Not too tight, not too loose

During this Lent, I am trying not to go too hard on myself. It is not in the act itself that counts, but all the fasting and penances must be done for the right purpose. And...after all...what matters most is the act of Love. If all things are done in love and in obedient toward God, it's better than all acts of ascetism. Well, that's my current belief so far.

I also think about another way...about not going against my own nature and just have courage to be who I really am. Sometimes the heart can be the best guidance, I believe. And maybe I can find more inner peace that way. I think the below writing by James Blanchard Cisneros is inspiring...

 We look upon the world our egos have created and yet sometimes feel like outcasts in a foreign land, like we do not belong. We have built our houses foundation out of the sandy pillars the ego has provided us, and still wonder why we feel insecure and unstable. We have created and look through a false self (ego) that masks the light within, yet do not understand why we can’t see or truly understand what is going on. Yet today let us not despair, for if we can teach ourselves something as difficult, unreal, and unnatural as whom we are not, then we can remind ourselves of something as easy, real, and natural as whom we truly are. Today let us begin aligning with our natural states of peace, joy, and love, by expressing these thoughts and emotions in whatever ways feel most natural to us. It is by practicing each day whom in truth we are, that we will remember how we fit, belong, and truly desire to experience and participate in this world.

Usually, I often be really careful in fasting during Lent, and when I failed, I felt so frustrated that I decided to give up all the efforts of fasting altogether. There was also a recent event that I tried to fast even during my depression and it felt as if I was torturing myself. So...this time it will be different. I will do only what I can and when I can..not to pamper or spoil myself with excessive or too much worldly pleasure. I will do a bit of penance in little ways, whenever I feel strong enough to do so. I will allow myself more physical pleasure if I'm in depressive state of mind, because in that moment I need to get up from the pit of despair and wouldn't mind using what I have to use, be it tea or music or other worldly joy.

However, I will not fall on a trap. There is a modern trend of thought that tries to make you believe that there's no such thing as sins or wrongdoings, the idea that it is good to do whatever you want with your life : spoil yourself, waste your money, be selfish, be drunk, be sexually perverted, etc. I used to have some thinking about this, and suddenly a message came to my heart...if there's no such things as sin...why did Jesus have to suffer and die on the cross? That answer erases all my doubts.

So...as the Buddha said...a harp (or another stringed instrument, I can't remember clearly) can play beautiful music if its strings are not too tight and not too loose. I will try to walk on the middle path...l'll experiment it this way...for now.