Confused and Lost

I am writing this down because I just need to pour some pain out. My life has arrived at the period of darkness again. And I don't know when will this one be over. I am very confused about a lot of things. The religion that I'm learning seems to give me different teachings that seem to contradict one another again. And it seems that God forbids me to talk to Him the way that I used to talk. I don't know what God's will is anymore. I don't know if it ever existed or is it just a word. I'm so lost.....

I went to a very good retreat during New Year. I received the blessings of peace and some light that seem to answer some of my questions. But at the same time, some of the things that I learned there make me confused and I don't know which way I should believe or apply to my life.

Some people seem to believe in the conscience, clear thinking, analyzing things psychologically. It seems to me that they almost don't believe that evil spirits can actually present itself to a person. "It's all your imagination and subconsciousness" they said.

Another kind of people seem to know that there are things that are far beyond that. Things that only "the Mysterious Heart" inside of us know. Things that are beyond reasons and thoughts. They have had spritual experience with the other world themselves.

I was taught the second way, then I was taught the first way, then I was drawn to the second way again....and I'm like...now what I should do? What I should believe?

Those who believe in the first way said there is nothing such as the Will of God. God just will us to do our best in every day life. That's all. God's will is actually man's will that is loving to himself and other people. Actually, that sounds right, too.

But what about the scene in the Bible when Jesus said "Please take this cup away from me, yet let thy will be done. "

Anyway, the problem is...I can't hear God now. I mean I used to go through the Bible and sometimes good messages talk to me directly and I used to check for signs and He used to talk to me that way. But lately, it seems to me that God doesn't want me to hear him through these things anymore. All that I heard from them seem to be message from the devil that torture me by taking away the peace of my mind and I don't even dare to open the Bible anymore. I don't know how I can hear Him now, especially when life gets very confused.

I suffer nightmares again and last night I had very poor quality of sleep.

I will try to love the period of darkness that I am in, although it's very hard for me to do that right now. I will try to think that it has to get very dark before dawn and maybe one day I might find a new way to hear God, and find out whether God's wil exists. And which way He wants me to walk.