Simply just to get up

Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning.

It is very hard when that reason is....because you 'must'

because you have to live on another day.

It is very hard because when you think of the new day...

You think of pain, mistery, troubles,...no joy is there to look forward to.

I'm on fasting...I can't drink the tea, my favorite drink.

And sometimes it feel stupid doing something like that.

Everyone needs some kind of happiness to survive on.

Even to get a drink of tea can be a reason to wake up.

Now I don't have it anymore.

Maybe it is not good for a depressed person to fast. 

Some people can live with fasting.
Because they have the joy of God.
Because they have another level of happiness to sustain them.
Because they have true peace.

Me...I don't.
Some people said...not yet your time...you'll get there someday.
And I don't even see trace of possiblity.

Some people say if you stop the worldly pleasure,
then your body and soul will be ready for something better.
The is my seventh day, and I don't feel a single bit of that
That higher level of happiness they're talking about.


So...I will give it 3 years with this religion.
If I'm not a better or a happier person by that time, then it's not for me.
I will go back to just simply be a Christian, I'll continue to love God and Jesus.
Following the commandment of Love, only do what stated in the Bible.
But not in the way of the Roman Catholic Church.

And if doing that still won't lift me off this pit of darkness
Then I will try to survive until my parents die.
After that I will take my own life.
That's the plan.

Well, but as long as I'm still in these 3 years.
I will assume that this is the right path.
I will give it my best shot.
I will try to believe what they said...
that it's not yet my time.
Just hold on.

I will try to belive in what they say about purgatory on earth and all those stuff.
For now.

I am not blaming the path.
I am not blaming the Church.
It seem that some people are very happy being there
Some people are doing those fasting, penance, rosary, etc.
And they are perfectly happy people.

I just suspect that maybe it's not for me...that's all.
And if it's my depressed self speaking,
maybe there is no path that is right for me after all.
I am simply too weak to get my life together. 
Simply too weak to bear sufferings while most people can.
Simply a person not worth living anymore.