- It can happen so suddenly. Maybe right after a period of time when your spirit has been peaceful and filled with joy. A big contradiction.
- It can be transferred between persons or spread like communicable diseases
-It makes you feel weird inside yourself, as if there is a darkness residing in it.
-It makes you unable to think clearly as if there is a fog in your head blogging you from seeing things the way they are.
-It makes you do things without awareness, as if part of your subconsciousness manipulates you to do things that will result in troubles for yourself or others.
-It can suddenly put evil and ugly thoughts right inside your head, no matter where you are. I got that ugly thought right in the middle of church, just as I was standing in a row to receive the Eucharist. How horrified I felt, can you imagine?
-It can put thoughts inside your head while you are asleep or half asleep, a thought that slipped in so quickly as if it popped up out of nowhere. You are being forced to be aware of that thought. Sometimes God put thoughts in your head this way, too, but I learn now that the big difference is that thoughts from evil makes you wake up and worried and afraid and anxious and scared, or...confused, at least. But if the thought is from God, when you wake up it brings peace and understanding and serenity and joy.
-In my case, I can feel myself having strange effect on other people, it is like inside my body there is a wave that attract some people in a bad way or scare away some sensitive people as if they can feel that devil inside me.
-It can make you physically sick or hurt. A sickness or pain that happened to the body suddenly without a cause and can vanish immediately just by simple prayer.
-Horrible series of non-stop nightmares...particularly it will make you be the person who do bad things in the dream so that you will wake up and feel bad about yourself.
Now....the good parts. I also learn something important about what to do when these things happen from a recent experience. Of course, prayer is always necessary but also....
-Positive thoughts can help clear away this dark power over you. Keep hoping, keep believing, keep thinking that no matter what this darkness cannot win over you because you belong to the light. If I let fear have influence over me when I am under oppression, my condition gets worse and worse, but when I let hope and faith shine more brightly. The darkness seems to go away.
-See God in everything and everyone. See beauty in everything and everyone. Focus on the good of others or the good of an event, althought the event may seem terrible. Stop judging others but do everything with a clear and good intention.
-Admit your own false or your own mistakes in front of God. Don't be to prideful, because that's the channel that the devils can grab you tightly.
-Ask for help from Mother Mary, Jesus, or Archangel Michael when evil spirits disturb the body directly.
-Avoid all sources of evil in media (songs, TV, movies, etc.)
-Don't hate the demons. Love them anyway.
-Holy water..to drink or pour over your head. But you must do it with belief. (now I'm gonna go get one.)
-Fasting. (strange but true, it works)
- If none works, consult an exorcist priest.
I don't know if this thing has left me yet, but I will not give up this time. I will try my best to fight and keep on believing that everything that happened is meant for the good. One day I will understand why God allows such bad experience to happen. I will keep on trusting and obeying His voice, as much as a poor soul like me can. I know that if He wants to free me from it, He can do with just a blink of an eye. But if He doesn't, then He has a good reason for it.
At least I should be grateful that it is an oppression, not a possession.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
A Child Who Almost Become A Smoker
The latest book that I translated was "Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr." Doing this work brought back some memory from my adolescence years.
One day, when I was about 12 years old, someone gave me a cigarette and said "let's try this together!"
I was scared. Having heard so much from school about how cigarette is one of the addictive drugs that can kill you in the end, I felt like I was in front of something scary. But at the same time, curiousity exists in the mind of every child. This is one chance to try something that no adult would allow you to. So I tried it.
I lit up the cigarette and sucked a bit of the smoke into my mouth and let it out through my nose. Oh Wow! It did make me feel really good. I guess it must have been a menthol cigarette or something because I felt the smoke was cool and relaxing.
I was very lucky. I refused to take the second cigarette because I was lucky....
Here are the reasons that prevented me from taking more.
- The first cigarette tasted good and I thought "that's why people get addicted to it, I must stop now before it's too late!" I knew that I was one of those weak people who get addicted to things very easily. So I was scared and didn't take another cigarette although I was offerred. Allen Carr said that many people became smokers because their first cigarette tasted very bad and they thought they would never get addicted. In my case, the first cigarette tasted good and it scared the hell out of me.
- I didn't know how to puff the smoke into my lungs. All that I did was just getting it in my mouth and let it out my nose. So nicotine from the first cigarette didn't really get that deep into my body.
-I was lucky that my elementary school has shown this scary movie about cigarette and lung cancer. I remember that the film and slide show were very frightening. It even had background music like a ghost movie and the narrator sounded as if he was telling us a story about an evil monster. It imprinted on the subconsciousness my mind that "cigarette" is "evil" and "scary."
-I was lucky that no one around me put the idea that "cigarette is a cool and chic thing" into my head. I didn't have the motivation to smoke other than a bit of curiosity. And one cigarette was enough to quench my curiosity.
So I was just one lucky child who almost become a smoker. Maybe God pitied me because He knows that after I grew up I would be getting addicted to so many things anyway. No need to add cigarette in. I am a social network addict, mobile phone addict,
a tea addict, a traveling addict, etc.
I think I might have to use "Allen Carr's Easy Way" to help me although I am not a smoker.
This man really found what he was born to do and his technique is so simple and true. He had turn the suffering past of his life into a way to help other people. I really respect that.
And I'm glad that being a translator helped me find this book.
One day, when I was about 12 years old, someone gave me a cigarette and said "let's try this together!"
I was scared. Having heard so much from school about how cigarette is one of the addictive drugs that can kill you in the end, I felt like I was in front of something scary. But at the same time, curiousity exists in the mind of every child. This is one chance to try something that no adult would allow you to. So I tried it.
I lit up the cigarette and sucked a bit of the smoke into my mouth and let it out through my nose. Oh Wow! It did make me feel really good. I guess it must have been a menthol cigarette or something because I felt the smoke was cool and relaxing.
I was very lucky. I refused to take the second cigarette because I was lucky....
Here are the reasons that prevented me from taking more.
- The first cigarette tasted good and I thought "that's why people get addicted to it, I must stop now before it's too late!" I knew that I was one of those weak people who get addicted to things very easily. So I was scared and didn't take another cigarette although I was offerred. Allen Carr said that many people became smokers because their first cigarette tasted very bad and they thought they would never get addicted. In my case, the first cigarette tasted good and it scared the hell out of me.
- I didn't know how to puff the smoke into my lungs. All that I did was just getting it in my mouth and let it out my nose. So nicotine from the first cigarette didn't really get that deep into my body.
-I was lucky that my elementary school has shown this scary movie about cigarette and lung cancer. I remember that the film and slide show were very frightening. It even had background music like a ghost movie and the narrator sounded as if he was telling us a story about an evil monster. It imprinted on the subconsciousness my mind that "cigarette" is "evil" and "scary."
-I was lucky that no one around me put the idea that "cigarette is a cool and chic thing" into my head. I didn't have the motivation to smoke other than a bit of curiosity. And one cigarette was enough to quench my curiosity.
So I was just one lucky child who almost become a smoker. Maybe God pitied me because He knows that after I grew up I would be getting addicted to so many things anyway. No need to add cigarette in. I am a social network addict, mobile phone addict,
a tea addict, a traveling addict, etc.
I think I might have to use "Allen Carr's Easy Way" to help me although I am not a smoker.
This man really found what he was born to do and his technique is so simple and true. He had turn the suffering past of his life into a way to help other people. I really respect that.
And I'm glad that being a translator helped me find this book.
By God's Mercy Alone
I remember asking myself one important question, "how can one accept pain and suffering with peaceful heart?" I tried to look back to the latest severely painful time and find what helped me go through it. The answer seems to be something that I can't explain. I did not pass the lesson. It seems that I survived by prayers from other people and by the mercy of God, not anything that I did or did not do. I went to church one day and suddenly God lifted my spirit up to become hopeful and faithful again. All that I did was just saying "yes" to Him and said that I will try again.
The week leading to Christmas was wonderful for me. It seems as if there is a gentle wind of peace come blowing into my life tenderly, healing the pain and pouring in the light and joy. The last Sunday before Christmas, God gave me the most wonderful gift, "His Presence" after I received the Eucharist in the church. I closed my eyes and it was as if I saw the sky and a rainbow and a presence of someone who is total LOVE. A love so great that it can cover the whole universe, so pure that that there is nothing to fear, so precious that there is nothing more you can desire.
Then, after Christmas has passed, the evil wind started blowing right back on. Someone taught me a way to deal with suffering, "Give it up to God. When the thought that makes you suffer come to your mind, let it go, stay with the present, doing whatever thing you do, accept that you suffer and give it all up to God. Do not think about the person who make you suffer. Just accept that you are hurt." Then the situation came and I tried to use this advice. I tried to accept the pain, the sadness, try not to make it turn into anger and bitterness against the one who hurts me. I tried not to think about it and stay with the present. But after a while, negative thoughts started to come in. I kept on trying but I am not one who can control my own thoughts. It seem that they can come and go inside my head as they please. So far, meditation doesn't help. In the end, all I could do was asking God for help"please, please, don't let this feeling turn into hatred, ...please help me...I can't do it."
After a while, God healed it. And I didn't feel the anger and bitterness anymore.
So..one of the answers to the question mentioned above...the way to survive during pain and suffering with peace...is prayer.
I think God has a very good reason to send Jesus on Earth. There must be many weak people like me down here who can't just got up and be good. We need His help always.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
The week leading to Christmas was wonderful for me. It seems as if there is a gentle wind of peace come blowing into my life tenderly, healing the pain and pouring in the light and joy. The last Sunday before Christmas, God gave me the most wonderful gift, "His Presence" after I received the Eucharist in the church. I closed my eyes and it was as if I saw the sky and a rainbow and a presence of someone who is total LOVE. A love so great that it can cover the whole universe, so pure that that there is nothing to fear, so precious that there is nothing more you can desire.
Then, after Christmas has passed, the evil wind started blowing right back on. Someone taught me a way to deal with suffering, "Give it up to God. When the thought that makes you suffer come to your mind, let it go, stay with the present, doing whatever thing you do, accept that you suffer and give it all up to God. Do not think about the person who make you suffer. Just accept that you are hurt." Then the situation came and I tried to use this advice. I tried to accept the pain, the sadness, try not to make it turn into anger and bitterness against the one who hurts me. I tried not to think about it and stay with the present. But after a while, negative thoughts started to come in. I kept on trying but I am not one who can control my own thoughts. It seem that they can come and go inside my head as they please. So far, meditation doesn't help. In the end, all I could do was asking God for help"please, please, don't let this feeling turn into hatred, ...please help me...I can't do it."
After a while, God healed it. And I didn't feel the anger and bitterness anymore.
So..one of the answers to the question mentioned above...the way to survive during pain and suffering with peace...is prayer.
I think God has a very good reason to send Jesus on Earth. There must be many weak people like me down here who can't just got up and be good. We need His help always.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Looking for that light in the darkness
I have heard people say that if you really look into the dark, you will see the light in it. These people seem to be really serious about what they say. So, I just think that I will try to look a little more carefully this time, in the new blanket of darkness that has fallen on me. I used to see that light somewhere in the past, I need to try to remember how I was able to see it.
The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.
I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.
Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.
But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.
But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.
And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.
My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.
Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...
Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.
The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.
I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.
Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.
But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.
But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.
And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.
My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.
Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...
Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.
Monday, 25 November 2013
A Truly Touching Performance...
Having been in quite a particularly long episode of chronic depression, part of my survival technique is to give myself simple things that it can enjoy so I watched some singing performances from show like "The Voice Thailand" and went through the last year's show as well. Then I found this performance, singing by a transexual lady. It was a sad song. And the way she performed it, I could feel the sadness and suffering coming out of her soul. It flowed like a river and touched everyone's heart. A deep, deep sympathy occurred inside of me. I could never imagine what she went through in her life, as well as the lives of millions women in the world who have received cruel treatment from men, terrible betrayal and severe heartache that almost drive them to insanity.My own pain would be so tiny comparing to theirs. I am one who is afraid to love wholeheartedly, always shielding myself inside the wall so that when the pain comes it will not be too overwhelming. Some women, when they love, they love with their whole heart and soul, they gave their everything. And when that love was trampled under someone's foot...I could not imagine the suffering inside their soul.
Then, I felt the light. Throughout yesterday and today, I didn't feel any light inside of me until that moment. It appeared inside my soul. It appeared because of that deep sympathy and because my soul prayed for this lady and those like hers all around the world.
I hate it when people try to counsel me with words like "hey, my pain is bigger than yours" or "hey, you are not the only one suffering so stop complaining." Yes, it may be true but it is a cruel thing to say to one who is in agony. You don't have to say it. It is better not to say it. But...an expression of real sadness, extreme sadness, can uplift another acheful heart...this is a strange way that the world works. But it's so true.
Many years ago, I wouldn't have imagined that one day I would be in a position that I wish some memory to be totally erased from my brain. The whole memory of something. For it is like a dark cancer inside of me, biting away everything. I need to treat them every now and them before it spread all over and bring myself to death.
I didn't imagine, either, that one day I would understand what is like...to totally wish that you had never known some people, wishing that you could go back to the day that you have never known them....
To really see, and feel, and understand (but not by being told or preached to) that there are many who also feel this suffering...is a comforting thought.
I wasn't the only one touched by this performance. It was one of the winning performances of the night. It wasn't "the voice" that wins, but it was "the heart."
Click here if you want to see this performance.
Then, I felt the light. Throughout yesterday and today, I didn't feel any light inside of me until that moment. It appeared inside my soul. It appeared because of that deep sympathy and because my soul prayed for this lady and those like hers all around the world.
I hate it when people try to counsel me with words like "hey, my pain is bigger than yours" or "hey, you are not the only one suffering so stop complaining." Yes, it may be true but it is a cruel thing to say to one who is in agony. You don't have to say it. It is better not to say it. But...an expression of real sadness, extreme sadness, can uplift another acheful heart...this is a strange way that the world works. But it's so true.
Many years ago, I wouldn't have imagined that one day I would be in a position that I wish some memory to be totally erased from my brain. The whole memory of something. For it is like a dark cancer inside of me, biting away everything. I need to treat them every now and them before it spread all over and bring myself to death.
I didn't imagine, either, that one day I would understand what is like...to totally wish that you had never known some people, wishing that you could go back to the day that you have never known them....
To really see, and feel, and understand (but not by being told or preached to) that there are many who also feel this suffering...is a comforting thought.
I wasn't the only one touched by this performance. It was one of the winning performances of the night. It wasn't "the voice" that wins, but it was "the heart."
Click here if you want to see this performance.
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
A Poem of Misery
One good thing about pain and suffering is...they attract the muse of poetry. They guide your hand and your heart to write... write in order to survive.
Haven't written a poem for so many years, so glad that I can still do it.
*********************************************************************
Haven't written a poem for so many years, so glad that I can still do it.
*********************************************************************
Must survive the day
and the silence
and the aching of the heart
and the internal tears
(oh dear, they're not internal anymore
and the silence
and the aching of the heart
and the internal tears
(oh dear, they're not internal anymore
my cheek is wet.)
Must tell myself
to wait and wait
until my weak heart become stone
unti the tears turn into ice
until all the hopes and dreams
struggling to survive
like fishes in the net out of the sea
become totally dead and dried
illusion must die, illusion must die
there is no reason to stay
admit that life is a song of misery
and hopes are foolish as always.
Now get up, get up
for some people are not worthty enough
for you to care
they will never be there
But look around, look and see
you can make some other people
happy today.
Learn to never trust again
Learn from this betrayal and pain
But remember also
that you must stick to your role
that you must keep the rule of gold
to continue loving
to continue giving
to continue living and breathing
For Someone is really waiting at the door
When the story ends
When the story ends
Must tell myself
to wait and wait
until my weak heart become stone
unti the tears turn into ice
until all the hopes and dreams
struggling to survive
like fishes in the net out of the sea
become totally dead and dried
illusion must die, illusion must die
there is no reason to stay
admit that life is a song of misery
and hopes are foolish as always.
Now get up, get up
for some people are not worthty enough
for you to care
they will never be there
But look around, look and see
you can make some other people
happy today.
Learn to never trust again
Learn from this betrayal and pain
But remember also
that you must stick to your role
that you must keep the rule of gold
to continue loving
to continue giving
to continue living and breathing
For Someone is really waiting at the door
When the story ends
When the story ends
Friday, 1 November 2013
important questions to consider
So far, after a few breaks from this current terrible period of depression, I think I need to consider these questions carefully.
1. What really makes life happy?
2. Is being happy is truly the goal of life? Or is it paying the debts and accepting the misery and expecting to be happy in the next life is truly the goal of life?
3. Is accepting that life is miserable the right way to live?
4. Are there any alternatives other than accepting the misery?
5. Are there ways to accept sufferings in life with peace in our heart? (very important)
6. Instead of accepting that life is suffering, can we believe instead that life is truly beautiful in every aspect if we know how to look at it?
7. Instead of accepting that life will always be full of sufferings, can we keep on believing that one day it will get better and we will be happy at last? Or is that a foolish wish?
I found that the path of Protestant Christianity and Catholic are different in this matter. And now I really want to find these answers out. It should be helpful in deciding what kind of life I want to live and what kind of view I should take for my life. And for question no.5, I think some Buddhism teachings might be needed.
The reason that number 5 is important is because...lately I think I can't escape sufferings. Some of them, I can accept with peace of mind, but some are just...unbearable. The second group of sufferings, I really need to find ways to deal with them, because I think that I am not any useful, whether to God or to other people, when my heart is down and depressed. I can remember that my prayer and my physical self worked more effectively for others when there is peace and joy inside my heart.
On my trip to Lourdes, I found moments when there was peace in my heart in the midst of sufferings. And I could feel that my prayer for others were effective in that moment. But now, here in my home land, in my same old life, there is another kind of suffering that I can't bear. It means that I can't find any peace or joy inside my heart. I almost can't pray or do my regular work. That's why I need to find peace inside of me while I'm taking these suffereings or otherwise I need to find ways to remove or transform these sufferings. I can't go on like this.
From my experience, there are those whose life are full of blessings. They have sufferings only from time to time. Their life are full of love and good deeds for others. Their life are full of joy and peace most of the time. These people believe that God meant for human to be happy, even right here on Earth. Life is full of God's love which are expressed in so many things surrounding us, in the joy of children's laughter, in the sunlight, in the love that we share with one another.
And there are those saints, their life are full of so much of extreme sufferings. They do it for penance, paying their own debts and the debts of sin for others. Some say that this is the best way to live. For you won't have to go purgatory afterward for you pay it all here in this life, and you can help a lot of suffering souls. People who believe in this path seem to say...don't expect happiness on Earth. Expect it only after you die.
The question is....hmm...so which way is correct?
It is really confusing to me because so far...I have had experience when God answered me that both are correct! But I just don't understand....
I wish someone would answer this post...all comments are welcomed. I'm at dead end.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day has passed after the above was written, and I received an answer about something. God gave me a prove I can't deny that suffering in order to do penance for souls in purgatory is real. The prove was given directly to me as an experience and it was very clear. I also remember that another prove had already been given to me in Lourdes, and another one was given to me some months ago. Now I can't deny this truth and I want to be a witness of it for the Lord Jesus Christ and for the Catholic Church.
Now I just realize from experience that the Lord can take away or add pain / suffering into our body and mind any time that He wishes to. When it was too much to bear, He can remove all of the suffering inside of you in just an instance, like magic. When you want to do penance and ask to the Lord to let you have the chance to suffer, He gave it hard and long...and in a way that you know that it comes from God, not just your usual physical pain.
I realize now that I can only take some physical pain, not emotional one. People have different threshold for different kind of pain.
1. What really makes life happy?
2. Is being happy is truly the goal of life? Or is it paying the debts and accepting the misery and expecting to be happy in the next life is truly the goal of life?
3. Is accepting that life is miserable the right way to live?
4. Are there any alternatives other than accepting the misery?
5. Are there ways to accept sufferings in life with peace in our heart? (very important)
6. Instead of accepting that life is suffering, can we believe instead that life is truly beautiful in every aspect if we know how to look at it?
7. Instead of accepting that life will always be full of sufferings, can we keep on believing that one day it will get better and we will be happy at last? Or is that a foolish wish?
I found that the path of Protestant Christianity and Catholic are different in this matter. And now I really want to find these answers out. It should be helpful in deciding what kind of life I want to live and what kind of view I should take for my life. And for question no.5, I think some Buddhism teachings might be needed.
The reason that number 5 is important is because...lately I think I can't escape sufferings. Some of them, I can accept with peace of mind, but some are just...unbearable. The second group of sufferings, I really need to find ways to deal with them, because I think that I am not any useful, whether to God or to other people, when my heart is down and depressed. I can remember that my prayer and my physical self worked more effectively for others when there is peace and joy inside my heart.
On my trip to Lourdes, I found moments when there was peace in my heart in the midst of sufferings. And I could feel that my prayer for others were effective in that moment. But now, here in my home land, in my same old life, there is another kind of suffering that I can't bear. It means that I can't find any peace or joy inside my heart. I almost can't pray or do my regular work. That's why I need to find peace inside of me while I'm taking these suffereings or otherwise I need to find ways to remove or transform these sufferings. I can't go on like this.
From my experience, there are those whose life are full of blessings. They have sufferings only from time to time. Their life are full of love and good deeds for others. Their life are full of joy and peace most of the time. These people believe that God meant for human to be happy, even right here on Earth. Life is full of God's love which are expressed in so many things surrounding us, in the joy of children's laughter, in the sunlight, in the love that we share with one another.
And there are those saints, their life are full of so much of extreme sufferings. They do it for penance, paying their own debts and the debts of sin for others. Some say that this is the best way to live. For you won't have to go purgatory afterward for you pay it all here in this life, and you can help a lot of suffering souls. People who believe in this path seem to say...don't expect happiness on Earth. Expect it only after you die.
The question is....hmm...so which way is correct?
It is really confusing to me because so far...I have had experience when God answered me that both are correct! But I just don't understand....
I wish someone would answer this post...all comments are welcomed. I'm at dead end.
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One day has passed after the above was written, and I received an answer about something. God gave me a prove I can't deny that suffering in order to do penance for souls in purgatory is real. The prove was given directly to me as an experience and it was very clear. I also remember that another prove had already been given to me in Lourdes, and another one was given to me some months ago. Now I can't deny this truth and I want to be a witness of it for the Lord Jesus Christ and for the Catholic Church.
Now I just realize from experience that the Lord can take away or add pain / suffering into our body and mind any time that He wishes to. When it was too much to bear, He can remove all of the suffering inside of you in just an instance, like magic. When you want to do penance and ask to the Lord to let you have the chance to suffer, He gave it hard and long...and in a way that you know that it comes from God, not just your usual physical pain.
I realize now that I can only take some physical pain, not emotional one. People have different threshold for different kind of pain.
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