Some people say that religion is a tool toward the truth, in itself not the answer, but just a way that will help you find the answer. I think I agree with that.
At first, before I became a Catholic, I often heard a bad remark about the belief of this religion, something like "they are crazy, trying to deny themselves, restraining and restricting their own life and body, these people are crazy." And then there are movies that show pictures of insane Catholic monks who tortures themselves by whipping their own back or torturing and burming people of other faith. This gives me a chill, and in those days I never thought that I would one day entering this faith. I was glad for being just a simple "Christian."
Now, today I have been in this religion for more than two years, learning and exploring their teachings and practices. I can't denied that it was a calling, God wanted me here. There are something else that I must learn apart from the simple and real truth about Christ being taught in other lines of Christianity.
What I learn about ascetism are:
- Catholics don't encourage extreme torment of the body. Ascetism can be practiced moderately and it is possible in the modern world.
- "Eat less, please oneself less, speak less, and pray more" really does good things to you.
- The last period that I tried it (very mildly), together with receiving the Eucharist everyday, it seemed that the condition of my spirit is better. Once I stopped and returned to the old way of living, my condition fell dramatically, like down from 80 to 20.
- I am able to hear God speaking and guiding me more clearly when I don't pamper my body so much with food, drink, internet, movies, shopping, speaking nonsense, etc. If I spend more time in prayers and mass, I will gain benefits because this is a way to clean up the temple of the Holy Spirit, which is our body and mind.
-While practicing that, I need to avoid committing sin and if I do, then I should confess right away. Sins are like the dirt on your clothes, when you get it on, your clothes are dirty and you have to wash it away (being forgiven by Christ).
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All of these things that I learn, I have to thank my teacher, my godmother, the priest from the chapel, a book that I am translating (a wonderful book, God spoke to me through this book many times: Heaven Begins Within You by Anselm Gruen and another book that I am reading while traveling in boat, bus or sky train, a very insightful book: School of the Holy Spirit by Aneel Aranha.
However, one thing that I really believe is that you cannot accomplish anything without God. It is wrong to believe if we control ourselves enough then we will be able to progress spiritually. This is not true at all.
If I don't obey His will, if I don't pray for His help, if I believe that it is my own ability that makes me a better person, then I would fall so hard no matter how diligently I try to restrain by body and desire. Ascetism is just a tool, it is not the answer.
Like meditation, I use to practice it very hard, feel very determined, and was hurt when I didn't seem to progress. And one day, God took me off and away during the first one or two breath of meditation, then I realized that....just let it go. If God wants to lift up my spirit, then He will, right away with just a blink of an eye. If He decides that I should not progress, then I should accept it humbly and just keep on practicing. I must try not to let aspiration, pride, and self-centering to get the best of me. If I still have these things, God won't let me progress much, I believe.
Sometimes I wonder if writing this blog is being boastful, but then I think, people can shares miracles and things that happen in their life as a witness to the world, then this blog is the same thing. It's just a sharing of a person's life. That's all. I am just one poor soul that won't be able to do anything without Jesus (and probably had already killed myself if God hadn't saved me.). How can I be boastful? There is nothing to boast about.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Thursday, 9 January 2014
A Letter to My Teacher
According to an event today, I have a question that came to my mind.
I have always understood and believed that people are born to find their own destiny in life...we are here to cultivate love, to let go of hatred, to live with one another with peace and to be free from the illusions of the world.
I have also believed that each person's journey is their own personal journey and we cannot judge or decide for another person which path they should take, we cannot use our standard to measure a person's life.
I also believed that religion founders (The Buddha, Jesus Christ, etc.) are those who come to point to us what is the Ultimate Destiny and which path one can take to get there.
So, the earth is like a school that the souls come to take their human experience in order to evolve and get closer to that Ultimate Destiny, and this school have so many classes, so many teachers, so many grades.
I talked to my teacher today, I heard he said something that seems to state that all people who do not take the path of ascetism are those who are deaf and reject the truth. So I disagreed with him by saying that people are on their own different journeys, only some, when it is their own right time and they are ready, can come to ascetism, which leads directly to the Ultimate Destiny. Not everyone can take this path, if they are not ready. And my teacher seemed offended and said that I also rejected the message of truth.
And I just don't understand why he thought that I rejected the truth. I just simply do not want to use the word that regards other people on earth as stupid, deaf, blind, pigs, chickens, etc. I believe that when we are still early on our spiritual journey, we will ignore higher truth because it is not our time. Babies and todlers and primary students wouldn't want to read academic books of university students, not because they are stubborn, but it's just simply not their time. And for one moment, I felt as if his words seem to regard all others as lower than himself. That's why I spoke up, and I didn't even have an intention to offend or reject the lesson that he was about to teach me.
The words that I spoke was just an expression of opinion. I reject that we should not regard other people as being lower than ourselves, I don't reject ascetism as one of the highest spiritual path. I totally agree with that.
I know that my teacher is on a higher level and he had much more knowledge than I do. I know that he can talk about things that I can have no clues about because I have not learned that lessons yet. I never regard myself as knowing anything more than he does. If I protested a bit today, it was because I don't like hearing him saying things that regard all students as being stupid or blind if they ignore spiritual truth. It's just simply...not a loving way to teach, not a loving thing to say. Does God tell us to deliver the message, but always with "Love"?
(Well, now that hit me on the spot. I also delivered the message of my disagreement in unloving way as well. I am sorry about that, really. I should have said it in a calmer voice and I should have listened more before I argued. That was my fault. )
But still...am I wrong about the truth that I believe in the first few paragraphs of this writing? I don't think so. I still believe that we should be focusing on loving everyone and should not regard anyone as being stupid or said anything in the way that looked down on them. I did that sometimes and God scolded me hard every time.
And if me saying this...is a judgement toward my teacher because he did not have the intention to regard anyone as lower than himself at all, but it was just me who didn't listen hard enough, then I apologize and I am sorry. I just simple disagreed in what I see. I don't want to have any "ego" fight with anyone. I only use my "ego" a bit on the matter that I am very vulnerable in this life and I just need to get stronger to survive. I never want to use it while I am learning things from my teacher because it will hinder my learning.
Today, my teacher mentioned that he would never come to teach me again if I don't listen, because it is no use to teach someone who reject the message and blind to see the truth.
I am very sad about that. Because I am not rejecting the message nor the lesson.
But today, I also let it go and prayed to God to tell my teacher that:
I am a student who is learning thing in her own level the best way that she can. She wants to find the truth about life, being free from the world, and her highest goal is to be one with the Light of Light, the Highest Form of Love.
However, she is still looking for a path that matches her level of learning and still got many questions to answer about her own life. She is considering ascetism as a path as well, but not sure about which level to take not to make it extreme. She is also unsure if she should start it on full-measure because she has not passed some other lessons before that one yet.
But if my teacher really thinks that I am not fit to be his student anymore, maybe it is best for him to find another student who is on a higher grade than me. This is not an ego-speaking. I say it because I don't want him to waste the time on me if God does not meant for it to be so.
And if God has assigned him to give me a message so he has to do it before he can go free, then he can just deliver the message to me, and I will record it down although I may not understand everything. And he can seclude himself in private place like a desert monk the way he always mentions it as something he has longed to do. If being out in the world with people really bothers his spirit that much, then I don't want to be one of those who bothers him.
I am thankful and grateful for everything he has done for me, really. That is from the the heart. But I also prayed that God will deliver the message for me. I am a student who is willing to learn. But if my teacher does not see me as fit for learning. Then what can I say?
It is true "a student should go to a teacher, not a teacher go to a student." that is true.
But if the teacher does not want to teach a student who is willing to learn. Then...
I guess the student will have to find another teacher. What else can she do?
I have always understood and believed that people are born to find their own destiny in life...we are here to cultivate love, to let go of hatred, to live with one another with peace and to be free from the illusions of the world.
I have also believed that each person's journey is their own personal journey and we cannot judge or decide for another person which path they should take, we cannot use our standard to measure a person's life.
I also believed that religion founders (The Buddha, Jesus Christ, etc.) are those who come to point to us what is the Ultimate Destiny and which path one can take to get there.
So, the earth is like a school that the souls come to take their human experience in order to evolve and get closer to that Ultimate Destiny, and this school have so many classes, so many teachers, so many grades.
I talked to my teacher today, I heard he said something that seems to state that all people who do not take the path of ascetism are those who are deaf and reject the truth. So I disagreed with him by saying that people are on their own different journeys, only some, when it is their own right time and they are ready, can come to ascetism, which leads directly to the Ultimate Destiny. Not everyone can take this path, if they are not ready. And my teacher seemed offended and said that I also rejected the message of truth.
And I just don't understand why he thought that I rejected the truth. I just simply do not want to use the word that regards other people on earth as stupid, deaf, blind, pigs, chickens, etc. I believe that when we are still early on our spiritual journey, we will ignore higher truth because it is not our time. Babies and todlers and primary students wouldn't want to read academic books of university students, not because they are stubborn, but it's just simply not their time. And for one moment, I felt as if his words seem to regard all others as lower than himself. That's why I spoke up, and I didn't even have an intention to offend or reject the lesson that he was about to teach me.
The words that I spoke was just an expression of opinion. I reject that we should not regard other people as being lower than ourselves, I don't reject ascetism as one of the highest spiritual path. I totally agree with that.
I know that my teacher is on a higher level and he had much more knowledge than I do. I know that he can talk about things that I can have no clues about because I have not learned that lessons yet. I never regard myself as knowing anything more than he does. If I protested a bit today, it was because I don't like hearing him saying things that regard all students as being stupid or blind if they ignore spiritual truth. It's just simply...not a loving way to teach, not a loving thing to say. Does God tell us to deliver the message, but always with "Love"?
(Well, now that hit me on the spot. I also delivered the message of my disagreement in unloving way as well. I am sorry about that, really. I should have said it in a calmer voice and I should have listened more before I argued. That was my fault. )
But still...am I wrong about the truth that I believe in the first few paragraphs of this writing? I don't think so. I still believe that we should be focusing on loving everyone and should not regard anyone as being stupid or said anything in the way that looked down on them. I did that sometimes and God scolded me hard every time.
And if me saying this...is a judgement toward my teacher because he did not have the intention to regard anyone as lower than himself at all, but it was just me who didn't listen hard enough, then I apologize and I am sorry. I just simple disagreed in what I see. I don't want to have any "ego" fight with anyone. I only use my "ego" a bit on the matter that I am very vulnerable in this life and I just need to get stronger to survive. I never want to use it while I am learning things from my teacher because it will hinder my learning.
Today, my teacher mentioned that he would never come to teach me again if I don't listen, because it is no use to teach someone who reject the message and blind to see the truth.
I am very sad about that. Because I am not rejecting the message nor the lesson.
But today, I also let it go and prayed to God to tell my teacher that:
I am a student who is learning thing in her own level the best way that she can. She wants to find the truth about life, being free from the world, and her highest goal is to be one with the Light of Light, the Highest Form of Love.
However, she is still looking for a path that matches her level of learning and still got many questions to answer about her own life. She is considering ascetism as a path as well, but not sure about which level to take not to make it extreme. She is also unsure if she should start it on full-measure because she has not passed some other lessons before that one yet.
But if my teacher really thinks that I am not fit to be his student anymore, maybe it is best for him to find another student who is on a higher grade than me. This is not an ego-speaking. I say it because I don't want him to waste the time on me if God does not meant for it to be so.
And if God has assigned him to give me a message so he has to do it before he can go free, then he can just deliver the message to me, and I will record it down although I may not understand everything. And he can seclude himself in private place like a desert monk the way he always mentions it as something he has longed to do. If being out in the world with people really bothers his spirit that much, then I don't want to be one of those who bothers him.
I am thankful and grateful for everything he has done for me, really. That is from the the heart. But I also prayed that God will deliver the message for me. I am a student who is willing to learn. But if my teacher does not see me as fit for learning. Then what can I say?
It is true "a student should go to a teacher, not a teacher go to a student." that is true.
But if the teacher does not want to teach a student who is willing to learn. Then...
I guess the student will have to find another teacher. What else can she do?
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
A Little Use of the "EGO"
Everybody knows that "ego" is something that we will finally have to get rid of if one is meant to pursue spiritual development. However, it is esteemed as one of the hardest thing, the last thing, that a person can leave behind. And I totally agree with that.
At this point of my life, many times I know that I must try to make this thing soften down in order to humble myself and learn. But I also learn that...ego itself is a protection for those who are not yet strong inside (and I am included.) It is a good protection from hurt and it is a thing to cling to when one needs to make a correct action while feeling very weak inside.
The ego is a little useful now. I will keep some part of it while it is necessary. I will try my best and pray that God will help me totally let it go at the end, of course. But for "Now" I need it in order to separate myself from something that I am emotionally attached to. The ego will help me walk away because it is the right thing to do. Actually, I am very thankful that I have just discovered that it is a very right thing to do. The ego will help me ignore my pain, ignore the tears, and move forward to a change of action. The heart is weak, but with the "ego" you can shrug, and say "so what? I will keep my dignity now. I will do the right thing for myself and others. I don't care how I feel inside."
So many times I wonder why some women needs to act so macho in order to show others that they are strong, that they "just don't care a bit." Now I understand that a little ego is very necessary for them to survive while making that big change, while dealing with their own emotional attachment. I don't blame anyone for this. It is definitely necessary at this part of their life.
The ego can also lessen the pain down a bit. It can't erase the pain, of course. But it will keep the person head on their shoulder, help them survive another day, tell them that they will be ok and encourage them that they will be able to make it. The heart might feel like a glass that is about to break into pieces but the ego hold it together. Keep it alive.
The "ego" is something to get rid of. Yes, that is for sure. But...at the right time.
Am I writing this blog with my ego? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But when I think about it, people learn from each other anyway...we even learn from each other's mistakes. I never shout that anyone to believe or agree with what I say...everybody has their own thought and consideration. At least, if they see how foolish is my writing, they will learn not be like me, hehe!
Anyway, even if this blog affects no one. It now affects me in a positive way because it helps me put my thoughts in order and record it for future review.
I will believe my "ego" a bit this time.
At this point of my life, many times I know that I must try to make this thing soften down in order to humble myself and learn. But I also learn that...ego itself is a protection for those who are not yet strong inside (and I am included.) It is a good protection from hurt and it is a thing to cling to when one needs to make a correct action while feeling very weak inside.
The ego is a little useful now. I will keep some part of it while it is necessary. I will try my best and pray that God will help me totally let it go at the end, of course. But for "Now" I need it in order to separate myself from something that I am emotionally attached to. The ego will help me walk away because it is the right thing to do. Actually, I am very thankful that I have just discovered that it is a very right thing to do. The ego will help me ignore my pain, ignore the tears, and move forward to a change of action. The heart is weak, but with the "ego" you can shrug, and say "so what? I will keep my dignity now. I will do the right thing for myself and others. I don't care how I feel inside."
So many times I wonder why some women needs to act so macho in order to show others that they are strong, that they "just don't care a bit." Now I understand that a little ego is very necessary for them to survive while making that big change, while dealing with their own emotional attachment. I don't blame anyone for this. It is definitely necessary at this part of their life.
The ego can also lessen the pain down a bit. It can't erase the pain, of course. But it will keep the person head on their shoulder, help them survive another day, tell them that they will be ok and encourage them that they will be able to make it. The heart might feel like a glass that is about to break into pieces but the ego hold it together. Keep it alive.
The "ego" is something to get rid of. Yes, that is for sure. But...at the right time.
Am I writing this blog with my ego? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But when I think about it, people learn from each other anyway...we even learn from each other's mistakes. I never shout that anyone to believe or agree with what I say...everybody has their own thought and consideration. At least, if they see how foolish is my writing, they will learn not be like me, hehe!
Anyway, even if this blog affects no one. It now affects me in a positive way because it helps me put my thoughts in order and record it for future review.
I will believe my "ego" a bit this time.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
A few things about demon oppression
- It can happen so suddenly. Maybe right after a period of time when your spirit has been peaceful and filled with joy. A big contradiction.
- It can be transferred between persons or spread like communicable diseases
-It makes you feel weird inside yourself, as if there is a darkness residing in it.
-It makes you unable to think clearly as if there is a fog in your head blogging you from seeing things the way they are.
-It makes you do things without awareness, as if part of your subconsciousness manipulates you to do things that will result in troubles for yourself or others.
-It can suddenly put evil and ugly thoughts right inside your head, no matter where you are. I got that ugly thought right in the middle of church, just as I was standing in a row to receive the Eucharist. How horrified I felt, can you imagine?
-It can put thoughts inside your head while you are asleep or half asleep, a thought that slipped in so quickly as if it popped up out of nowhere. You are being forced to be aware of that thought. Sometimes God put thoughts in your head this way, too, but I learn now that the big difference is that thoughts from evil makes you wake up and worried and afraid and anxious and scared, or...confused, at least. But if the thought is from God, when you wake up it brings peace and understanding and serenity and joy.
-In my case, I can feel myself having strange effect on other people, it is like inside my body there is a wave that attract some people in a bad way or scare away some sensitive people as if they can feel that devil inside me.
-It can make you physically sick or hurt. A sickness or pain that happened to the body suddenly without a cause and can vanish immediately just by simple prayer.
-Horrible series of non-stop nightmares...particularly it will make you be the person who do bad things in the dream so that you will wake up and feel bad about yourself.
Now....the good parts. I also learn something important about what to do when these things happen from a recent experience. Of course, prayer is always necessary but also....
-Positive thoughts can help clear away this dark power over you. Keep hoping, keep believing, keep thinking that no matter what this darkness cannot win over you because you belong to the light. If I let fear have influence over me when I am under oppression, my condition gets worse and worse, but when I let hope and faith shine more brightly. The darkness seems to go away.
-See God in everything and everyone. See beauty in everything and everyone. Focus on the good of others or the good of an event, althought the event may seem terrible. Stop judging others but do everything with a clear and good intention.
-Admit your own false or your own mistakes in front of God. Don't be to prideful, because that's the channel that the devils can grab you tightly.
-Ask for help from Mother Mary, Jesus, or Archangel Michael when evil spirits disturb the body directly.
-Avoid all sources of evil in media (songs, TV, movies, etc.)
-Don't hate the demons. Love them anyway.
-Holy water..to drink or pour over your head. But you must do it with belief. (now I'm gonna go get one.)
-Fasting. (strange but true, it works)
- If none works, consult an exorcist priest.
I don't know if this thing has left me yet, but I will not give up this time. I will try my best to fight and keep on believing that everything that happened is meant for the good. One day I will understand why God allows such bad experience to happen. I will keep on trusting and obeying His voice, as much as a poor soul like me can. I know that if He wants to free me from it, He can do with just a blink of an eye. But if He doesn't, then He has a good reason for it.
At least I should be grateful that it is an oppression, not a possession.
- It can be transferred between persons or spread like communicable diseases
-It makes you feel weird inside yourself, as if there is a darkness residing in it.
-It makes you unable to think clearly as if there is a fog in your head blogging you from seeing things the way they are.
-It makes you do things without awareness, as if part of your subconsciousness manipulates you to do things that will result in troubles for yourself or others.
-It can suddenly put evil and ugly thoughts right inside your head, no matter where you are. I got that ugly thought right in the middle of church, just as I was standing in a row to receive the Eucharist. How horrified I felt, can you imagine?
-It can put thoughts inside your head while you are asleep or half asleep, a thought that slipped in so quickly as if it popped up out of nowhere. You are being forced to be aware of that thought. Sometimes God put thoughts in your head this way, too, but I learn now that the big difference is that thoughts from evil makes you wake up and worried and afraid and anxious and scared, or...confused, at least. But if the thought is from God, when you wake up it brings peace and understanding and serenity and joy.
-In my case, I can feel myself having strange effect on other people, it is like inside my body there is a wave that attract some people in a bad way or scare away some sensitive people as if they can feel that devil inside me.
-It can make you physically sick or hurt. A sickness or pain that happened to the body suddenly without a cause and can vanish immediately just by simple prayer.
-Horrible series of non-stop nightmares...particularly it will make you be the person who do bad things in the dream so that you will wake up and feel bad about yourself.
Now....the good parts. I also learn something important about what to do when these things happen from a recent experience. Of course, prayer is always necessary but also....
-Positive thoughts can help clear away this dark power over you. Keep hoping, keep believing, keep thinking that no matter what this darkness cannot win over you because you belong to the light. If I let fear have influence over me when I am under oppression, my condition gets worse and worse, but when I let hope and faith shine more brightly. The darkness seems to go away.
-See God in everything and everyone. See beauty in everything and everyone. Focus on the good of others or the good of an event, althought the event may seem terrible. Stop judging others but do everything with a clear and good intention.
-Admit your own false or your own mistakes in front of God. Don't be to prideful, because that's the channel that the devils can grab you tightly.
-Ask for help from Mother Mary, Jesus, or Archangel Michael when evil spirits disturb the body directly.
-Avoid all sources of evil in media (songs, TV, movies, etc.)
-Don't hate the demons. Love them anyway.
-Holy water..to drink or pour over your head. But you must do it with belief. (now I'm gonna go get one.)
-Fasting. (strange but true, it works)
- If none works, consult an exorcist priest.
I don't know if this thing has left me yet, but I will not give up this time. I will try my best to fight and keep on believing that everything that happened is meant for the good. One day I will understand why God allows such bad experience to happen. I will keep on trusting and obeying His voice, as much as a poor soul like me can. I know that if He wants to free me from it, He can do with just a blink of an eye. But if He doesn't, then He has a good reason for it.
At least I should be grateful that it is an oppression, not a possession.
A Child Who Almost Become A Smoker
The latest book that I translated was "Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr." Doing this work brought back some memory from my adolescence years.
One day, when I was about 12 years old, someone gave me a cigarette and said "let's try this together!"
I was scared. Having heard so much from school about how cigarette is one of the addictive drugs that can kill you in the end, I felt like I was in front of something scary. But at the same time, curiousity exists in the mind of every child. This is one chance to try something that no adult would allow you to. So I tried it.
I lit up the cigarette and sucked a bit of the smoke into my mouth and let it out through my nose. Oh Wow! It did make me feel really good. I guess it must have been a menthol cigarette or something because I felt the smoke was cool and relaxing.
I was very lucky. I refused to take the second cigarette because I was lucky....
Here are the reasons that prevented me from taking more.
- The first cigarette tasted good and I thought "that's why people get addicted to it, I must stop now before it's too late!" I knew that I was one of those weak people who get addicted to things very easily. So I was scared and didn't take another cigarette although I was offerred. Allen Carr said that many people became smokers because their first cigarette tasted very bad and they thought they would never get addicted. In my case, the first cigarette tasted good and it scared the hell out of me.
- I didn't know how to puff the smoke into my lungs. All that I did was just getting it in my mouth and let it out my nose. So nicotine from the first cigarette didn't really get that deep into my body.
-I was lucky that my elementary school has shown this scary movie about cigarette and lung cancer. I remember that the film and slide show were very frightening. It even had background music like a ghost movie and the narrator sounded as if he was telling us a story about an evil monster. It imprinted on the subconsciousness my mind that "cigarette" is "evil" and "scary."
-I was lucky that no one around me put the idea that "cigarette is a cool and chic thing" into my head. I didn't have the motivation to smoke other than a bit of curiosity. And one cigarette was enough to quench my curiosity.
So I was just one lucky child who almost become a smoker. Maybe God pitied me because He knows that after I grew up I would be getting addicted to so many things anyway. No need to add cigarette in. I am a social network addict, mobile phone addict,
a tea addict, a traveling addict, etc.
I think I might have to use "Allen Carr's Easy Way" to help me although I am not a smoker.
This man really found what he was born to do and his technique is so simple and true. He had turn the suffering past of his life into a way to help other people. I really respect that.
And I'm glad that being a translator helped me find this book.
One day, when I was about 12 years old, someone gave me a cigarette and said "let's try this together!"
I was scared. Having heard so much from school about how cigarette is one of the addictive drugs that can kill you in the end, I felt like I was in front of something scary. But at the same time, curiousity exists in the mind of every child. This is one chance to try something that no adult would allow you to. So I tried it.
I lit up the cigarette and sucked a bit of the smoke into my mouth and let it out through my nose. Oh Wow! It did make me feel really good. I guess it must have been a menthol cigarette or something because I felt the smoke was cool and relaxing.
I was very lucky. I refused to take the second cigarette because I was lucky....
Here are the reasons that prevented me from taking more.
- The first cigarette tasted good and I thought "that's why people get addicted to it, I must stop now before it's too late!" I knew that I was one of those weak people who get addicted to things very easily. So I was scared and didn't take another cigarette although I was offerred. Allen Carr said that many people became smokers because their first cigarette tasted very bad and they thought they would never get addicted. In my case, the first cigarette tasted good and it scared the hell out of me.
- I didn't know how to puff the smoke into my lungs. All that I did was just getting it in my mouth and let it out my nose. So nicotine from the first cigarette didn't really get that deep into my body.
-I was lucky that my elementary school has shown this scary movie about cigarette and lung cancer. I remember that the film and slide show were very frightening. It even had background music like a ghost movie and the narrator sounded as if he was telling us a story about an evil monster. It imprinted on the subconsciousness my mind that "cigarette" is "evil" and "scary."
-I was lucky that no one around me put the idea that "cigarette is a cool and chic thing" into my head. I didn't have the motivation to smoke other than a bit of curiosity. And one cigarette was enough to quench my curiosity.
So I was just one lucky child who almost become a smoker. Maybe God pitied me because He knows that after I grew up I would be getting addicted to so many things anyway. No need to add cigarette in. I am a social network addict, mobile phone addict,
a tea addict, a traveling addict, etc.
I think I might have to use "Allen Carr's Easy Way" to help me although I am not a smoker.
This man really found what he was born to do and his technique is so simple and true. He had turn the suffering past of his life into a way to help other people. I really respect that.
And I'm glad that being a translator helped me find this book.
By God's Mercy Alone
I remember asking myself one important question, "how can one accept pain and suffering with peaceful heart?" I tried to look back to the latest severely painful time and find what helped me go through it. The answer seems to be something that I can't explain. I did not pass the lesson. It seems that I survived by prayers from other people and by the mercy of God, not anything that I did or did not do. I went to church one day and suddenly God lifted my spirit up to become hopeful and faithful again. All that I did was just saying "yes" to Him and said that I will try again.
The week leading to Christmas was wonderful for me. It seems as if there is a gentle wind of peace come blowing into my life tenderly, healing the pain and pouring in the light and joy. The last Sunday before Christmas, God gave me the most wonderful gift, "His Presence" after I received the Eucharist in the church. I closed my eyes and it was as if I saw the sky and a rainbow and a presence of someone who is total LOVE. A love so great that it can cover the whole universe, so pure that that there is nothing to fear, so precious that there is nothing more you can desire.
Then, after Christmas has passed, the evil wind started blowing right back on. Someone taught me a way to deal with suffering, "Give it up to God. When the thought that makes you suffer come to your mind, let it go, stay with the present, doing whatever thing you do, accept that you suffer and give it all up to God. Do not think about the person who make you suffer. Just accept that you are hurt." Then the situation came and I tried to use this advice. I tried to accept the pain, the sadness, try not to make it turn into anger and bitterness against the one who hurts me. I tried not to think about it and stay with the present. But after a while, negative thoughts started to come in. I kept on trying but I am not one who can control my own thoughts. It seem that they can come and go inside my head as they please. So far, meditation doesn't help. In the end, all I could do was asking God for help"please, please, don't let this feeling turn into hatred, ...please help me...I can't do it."
After a while, God healed it. And I didn't feel the anger and bitterness anymore.
So..one of the answers to the question mentioned above...the way to survive during pain and suffering with peace...is prayer.
I think God has a very good reason to send Jesus on Earth. There must be many weak people like me down here who can't just got up and be good. We need His help always.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
The week leading to Christmas was wonderful for me. It seems as if there is a gentle wind of peace come blowing into my life tenderly, healing the pain and pouring in the light and joy. The last Sunday before Christmas, God gave me the most wonderful gift, "His Presence" after I received the Eucharist in the church. I closed my eyes and it was as if I saw the sky and a rainbow and a presence of someone who is total LOVE. A love so great that it can cover the whole universe, so pure that that there is nothing to fear, so precious that there is nothing more you can desire.
Then, after Christmas has passed, the evil wind started blowing right back on. Someone taught me a way to deal with suffering, "Give it up to God. When the thought that makes you suffer come to your mind, let it go, stay with the present, doing whatever thing you do, accept that you suffer and give it all up to God. Do not think about the person who make you suffer. Just accept that you are hurt." Then the situation came and I tried to use this advice. I tried to accept the pain, the sadness, try not to make it turn into anger and bitterness against the one who hurts me. I tried not to think about it and stay with the present. But after a while, negative thoughts started to come in. I kept on trying but I am not one who can control my own thoughts. It seem that they can come and go inside my head as they please. So far, meditation doesn't help. In the end, all I could do was asking God for help"please, please, don't let this feeling turn into hatred, ...please help me...I can't do it."
After a while, God healed it. And I didn't feel the anger and bitterness anymore.
So..one of the answers to the question mentioned above...the way to survive during pain and suffering with peace...is prayer.
I think God has a very good reason to send Jesus on Earth. There must be many weak people like me down here who can't just got up and be good. We need His help always.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Looking for that light in the darkness
I have heard people say that if you really look into the dark, you will see the light in it. These people seem to be really serious about what they say. So, I just think that I will try to look a little more carefully this time, in the new blanket of darkness that has fallen on me. I used to see that light somewhere in the past, I need to try to remember how I was able to see it.
The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.
I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.
Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.
But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.
But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.
And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.
My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.
Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...
Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.
The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.
I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.
Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.
But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.
But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.
And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.
My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.
Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...
Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.
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