After many days in darkness, tonight God allowed me to have some peace while I was praying. He also gave me a revelation, a wisdom, that I can really apply at the crossroad in front of me, which is going to be a very big decision that will affect the rest of my life.
Should I become a carmelite nun? Is it God's will for me?
I already stated my desire to the monastery but I haven't found the answer yet.
I found that inside of me there is a deep, deep love in nature and traveling and the freedom to roam freely in the world.
I also found that inside of me there is a burning passion to be one with Christ, to move closer and closer and closer to the Lord, until I can be one with Him and never be apart again.
I love to teach the children, I love to write
But at the same time I also desire so much to follow the steps of Mother Teresa of Avila, and spend my days in prayer and spiritual book readings.
Lately, the Lord reminds me of what he told me in the park in my retreat.
"You don't have to worry of what you will be. Just be yourself. Be something naturally yourself. Be the person the Lord create you to be, with flaws and mistakes. Just do what you feel like doing and when the opportunity comes your way. Just be a child." And for a while, I was afraid if I was wrong to apply to the monastery.
But then again, the reason that I applied was because God sent me a sign that I asked for.
I gave him a pledge one night, about twenty days ago, that if He wants me to be a nun, then please send me this sign and I will leave everything and follow Him. But if He never sends it to me, I will never become a nun and won't even try. It means that my place is outside in the world.
He did send me that sign. And it was at the Carmelle Monastery.
So I just think that I will let the monastery decide and take it as God's will for me. Still, I'm so scared. When I think of becoming carmelite nun, I feel extremely scared about losing my freedom and being locked up, confined. When I think of just staying the same way and never be a nun at all, I'm afraid that I will betray His calling and never give myself a chance to persue the goal that is very important to me, and a chance to serve God and other people wholely in spirit and prayer.
Tonight, although I still haven't found the answer, I was given a few thoughts that come with so much peace and light.
If the monastery says no, then I should be happy because I can still have the whole world as a playground to serve God in many creative ways, with the children, with books, and who knows what else. I will be able to travel to see different cultures, or go to nature and find beautiful and quiet places to pray.
If the monastery says yes, although it's going to be painful for me to leave the world, I should trust and rejoice that this path will bring something very good to me and other people, because God puts me there. And I should also trust, that if God wills, I will finally be free from the desire to go back to the world and discover something precious in there. And even if He doesn't, I can still choose to walk back to the world and find where I rightly belong. The experience there would be very valuable to my life.
So I found peace tonight, from the realization that no matter which way I will turn, which road I will choose, I will always be in the Lord's will.
Thank you, dear God, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Please let Thy will be done.
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