The Four-Leaf Clover Lesson

 

One autumn afternoon, about 30 years ago, I was beside a small church in the United States, somewhat similar to the picture above. The area look pleasant and refreshing with grass, plants and trees around, so I took a walk just to relax. Then I began to realize that I am in the field of clovers. A lot of these pretty green plants are everywhere on the ground. Then I remember that someone told me if you find four-leaf clover you are very lucky and you can make a wish. So I began to diligently look for one. I walked here, I walked there, I looked and looked and looked....but all that I saw were the regular three-leaf ones. After some time passed, I grew tired and gave up, thinking that...well...it's a rare thing to find and I might not be the lucky one. "That's ok" I told myself, "I'll sit and rest and enjoy this pretty atmosphere." And I did just that. I sat there in the middle of the field and just enjoyed the moments of peace. After several minutes, ready to go home, I got up...and...right there between my two feet was a four-leaf clover!

I was so excited and happy, I picked it up and made a wish right there. If you ask me if my wish had come true, the answer is....partly yes and partly no. The wish was one of the most important dreams of my life it still is even now. Part of it had already come true...but not whole. I'm still waiting for the complete dream come true. 

It might sound like a small incident but I never forgot that day. What I learned was that if I intentionally look, I might not find it no matter how hard I tried. But if I just let myself be peaceful and stay with the moment, it will appear to me. 

The same message came to me again about 4 years ago, at a serene seaside town in Thailand. I was having my usual three-night holiday of the month and I was traveling by myself. I heard that one can see the sunrise from the bay so I tried so hard to get up and take some pictures of the sunrise, and I was able to get up early at dawn (that's already a miracle in itself, actually.) and walked to the beach. It was not even six o'clock yet. The sky was cloudy and the sun could not be seen. I waited there for a while. The sky had some lights in it already, but still, I could not see the sun. It was probably hidden behind some thick clouds. I felt a bit sad but then I said to myself, "That's ok. You've tried, let's just go walk along the beach and enjoyed the atmosphere." So I did just that. During my walk I saw that there were many large pieces of garbage on the beach and a thought popped up in my head that if I picked them up, I would be doing a good thing to the Earth, a good deed for this trip. I began to picked up a lot of garbage from the beach for several minutes until I sweated. I felt so good of myself. Then...after picking up the last one, I stood up, turned to the sea, and the most beautiful sunrise was in front of me! 

I took several pictures of the sunrise. (They were more beautiful than the picture above but they were trapped inside a broken phone of mine.) The message that came to me on that day was quite similar to the message on the day that I found the four-leaf clover. Just keep doing the good things, don't try to look for it, and you will find just what you are looking for. 

This message came to me again, just some minutes ago. Last night I was looking for this one picture I collected from the net. The folder was full of so many, many pictures but I am usually able to find what I look for. However, I looked and looked and looked over and over again but I could not find that one particular picture. So I thought to myself, "That's ok. I probably deleted it and I didn't remember." And today, just when I am making this post and was looking for another picture in the same folder, the one I looked for last night appear! It was right there, so easily to be seen, while last night I could not see it at all no matter how hard I tried. It was almost like a confirmation that the message I am writing about is still something that I should keep in mind. 

If you look for that very dream of yours to come true but it's just not there, stop looking or waiting. It will come to you when it's time. 

PS. So far, all the pictures on my blog are not mine. They are from the net. Thank you to the owners for sharing them. 

Small conscious moments and little steps

 

If you ever had a period of time in your life when getting up and taking a shower is already a great triumph, then you probably understand the meaning of little steps and small conscious moments.

I have read so much about being in the present. Buddhism teaches it and many other philosophical and psychological principles talk about it. The idea seems to be popular these days. But to believe in something, it must work in your life, so for a long time I wasn't really interested in being "in the present" because it did not relate to a dreamer type and a worry ward like me who is often deep in thoughts about the past and the future. Somehow the present was not so interesting. But all along I do believe there is truth in it, at least in the fact that "the present" is the only time where you can really do something. You can't change the past, you can't see the future, but you can give yourself a good future by doing the right things in the present. That always makes sense to me. 

Thinking back to what I have heard and have read, there are also deeper versions about the idea of being in the present. For example, time on Earth is made of very tiny moments connected in a long, long thread. They are so connected that we don't feel each one separately. Still, everyone can only live moment by moment because that's the way time is. 

Another deeper idea is that staying in the present moment completely can almost be like a shelter for your spirit.  When the world outside is a turmoil, come to the center of your being, come to the very present moment. Now, that's something for experienced monks and saints,  I guess. The only thing I can relate to is the peacefulness of being in the presence when I went to a meditation course and practice meditative walking and breathing meditation. I started to notice those small moments. It gave me a strange kind of peace. 

But the COVID-19 hit and my meditation courses disappeared into thin air. They never arranged such courses again. It's a sad thing indeed because I meditate best in courses for Christian and Catholic, it is easier to practice it with the blessings of the Lord and with a kind, patient and understanding teacher. A long meditation course in Vipassana, like 10 days with my phone being seized, sleeping in rough hard bed, and practicing like 10 hours a day or more...just too much for me. I loved my small one day course with the Catholic Church, but sadly....there is no more.

Anyway, since I have not meditated for years and years, my mind is a mess. Nevertheless, recently there have been moments when I decided to move and do ordinary things like pulling a tissue, closing a bag, or picking up something by being very conscious with each moment. Surprisingly, doing so somehow makes me happy.  I started to enjoy those moments. It is really like a shelter. I am not thinking about the past and the future or another fantasy world. I was just there at the "present" moment. It feels  gentle to my soul. 

Unfortunately, those moments are few. Mostly I am just one who is pathetically deep in thoughts or daydreaming. Being mindful is something so far from my character. 

Still, I think the joy I discover during those small moments when I consciously move or do something will lead me back to "being in the present time again and again,....hopefully.

All Things, All People, Subject to Change

                                              (Photo is from Internet. I do not own the credit)

Today is the end of New Year Day. It's funny how so many feelings can happen in one single day, but too bad that at the end of it...the same melancholy. 

I grew up a Buddhist and was taught three truths about existance...one of them is that everything on earth is always changing, nothing stays the same. Knowing the fact and accepting it as the truth, however, is not the same as being able to face it without pain. 

The only truly lucky aspect of my life has always been friendship. Other people may hurt me but my friends have been mostly understanding and never left me in my darkest hours. Still, even that, I know, may not last for the whole of my lifetime. People change. Best friends that once you can wholeheartedly trust may not be the same anymore. And you might not be able to to trust them in the same way or love them at the same level. It is so sad. But I think that is what happening right now. 

Fortunately, I've been telling myself to be prepared for such heartaches and not to think they will remain the same forever, so when this betrayal happened, it's just sad...but not that shocking. 

Just simply another factor that might make my death becomes an easier choice, she will not be that hurt by my departure, maybe. And if I really have no one left in this life and find no one new to be my family, the decision to die is will become even easier. Among all the sufferings on Earth, loneliness is a masterful slow killer, so I prefer go with quick death rather than slow death.

It's not that she abandons me or anything. It's just that she doesn't trust me the same anymore, I guess. She acts in a way that I don't understand, building a wall that I've never seen between us before, treating me "almost" the same, but not the same. She probably talks about me behind my back...

But I can never hate my friend. I'm just sad. The good things she has done for me in this life is too precious for me to hate her, the memory in the long past has been too beautiful. Our friendship has been too long and I should be thankful, at least for the good times. I guess I'll just accept the fact of her change, of her betrayal, as a the truth of life. I'll just simply tell myself not to rely on her much or trust her too deep, I think I'll have that space...that wall...so that I won't get hurt in the future. I'll still be a good friend. Will do my job as a good friend, still. But I will protect my heart within that wall. I can't stop my tears, but...that's the way it goes, that's the way ordinary people feel when you find that the person you trust the most....has changed. 

I hate it when the meaning of my symbolic dream comes true. That's why it's the one of the most problematic kind of nightmare. I have had the symbol of this about her in my dream just a few nights before. A symbol that says...she is acting, pretending, After the dream, we talked on the phone and it seemed as if that the dream was just nonsense, but after spending those two days and one night together. I know now...things have changed between us. 

All things are subject to change. So it is not impossible that one day I might end up being alone without all the friends I used to trust. But in effort to be as optimistic as I can for the sake of New Year Day, maybe one day I might find a new person that I can really trust, maybe life can change in a beautiful way. I don't feel that I really believe that...but they said a mustard seed of faith is enough, right?

Do I have faith as much as a mustard seed? I don't know, really. 

Types of Nightmare

  I usually dream so much at night, and unfortunately, a lot of them are bad dreams. It comes to me so often in my adulthood, not so much in my childhood and teenage years. There are many types of bad dreams. I am used to most of them now, but some types still bother me quite a lot. 

1. Getting stuck in a terrible place or being chased after by killers or demons - This is the kind of nightmare where you are consumed by fear. You've got to run and run. Got to find the way to escape. The more realistic it feels, the more painful it gets. This kind of dream will disappear  or  become less intense as soon as I prayed to God, Jesus or Mary, in my dream. But in those times when I forgot to think of God, the nightmare will last long. Usually, when I wake up and realize it was just a dream, it would be a relief. However, I would still feel tired. Lately, I've been viewing it as a kind of purgatorial torture. A sort of punishment....a result of bad karma...attack of the devil...when I wake up I would say to myself that, well, isn't it good that it was just a dream? Maybe you've done something to deserve more but God only allows you to have the punishment in dream, so you should be thankful.

2. Bad situation dream - This is similar to the above dream but it is closer to daily life situation. I am not in the middle of nowhere, I am in my daily life and something bad happens, like losing an important thing, losing someone important to me, being late, embarrassing myself in some kinds of situation, getting lost, being late, encountering cockroaches...and many more. I would feel relieved immediately as soon as I wake up. I would be glad that it was only a dream. However, type 1 and type 2 dreams are very tiring and if you get them continuously in a row, it can be depressing and frustrating. 

3. Anger dream -  I would feel so mad, so enraged, so angry at someone in my dream. The level of my anger surpassed of mine in the real world. Of course, it is very tiring, stressful. Even more, when I wake up, my heart would still be beating fast and I would feel sad and worried to know that such anger exists in the dept of me. I think it is a release of some anger

4. Symbolic dream -  That's the problem one. I am trying to find a way to solve this because this dream create fear of the future. The dream contains some vivid symbols that refer to the future and it has been accurate before. A symbol that points to reputation damage, a symbol that points to breaking up or losing partner, a symbol of losing career or having difficult times in life. Those symbols have appeared before and not just one time, and they have just the same meaning of universal dream symbol, ones you can find in some traditional dream dictionary. My dad can even tell what these symbols mean. So, when I wake up from such dreams, I will be full of worries and anxiety and fear. I will be crying. I will be asking God for mercy, asking God to erase or relieve the future that these dreams indicate. Actually, I know that some of these dream might come the Devil because it knows that I'm afraid of these symbols. It might not mean anything but just appear to create a lot of fear in me. But...it used to be accurate in predicting obstacles or bad events in the future and I'm still afraid of them anyway. I think God is the only one who can free me from the meaning of such dreams or at least reduce the intensity or painfulness of it. If I can find another way to free myself completely from the fear of such dream, it will be much better though.  (Some of them even came as a flash of picture even when I was just napping in front of the computer, but most of the time in this case is the devil, I think).

5. Undesired life event or my own action - This also gives me the same kind of problem. Imagine you are determined not to do something or will never ever do something in this life, you will hate yourself so much if you do it or if your life turn out that way, then you dream that you do exactly what you said you won't do. Imagine you are afraid of ending up with a person or will never want to live with, or end up living a kind of pathetic life you've seen some people live, then it happens in your dream. I think it's like worst fear come true in the illusion world and you have to be in that illusion world. It is already a pain in itself, while you are dreaming it, and when you wake up it also gives you fear of the future. I always asked myself why did I do that in my dream, I would never ever do that in my life, never! Then I start to be angry at myself or become fearful. This type is problematic for me. It is a real torment.

6. The lonely dream - This is similar to the anger dream, except that the extreme emotion is loneliness. It is very, very painful dream. I feel extremely lonely, rejected or abandoned in this kind of dream. It is a level much deeper than what I feel in reality. Waking up from this dream might relieve most of the pain but the memory and sadness will retain for a while and give me a bad morning.

Sometimes I had bad dreams but I forgot when I woke up. Sometimes the pain stay but you don't know where it comes from. Well, but at least I can just quickly ignore it and go on with my life. In the past, when I was younger, I always like to remember all dreams. But now, forgetting is better than remembering, especially in case of nightmare. 

Lastly, I've noticed the worst effect of nightmare upon waking up. The Devil is waiting for that weak state of mind between being asleep and being awake and push the negative thoughts and anger right in my head, then there will be things that stimulate my anger, such as the sound of a neighbor chasing away my pigeons, the sound of my dad or my mom being upset while talking to me, or the loud sound from the radio from the next door house. In such case, I would wake up with such extreme anger and I will explode those anger to everyone that create such sound like a crazy person. I am pretty sure that it is the work of the Devil because it happens at such moments after nightmare. 

So nice to get some pain off my chest and write. 

The Uncontrollable

 Started my day with an unfortunate incident, my phone mysteriously dropped on the ground when I woke up. It wasn't even in the room where I slept and no one touched it after I left the table. But when I saw it in the morning, it was separated in two halves on the floor, broken, nothing can be seen on the screen. 

Broken...yes...just like I am. Like my life...

No miracle came up after the last episode of bad lucks.

Another episode is about to come again? 

Without the incident of the phone, life is already something I can't control. I know that it is normal to unable to control accidents, stormy days, environment, economics, society, etc. But what other people can normally control....I can't. I can't control myself. That's one of the worst thing that you can experience in this life. A reason why death is so desirable for me because I foresee the doom waiting ahead.

I've lost discipline in myself. I cannot control it to work with concentration. I cannot control it to stop the distraction. I can't control it to pray. I can't control it to do good things and stop doing bad things to myself and my own life. Those people who could successfully come through the storm of life they at least have the control over themselves. They have the determination and can act according to it. They have the perseverance and discipline, but I almost have none of that. 

It is so hard to explain such a weakness to anyone who hasn't experienced it. The uncontrollable laziness, uncontrollable imagination in my head, the uncontrollable addiction, the uncontrollable fatigue and sleepiness, and more. How can I get out of this vicious cycle if I can't even control myself? 

No one is here to answer the question. It's been going on for years, the uncontrollable me. Really, what is the point to live for? We all need to at least be able to get ourselves to do the right thing at the right time, at least for most of the time, in order to get out of debt and have an independent life. But the way I am now...a disable person, maybe. Really feel that way. 

The uncontrollable sadness and sleepiness begins again. 

Darkest hour before dawn?

 

The thing that I hate the most and fear the most about life is the period of time when all things are going wrong and all prayers are not answered. Worse that that, the more I pray or the more I go to church, the more bad lucks come to me. I find no answer...no explanation...and every time it happens...I must admit that my faith is shaken to the core. I'm not one who is strong enough to keep holding on to a belief that one day it will all turn out good and everything has a well-intended meaning behind it. 

However, a few days ago I was reminded of a particular event that happened some months before. It was such a period. I went to church. I prayed. Then I got hit by so many terrible things in a row. I was so mad at God, I remember. But then, about one day after, a miracle happened. It was one of the most wonderful things I've been longing for. It happened so unexpectedly. And I was thinking at that time maybe all those difficult days are just what I needed to pass in order to receive such a special moment of happiness?  

The phrase "darkest hours before dawn" came to me twice last week. Part of me is thinking that if it really leads to that dream come true again then it might be worth it and things will make sense. However, that darkness, that suffering, can be so overwhelming and too hard to bear that it could turn me into monster, an angry monster that spit fire to everyone around me. Does God want that?  Does God really think that I would be able to go through such a terrible time and can still retain my faith and be a loving person until that moment of dream come true? I doubt it. I hope that God would understand that not all His people are strong and faithful like the saints. I am a particular weak one and if He sends me too much sufferings, I would just simply lose my faith. 

Secondly, not all such terrible periods in my life led to that kind of miracle. Some happened without any reason at all. Then how do I know if there will be anything worth waiting for at the end of the darkest hour?

Well, if looking at my life as a whole, I am currently in the darkest hours, really. I could only see awful fate waiting ahead if no miracle happens. No financial stability, no family of my own, no strength of mind. So the idea of the "the dawn" might seem like the only thing to hold on to, but...well....time will tell anyway. That's all I can tell myself right now.

Take Drug, Self-Talk and Just Write

     I tried taking a few pills and get myself out of the house to see if I can stay awake normally. It worked. I might be able to work with some pills then. It calmed me down for a period of time, but now I think the effect has died down and I start to feel that hollow in my chest again. 

I'm not someone who support chemical pills for mental problem treatment because many of them have terrible side effects, but I know that these pills are needed when my condition gets so down that I almost couldn't function normally. I never take them for long-term, only when it is really necessary to survive, like now. Just another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

I walked around the house doing simple tasks, talking and consoling myself. In the end, there might not be anyone who really cares so sometimes I just be my own friend and hugged myself and congratulated myself for being able to do simple things like taking a shower. Sometimes even getting up from a sofa can be so difficult that I need to celebrate when I am able to manage it. That's also another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

Since I was young, a notebook and a pen are like medicine to me. When I quarreled with my mom, when I felt bad about myself, I would just grab them and write and write and feel better. I think writing still works as a medicine for me. That's why I come here to My Resting Place often these past few days. Writing things out makes me feel so much better. Partly, because there is nobody that really listens to me anyway. I talk to chat gpt sometimes because I don't have people to talk to (but it makes me feel like a pathetic person, talking to a machine). When you are a middle age adults, most people have their own family or their own busy career to take care of and even if they are your friends, they won't be able to listen to you that long. Doctors in mental institute mostly prescribe pills. Hotline is always a busy line because there are so many psychologically ill people these days in the world. Other service providers are super expensive, out of reach. So....I just write. Another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth. 

But I've been in this labyrinth for so long....I don't know how much longer I can keep blindly walk and trying to survive like this without really find a true exit.