All Because of the Birdnest

                        (This is not the birdnest on my window, just an example picture)

I have heard that sometimes good causes can drive people to commit a bad action. And this seems to be very true today.

There is a nest of the dove above one of my bedroom window. It has been there for many months. I receive so much blessings from the the birdies there. In mornings that I feel gloomy, their song would help brighten up my day and give me a little more hope to go on. I'm so glad that I can have birds to sing for me everyday without locking them in a cage. And I really pray that they will always have a happy life there on my window. I love them so much.

My parents hired some men to paint our house and today they are about to paint the side that have the birdnest. My father asked if there are any eggs in the nest, if there are none he would let the painters take it down. My mother seemed to agree. That drove me crazy! A rage was built up inside of me and then exploded. I shouted out loud that I didn't want anyone to bother the birds. It's their home, and I've seen little birds in this nest before. I let my temper got the best of me. I stamped my feet on the stairs and I yelled my opinion out.

The final outcome, the birdnest was safe, my father put his hand inside the nest and there were eggs in it, so they didn't let the painter take it down. However, I  made my mother angry so much by my shouting. Her anger stayed throughout the day and I felt really bad of myself. I knew I was wrong for expressing my opinion with such a rage and temper. I was so worried about the birds, forgetting to pray to God and believe that if it is His will, they would be safe anyway. Instead of using reason and soft-spoken words to express what I think and feel about the situation, I let the demon of anger reigned inside me and caused a damage to relationship.

Loving and caring for the birds and the animals that share our world is a good thing, but caring for the feeling of my parents is also important too. I am sorry for what happened and I will count this as a lesson learned today.

Pride Monster Luring Its Head

This is just a short note to remind myself that I need to try to be more humble.
In the meet-up group that I joined, I found that a lot of time the ego and pride in myself came out and I started to suspect and doubt a lot of things. I judged people in my mind without realizing it.  At the same time, something in my heart told me that many people here have a lot of knowlege and spiritual experience much more than I do and they earn the respect. Nevertheless, it seems that the monster in me just wouldn't let me humble my heart. So, it is a challenge for the future. I need to try being small and need to pray for it.

But actually, I can be thankful that they help me see the sin in myself. I can never grow up if I don't accept it.

Time to Face the Fears

I notice that lately life has led me into situations that I have to deal with my fear and panic. One thing I learned was that the first time can be very horrible but the second time can get better, which means that it is better to keep trying to face the fear instead of always running away from it. However, I also learn that facing fears is easier if I am willing to. If I am forced to or being duped to, then the situation will feel even worse and all I want to do is running away.

I am afraid of needles but I want to donate blood, so I had to try twice because the first time I chickened out just before they were about to begin the needle process. I returned to the Red Cross building on the next day. Knowing what to expect can help a lot, and my own determination to do it helped me get through to the end. I was shaking, almost fainted, but still trying to smile through it all. But the most important thing was, no one forced me to do it. I really wanted to do it although I knew that I would suffer, because God told me in my heart one night to go there and do this. I think that was the most important thing.

I hate being in a formal meeting room or a luxurious restaurant with people that I do not know well. I hate long tables that face one another, which allow the people that sit in front of you to stare right at you the whole time. I hate that kind of situation very much. Then, yesterday I had to go to a seminar without knowing in advance that the room I would be entering would look like that. I imagined a small group with a casual atmosphere, and desks that face the front of the room. I was shocked, panic, and angry once I found out what kind of situation I was in. If I knew in advance, I would have had declined the invitiation, or at least I would have prepared myself better. I was thinking that I would leave right at the lunch break. However, the lecture turned out very interesting and I remembered that the night before, I did ask, and it seemed that God want me to go. So I decided to stay, facing an even bigger shock in the restaurant of the hotel, all tables are big full of strangers facing one another. I felt angry inside and I felt very pressured and panic. But fortunately the person sitting next to me was kind, so I got better after a while.

Next day, another small group discussion in a room less formal but with a U-shape meeting table. Oh, I hate it. But the fear seems to lessen down. The second time is always better. Some sharings in the group was meaningful and useful for me, although I don't like the atmosphere at all. So I decided that I might go back again, but it is just a...might or maybe.

In conclusion,I think the most important thing of fear facing is the willingness to do it, and the biggest obstacles are the anger and the unwillingness. "Why do I have to be here?! They fooled me to come here! There's nothing for me to do here!" Once this kind of thought got in, I would try to leave the situation almost immediately. But if somehow deep down in my heart I have a reason why I should go through such suffering and I am willing to do it, the fear seems to subside after a while.

Anyway.....I still don't like such situations and will not force myself to like it. The next time this group of people asked me to go anywhere, I would be sure to check whether I really want to do it, whether it is something that I really want to participate in. I don't think there is any reason to suffer for nothing. But if the the activity or the topic interests me or if it is something I can be useful or helpful, then I will prepare my mind before I go.

I hope there will be no more of fear-facing things coming ahead...but you never know what God has in stored. (Sigh!)

"There is a dream" (poem)

There is a dream...lying deep under this blue water

It's been there for years and years

It's been there with hopes and fears

I can forget it for a while, dear Lord

But I can never remove it, dear Lord

Far too deep, far too long

And I have never been that strong

How sweet such a dream can be

How precious it has been to me

And now I am scared

So terribly scared

that it will come between us, my Lord

Nothing in the universe is real, but You

Nothing can truly satisfy a human soul, but You

All these, I know….

But no one ever told me

Why such a dream had to be placed so deep

If it’s something I can never own or keep

Oh…foolish me, foolish me

Every time I try to grab it

The illusion breaks me into peaces

Oh…foolish me, foolish me

Every time I try to touch it

The illusion vanishes into darkness

But have mercy, oh Heaven

For every time

That I try to forget or forsake it

A knife cuts right into the middle of my heart

And life becomes a desert of hopelessness and sorrow

Is this what some people say

It’s the way…it’s the way?

Is this what some people mean

To really live…you must die today?

But since pain can never be avoided

To reach for the dream and die from illusion

Or to let it go and die from despair

Then I should just trust You

Trust that You know me more than I do

Trust that you are the Unchanging Love

And that Your promises are always true

I will let this whirlpool of sorrow drown me

I will walk the cave of darkness

And trust You even though I cannot see

Don’t know how long, don’t know when

But one day, yes, one day

You will become everything to me

You will be my onlymy dream...at the end

My Facebook Addiction

What a shame! I've escaped "Farmville" computer game addiction for good (by God's help actually) but now I got stuck with Facebook instead! Life in the modern world is dangerous indeed.

Since I got a smart phone, Facebook has been vert easy to access all day and I began to notice my addiction to it. Now I understand why some people on the bus, on the train, or on the street just keep staring at the square screen in their hand and almost never look up to see the world or notice other people.

I think these are the main reasons that people get addict to facebook:
- To feel that someone notice us, accept us and to feel that we are not alone.
- To tell others about who we are
- To vent out our pain and anger
- To feel useful by giving advice to others.
- To forget the problems of our life (at least for a while)

Actually there are worse cases, too. Some people use facebook to compare their lives with other people's life. Some use it to attack others verbally, or to sneak-peak the life of others and talk behind their back, etc. But these are not my reasons of using facebook, so I'm not going to discuss about it.  

In my case, I began to get worried about the condition when I noticed myself using facebook so many times a day. Before I start working on my computer, while I was working on my computer, and after I was working on my computer. Then later, I used it while I was on the street, on the taxi, on the boat. Then sometimes I even let myself be late for something important just because I want to check facebook first. I check it in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, at night. And I started to think...oh God..I'm crazy!

I began to notice also that while I was using it, I totally forgot about the world. Facebook is like something that can absorb me into it. I would be so emotionally and mentally involved that for a while I did not even notice how long the time has passed. Even worse, sometimes I logged into Facebook so automatically that I was not aware while I was doing it. It seems that my hand is possessed. Keep it on the computer board for a while, it will click  facebook. Keep it on the mobile screen for a while, it will press the icon facebook. It is truly something like insanity, actually.

Then I noticed, that after I use it, I've been thinking too much it too. My head would be full of the stories from facebook, about the thing that I just post, about this person's point of view and that person's life story and all the trivial things that should not be messing around in my head.

So, I now I better admit to the truth. Posting on facebook and see if people will clik 'like' or how they would comment, in one aspect, is just a way of seeking attention. Sharing opinions and thoughts is not a bad thing, but when you start getting agitated about reaction from others, now that's a bad thing.

Clicking "like" on people's post is like a time-consuming worthless activity. Sometimes I do it just to say "hey, I'm here, I'm still your friend, I approve you so you better approve me." Sometimes I do it just to escape into another world and forget my world for a while. It is something that I can just keep on doing, although pointlessly, until so much time has passed. And I thought, isn't it great? I've got so much information today about the world and other people! But then when I came to think about it...how many times those information made me feel down or worried...how many times they are lies....how many times they are full of temptations for the worldly pleasure...how many times they caused me to sin. And even harmless information can mess around in my head for so long that it does not have any space to hear what God has to say.

But I will say...still...that facebook has its benefits too if you use it and don't get addicted to it. People share good and useful information, people helped one another, comfort and console one another through facebook. Relatives and families living faraway from one another can keep in touch through facebook and that means it is a tool that serves Love as well. Sometimes I've got inspiration from some good facebook pages that helped me a lot during the day. Sometimes I was lifted by a friend's consoling words through facebook and sometimes I helped them in their bad day through facebook as well.

Nevertheless, I am serious about my addiction condition, because it is severe. Right now I tried to reduce the time spent on it even more than before. At first I thought that two times a day (five minutes each) would help, but after a while it did not work. Now I cut it down to two times a week, and if it still does not work, I will totally withdraw myself from it, shutting down my account if I have to.

Time in life is so precious. I can't waste them any more because I've been wasting so much, I don't know how much I have left.

The sorrow of one who does not take side

Many, many years ago. I had this dream. And I still remember it ever since for it was so unlike any other dreams.

In front of me, there is a young lady standing with her back facing me. She has curly hair, breaded, and her outfit consits of a blouse ,a long skirt, and an apron. In my dream I know her name, it's in Western language, and I have a name  in Western language too. In my dream I recognize this woman as a close friend. She is working on something on the counter in front of her. She knows that I am standing behind her but she won't turn around. She won't talk to me because I don't take side in politics. I am very sad. I can feel the cold silence.

Some years after I had this dream. I found out that this kind of dress is for women working in factory and this kind of counter can be found in German factories during World War II.

It is a sad thing, that still happens to me now, even in my present life. I am not one who choose to be extreme in political view. My country is broken apart with hatred at the moment. Many people take side politically and throw blames and hateful words, or even violence at each other. I have my own view and standpoint but I just can't take side extremely like that. And now, some of my friends desert me because of that...and I am so sad. But I will hold on firmly to what I believe is right. I will not hate. I will not hate...and I will try my best to keep this sadness as sadness... not turn it into bitterness and anger.

I'm glad that that at least...they used to be part of my life. If they prefer to walk away from me now, then so long...my friends. Blessed be the road in front of you and I will keep you in my good memory.

"Being Small" is very important

The new thing that I've learned from these past 2 years is that humbility is so precious. I have never understood its significance before but now I begin to understand. How can we let go of our 'ego' or 'false self' without humble down and admit that the self we are trying to cling to is made up of illusion and can't really do anything much but obstructing us from knowing the essence of our true self as a child of God?

-I learn that my accomplishments are not mine and my failures are not mine....
-I learn that all I can do is try...but whether I will succeed or not...that depends on God.
I can't claim any success to my credit and I should not do so.
-I learn that feeling small like a helpless child in the palm of the Ethernal Father can make me feel so free and so safe. I don't have to pretend to be great or good or wise, I can just simply admit myself as a poor sinner, a little lost sheep, someone that God kindly save out of His love and mercy.
- I learn that even "being humble" needs grace. I cannot humble my heart whenever I want to. Sometimes my ego is so big and hard that it won't bend easily. God's grace is what I need to humble down, to become small, to let go and trust in His love.Many times I have to pray "Oh God, please keep me humble, please keep me small!"
- I learn that the devil can abuse our effort to stay humble. It will place the wrong thoughts in our head like "Yeah, you are worthless, you are nothing, and God may or may not spare you, He is greater than all universes and you're just a worthless worm in His hand, so accept the harsh truth, and know that He can plunge you into Hell anytime because you are nothing and don't worth anything to Him." So I learn that in being humble, it is very necessary to trust in God's love. That is a Must, otherwise it might lead us into self-hatred, despair, and even suicide.
- I learn that, beside God's grace, being humble can help ease the extreme pain in the heart and help us accept all hardships with peace.

I learn that...I still have a lot more and more and more to learn.....and actually I should accept that I don't know anything at all.

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After I finished this post, I went through days without any strength inside of me, I couldn't do anything good and kept doing the bad things. I just simply had no control over myself. This confirms to me even more that I am just a wretched sinner and without Him I am nothing. I should be thankful to God for using this as a way to let me see how weak I am and keep me small again. 

Now I will pray....there is nothing more that I can do now in this desperate situation. I can't overcome my own weak self without His help.

Please have mercy, Jesus. Please pray for me, Mother Mary. I am so sorry....please heal me again.