The Road Less Taken...And Its Tragic Result

Once I saw a split on the road

One is well-worn, well-treaded

Almost all my friends and family walk on it

My ancestors walked on it

This is the way life should be, they said

This is how it's done

This is how life suppose to be

It's a boring, up and down road

But not too bad, we'll all make it through


But I saw another road there

The road less taken

It looked refreshing and new

It seemed to lead to a beautiful mountain

And I heard there is a rainbow on the top

And I had an adventurous spirit, back then

I was a mountain-climber back then

I had so much life in me 

So much strength in me

back then.


The road was so tempting

The road was so beautiful

Then I saw a man

He said, let's walk this road together

We will journey on a new path together

We will climb that mountain

And reach that rainbow together


"Ok" I said 

He gave me a hand and I took it.

He said "Let me carry your heart for you"

And I gave it to him.

But forgot to ask for his.


We start on the road less taken

Moving further and further away 

From the well-worn road

At first it was fun

The wood was fascinating

The rough path was challenging

So many flowers on the way too

And our hands  were in each other

All the time


But then it grew darker and darker

But then the storm began to blow

But then the thorns broke my shoes

And made my foot bleed


"Can we stop?" I asked.

"It hurt real bad 
I can't keep up with your pace now"

He shook his head. "No, just keep going"

"We don't have much time to waste"



I tried to keep on walking

But the wound got worse 

Infected and swollen

I began to lose my strength

My body shook in the storm

So cold, so cold, so cold


"Can we stop for a while?" I asked again
"I'm so weak now. I can't go on"
He began to get mad
"Why are you slowing me down?"
"Why can't you just keep on walking?
It's just a wound!
See, I have had many cuts and wound
but I'm ok.
You should be like me.
You should follow my example. 
You know it's a dangerous road



He dragged me on through bushes and thorns

I had more cut. I lost more blood. 

The road is darker, no more light

No more flowers to be seen.

I felt a dizziness 

I knew I was about to faint

And then I did faint


I whispered to him "I really can't go on.

No more strength is in me.

I need rest. I need healing. 

Could you help me find some herb and water?"


Unwillingly, he let me rest.

One minute, then he said,

"You know it's my goal

I want to walk this path

I want to reach that mountain

I want to see the rainbow.

I thought we share the same goal"

But now you stop walking

And I don't have much time because the road is long.

You can stay here, but I can't."


He's about to let go of my hand

So I begged, "don't leave me, please don't leave

You have my heart with you."

So he said, "here, I give it back."

And he gave me a piece of plastic

It was not my heart.

The man was not aware 

That he has swallowed my heart

My heart had blended into him

And there was no way that I could take it back


And then he said, 
"I can wait no longer."
"I will walk ahead, follow me if you can"
"But if you can't, then I can't help." 


He began to walk away

With my heart in his body.

Not knowing that he is killing me.

I am feeling my body frozen

I am running out of blood

I am dying slowly a painful death

No traveler can travel without strength

No hiker can climb any mountain 

Or find any rainbow

Without her own heart. 


Then I saw people on another road

Those that I knew

My friends, family, ancestors...

They walk the usual path

They fare well and they are fine.

Their pace is slow, there is no mountain to climb

There is no fancy rainbow at the end of their road

But what matter is that they are not lost.

They are not left alone to die.



It was an icy cold night

And I was in the middle of nowhere

And the road ahead look empty, dry and long

I had come too far to turn back 

I had come too far to change my path 

I had come too far from the split of the road


I have picked the road less taken

There is no way of turning back

I  made even a worse mistake

I chose to walk that wild and crazy road with a man

I chose to give my heart into his hand



I looked around.

No more water to be found

No more fire, blanket

My whole legs are infected

And there is no medicine.


I tried to crawl...with the last drop of my strength

Hoping to catch up with him

But his figure looked smaller and smaller

Further and further away

And I bled..and bled..and bled


So...

When the pain become too unbearable

And all the hope are dried up

I looked around and looked around

And I saw a cliff

A place to jump

A choice is there again

Plunging to the darkness

Forgetting everything

Ending the misery

Or struggle here

And die slowly and painfully


So this this the story

of a road less taken

and its tragic end. 


Hope other travelers learn from me. 

A Search for Peace of Mind

After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,

Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:

God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference

             

This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!  

- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)

- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem. 

- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However,  I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort  to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.

So I lack all three. Period. 

But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.

This song heals me

Today, as I was working on the computer inside a coffee shop, I thought of this song, I used to recommend it to a friend and she commented today that it was powerful and beautiful. So I decided that I would listen to it again, just simply a feel-like-to-do it feeling out of the blue.

As the song began just a few second, tears brimmed my eyes, I felt I was lifted up. And when the refrain came up, I felt a power came into my heart and wiped away the pain. I cried tears of joy. I didn't know why I cried, but it felt like I was  brought into an ocean of prayers, like a prayer for humanity. We all suffer down here. We are in pain. Please help us. Let Your kingdom come.

I felt loved, I felt a presence of Love. And somehow I felt that Christ is truly the light and I didn't know why I felt that. It just happened inside my heart.

I felt like this song, this prayer, goes out to all who suffer on earth. I want to be a part of it. I want those who hurt receive healing and comfort. Then my heart begins to have a little hope for the future, a little desire to repent. And I also prayed for the one who hurt me, and I might have hurt him too.

These past few days, I struggled hard to keep my faith and trust in the Lord. When I think of the vicious cycle of darkness that kept repeating itself over and over, I thought of suicide. Actually, I've been planning carefully my suicide.

I will not say that this song can completely remove me from suicidal state.  But it truly gives me something that I haven't felt for such a long time.....

The Presence of the Lord.

The Wall Between Me and Them

There are many good people around me who try to help. They are so nice. I want them to have a good life and have all the happiness. I want my mom and dad to know that they did their best and that I love them so much, but I just can't stop this agony and they can't stop it for me. There are friends who care, there are those who pray, I want them all to be happy with their lives.

But I want to tell them that there is a wall that lock me in and you can't come in to the place where I am tormented.

The matter is between me and this man and God himself. No one can come to resolve it.
This man, he himself has all the capabilities to free me from the pain, the only human who can, But he would try to do it for a while (when God tells him to), then strum my heart with more pain. He doesn't really try to reach out to me when I'm in the dark. While all the others...all the others....they really try to reach out but they get stuck with the wall.

And today there is another incident that seems to show that God has abandoned me.
I think I have been cheated by a criminal, they took my money away and they don't send me the drug. The last element of my equipment to set myself away from the Earth. It make me feel even worse, worse, worse that even my attempt to suicide is blocked. Moreover, all attempts to reach a counselor is also blocked. God usually comes at the right end to save me, but I guess he's already given up on me. He already have enough of his saints. Maybe God already know that I am one of those destined to the dark.

I will not stop, as long as I can, I'll try to get that drug somehow. I will get that drug someday, even if it means I have to order it from another country. My set of equipment will be complete in the end.

I have tried the left turn, I'm facing forever torment and darkness. Now I will try the right turn, I will not be able to live long, and in the end there would be darkness and death anyway. I've said it before. Both road lead to darkness. I've tried to look for other paths but there's none.

I wish those who live life with normal ups and downs would continue on happily. I wish all my friends and family to be really happy. I don't want people who love me to fall into such a darkness. I wish I could tell them, if I somehow manage to die, that I'm just finding an escape path out of misery. There is nothing they can do to help me. It's not their fault.

And I wish that in the end...I would be able to forgive him.

Some songs of Suicide

Hearing this song, making me less alone too. I guess this one has it worse than me, for having no one to cry for. He stood it for five years and that's a long, long time already.

And below is another beautiful song, if the man I love could love me this much, I would change my mind. This is a song of a person who loves another person so much and try everything to stop her suicide decision. And the very last verse of the song proves it. So beautiful. I wish I were that girl he loves.( Just another day dream)

Some Interesting Quotes about Suicide

This episode of darkness recurs again, just what I had expected. The cycle will never end. And the Lord seemed to abandon me.  I've come to think that so many people are lost souls in this world. Maybe I'm just one of them. One of those lost souls. One of those who tried her best to walk with the Lord but then failed. I don't know how many people in this world are like me. People always adore and talk about the saints. They say, look all these saints bravely endure all pain and suffering and torment and finally overcome everything. They don't talk about those who tried and failed and fallen into the dark, They don't talk about Christian who committed suicide. They only talk about the saints.
But I guess this post can be information from another side, A voice of those who live in the dark.

What hurt me the most is that... I asked God to take this particular heavy cross away from me forever, just this particular one. And God....like usual.....seems to give me that hope. It's gone...long enough to give me that hope that it will be gone forever, and then....one day...bam!! I was shot, stabbed, tortured...just like before.

This man can be a manifestation of the Lord and of the Devil, One day he be a saint, another day he can be just an abusive person who hurt another one who is weaker than him.  He was possessed tonight and he tortured me with his words.

So prayers don't work. If prayers don't work...nothing else in this world will.  

This time I've almost got all the equipment ready, lack only one thing.  Someone was kind to give me phone number of counselor but that counselor was never there to receive my phone. But now I've got phone number of those who sell pills and drugs instead.

I think if it is a cycle, that means tormenting moments for the rest of my life. If I walked away from him, I face darkness. If I stay and he torture me, I face darkness. I've asked for other doors where I can see light,  that door can never happen for me.

I found some quotes on the internet, make me feel less lonely in my agony. There are suicidal people in this world who experience this kind of torment. These are their quotes:

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” 

In my case it's worse, there are days that when I'm awake, I'm in a nightmare, and when I fall asleep I have nightmare too. Tormenting nonstop.

“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.” 

“and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart.” 

I understand exactly how she feels. I want him dead too, deep inside.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”

Perfect answer. 

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”

Yes, so true. I've fought it. I fought the idea.  I put it as the last idea. But then it press and press and press me until I can't stand any longer. 

“I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me.

That is what I want to say to so many people. 

“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them.”

“If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.”  Just the right word, just how it feels, bleeding at the soul

“Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.” 

Am I one who is predestined to it? It's become the main goal right now.

The Plight of Jealousy

Jealousy is one of the things that seem to have been around me since I was a child. It is like a black fire burning inside a person. It has many levels, starting from the little prick of pain that you feel in the heart when someone you love pay too much attention on someone else, or when someone is so happy while you are so sad, then grow into the fire that burns and burns with rage inside. If one doesn't control it, it will  result into the desire to hurt another person behind their back. It will become a feeling of satisfaction when we sees someone who has always get all the luck, got blow with the big bad fortune. It will turn you into a dark monster in secret. It will make you want to curse someone with some horrible spell.  

Although I can't usually make jealousy go away, I usually don't get so far to that severe condition. I've always tried to control my jealousy, containing the fire to burn only myself, not others. But it's not an easy thing to do. It depends on the condition of mind and spirit,  On the days that I'm strong inside, I can almost make it go away, or I'd rather say it goes away by itself. I will feel nothing when I see the person happy. I will feel happy for him or her too. If the prick of jealousy occurs, then I will just keep it inside, smile and go along with everything and everyone. It will not have much power or influence on anything. But on the days that I'm weak, like lately, it's so hard to control. It begins to result into action, some terrible thoughts, some hurtful words that make the people I love feel uncomfortable or guilty, some plans to manipulate situations, avoidance of people and circumstances, and moments that I have to cry alone in agony.

I really don't know how to make jealousy go away. It seems to be one of those things that go away by itself when you are healthy spiritually. People with healthy spirit feel happy when they see others happy. People who feel hurt or pain when seeing others happy are sick inside. When you feel that every other human is just another version of yourself,  if you really feel that we are one, then there is no reason to be jealous at all. But that sort of feeling doesn't always happen. In my weak days, like yesterday, I see my mom joyfully talking with someone that I dislike, someone that hurts me when my parents are not around, I tried to tell myself over and over "it's good that they're happy, it's good that they're peaceful and on good term with each other, the world will be a more peaceful place when more people are peaceful toward one another." But the pain will not go away and the darkness doesn't leave. All I can do is just cry, put my hands on my ears, and try to stay faraway from the scene as much as possible.

On the days that my spirit was strong, I used to love and forgive this person although she didn't look at me positively. I used to be so forgiving for I know of the hard childhood she's been through. But lately it seems that I can't do that no more. Sometimes I even have the desire to get rid of her from this neighborhood. I guess it's because of now her life is better than before, she boasts it all out and look down on me, trying to show how she has become more successful. But more than anything, it is because my spirit is in such an awful condition. I don't know how much I negatively interpret her actions. Maybe it is mostly the demon inside me.

If I can't stop jealousy inside my mind, at least I will have to stop the actions. I know that the best I can do right now is to stop myself from "doing" anything to any person  that I feel jealous or envy. Lately, I finally was able to "stop" myself from doing the wrong thing; keeping some information from one of my friends so that she will not come to an event. She didn't do anything wrong, absolutely nothing. It's just that the man that I love pay too much attention on her every time and praises her so often. Imagine it, your loved one praising another woman so much while criticizing you so much. Imagine that pain.

But she really didn't do anything wrong and she is a wonderful person.  I will do everything to  stop the demon inside me from hurting her.

Nevertheless, no matter what I do, I cannot stop the pain of jealousy from burning me. I will have to avoid some events and circumstances, I will have to cry alone in agony. These are things that I won't be able to stop anyway. Jealousy is fire. It burns. Jealousy is knife. It stabs and cuts. Someone has to get hurt. Let it be me.

Until one day, maybe the Lord has mercy and I somehow be able to climb out of this the pit of despair and depression. Maybe one day, when I'm stronger inside....maybe it will go away. Maybe I can feel, like I used to feel some time ago, that we are all one. Their happiness is also my happiness,