My decision...so far

After all the confusions and a lot of thoughts on my big decision in life, I got one final good advice "Just focus on God and do what He tells you." And for a moment, I realize that I've been swayed too much by people's words and opinions. I should take my own stand and make my own decision with a firmness of mind.

Some people are born with confidence and steadiness of heart. Some are not, like me. I'm one whose mind sways like the sea. It can be a very bad flaw of character, but somehow, God makes me this way. And now I'm not going to be afraid of it. So, I think I'll make my own decision for today.

And that decision is "I'm not going to decide now". That is where it feels right for me. I don't have to hurry. I'll just take my time. No matter what anyone says.

I've been called both ways. And people say, "No, that's not God's voice. You must choose one way that is right, because the other way is the devil's way."

But that decision is not like... I am going to sin or not going to sin. Well, if one path is sinful and the other path is not, then it's clear that God calls one way for sure. But there are things in this world that can both be right in some cases, in some situations, right?

I am not saying that I know God's will. But what I'm doing is that I will take time to listen to my heart more. Listen for that whisper full of light from Heaven. I will keep on listening and keep on looking at the circumstances. If God will shut one door, then it's pretty clear which path He wants me to walk. But so far, he opens both doors and he still drops me the seeds of passion once in a while, for me to consider and think through.

So far...it seems to me...He wants me to look at myself and search for my true desire. He wants me to check my conscience and motive for the desire to stay in the monastery. Is it pure and clear? Is it my own ego and ambition?  He also wants me to ask myself, are you sure you can leave the world and everything in it? Everything, really? Take your time...look around...think...feel...seek...do whatever you want to do.

But at the same time, He places me a question. If I should have nothing to do with the monastery, then lately, why do I love to be at the monastery and spend my quiet time there? Why was I able to get there early while usually I'm always late with almost everything? Why do I love to sit and talk with Mother Superior? The last time I went there, I came out with a heart full of light and my whole day was blessed. The last time I almost decided to quit the application, but I asked God...please let thy will be done today, let me say what is the right thing for me to say...at the end I didn't quit and it felt so right...so right inside my heart.

My decision so far sounds weird and not right in the opinion of most people. For me...if you ask me now...I would say...if they let me...I will get in and I will devote my whole time there in prayer, love, patience, total obedience...and I will get out when it's time for me to get out.

I am not built for the monastery life-time. But I have a passion burning inside of me for something that I have to do in there for a period of time...something very, very important to my life. Something that I believe will bring goodness and love to all and will help me overcome some life-long fear. 

Looking back through my life, I remember that when a big passion came...and I heeded its calling...I would find something very precious for my life.

I felt this passion before I became an exchange student and be away from my parents for a whole year.

I felt this passion before I traveled the world alone for the first time, for three consecutive weeks in three countries that don't speak English.

I felt this passion now...with the world inside the monastery...the world that seems to be a horrible enemy to a freedom lover like me. The world that seems to be full of everything that I fear, everything that I hate....but paradoxically...that is why I have to be there...that is why I feel that God is calling me.

There is another kind of freedom hidden inside it...the kind of freedom that you can have even when you are in chain, even when you're imprisoned.

There is a treasure worth seeking there...a spiritual pearl that worth selling everything you have for.

Well, that is just my decision so far...I'm not saying that it will never change. I will take my time.

And most importantly, I will keep praying this important prayer..."dear Lord, let thy will be done in me...help me make the right decision."

The reason that haven't decided to follow your command that another person has given me, and He said that it was from you...because it seems that the command came in conflict a bit with what in my heart....just a bit...but for a big decision, even a bit matters...you really can't rely on another person to be a middle person between you and God...not for a big decision of life. Although I respect the person so much and I'm very grateful for his help, I still need to hear from you directly, dear God.