After the dark past few days, the light seem to shine again and something seems to lift me up from the pit that I've fallen in. I bet it's prayers...they are from my friends. How grateful I am to have such golden friends in my life, Buddhists and Christians, who have known me since I was young. After they know that my depression is back, they prayed for me in their own way...and oh, how effective their prayers are!
On my way to church today, I didn't hear those horrible voices in my head anymore, but I heard a verse from a beautiful song by R.E.M "Coz everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes" and suddenly it seemed to make sense and I felt the peace.
And then a good thought that came to me a few days ago came to me again. My teacher (also my beloved), he is an example of Christ in many ways. He himself has beared fruits of the Spirit. On this recent Valentine's Day, I noticed that he brought joy and happiness to those around him. He gave and shared, and paid attention to other people around him. He made them feel important, made them feel loved. He has this shining light of love with him wherever he goes and that is like Jesus. And so many, many times, (I mean most of the times because no one is perfect) he was very patient with me. I cried at him, I screamed at him, and said unkind words to him. He could have just deserted me to be alone, just to have more peace to himself. But he forgives so easily and he chooses to be with me. I don't even deserve such kindness!
So...how can what he taught is not real and true? He is already a model, an example, a proof whether he is with the Spirit of God.
It seems wise now to give it a bigger try and choose to believe.
And today, my godmother also taught me about trusting God in hard times, in difficult times, in times when prayers are not answered. And her life has proven it as well. And I also felt her loving care.
So today, I went up to Mama Mary and Jesus. And I said from my free will, then during this 3 years, I will give my 100% to prove whether the Catholic Church is a right path for me or not. I will give my all, my full effort. For now, I will choose to believe everything that I am taught although there are many things that I doubt. I will try to believe with my whole heart and soul during these 3 years. And I prayed that if it is really the right path for me, let me bear fruits of the Spirit too. Let my 3 wishes of self-improvement come true.
No matter what, after 3 years is still my choice. I have a choice, I can choose. And that thought gives me peace.
Dear God, please illuminate my life. Please show me what road you really want me to walk on. Please let these 3 years be a proof to my heart and soul, and let my final decision be according to Your Will. Amen.
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