I Am Sorry

Yesterday I looked but I was too blind to see.
What worth more and what worth less for me.
I let my pride gets me to break
All the beautful dream that we make.

I'm sorry for being so blind.
I'm sorry for lifting my head too high.
I'm sorry for have not trusted you enough.
And for being too proud to apologize

Now I know it doesn't really matter.
That tiny thing that I made all the fuss about.
Now that I know what truly really matter
It is that you are there to share my life.

You have given me a million dreams come true
I have condemned you for just one penny lost

I hope you find it in your heart
To forgive and forget the past
I hope the damage that I've made
Will be restored and compensated
By the Everlasting Light of Love
Our Lord Jesus Christ

Thank you so much for everything.
And if it's not too hard for you,
Please come back to my life.

Not too tight, not too loose

During this Lent, I am trying not to go too hard on myself. It is not in the act itself that counts, but all the fasting and penances must be done for the right purpose. And...after all...what matters most is the act of Love. If all things are done in love and in obedient toward God, it's better than all acts of ascetism. Well, that's my current belief so far.

I also think about another way...about not going against my own nature and just have courage to be who I really am. Sometimes the heart can be the best guidance, I believe. And maybe I can find more inner peace that way. I think the below writing by James Blanchard Cisneros is inspiring...

 We look upon the world our egos have created and yet sometimes feel like outcasts in a foreign land, like we do not belong. We have built our houses foundation out of the sandy pillars the ego has provided us, and still wonder why we feel insecure and unstable. We have created and look through a false self (ego) that masks the light within, yet do not understand why we can’t see or truly understand what is going on. Yet today let us not despair, for if we can teach ourselves something as difficult, unreal, and unnatural as whom we are not, then we can remind ourselves of something as easy, real, and natural as whom we truly are. Today let us begin aligning with our natural states of peace, joy, and love, by expressing these thoughts and emotions in whatever ways feel most natural to us. It is by practicing each day whom in truth we are, that we will remember how we fit, belong, and truly desire to experience and participate in this world.

Usually, I often be really careful in fasting during Lent, and when I failed, I felt so frustrated that I decided to give up all the efforts of fasting altogether. There was also a recent event that I tried to fast even during my depression and it felt as if I was torturing myself. So...this time it will be different. I will do only what I can and when I can..not to pamper or spoil myself with excessive or too much worldly pleasure. I will do a bit of penance in little ways, whenever I feel strong enough to do so. I will allow myself more physical pleasure if I'm in depressive state of mind, because in that moment I need to get up from the pit of despair and wouldn't mind using what I have to use, be it tea or music or other worldly joy.

However, I will not fall on a trap. There is a modern trend of thought that tries to make you believe that there's no such thing as sins or wrongdoings, the idea that it is good to do whatever you want with your life : spoil yourself, waste your money, be selfish, be drunk, be sexually perverted, etc. I used to have some thinking about this, and suddenly a message came to my heart...if there's no such things as sin...why did Jesus have to suffer and die on the cross? That answer erases all my doubts.

So...as the Buddha said...a harp (or another stringed instrument, I can't remember clearly) can play beautiful music if its strings are not too tight and not too loose. I will try to walk on the middle path...l'll experiment it this way...for now.

The Wave of Prayers Embacing My Soul

After the dark past few days, the light seem to shine again and something seems to lift me up from the pit that I've fallen in. I bet it's prayers...they are from my friends. How grateful I am to have such golden friends in my life, Buddhists and Christians, who have known me since I was young. After they know that my depression is back, they prayed for me in their own way...and oh, how effective their prayers are!

On my way to church today, I didn't hear those horrible voices in my head anymore, but I heard a verse from a beautiful song by R.E.M "Coz everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes" and suddenly it seemed to make sense and I felt the peace.

And then a good thought that came to me a few days ago came to me again. My teacher (also my beloved), he is an example of Christ in many ways. He himself has beared fruits of the Spirit. On this recent Valentine's Day, I noticed that he brought joy and happiness to those around him. He gave and shared, and paid attention to other people around him. He made them feel important, made them feel loved. He has this shining light of love with him wherever he goes and that is like Jesus. And so many, many times, (I mean most of the times because no one is perfect) he was very patient with me. I cried at him, I screamed at him, and said unkind words to him. He could have just deserted me to be alone, just to have more peace to himself. But he forgives so easily and he chooses to be with me. I don't even deserve such kindness!

So...how can what he taught is not real and true? He is already a model, an example, a proof whether he is with the Spirit of God.

It seems wise now to give it a bigger try and choose to believe.

And today, my godmother also taught me about trusting God in hard times, in difficult times, in times when prayers are not answered. And her life has proven it as well. And I also felt her loving care.

So today, I went up to Mama Mary and Jesus. And I said from my free will, then during this 3 years, I will give my 100% to prove whether the Catholic Church is a right path for me or not. I will give my all, my full effort. For now, I will choose to believe everything that I am taught although there are many things that I doubt. I will try to believe with my whole heart and soul during these 3 years. And I prayed that if it is really the right path for me, let me bear fruits of the Spirit too. Let my 3 wishes of self-improvement come true.

No matter what, after 3 years is still my choice. I have a choice, I can choose. And that thought gives me peace.

Dear God, please illuminate my life. Please show me what road you really want me to walk on. Please let these 3 years be a proof to my heart and soul, and let my final decision be according to Your Will. Amen.

Something I found to survive on today

The depression become close to its peak again today. This one involves extreme irritation of sounds, haunting thoughts and negative songs in my head, fatique, sadness, fear, etc. The only good thing is that I am still able to function, but barely...only barely.

In other words...it is a dark day today. Another dark day.

But I searched around and found some interesting thoughts from a website. So I'll just put them here.

The most important thing we can do as Christians is love God and love people. But before we can love anyone, we have to receive God's love. Because you can't give away something you don't have.

It's one thing to understand that God is love and He loves you, but it's another to know and experience His love personally.

 
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear..." (NKJV) 

When you really know the love of God, you don't have to be afraid of making a mistake; you can step out boldly in faith to do whatever He's calling you to do.

Thanks to Joyce Meyer. These statements helped me to remember the way I used to feel God's love. The way I used to feel the freedom in His love. I don't feel them much anymore. If love is counted like money, I am in poverty now. Have very little in store and don't know where to find more. Catholic church teaches me about getting rid of sins, about carrying crosses of pains and agony, about penances and suffering oneself for the sake of Christ and humanity, and about...no matter what you have to be like Job in the Bible.

But all these practices and teachings help very little when someone like me suffers depression and other spsychological problems.It gives me no hope. I can only see darkness ahead and darkness around. And when that happens to me...I have no love to give to others. Isn't "Love" the highest commandment?

But I will still continue just as I have promised myself...until June 2017. I will experiment and see the results with myself whether Catholic faith is really for me. There is still time.

Just Matter of Years

It seems that things gathered and pointed up and pressed and lead me toward "that" end.

But it's just simply not now. I have a reason to stand. I have a reason to live.

But I will have my real choice after some of these years have passed

After "A" happens, then "B" can happen.

I will wait until "A" happens, then maybe I will consider "B"...still a choice.

But right now eventhough "B" can happen too, but I choose not to.

Taking "B" alternative right now can bring more long-term troubles.

So...the matter on the face is...

How can I survive the moments when "B" is not yet a choice

when I still have to wait for "B"

I have to endure....no other alternatives

Anything to survive and function.

Yes, I can take "B" now, it is tempting.

But I heard of people who takes "B" alternative before "A" happens

The result wasn't so good, more troubles ahead I guess.

I'll wait...I'll wait...I'll wait.

Too small to judge

I've been having some bad days, some disappointments. And I've asked why..why...why. Sometimes I don't understand what good can come up of things that God allows to happen to me.

But well, I do receive some answers. So I will share them here.

Last night, my teacher told me that when you're trying to do something good but it goes to waste, that effort you made is already a light within itself. It's not a waste anyway.

Today I found this beautiful quote from the Facebook of a book called "You Have Chosen To Remember" by James Blanchard Cisneros. It seems to bring me peace and seem to be a guideline. When I listen to some messages and feel a bit of heaven in my heart, I tend to believe it anyway.

...Today I acknowledge that I cannot understand the whole of Creation’s plan through the little peephole of the ego’s perceptions. Realizing this lack of full understanding, I am thus relieved and released of judgments that I truly cannot make. Freeing the world from my judgments I thus free myself...

Simply just to get up

Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning.

It is very hard when that reason is....because you 'must'

because you have to live on another day.

It is very hard because when you think of the new day...

You think of pain, mistery, troubles,...no joy is there to look forward to.

I'm on fasting...I can't drink the tea, my favorite drink.

And sometimes it feel stupid doing something like that.

Everyone needs some kind of happiness to survive on.

Even to get a drink of tea can be a reason to wake up.

Now I don't have it anymore.

Maybe it is not good for a depressed person to fast. 

Some people can live with fasting.
Because they have the joy of God.
Because they have another level of happiness to sustain them.
Because they have true peace.

Me...I don't.
Some people said...not yet your time...you'll get there someday.
And I don't even see trace of possiblity.

Some people say if you stop the worldly pleasure,
then your body and soul will be ready for something better.
The is my seventh day, and I don't feel a single bit of that
That higher level of happiness they're talking about.


So...I will give it 3 years with this religion.
If I'm not a better or a happier person by that time, then it's not for me.
I will go back to just simply be a Christian, I'll continue to love God and Jesus.
Following the commandment of Love, only do what stated in the Bible.
But not in the way of the Roman Catholic Church.

And if doing that still won't lift me off this pit of darkness
Then I will try to survive until my parents die.
After that I will take my own life.
That's the plan.

Well, but as long as I'm still in these 3 years.
I will assume that this is the right path.
I will give it my best shot.
I will try to believe what they said...
that it's not yet my time.
Just hold on.

I will try to belive in what they say about purgatory on earth and all those stuff.
For now.

I am not blaming the path.
I am not blaming the Church.
It seem that some people are very happy being there
Some people are doing those fasting, penance, rosary, etc.
And they are perfectly happy people.

I just suspect that maybe it's not for me...that's all.
And if it's my depressed self speaking,
maybe there is no path that is right for me after all.
I am simply too weak to get my life together. 
Simply too weak to bear sufferings while most people can.
Simply a person not worth living anymore.

Misophonia: Living with the Devil inside your ears

Well, it's hard to have so many sickness inside yourself, and they are invisible in the eyes of others. I might really look like a weird person sometimes for feeling very, very disturbed with some tiny sounds around me but I at least now I found out that I'm not the only one getting this kind of pain. It's called Sound Sensitivity Disorder (Misophonia). Last night it got me terribly that I had to cover my ears. The funny thing is when you have this, you're not disturbed by loud sounds, but you are disturbed by some small sounds around you. That's why in the middle of the night I had to cover my ears or playing loud music to my ears or otherwise go to sleep or work somewhere completely quietly. I shouldn't blame anyone who's making the sound because it's my disorder, not their fault. I've attached some link to share this knowledge. They said that many people have it but they don't realize it. There are many levels as well. On the mildest level, you feel annoyed but don't have to do anything. On the severest level...you go and punch the face of the person who makes that tiny noise. Fortunately, after some study, I found that, on my worst day, I'm on middle level...cover my ears, run away, and feel like screaming or crying...

I wrote the above post in my Facebook just to vent the pain out. The sad thing is that nobody cares. The worst thing is that tonight it seems to get even worse than before. I feel like bursting out my anger, I began to have hateful thought about the person who keeps making the annoying sound, I began to hit the computer with my fists. It's so torturing, very torturing. I don't know how to explain how terrible it feels when I hear those sounds. It's a kind of misery you can't explain to anyone. 

Then, the best part that I could possibly have, I decided to consecrate all my sufferings to God...to help anyone in need. There is a bunch of suffering to give indeed. Hope it will be useful for someone. The suffering felt bearable for a while, then the anger started to form up inside me again. I started to deliberately sigh out loud. Fortunately, the coughing person moved away from that window and cough less.

The anger is from the devil, it tries to make me hate the innocent person who did nothing but just coughing. He's already in pain with his health problem. I think I will try everyway to change my anger into tears when this happens again. Well, but I guess the next time I might really have to change my work station at night. It sounds like a must to me now. I don't think I will have the strength to consecrate my sufferings to God every night, tonight I am already at the extreme. 

Alright, at least I get to vent it out. I'm using this blog again because lately on the other new blog, it was so difficult to access each page. I can no longer post any link or any picture either. Something is wrong with that site. I won't use it anymore. I'll come back here. There's a lot of space to write and play.

Good night. And if you wonder what I'm talking about, check out the below link.


Info about Misophonia

My sympathy to Japan

I express my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of the two Japanese journalists. There is nothing much to say because words won't bring anyone back from death.

I heard that that one was a really good person...

But I'm not going to stir any hatred here. Don't want more war in this world, but I guess, if it will happen, then I can't stop it anyway.

Some thoughts on Charlie Hepdo case

Just sharing a bit of thoughts. Personally, I don't believe it is the right thing make fun of any religions. Of course, terrorism is absolutely wrong and no one deserve to be killed just by drawing dark humor cartoons. But, it is not right that you use "freedom of expression" to give yourself any right to make fun of anyone. If "freedom of expression" is interpreted as saying absolutely anything, whether kind or unkind, right or not right, truth or lie, then the whole world will be a mess and we won't be able to stop the bullying in any school.

I am sad to hear about the killing of the cartoonists. But I wouldn't call it good or great to make an exhibition showing off those cartoons that make fun of the Islam. I am not a Muslim, but I don't like anyone making fun of any religions. It's true...I won't be able to stop them, and if some people do this to my religion, I would feel sad, but of course, I wouldn't try to attack or kill them. We are taught to endure and not to slap back.

But the ISIS are surely not the gentle loving Christians, and their reaction....well, you see.
Actually, in Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and other religions....the essence of the teaching always include peace and love. But now there are those who interpret it in a different way, how sad!
It's bad to make fun of any religions, and it is particularly not wise at all to make fun of a violent political group with their own troops. What's the point of saying...hey hey we're not afraid of ya, we're gonna keep making fun of you and your religion! And then bang! bang! bang! some of the people are dead. What's good coming out of it?

Don't get me wrong. I AM NOT SAYING that we should give in to terrorism. We should be against it at all cost. I just simply say that it is wrong to make fun of one's religion or the founder of a religion.

I really do pray for the world now...for it seems that the number of international conflicts keep rising high. I don't want to see World War III.