An Issue Hard to Solve

 I need to alter part of this post and add something important at the end. It's very necessary. I was warned.
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One of the hardest thing on earth...is to control your mind, your thoughts.
One of the hardest illusion to let go...is the feeling of love...the feeling of falling in love
...the feeling of being in love with someone.

You know it's transient, it's something that will come and pass you by like waves in the ocean.

But isn't it such a big and powerful wave!!

Well, so far I got trapped into one of these waves. If I kick the thoughts off...it will bounce back sooner or later anyway. The more I repress, the stronger it gets. But if I totally surrender to it, then the Devil will bring me deep into a world of fantasy, very dangerous.

So...what can I do?

Well, there are a few good things that come out of this, too. Good lessons to learn anyway.

- Since I can't do anything much, I can't free myself from it anyway, have to wait until it dies by itself, I will just accept it as an experience on Earth that I need to go through. I can't deny the feeling or ignore it. I can't fiercely push it off or try to cover it up, otherwise it will grow even stronger. I will just have to accept it and let it slip away from my mind by holding on the present moment..like..ok, I'm thinking of him...again..so just come back to the present moment. What am I doing? Oh, writing...so I'll keep on writing then. And I will turn my head up to the sky and say, thank you God for the experience on Earth, I don't know what you want me to do with this kind of feeling, but I'm thankful anyway. It will surely be something good to me somehow. At least one day I'll learn why I have to feel this way today. ....But if the wave really becomes too strong, praying for God's help always works in my case. He would let the wave die down for a while for the sake of my peace of mind. Our loving Father never want us to bear anything too much for our own ability, I really believe that.

-I am learning to change that kind of passionate love into another kind of love more pure and unconditional. If I succeed, then the problem will be completely solved. When you can totally look someone in the eyes and say "I love you" without feeling any guilt or fear, it means that the love you have is very pure and it comes out from the goodness inside your heart. I will never say the word...no...not until my heart is telling my that this love inside of me is one of the most beautiful thing I can give, and that I will give without any regret and without expecting anything back. It will be so simple. Loving someone doesn't have to mean getting married with the person. Loving someone doesn't have to mean going in bed with the person. Truly loving someone...to me...is just love. It's just a way of saying...you're always beautiful in my eyes, just exactly the way you are. I'm happy when you are around me and I really want you to be happy with your life.

But I say I am learning to do it. Have not succeeded yet. 

- Another alternative, just wait until this wave of passion disappears at its own time. I believe everything on Earth comes and goes. Maybe...if I just wait...it will just go away and I don't have to do anything at all.

I am not a very young woman anymore. I have had relationships, I have experienced what is like to be so crazily in love, to see the whole world in pink, and then one day seeing that love faded into thin air and even turn into hatred. I always thank God that now, between me and my ex-boyfriend, there is no more hatred, at least. But what has gone is gone and something told me deep inside that our time is over and the road has truly parted. I really wish him well and I really thank him for all the lessons of life he gave me, for all the good and bad times that we shared. It is funny, after that relationship was over, my desire to get married gradually disappear as well. I am not looking for that kind of love anymore. My heart seems to know that it wants another kind of experience, another kind of love that gives more freedom to both sides. No more chain inside a relationship.

But...(sigh!)...what I really want most of all is to become the bride of Christ. But it seems that God doesn't want to be with me that way yet...still a lot to learn, my dear. You're not ready. Some lessons if you don't pass, you will have to re-learn them anyway. 

Anyway, dear God, do with my life anyway you like. I can't stop you anyway. You're the all-powerful one, right? And you are the only one who knows everything. Most of all, you love me and I trust your love.

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The night after I wrote this post, I had a dream that seems to be an important warning. I know this week the Devil got me a lot but I don't know what to do. In my dream, I was harassed by a man, a stranger,but it seems that the person was under control of another person that was behind him. That person of authority is always on the phone line with the man. At first, I wasn't sure, it was hard for me to believe that everything that happened come because of the authority on the other end of the line. But then after a while I realized that I wasn't harrassed like this the first time in my life, it happened again and again in the same form, with different people, who are under control of this same person on the end of the line. In the last part of my dream, I was lying on my mother's bed and she said that she was looking for her earrings, which was on my ears, so I took them both off my ears and returned them to her on the table next to the bed. A pair of white-pearl earring. I know I can keep them for a while, she wouldn't mind, but I wasn't aware that I had been wearing them until now so I better return them. I saw a young nun, in a white robe, with her eyes so evil, she was laughing at me, but I try to smile at her anyway. Then I turned and was busy myself figuring out matter of this harrassment issue, I turned to her again and I saw a nun with eyes so kind and gentle, almost like a totally different person, and she said to me "don't you realize this is the way I truly look, the one that you saw wasn't me, it was the devil in me." And I suddenly realize at that moment that the devil can get inside anyone in at anytime, it could be for a few minutes or a few second but it can control the person's actions and thoughts. Then I realize, at the same time, that I was wearing a necklace full of dark spell. I had never known until then that it had a spell and it was a tool used by the person of authority at the end of phone line to control me. So I took the necklace off quickly. Then it appears that there are many of them on my neck, so I took them all off.

So...that's it. The good thing is that all the bad necklaces were off my neck. The sad thing was my mother's pair of earrings was taken off too. And I remember that lately I had a dream that I took the ring of Saint Therese of Lisieux off my finger and put it on the altar, thinking that I might return to it after a while. Another sad thing...for I remember that it fit my finger so well.

So...now I'm bare, dear God, no necklace, no ring, no earrings....I guess I can't be anywhere or do anything. I'll just have to be with you, dear God.

Please forgive me if this week I've been under the control of the Devil. I am weak and I couldn't help it really. You have to help me otherwise I just don't know what to do.