A hard week...full of disapponitment, despair, nigthmares, and temptations that defeated me. What can I do anyway? I can't neither pray nor find quiet time with God.
The light came back to my heart for only a short while before I took the Eucharist this Sunday, but it didn't even last a night. I yielded to one temptations of laziness and the rest of the good will went to dust...
This week is a time of weakness indeed. The only thing that I can think of is to hold on to the messages from God that I received with so much light and peace during my retreat in Chonburi.I had no doubt that the message came from God, it came with such amazing peace and light that I could never deny. I got the message while I was walking among nature, and while I was sitting alone and quiet in the little adoration room.
- Just be yourself. Live your life moment by moment. Do not try to be anything else. You are created with flaws and imperfections just like the rest of nature. It is ok, it is all right.
It is not the vocation or job or what you choose to earn your living that matters, it is life and how you deal with it that matters. Be a child. Set your heart free. All yourself to have the peace from God. This is the most important thing...you must anchor yourself with this peace before you proceed to learn or do anything else.
- All of the meditation techniques you try to learn will bring you nothing as long as you think that you are struggling to have something, to be something. You must do it without any expectation or any selfish desire. Spiritual growth is something that happens naturally as you live your life well with awareness. It is not something you can buy or earn or give anything in exchange. The "desire" itself is already the enemy. Just keep on practicing all the good things you learn, but don't expect to gain or attain anything. And God will take care of your soul.
I will come back to the light, I will, dear God. I know that you can use me better when I have the joy in my heart, when there is a smile on my face.
But even if there is dark times, I can also give you my pain and sorrow since I don't have anything else to give.
Ok...come what may. I will just live my life and let it be, and love everything and everyone. I love you, dear God. And the fact that you love me is already enough...that is simply enough for my life. Actually, I shouldn't ask for anything more.
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