love anymore. My heart seems to know that it wants another kind of experience, another kind of love that gives more freedom to both sides. No more chain inside a relationship.

But...(sigh!)...what I really want most of all is to become the bride of Christ. But it seems that God doesn't want to be with me that way yet...still a lot to learn, my dear. You're not ready. Some lessons if you don't pass, you will have to re-learn them anyway. 

Anyway, dear God, do with my life anyway you like. I can't stop you anyway. You're the all-powerful one, right? And you are the only one who knows everything. Most of all, you love me and I trust your love.

.......................................................................................................................................

The night after I wrote this post, I had a dream that seems to be an important warning. I know this week the Devil got me a lot but I don't know what to do. In my dream, I was harassed by a man, a stranger,but it seems that the person was under control of another person that was behind him. That person of authority is always on the phone line with the man. At first, I wasn't sure, it was hard for me to believe that everything that happened come because of the authority on the other end of the line. But then after a while I realized that I wasn't harrassed like this the first time in my life, it happened again and again in the same form, with different people, who are under control of this same person on the end of the line. In the last part of my dream, I was lying on my mother's bed and she said that she was looking for her earrings, which was on my ears, so I took them both off my ears and returned them to her on the table next to the bed. A pair of white-pearl earring. I know I can keep them for a while, she wouldn't mind, but I wasn't aware that I had been wearing them until now so I better return them. I saw a young nun, in a white robe, with her eyes so evil, she was laughing at me, but I try to smile at her anyway. Then I turned and was busy myself figuring out matter of this harrassment issue, I turned to her again and I saw a nun with eyes so kind and gentle, almost like a totally different person, and she said to me "don't you realize this is the way I truly look, the one that you saw wasn't me, it was the devil in me." And I suddenly realize at that moment that the devil can get inside anyone in at anytime, it could be for a few minutes or a few second but it can control the person's actions and thoughts. Then I realize, at the same time, that I was wearing a necklace full of dark spell. I had never known until then that it had a spell and it was a tool used by the person of authority at the end of phone line to control me. So I took the necklace off quickly. Then it appears that there are many of them on my neck, so I took them all off.

So...that's it. The good thing is that all the bad necklaces were off my neck. The sad thing was my mother's pair of earrings was taken off too. And I remember that lately I had a dream that I took the ring of Saint Therese of Lisieux off my finger and put it on the altar, thinking that I might return to it after a while. Another sad thing...for I remember that it fit my finger so well.

So...now I'm bare, dear God, no necklace, no ring, no earrings....I guess I can't be anywhere or do anything. I'll just have to be with you, dear God.

Please forgive me if this week I've been under the control of the Devil. I am weak and I couldn't help it really. You have to help me otherwise I just don't know what to do.

My decision...so far

After all the confusions and a lot of thoughts on my big decision in life, I got one final good advice "Just focus on God and do what He tells you." And for a moment, I realize that I've been swayed too much by people's words and opinions. I should take my own stand and make my own decision with a firmness of mind.

Some people are born with confidence and steadiness of heart. Some are not, like me. I'm one whose mind sways like the sea. It can be a very bad flaw of character, but somehow, God makes me this way. And now I'm not going to be afraid of it. So, I think I'll make my own decision for today.

And that decision is "I'm not going to decide now". That is where it feels right for me. I don't have to hurry. I'll just take my time. No matter what anyone says.

I've been called both ways. And people say, "No, that's not God's voice. You must choose one way that is right, because the other way is the devil's way."

But that decision is not like... I am going to sin or not going to sin. Well, if one path is sinful and the other path is not, then it's clear that God calls one way for sure. But there are things in this world that can both be right in some cases, in some situations, right?

I am not saying that I know God's will. But what I'm doing is that I will take time to listen to my heart more. Listen for that whisper full of light from Heaven. I will keep on listening and keep on looking at the circumstances. If God will shut one door, then it's pretty clear which path He wants me to walk. But so far, he opens both doors and he still drops me the seeds of passion once in a while, for me to consider and think through.

So far...it seems to me...He wants me to look at myself and search for my true desire. He wants me to check my conscience and motive for the desire to stay in the monastery. Is it pure and clear? Is it my own ego and ambition?  He also wants me to ask myself, are you sure you can leave the world and everything in it? Everything, really? Take your time...look around...think...feel...seek...do whatever you want to do.

But at the same time, He places me a question. If I should have nothing to do with the monastery, then lately, why do I love to be at the monastery and spend my quiet time there? Why was I able to get there early while usually I'm always late with almost everything? Why do I love to sit and talk with Mother Superior? The last time I went there, I came out with a heart full of light and my whole day was blessed. The last time I almost decided to quit the application, but I asked God...please let thy will be done today, let me say what is the right thing for me to say...at the end I didn't quit and it felt so right...so right inside my heart.

My decision so far sounds weird and not right in the opinion of most people. For me...if you ask me now...I would say...if they let me...I will get in and I will devote my whole time there in prayer, love, patience, total obedience...and I will get out when it's time for me to get out.

I am not built for the monastery life-time. But I have a passion burning inside of me for something that I have to do in there for a period of time...something very, very important to my life. Something that I believe will bring goodness and love to all and will help me overcome some life-long fear. 

Looking back through my life, I remember that when a big passion came...and I heeded its calling...I would find something very precious for my life.

I felt this passion before I became an exchange student and be away from my parents for a whole year.

I felt this passion before I traveled the world alone for the first time, for three consecutive weeks in three countries that don't speak English.

I felt this passion now...with the world inside the monastery...the world that seems to be a horrible enemy to a freedom lover like me. The world that seems to be full of everything that I fear, everything that I hate....but paradoxically...that is why I have to be there...that is why I feel that God is calling me.

There is another kind of freedom hidden inside it...the kind of freedom that you can have even when you are in chain, even when you're imprisoned.

There is a treasure worth seeking there...a spiritual pearl that worth selling everything you have for.

Well, that is just my decision so far...I'm not saying that it will never change. I will take my time.

And most importantly, I will keep praying this important prayer..."dear Lord, let thy will be done in me...help me make the right decision."

The reason that haven't decided to follow your command that another person has given me, and He said that it was from you...because it seems that the command came in conflict a bit with what in my heart....just a bit...but for a big decision, even a bit matters...you really can't rely on another person to be a middle person between you and God...not for a big decision of life. Although I respect the person so much and I'm very grateful for his help, I still need to hear from you directly, dear God. 

Nothing to Give

Oh God, I have nothing to give you. 

I am quite a mess. 

I don't have a pure heart like a child, 
though I want to have one.

I don't have the kind of peace
that many people can easily have in their heart

My thoughts are often dark, sometimes dirty
full of worry, pride, and judgement for myself and others

Some of my bad habits are still there
no matter how long I have tried to improve

I don't really know how to be generous and kind
I often overlook the opportunities to do good for others

So what can I give you?

So...I guess...I will just live my day
And let You live it with me. 

I will just wake up to another day
Use my hand, body, brain
to live that day as best as this poor soul can

I will stop what I do... and say "I Love You"
As often as I can...before I continue 
This is probably all that I can give to you now.

So small, so very small
compared to all that you have given me all my life.

But I have nothing else to give.
So I hope you don't mind to take this lowly gift

Some light and peace in the darkness

After many days in darkness, tonight God allowed me to have some peace while I was praying. He also gave me a revelation, a wisdom, that I can really apply at the crossroad in front of me, which is going to be a very big decision that will affect the rest of my life.

Should I become a carmelite nun? Is it God's will for me?

I already stated my desire to the monastery but I haven't found the answer yet.

I found that inside of me there is a deep, deep love in nature and traveling and the freedom to roam freely in the world.
I also found that inside of me there is a burning passion to be one with Christ, to move closer and closer and closer to the Lord, until I can be one with Him and never be apart again.
I love to teach the children, I love to write
But at the same time I also desire so much to follow the steps of Mother Teresa of Avila, and spend my days in prayer and spiritual book readings.

Lately, the Lord reminds me of what he told me in the park in my retreat.

"You don't have to worry of what you will be. Just be yourself. Be something naturally yourself. Be the person the Lord create you to be, with flaws and mistakes. Just do what you feel like doing and when the opportunity comes your way. Just be a child." And for a while, I was afraid if I was wrong to apply to the monastery.

But then again, the reason that I applied was because God sent me a sign that I asked for.
I gave him a pledge one night, about twenty days ago, that if He wants me to be a nun, then please send me this sign and I will leave everything and follow Him. But if He never sends it to me, I will never become a nun and won't even try. It means that my place is outside in the world.

He did send me that sign. And it was at the Carmelle Monastery.

So I just think that I will let the monastery decide and take it as God's will for me. Still, I'm so scared. When I think of becoming carmelite nun, I feel extremely scared about losing my freedom and being locked up, confined. When I think of just staying the same way and never be a nun at all, I'm afraid that I will betray His calling and never give myself a chance to persue the goal that is very important to me, and a chance to serve God and other people wholely in spirit and prayer.

Tonight, although I still haven't found the answer, I was given a few thoughts that come with so much peace and light.

If the monastery says no,  then I should be happy because I can still have the whole world as a playground to serve God in many creative ways, with the children, with books, and who knows what else. I will be able to travel to see different cultures, or go to nature and find beautiful and quiet places to pray.

If the monastery says yes, although it's going to be painful for me to leave the world, I should trust and rejoice that this path will bring something very good to me and other people, because God puts me there. And I should also trust, that if God wills, I will finally be free from the desire to go back to the world and discover something precious in there. And even if He doesn't, I can still choose to walk back to the world and find where I rightly belong. The experience there would be very valuable to my life.

  So I found peace tonight, from the realization that no matter which way I will turn, which road I will choose, I will always be in the Lord's will.

Thank you, dear God, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

Please let Thy will be done.

A Poem on Discernment

This is NOT my poem. I found it on the internet. It reflects a lot of what's going through my mind now.

O Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think
I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe
that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
You will lead me by the right road,
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me.
And you will never leave me
to make my journey alone.

Source: Thomas Merton, Pax Christi, Benet Press, Erie, PA.

Confused and Lost

I am writing this down because I just need to pour some pain out. My life has arrived at the period of darkness again. And I don't know when will this one be over. I am very confused about a lot of things. The religion that I'm learning seems to give me different teachings that seem to contradict one another again. And it seems that God forbids me to talk to Him the way that I used to talk. I don't know what God's will is anymore. I don't know if it ever existed or is it just a word. I'm so lost.....

I went to a very good retreat during New Year. I received the blessings of peace and some light that seem to answer some of my questions. But at the same time, some of the things that I learned there make me confused and I don't know which way I should believe or apply to my life.

Some people seem to believe in the conscience, clear thinking, analyzing things psychologically. It seems to me that they almost don't believe that evil spirits can actually present itself to a person. "It's all your imagination and subconsciousness" they said.

Another kind of people seem to know that there are things that are far beyond that. Things that only "the Mysterious Heart" inside of us know. Things that are beyond reasons and thoughts. They have had spritual experience with the other world themselves.

I was taught the second way, then I was taught the first way, then I was drawn to the second way again....and I'm like...now what I should do? What I should believe?

Those who believe in the first way said there is nothing such as the Will of God. God just will us to do our best in every day life. That's all. God's will is actually man's will that is loving to himself and other people. Actually, that sounds right, too.

But what about the scene in the Bible when Jesus said "Please take this cup away from me, yet let thy will be done. "

Anyway, the problem is...I can't hear God now. I mean I used to go through the Bible and sometimes good messages talk to me directly and I used to check for signs and He used to talk to me that way. But lately, it seems to me that God doesn't want me to hear him through these things anymore. All that I heard from them seem to be message from the devil that torture me by taking away the peace of my mind and I don't even dare to open the Bible anymore. I don't know how I can hear Him now, especially when life gets very confused.

I suffer nightmares again and last night I had very poor quality of sleep.

I will try to love the period of darkness that I am in, although it's very hard for me to do that right now. I will try to think that it has to get very dark before dawn and maybe one day I might find a new way to hear God, and find out whether God's wil exists. And which way He wants me to walk.