Jealousy is one of the things that seem to have been around me since I was a child. It is like a black fire burning inside a person. It has many levels, starting from the little prick of pain that you feel in the heart when someone you love pay too much attention on someone else, or when someone is so happy while you are so sad, then grow into the fire that burns and burns with rage inside. If one doesn't control it, it will result into the desire to hurt another person behind their back. It will become a feeling of satisfaction when we sees someone who has always get all the luck, got blow with the big bad fortune. It will turn you into a dark monster in secret. It will make you want to curse someone with some horrible spell.
Although I can't usually make jealousy go away, I usually don't get so far to that severe condition. I've always tried to control my jealousy, containing the fire to burn only myself, not others. But it's not an easy thing to do. It depends on the condition of mind and spirit, On the days that I'm strong inside, I can almost make it go away, or I'd rather say it goes away by itself. I will feel nothing when I see the person happy. I will feel happy for him or her too. If the prick of jealousy occurs, then I will just keep it inside, smile and go along with everything and everyone. It will not have much power or influence on anything. But on the days that I'm weak, like lately, it's so hard to control. It begins to result into action, some terrible thoughts, some hurtful words that make the people I love feel uncomfortable or guilty, some plans to manipulate situations, avoidance of people and circumstances, and moments that I have to cry alone in agony.
I really don't know how to make jealousy go away. It seems to be one of those things that go away by itself when you are healthy spiritually. People with healthy spirit feel happy when they see others happy. People who feel hurt or pain when seeing others happy are sick inside. When you feel that every other human is just another version of yourself, if you really feel that we are one, then there is no reason to be jealous at all. But that sort of feeling doesn't always happen. In my weak days, like yesterday, I see my mom joyfully talking with someone that I dislike, someone that hurts me when my parents are not around, I tried to tell myself over and over "it's good that they're happy, it's good that they're peaceful and on good term with each other, the world will be a more peaceful place when more people are peaceful toward one another." But the pain will not go away and the darkness doesn't leave. All I can do is just cry, put my hands on my ears, and try to stay faraway from the scene as much as possible.
On the days that my spirit was strong, I used to love and forgive this person although she didn't look at me positively. I used to be so forgiving for I know of the hard childhood she's been through. But lately it seems that I can't do that no more. Sometimes I even have the desire to get rid of her from this neighborhood. I guess it's because of now her life is better than before, she boasts it all out and look down on me, trying to show how she has become more successful. But more than anything, it is because my spirit is in such an awful condition. I don't know how much I negatively interpret her actions. Maybe it is mostly the demon inside me.
If I can't stop jealousy inside my mind, at least I will have to stop the actions. I know that the best I can do right now is to stop myself from "doing" anything to any person that I feel jealous or envy. Lately, I finally was able to "stop" myself from doing the wrong thing; keeping some information from one of my friends so that she will not come to an event. She didn't do anything wrong, absolutely nothing. It's just that the man that I love pay too much attention on her every time and praises her so often. Imagine it, your loved one praising another woman so much while criticizing you so much. Imagine that pain.
But she really didn't do anything wrong and she is a wonderful person. I will do everything to stop the demon inside me from hurting her.
Nevertheless, no matter what I do, I cannot stop the pain of jealousy from burning me. I will have to avoid some events and circumstances, I will have to cry alone in agony. These are things that I won't be able to stop anyway. Jealousy is fire. It burns. Jealousy is knife. It stabs and cuts. Someone has to get hurt. Let it be me.
Until one day, maybe the Lord has mercy and I somehow be able to climb out of this the pit of despair and depression. Maybe one day, when I'm stronger inside....maybe it will go away. Maybe I can feel, like I used to feel some time ago, that we are all one. Their happiness is also my happiness,
Wednesday, 10 February 2016
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Two Big Questions
A very nice Catholic lady who knows me from work have compassion for my depressive condition.
She shares with me some books and also asked me to consider two big questions.
Who is God to you?
What is God trying to tell you right now, through the circumstance that you're facing?
These are very big and important questions. I've been thinking about it for quite sometimes.
And...I couldn't find the answer to both.
I guess that's one of the root problems for the terrible condition that I'm in right now. I don't know who is God to me now. The picture is unclear. I don't know what He's trying to tell me through this circumstance. I really don't understand why he allows me to suffer so much.
Many, many years ago, God used to be like a very kind Father to me, someone that I can talk my heart out, I can throw my tantrum with, I can rest assure in His peace. God used to be a very strong reliable shelter for me and the source of my encouragement. I remember, one of those long-ago days, I used to lie flat out on my back and surrender it all to God and trust him completely when I was in trouble. I found so much peace and felt loved and safe and assured. God used to be so kind, He didn't punish me even sometimes that I did wrong. He was patient. He was full of Love.
God was that way to me, a long time ago.
Now? I don't know. It seems that God is a....a King. If he answer your prayer, it's good, you have to be totally grateful for it. If he doesn't help you out from sorrow, then you have to carry that sorrow because He just doesn't want to help and He's a King so you can't complain. I am afraid to talk to God frankly and honestly the way I used to, or maybe that how the Catholic church teach me. We have to be humble, be humble, be humble. But I'm one of those having a problem being humble and being honest at the same time. I can't accept severe pain and sorrow with joyful heart like all those saints. It hurts and I want to shout out to God that it hurts! Why don't you help me? I have been praying that you would release from this pain for a long time, why it's still here? Will it go on until the last day of my life?
I still believe that God is all powerful, He can do anything and He knows everything. He knows that I suffer. He hears my prayer. But I just don't understand that why He left me to suffer so much, again and again and again...like never ending. The help did come most of the time, but it usually came after I was badly bruised and lost all the hope.
On bad days, I feel like God is King and I'm a slave. He's kind to me when He wants to, and He can also be harsh to me whenever He wants to. I'm losing the picture that God is my forever friend that I can talk to without fear and I can rest assured that His help will be there. In the past, God used to let me know the reason why He didn't answer my prayer and it was all for the best. There were only a few questions or incidents that I had doubts about His action. But lately, I really don't know why He was so slow to answer my prayers, especially when it 's come to the very dark time.
But no, He hasn't abandoned me. He was there most of the time. Prayers were answered but it happened after I was tormented for like half an hour or many hours or many days. Then I prayed, please don't let it happen again. But then it happens again and again anyway.
Oh how I miss the old days! I really miss the time that I was close to Him and trust Him and He was so kind.
What He's trying to tell me through this circumstance? I don't know....maybe I have too much sin, I spend too little time for prayer? I don't obey Him enough? I don't do enough kindness to others?
Well, most likely, maybe there is a lesson to learn. But how can I learn anything when it hurts too much that I don't even want to learn any other lessons here on Earth, I just want to die.
After the last blog about my dark time, there was one more hit of darkness, one more abusive act of the same person, that push me to the bottom. It made me feel so hurt, angry, so revengeful, I've never felt so much hatred like that for someone in so many years and I was scared of the way I felt. Forgiveness was very hard although he treated me nicely later. In a few days after that, I live on normally and there was no wave of darkness hit me yet. Just not yet. But I know it will come just like it did before, again and again and again...until I put that poison into my body to end it all?
In my circumstance, I saw two choices: stay or leave, both leads to torment and death. I see no other choices for me.
Jesus was kind, though, when I finally get some softness of the heart, I prayed to Jesus on the day that they celebrate "Jesus who Heals the Blind," I made my prayer to Him to help me see more light or other choices that don't lead to so much pain and darkness. I also told him that I don't like sinning and want to do more good things for others, I don't want to be sided with the devil but he tries to make me more and more like him. I'm just too weak for it all. I need Jesus' help. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was lifted up and somehow my prayer was heard. It was as if Jesus heard my prayer and He will help. A small, very small moment of light....but at least I was glad that I could cry at that moment, crying to him from the bottom of my heart.
Right now the ocean is still. No darkness yet. But it was always like this, seem hopeful at first, and once when I really hope that things can really get better. It hit me, hit me hard and send me to the dark pit.
Dear God, if it's not over. If I have to suffer like this always for the rest of my life. I really want to die. I mean it. I don't want to learn any more lessons on Earth. Could you please be kind and take away my life?
She shares with me some books and also asked me to consider two big questions.
Who is God to you?
What is God trying to tell you right now, through the circumstance that you're facing?
These are very big and important questions. I've been thinking about it for quite sometimes.
And...I couldn't find the answer to both.
I guess that's one of the root problems for the terrible condition that I'm in right now. I don't know who is God to me now. The picture is unclear. I don't know what He's trying to tell me through this circumstance. I really don't understand why he allows me to suffer so much.
Many, many years ago, God used to be like a very kind Father to me, someone that I can talk my heart out, I can throw my tantrum with, I can rest assure in His peace. God used to be a very strong reliable shelter for me and the source of my encouragement. I remember, one of those long-ago days, I used to lie flat out on my back and surrender it all to God and trust him completely when I was in trouble. I found so much peace and felt loved and safe and assured. God used to be so kind, He didn't punish me even sometimes that I did wrong. He was patient. He was full of Love.
God was that way to me, a long time ago.
Now? I don't know. It seems that God is a....a King. If he answer your prayer, it's good, you have to be totally grateful for it. If he doesn't help you out from sorrow, then you have to carry that sorrow because He just doesn't want to help and He's a King so you can't complain. I am afraid to talk to God frankly and honestly the way I used to, or maybe that how the Catholic church teach me. We have to be humble, be humble, be humble. But I'm one of those having a problem being humble and being honest at the same time. I can't accept severe pain and sorrow with joyful heart like all those saints. It hurts and I want to shout out to God that it hurts! Why don't you help me? I have been praying that you would release from this pain for a long time, why it's still here? Will it go on until the last day of my life?
I still believe that God is all powerful, He can do anything and He knows everything. He knows that I suffer. He hears my prayer. But I just don't understand that why He left me to suffer so much, again and again and again...like never ending. The help did come most of the time, but it usually came after I was badly bruised and lost all the hope.
On bad days, I feel like God is King and I'm a slave. He's kind to me when He wants to, and He can also be harsh to me whenever He wants to. I'm losing the picture that God is my forever friend that I can talk to without fear and I can rest assured that His help will be there. In the past, God used to let me know the reason why He didn't answer my prayer and it was all for the best. There were only a few questions or incidents that I had doubts about His action. But lately, I really don't know why He was so slow to answer my prayers, especially when it 's come to the very dark time.
But no, He hasn't abandoned me. He was there most of the time. Prayers were answered but it happened after I was tormented for like half an hour or many hours or many days. Then I prayed, please don't let it happen again. But then it happens again and again anyway.
Oh how I miss the old days! I really miss the time that I was close to Him and trust Him and He was so kind.
What He's trying to tell me through this circumstance? I don't know....maybe I have too much sin, I spend too little time for prayer? I don't obey Him enough? I don't do enough kindness to others?
Well, most likely, maybe there is a lesson to learn. But how can I learn anything when it hurts too much that I don't even want to learn any other lessons here on Earth, I just want to die.
After the last blog about my dark time, there was one more hit of darkness, one more abusive act of the same person, that push me to the bottom. It made me feel so hurt, angry, so revengeful, I've never felt so much hatred like that for someone in so many years and I was scared of the way I felt. Forgiveness was very hard although he treated me nicely later. In a few days after that, I live on normally and there was no wave of darkness hit me yet. Just not yet. But I know it will come just like it did before, again and again and again...until I put that poison into my body to end it all?
In my circumstance, I saw two choices: stay or leave, both leads to torment and death. I see no other choices for me.
Jesus was kind, though, when I finally get some softness of the heart, I prayed to Jesus on the day that they celebrate "Jesus who Heals the Blind," I made my prayer to Him to help me see more light or other choices that don't lead to so much pain and darkness. I also told him that I don't like sinning and want to do more good things for others, I don't want to be sided with the devil but he tries to make me more and more like him. I'm just too weak for it all. I need Jesus' help. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was lifted up and somehow my prayer was heard. It was as if Jesus heard my prayer and He will help. A small, very small moment of light....but at least I was glad that I could cry at that moment, crying to him from the bottom of my heart.
Right now the ocean is still. No darkness yet. But it was always like this, seem hopeful at first, and once when I really hope that things can really get better. It hit me, hit me hard and send me to the dark pit.
Dear God, if it's not over. If I have to suffer like this always for the rest of my life. I really want to die. I mean it. I don't want to learn any more lessons on Earth. Could you please be kind and take away my life?
A Powerful Prayer to Free Us from the Dark Force
I should have shared this prayer a long time ago, but kept on postponing it. I used to recite this prayer and it helped me many times when I felt that my body and spirit were being oppressed by demonic force. Unfortunately, when I was hardest attacked I totally forgot about it and didn't use it.
Anyway, I heard that this prayer is very old one and have helped so many people freeing themselves and their loved ones.
Just like all recital prayers, I believe it works if we pray with the heart while reciting it. We must mean every word that we say.
Note: After I type the above paragraphs, I frantically looked for the little card containing the prayer and I couldn't find it. Thanks to God that another person has placed it on the internet and I was able to find it. Let me be another voice to share this "Deliverance Prayer for Lay People."
Here is the prayer:
(you can put name(s) of any person you wish to pray for in place of the word "me" )
Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that on the cross you
took on yourself every curse that ever come upon
me.
So I humbly beg you now to release me from every
curse over my life. In your name, Lord Jesus Christ,
and through the powerful intercession of the seven
sorrows of Mother Mary.
I now receive my (his/her) release and I thank you
for it.
In the name of Lord Jesus Christ, I bind now all
hexes affecting me. I now cast them at the feet of
Jesus Christ and Mother Mary.
I now break the ties that bind me to satan
and renew the covenant that binds me to Jesus and
Mary, relying in your promise that whoever
remains faithful to the covenant, you promise to be
their God and they will be your people. AMEN
There are many versions of the deliverance prayer out there. If you prayer with faith from your heart, I believe they are all powerful. Just be careful of some very strong deliverance prayer that affects a lot of devil power, it make them quite angry and they will try to strike back hard on the next occasion. Someone gave me one of the long powerful prayers to command all devil forces to go back to where they are from and to lose their power in the name of Jesus. I still have to be careful about using it. I guess the devil really hates it. I still have to experiment more how to use it well, or how to handle the strike-back. I think that kind of prayer is for the priests or someone with very strong faith and have much experienced with spiritual warfare.
But this prayer I placed here is safe and very good. I don't find problems after reciting it at all.
It can free you from demonic oppression and curses.
Anyway, I heard that this prayer is very old one and have helped so many people freeing themselves and their loved ones.
Just like all recital prayers, I believe it works if we pray with the heart while reciting it. We must mean every word that we say.
Note: After I type the above paragraphs, I frantically looked for the little card containing the prayer and I couldn't find it. Thanks to God that another person has placed it on the internet and I was able to find it. Let me be another voice to share this "Deliverance Prayer for Lay People."
Here is the prayer:
(you can put name(s) of any person you wish to pray for in place of the word "me" )
Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that on the cross you
took on yourself every curse that ever come upon
me.
So I humbly beg you now to release me from every
curse over my life. In your name, Lord Jesus Christ,
and through the powerful intercession of the seven
sorrows of Mother Mary.
I now receive my (his/her) release and I thank you
for it.
In the name of Lord Jesus Christ, I bind now all
hexes affecting me. I now cast them at the feet of
Jesus Christ and Mother Mary.
I now break the ties that bind me to satan
and renew the covenant that binds me to Jesus and
Mary, relying in your promise that whoever
remains faithful to the covenant, you promise to be
their God and they will be your people. AMEN
There are many versions of the deliverance prayer out there. If you prayer with faith from your heart, I believe they are all powerful. Just be careful of some very strong deliverance prayer that affects a lot of devil power, it make them quite angry and they will try to strike back hard on the next occasion. Someone gave me one of the long powerful prayers to command all devil forces to go back to where they are from and to lose their power in the name of Jesus. I still have to be careful about using it. I guess the devil really hates it. I still have to experiment more how to use it well, or how to handle the strike-back. I think that kind of prayer is for the priests or someone with very strong faith and have much experienced with spiritual warfare.
But this prayer I placed here is safe and very good. I don't find problems after reciting it at all.
It can free you from demonic oppression and curses.
Tuesday, 2 February 2016
Another Shot of Morphine
About 30-40 minutes after my prayer, God gave me the break and the emotional morphine as usual. Just like before, it had to come to the very, very end of my nerve, when I was about to break down, and the prayer would be answered. Yes, I was thankful for another shot of emotional morphine. I know I'm not healed and these torturing moments will return. And that emotional morphine is there just to keep me alive. The real disease are still all lying deep inside and the demons will come to torture me again. Just like before. Just like it has been these years.
But first of all, I still have to say thank you. At least, the prayer was answered and that means God still hears me and still listens to prayers. At least I don't totally lose my faith. My heart cannot feel love for the Lord deeply at this moment, but I'm still thankful.
And actually, God answered with a little bit of surprise. At my extreme moment of agony, I was praying "Let him feel my pain. Let him feel my pain. Let him feel my pain." And it seemed that God did answer that. He felt quite a lot of pain tonight from a mistake that he made today. He didn't yell at me like before while I was having panic attack. And when I heard about it, how evil I am, I felt somehow satisfied and thanked the Lord for justice.
The thought is evil, I know. I have a lot of negative energy inside of me now. One should not feel satisfied at the pain of another, but I did tonight. I know I'm wrong for feeling that way. I hope that my heart will be softer tomorrow.
What I should be thinking....I should thank him for sharing with me the pain...because it helped me not to feel all alone in my pain. Maybe I should think that he is truly a prophet of the Lord, because tonight maybe God tell him not to intensify my pain, But he is also just another human being. And I can't have a lot of hope that things between us will be much better. Because all these dragging years of repeated painful and abusive moments, all of these efforts of trying to change things for the better, seemed somehow go to vain at the end. I don't have a lot of hope for the future, I can only be thankful for tonight.
And also want to say thank you for anyone who pray for me tonight, if there are any....
Something about Panic Attack
In my whole life, I've experienced just depression. But in this year, I've got both depression and panic attack (and Schizophrenia is coming up). And it is occurring right now at this moment. I can hardly breathe and there is this ball of pain on my chest.
It is a strange feeling. It's like you're crying so hard that you can't breathe. It gets harder to think that the person who knows that when he does that thing, I'll get this panic attack, keeps on doing it again and again. I don't recall how many times I got this. And part of the reason for my suicide is that it will keep occurring to me for the rest of my life. It's so tiring and very, very draining physically and emotionally. I keep typing on this block just to keep my thought and fingers on something, otherwise it will get worse. And I think soon I'll put myself on some Youtube or some media just to get lost into something that helps me forget my reality right now.
It gets even harder when I looked back on the past and asked that he would help soothe my pain by doing a little something for me, stop doing what put me into panic attack. But what I got was the worse than I expected, when I showed him that I got panic attack and asked for some consolation, he shouted at me "go back and get yourself together and don't talk to me until you can be normal!!! Go away!!" And this is a person who calls himself a prophet of the Lord.
I don't know why I get myself abused. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what vicious drug keep me here and I can't go anywhere. I don't know why I can't free myself from this bondage.
And I don't know why God allows it....I heard that He is full of mercy. Or maybe I already expecting too much after all He has done.
I'll pray. I don't have much faith now, but I'll pray. I don't know if He will answer, because sometimes He does and sometimes, He doesn't.
It is a strange feeling. It's like you're crying so hard that you can't breathe. It gets harder to think that the person who knows that when he does that thing, I'll get this panic attack, keeps on doing it again and again. I don't recall how many times I got this. And part of the reason for my suicide is that it will keep occurring to me for the rest of my life. It's so tiring and very, very draining physically and emotionally. I keep typing on this block just to keep my thought and fingers on something, otherwise it will get worse. And I think soon I'll put myself on some Youtube or some media just to get lost into something that helps me forget my reality right now.
It gets even harder when I looked back on the past and asked that he would help soothe my pain by doing a little something for me, stop doing what put me into panic attack. But what I got was the worse than I expected, when I showed him that I got panic attack and asked for some consolation, he shouted at me "go back and get yourself together and don't talk to me until you can be normal!!! Go away!!" And this is a person who calls himself a prophet of the Lord.
I don't know why I get myself abused. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what vicious drug keep me here and I can't go anywhere. I don't know why I can't free myself from this bondage.
And I don't know why God allows it....I heard that He is full of mercy. Or maybe I already expecting too much after all He has done.
I'll pray. I don't have much faith now, but I'll pray. I don't know if He will answer, because sometimes He does and sometimes, He doesn't.
Some scenes from "Melancholia" the movie
Watching this movie makes me feel less alone in my pain. As if someone does understand and share that pain. I went to a birthday lunch in a restaurant. And I felt just like this depressed girl in the beginning of the movie who goes through her wedding bouquet trying to give that happy smile to everyone, while down deep inside she feels none. There is this invisible film that blocks her from the rest of the world and trying to be normal takes so much, so much effort that it practically drains out her energy. I understand how that feels exactly. She likes to sleep here and there and don't want to get up to even take a shower, just like me. She wants the world to come to an end very soon. There is a kind of suffering that she goes through everyday and no one can share or understand. But when I watched the film, I felt like...oh at least the person who makes this film know what it feels like. Got to give a thank to Lars Von Trier.
Peace After the Death Plan
I read somewhere that after a depressed person have got their suicide planned all done, they will feel more peaceful inside and looked more relaxed. I am now experiencing the feeling myself.
Somehow it is so nice to have the plan all arranged. Bit by bit, step by step, it actually feels like you are slowly making something successful. Like a prisoner planning an escape from a prison day by day. Like, if this planet has given me more Hell than I can take, then I have this tools to free myself from here and go ahead to some Hell in other dimension.
At least, it 's a traveling, a journey, to some new place, which I love.
At least, there are plenty of human souls over there, lots of friends in agony. I'm here on Earth, I am sad alone while surrounded with some people who are in so much happiness, who got what I never got in my life, who never understand how I feel. I better go to some dark places where there are people who have the same kind of pain. I rather be there than to be here listening everyday to some people in my house and around my house showing off their happiness in life to me.
And even my boyfriend, who seemed to understand at first, when I said please don't say more negative things to me, I need something positive. So he, out of good will I suppose, start to say all the positive things about himself and his life, and not a word about anything that is good in me or my life. Maybe he sees none.
I'm so alone here. So alone. And when I turned to start making suicide plan, I found some peace. This is strange but true.
I'll make it two round. The trial attempt and the real attempt.
The first one is a combination of three sleeping pills in lethal dose and Ethrane and plastic bag. I already got some of the pills. I know where to buy Ehtrane and at which price. Plastic bag is plenty to find. The only thing haven't got specified is the place and time.
The second round just the Ethrane and cyanide, this one is for certain. I'll go in a few seconds for sure. I know where to find the chemical at a cheap price.
I want to say thank you to all the effort of my family and friends and the man that I love (who is the practically the main reason that my life is in extreme suffering now) for all their effort to try to make me better, but none of the effort help. I'm growing more and more sick in the mind from one disorder to another. And it's all meaningless. I can't find the suppose "good" reason that God has for my life in going through this. I can't see why he allows it. And I don't want it. I'm not willing to go through this suffering but he just let it happen. Once in a while, he gave me some morphine shots to make me survive the pain just to through another episode of darkness. I'm not one of those saints who love to suffer for the sake of God. I'm at my bitter end.
Well, I'll have the plans. I'll have it for one of those days when God allows the pain to come to the extreme. If he allows, while I'm already begging for release, then there is nothing I can't do and life is already Hellish so I'll go to share Purgatory or Hell with some souls, millions of them.
Can't believe I'm talking like the devil these days.
But anyway, it's just a plan...just some spare plan...some just-in-case plan, the very very last plans that I will resort to when there is no other ways. And the point of writing here is to say that having a suicide plan can make a depressed person feel more at peace. That's an experience I want to share.
But if I really have to do it for real, I hope that my family and friends will forget my death one day and don't blame themselves. I'm just....one of those. Those who tied the rope around their neck, those who jumped down from the building. Those who feel too much pain while they are too weak inside. Those who want to leave planet Earth.
Somehow it is so nice to have the plan all arranged. Bit by bit, step by step, it actually feels like you are slowly making something successful. Like a prisoner planning an escape from a prison day by day. Like, if this planet has given me more Hell than I can take, then I have this tools to free myself from here and go ahead to some Hell in other dimension.
At least, it 's a traveling, a journey, to some new place, which I love.
At least, there are plenty of human souls over there, lots of friends in agony. I'm here on Earth, I am sad alone while surrounded with some people who are in so much happiness, who got what I never got in my life, who never understand how I feel. I better go to some dark places where there are people who have the same kind of pain. I rather be there than to be here listening everyday to some people in my house and around my house showing off their happiness in life to me.
And even my boyfriend, who seemed to understand at first, when I said please don't say more negative things to me, I need something positive. So he, out of good will I suppose, start to say all the positive things about himself and his life, and not a word about anything that is good in me or my life. Maybe he sees none.
I'm so alone here. So alone. And when I turned to start making suicide plan, I found some peace. This is strange but true.
I'll make it two round. The trial attempt and the real attempt.
The first one is a combination of three sleeping pills in lethal dose and Ethrane and plastic bag. I already got some of the pills. I know where to buy Ehtrane and at which price. Plastic bag is plenty to find. The only thing haven't got specified is the place and time.
The second round just the Ethrane and cyanide, this one is for certain. I'll go in a few seconds for sure. I know where to find the chemical at a cheap price.
I want to say thank you to all the effort of my family and friends and the man that I love (who is the practically the main reason that my life is in extreme suffering now) for all their effort to try to make me better, but none of the effort help. I'm growing more and more sick in the mind from one disorder to another. And it's all meaningless. I can't find the suppose "good" reason that God has for my life in going through this. I can't see why he allows it. And I don't want it. I'm not willing to go through this suffering but he just let it happen. Once in a while, he gave me some morphine shots to make me survive the pain just to through another episode of darkness. I'm not one of those saints who love to suffer for the sake of God. I'm at my bitter end.
Well, I'll have the plans. I'll have it for one of those days when God allows the pain to come to the extreme. If he allows, while I'm already begging for release, then there is nothing I can't do and life is already Hellish so I'll go to share Purgatory or Hell with some souls, millions of them.
Can't believe I'm talking like the devil these days.
But anyway, it's just a plan...just some spare plan...some just-in-case plan, the very very last plans that I will resort to when there is no other ways. And the point of writing here is to say that having a suicide plan can make a depressed person feel more at peace. That's an experience I want to share.
But if I really have to do it for real, I hope that my family and friends will forget my death one day and don't blame themselves. I'm just....one of those. Those who tied the rope around their neck, those who jumped down from the building. Those who feel too much pain while they are too weak inside. Those who want to leave planet Earth.
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