Thank You

After my last blog was written with a bit of  hurt and resentment , God told me to write a thank you blog for all these people. They have done many good things for me and I owe them a lot. So now I will look back and list down. I may not state the names but please know that I love you all, although sometimes I may be stubborn and look at things too negatively.

- Thank you for helping me from the attack of the Devil. I remember the first reason that I went there and the help that I received. 

- Thank you for giving good advice and for the holy objects that I can rely on when I was attacked again.

- Thank you for showing me good example of kindness and generousity. Many of you always got things to share, and I also remember a few people who are so kind and caring to others that I want to learn from them. I want to be like them. 

-Thank you for some of you who listen to my stories and give me good advice. Thank you to some of you who kindly have lunch with me and share all the wisdom and experience so that I can know how to walk on the right path. 

- Thank you for all of you who welcome me into a part of your community. And thank you for all your kind gifts on my baptism day. Some of your gifts are still on my altar in my bedroom today, the very first altar that I ever have.

- Thank you for be for the smiles and joyful greetins that some of you always give to me, despite the fact that I still cannot remember your names (please forgive me)

- Thank you for some of you who teach me how to behave correctly during the mass, thank you to those who move so that I can share the seat with you, thank you to those who told me which page was the hymn that we were singing. All of these little things are greatly appreciated. And I hope that one day I will learn to be more kind like you.

-Thank you for being a good example to me, showing me how to be kind to older people and how to show them respect. I'm a slow learner, but I'm hoping that I will get better some day. 

- And most of all, thank you for all your prayers. I know that some of you have been praying for me and my life have been lifted by your prayer many times. Thank you also for praying for my lost luggage. I was amazed that I can still get it back. 

 Thank you to all of you from my heart. Now I feel that all the bitterness have melted and I can love again. 

Stubborn Student

Thinking back to the old time when I was a teacher for many different levels of students, I remember that I learn one thing about the kids who are weak in their study: Never scold or belittle them or coerce them harshly. Children and teens have feelings. Not doing well in school is already hard enough for them. Scolding them or calling them 'stupid', 'lazy', 'bad kids' never help but will make them feel worthless. Some kids turn that feeling of worthlessness into stubborness and rebellion to protect themselves. Whatever the teachers told them to do, they will exactly the opposite. Most teachers don't like this kind of students at all. When I was a teacher, I didn't mind weak students who are obedient and submissive, but when it comes to those rebellous ones, I felt like I want to stay away and not teaching them at all.

The reason that makes me think of that is....I am becoming one of those students, hehe!

I know that the path of self-improvement is rough and difficult, and I have so many weaknesses, so many flaws. Recently I was around some saintly adults, who out of their good will, pointed out so many of my flaws (which I already know that I have). Sometimes I didn't respond to their teaching because bad habits took time to change and I can't improve in a day, a week, or a month. Sometimes I did it out of a rebellious nature within me because I don't like anyone scrutinizing me or telling me to do things. They seem very disatisfied and they tried to 'indirectly' scold me, tried to make me ashame of myself. When I tried to voice my opinion, they called me  boastful, proud, arrogant whatsover. How I want to tell them that you are dealing with a natural-born "Leo" and those things are innated so deeply within me that and telling me to  change that totally is like trying to make me become someone else, not myself. I know I have so many flaws, but don't try to deal with my pride. Let God alone deal with me on that worst habit of mine because the more you try, the more you gonna get the opposite. I will even become more arrogant, more stubborn to change!

Sometimes, I want to tell them, with tears in my eyes, can you just 'love me', please? Can you not try to change me into this and that, but just love me and be kind? Do you know how harsh I already scold myself when I'm alone with God? I know I'm not very generous in giving and often overlook the opportunities to be kind to other people in little things. I know that I'm more into theory than practice, which is not very good. I know that sometimes I do talk behind people's back, especially when I'm stressed out. But I am aware of my flaws and mistakes, I am trying to improve myself, so could you please stop criticizing and just bear with me?

I have lived my life for more than thirty years and I know that if they continue to do that with me, I will run away from their 'school.' I will be an outlaw. I become a Christian because God shows me that He loves me for who I am. He patiently and lovingly correct me. (Well sometimes he rebuked or disciplined but He is God, so he has the right to do that, you see. I might feel angry a while but in the end I know that God has all the right to do so. And when I am very sad and withdrawn, He always found the way to bring the smile back to my face and made me fall in love with Him again.) But lately some of His people, (I said this with respect, I know they are very, very good people) make me feel as if I am not good enough or I am not as good as them.

I admitted that there are moments, in my low spirit, when I felt like "ok, you are all saints. I am sinner. I don't belong in your group because I'm not good enough. Let you saints live your lives and let me live mine. The door is over there. Just one more of those acts from you and I will walk out and will never return. Call me a doomed, a damned, whatsover. I don't care one bit. There are sinners out there in society that have more heart than you saints. I will be with them. I prefer to be with dirty funny dogs rather cold-hearted beautiful swans."

Yeah...that was me talking, on the day that I felt very low inside.

The reason that I am writing all this is because I am trying to let all those resentment, pain, and anger pour out. Let myself bleed one last time so that I can be healed. I want to forgive them. I want to forgive myself.

Now, I am going to picture it another way. I am going to stand in their shoes. I think back to the time that I was a teacher, the kind of students hardest for me to deal with were the ones who are intelligent and proud. The ones who ignore the lessons because they are too easy for them. The only thing I can do is to give them lessons more difficult than others in order to make them feel that there are still more things for them to learn. Many times these students made me very nervous because I know that they are bright and they can easily see when I make mistakes. Some of them might feel resentful and don't understand why I have to give them more difficult tasks, making them make mistakes over and over again. Well, the true reason I want to tell them was...because you are capable, dude! If I give you anything easier than this, you're gonna be bored and lose all the interest in class.

You know, sometimes I really forgot to think, that some of these students, though smart and arrogant they may seem, can have very low confidence in themselves and might have fear of mistakes of failures. Trying to push them with too challenging work can be viewed as you trying to shame them in front of others or trying to trick them to make mistakes.

Have I ever seem to be that kind of students in their eyes? Is something in me or my personality or my way of doing things make these teachers feel that they should give me very difficult tasks so that I can still continue to learn? Well, thank you then. But please also show more love for me too. Teachers usually show love and encouragement to those students who are weak but obedient and submissive, but they forgot that stubborn or proud students need love too. Maybe when you give them those difficult tasks, you can give a hug or so, and let them know that "I believe you can do it. I let you do this because I love you." That would help, I think. And I might be less stubborn or less resistant to learning.

But anyway, on my part, I will have to do what God has told me to in my heart. Just focus on loving them as much as and stop thinking about how they look at you or treat you. 

I also asked God "what if they continue to scrutinize me, looking down upon me, making me feel ashamed of myself instead of feeling encouraged to do good, what if they don't stop? What should I do?"

I heard God's little voice said "Love them still."

So I pouted, "Oh, yeah...I know it's my job to love my enemy, but...."

Then God said, "I told you to love them, but I didn't say that you can't walk away from them. If a town doesn't welcome you, just shake off your dust and leave, remember? But what you must do is you must not hate them.You must love them. If you decide to walk away, then walk away in peace."

I said, "I can? Really?"

"Of course" God winks his eyes. "You are free to be with the people who build you up and let your inner light shine. If you are with those who block you from being who you truly are, then you have the right to move away. I have led you this place, yes, but I didn't tell you that you have to be there forever. Actually, you already heard what I asked of you before you becoming one of their members. Anyway, before you decide, make sure that you have look at them with an open heart and non-prejudice eyes. Make sure that you have loved them and have learned from them. They are your friends. They love you. Their ways maybe different than yours but they are My people and they love me. So my command to you now is love them, forgive them when they are being unloving or when they judge you wrongly, respect them for being who they are, apologze when you do anything that offend them and open up to what they are trying to teach you as much as you can. Just remember my command to you on the first day that you came to this place. Stick to it."

My heart is at peace now. I remember that command God has given me on the first day that I arrived at the church. It rang so deep and true in my heart.

There are some new things that I want you to learn from these people. But there also some truths that I want you to hold on tight. Never change, never falter, no matter what they tell you. Learn only the truths but ignore the myths and stories that complicate the simple truth about Me. Always stay a child, and always love me with you child-like heart. Yet, don't close off your heart from learning new things from them. It is also important for you. You ask me, should I be a catholic or stay a Christian. My answer to you is 'both.'  Listen to my voice, although there might be people who tell you that you must do this or be that. But you just listen to my voice, and be who I want you to be.

From last night sleep

Since I had anxiety and depression problem from the pressure of working in offices some years ago, I hardly had dreams with important meaning. They become rare. Most of them were nightmares or nonsense dreams, or even trickery messages from the Devil.

I received a very good advice lately. "Ignore all dreams that make you curious, afraid, anxious, or anything negative. If dreams are from God or Heaven, they are always GOOD." And I couldn't agree more. It is so true. I've been paying too much attention to dreams that contain vivid feelings or pictures, or strange signs and symbols. I forgot to notice that those dreams just add fear to my heart and their influences were negative to my life. Maybe after I have become an adult, life has been harsh and stressful. I might have collected so many negative seeds in my subconscious and it can't function well like in the past.


The reason that I became interested very much in dreams is because, when I was younger, I received important messages through dreams. I learned that dreams are messages from my subconsciousness that can tell me about what to do in my life and many of them were very useful to me. I believe that some of my dreams during that time were sent from benevolent beings or Heaven, because there was no questions and no doubt about it in my heart at all when I woke up. They were amazingly beautiful, completely peaceful, inspiring, loving, and I felt blessed upon waking up. The messages from those dreams were so clear, spoken directly to my heart. Most of them were encouragement and wisdom. Furthermore, some of those dreams were my out-of-body experience.


Anyway, I rarely have such wonderful dreams these days. Problems in life have polluted my subconsciousness and now the demons control my dream world most of the time. So I took the good advice, ignore all negative or vague dreams completely, and life is more peaceful. 


But finally, I received a dream from God again, last night. The message sent was clear and loving, and seemed to be an answer to my recent prayer about forgiveness. When I woke up, I felt that I could see a way to deal with the problem. And I felt peace, not anxiety. The dream went like this:


I was at a church. There were other people in that church. The mass was about to begin.  At first I was with my family. Then I saw SNY standing in the middle of the church (won't put her real name here for the sake of her privacy) She was a British-Thai girl who had lived in my neighborhood when I  was young. SNY called me and I thought she was going to say something mean and cruel to me. In my mind I felt as if she was one of my enemies. I walked to her anyway and she talked to me in English. Below was the conversation:
SNY: Conversation and food are good together, don't you think?
Me: Uh-huh, but it's not what you think. I come to this gathering because I have to. Usually  I don't like talking or meeting people. I hate parties and avoid them at all costs.
SNY: Why? (She looked sad and sympathizing, which surprised me)
Me: I'm not an outgoing type of person, you see.
                    SNY was quiet for a while then began talking seriously to me.
SNY:  My boyfriend taught me that you have to mourn your grief, don't lock it up. Before I could really be myself, I cried and cried because I finally admitted to myself that my father had been so cruel to me and my family all through those past years. First you have to face the truth. You have to open the wound before it can be healed.


Before she continued, I noticed that the mass had already begun and the priest was at his place, starting the ritual. (Earlier the priest tried to send us signs to stop talking before that but we didn't pay attention) I also noticed that SNR and I stood before the altar and the priest, right at the front of the church. I signaled SNR to pay attention to the mass and both of us became quiet. I looked up at the priest who was wearing the usual white robe
(The priest in this dream is just a priest. I don't know him in real life.) and noticed that he had some red stains here and there on his face. It seemed that the stained occur out of an accident or maybe he was in such a hurry that he didn't have time to clean up. It amused me. I felt relaxed and less tense, and the thought that occurred to me at that time was "nobody is perfect, even priests are not perfect, we are all human beings who make mistakes" The thought made my heart mellow and calm. 


 There are some remarkable things about this dream. SNR, in real life, is already married and living in Britain and I haven't seen or talked to her for a long time. I don't view her as my enemy, and the last time that I met her in Thailand we spoke nicely. However, there was one event, that I could never forget. There was one night, in my childhood, that I went to a party near her house, and I didn't know why, she just laughed at me and looked at me with disdain, and whispered something to her friends and they all laughed. I felt embarrassed and hurt. I could never forget that night. And it was part of the reasons that make me later avoided going to parties near my house. I can remember other times whe some people in the parties hurt me with their words or their acts. As  I recalled the memory, tears still flood my eyes. So I guess the wound is still there anyway.


Many years ago, I got this self-help book about "healing your inner child." It was very profound and insightful and practical. It was created by people who are kind and loving. I know that it requires time to focus and work each step of the course. I started it some years ago and didn't continue because I got so busy. Now...I think it's time to take it seriously. Maybe after my birthday. 


Thank you, dear God. I know that there are many events that people hurt me in my past and my heart still remembers the pain. I will learn to cry and let tears clean my heart. The wound must be healed, one day.

obstacles to forgiveness

Many of us know that it is very important to forgive, but it is one of the hardest thing to do on Earth. Lately, I have received messages on this topic, twice. One is "forgive your enemy, do good to those who hate you." The other one is "Forgive seventy times seven" And I wonder who God wants me to forgive? I don't hold grudges against anyone. I don't really "hate" anyone. So I asked God to enlighten me and try to check my conscience carefully. Then I finally learned that I still haven't completely forgive a few people, because the pain was so deeply rooted that I ignore it and thought that it wasn't there.

The first obstacle to forgiveness is...not knowing that you have someone you need to forgive. The pain that the person have caused maybe so deep and have taken many many years to accumulate, and you may have grown accustom to that pain and thought that you are ok with it.You may be able to talk normally to these people, smile or play with them. Your relationship with them may look very normal. But the truth is, underneath all that, you still remember deep down in your mind that they hurt you, and no matter how you try, you cannot  really love them completely or wholeheartedly.

It is not easy to forgive someone who have hurt you from childhood. It is not easy to forgive when the people who hurt you are the ones you love, are the closest people in your life. It is not easy to forgive when these people still stab you unintentionally with the same knife every now and then. Sometimes they do not even mean to hurt you, but just a glance of their eyes or a word from their mouth that trigger the hidden pain at the bottom of your heart, the terrible feeling will flood again and you will feel angry toward them so easily. And you wonder why.

But...to be optimistic. That's a good challenge, isn't it? We are here on Earth to face such challenges and now they are there for us to tackle. This is what I am telling myself now.
 
I will sit with God. I will ask God to help me. Jesus is an expert on it. He could forgive even those who pierce nails on his hands and feet. Even the man who had seen all of his family being murdered right in front of him can completely forgive the murderers by the help of Jesus. My case is not that severe. Of course, it must be possible. But I can't do it alone.

Please help me, dear God. I want to forgive them. I want to love them more. I want to be free. Please help me, I pray.

Eternal Love

Recently,there was a couple of times when I feel very down and low, and this song "It is well with my soul" appeared in my mind, almost like a gentle balm from God. Whenever I think of this verse, my heart sighs with a relief and I could feel the raindrops of hope pouring down on me. Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul

 It reminds me of why I have become Christian in the first place, reminds me of the most important thing that we all have to keep in mind. God loves us so much. Jesus has already died on the cross for our sin. He knows we are sinners, we are weak, dirty, stupid, whatever. But God is the purest kind of love and nothing will be able to snatch the love of God through Christ Jesus away from us. Jesus himself said, "Whoever comes to me, I will never drive away". The Bible also says 'If the Son shall set you free, then you are free indeed." We may stumble on our path so many times. We may become selfish and sinful many times, but once we repent, feel sorry, and want to get up and be good, this eternal heart of love will embrace us back into the light.

When I am in my deepest despair and feel as if I have no worth and life has no more hope for me, when I feel that no matter what I could never be a better person and there is no use trying, and that I should just lie down here and die, the only thing that keep me alive is the belief that "God still loves me" even in my worst condition, even when I no longer want to try to be loving, even when I disappoint Him so much that I despise myself.

At that moment, I would cry my heart out and just lie there, resting in His love. Then, I would start to drag my body to do things, anything, tiny things. I would keep that little flame of hope alive and just continue with my life although I see no way out. And sooner or later, God would heal me and give me back my peace, joy, and hope for life. So many times, it has been this way. And lately, when this song came into my mind when I was in despair, I felt so much loved, so assured, that no matter what, He is going to love me still and my soul is safe in His hand, I can just keep on going, keep on trying. It doesn't matter how many times I would fail or make mistakes, I can always get back up again. And in the end of my life, my soul will fly back to His eternal love and nothing can hurt me no more.

There is this book called "Love Without End." A lady artist named Glenda Green recorded what she learned from Jesus when He came to her in person for a period of time. What is written in this book is so reassuring, particularly when it talks about who we are. When Glenda asked that question to Jesus, He answered "You are Love." Jesus told her that the essence of the soul of every human is love. Deep down inside us, there is a sacred heart where our soul is connected to God. We may or may not be aware of it, but that is still the truth and  nothing can destroy the truth. In the end, every soul will finally unite with Him no matter how long it will take. Therefore, every person is indeed the child of God and nothing can take that right away from him. Although he is the worst kind of sinner, he's still God's child. He just has to go through the spritual journey, which may include pain and sufferings, in order to discover the truth about himself.  Jesus also told Glenda that every human's job on Earth is "to be the love that you are." There will be so many illusions to go through and realize, but in the end, we must be aware of who we are, we must know the core of our true being.

This resonates a teaching in Buddhism as well. "The Original Soul" (จิตแท้ จิตดั้งเดิม) of every human is full of light, wisdom, and love. There is no darkness in it at all. But the probem is, we are struggling with our outer self, with our ego self, and we are not yet become aware of our "original soul." But no matter what, it's always there.

Jesus also said to Glenda that we do not need to fear darkness, because darkness is just the absence of light. Darkness and evil don't have the power of its own. Only let the light shine in and it can't exist. God allows darkness to exist because He will use it for the spiritual growth of human kind. Even "evil" is under God's hand so we should not lived our life in fear of evil. Do not believe that it has any power over our soul. Don't believe any myth that creates fear because fear feeds darkness while love chase away darkness.

 We should remind ourselves that all of us always have 'the light within', an eternal light of Love that comes from God himself. This is why God keeps reassuring me that "it is well with my soul."

click here to listen to this uplifting song

God's gentle rod rebuking

Some people say that if you want to do something, you do it. Don't say that you will do it or there will be things blocking you from doing it. This saying is so true. Many times in my life I say or plan to do something good, then it turned out that I hadn't it because of this or because of that. When I said "Tonight I will pray for her" or "Tomorrow I will have a long talk to God and will mediate too", most often I would forget to or didn't have to do what I had planned.

The best way to pray for others is to do it right away. I have to pray right there, right then. I can't even wait for an hour or the Devil will steal my chance away.

Another thing I learn is, don't promise or vow to do anything good by your own will. Human is weak, our flesh is weak. I learn now that if I announce, even to myself alone, to become "good", then I will fail. If I say to Jesus, "I will do everything you tell me to. I will follow thy will to my last breath. I will yield my whole life to you.", then the next day catastrophe will occur, a disaster will occur, and I will end up crying to God like a baby.

"Pride" is something God always tell me to let go. I have to "decrease" myself in order to that He can "increase" in me. I have to learn to do things by the power of the Holy Spirit, not by my own power. That was also the message that I received the last time I went to confession and join the mass at a church. Now I am asking God to help me learn to do it.
Learn to depend on Him, not on myself alone.

The first advice I receive from Him, through my latest experience, is....pray before you do something and also pray while you are doing it. Never stop praying, never stop focusing your mind on God when you are doing something important. Let the Holy Spirit come and guide you right there.

It worked last night. God accomplished something through me last night because I shouted in my heart all the way while I was doing it, "Please, please, dear God, let your Spirit be with me as I am giving my advice to my best friend who is now in a state of depression and holpelessness. Let me speak whatever you want me to. Let your words come to my mouth."
And by the power of God, not myself, words full of wisdom and power came to my mouth and my best friend's heart was lifted and encouraged. She thanked me and said  that she felt so much better.

The one to give thanks, of course, not me but the Lord. How could I have all those wisdom at that moment without His spirit? How could I say things that spoke directly to her heart, if God didn't help me? I could not claim the success of last night as my own at all. Not at all.

But also last night, I made mistake out of my pride. I attempted, by my own will, to pray for many souls who have been murdered and for their murderers. I listed the names of the dead persons and their unresolved cases, and prayed for each soul by the name of Jesus Christ. The act itself wasn't wrong. But it was a mistake because I didn't ask God if that was the thing he meant for me to do before I went to bed last night. Actually, what he asked me to do last night was just to spend quiet time praying to Him, staying close to Him. But I chose to look around through the internet instead and then I found those cases, and I felt sorry for them. So I did it, by my own will, not by God's will, and I wasn't blessed by it although the act of praying itself probably wasn't a bad thing.

The result? I could not get up in the morning. For half a day! And I was confused. Did I do anything wrong last night? I asked God if I should pray for the spirits of the dead again or was doing such a thing is a waste of time. I went to the Bible, and twice, He said to me to be humble, not to be arrogant. I finally admitted that it was my fault. I did it by my own will because I wanted to do something great, like helping those souls who have been murdered. But most of all, I was wrong because I did it instead of doing the thing that he told me to do at that moment.

Another thing I learned is, I shouldn't be asking Him after I pray for something whether my pray will work out or will be answered. It is not my job to ask. It is up to His will alone. And whenever I do something right, I should not let my mind be happy or sad by the result of it. I should be glad just do the right thing, just for the act of doing it, no matter if it will turn out as a success or failure.

There is this little tale of wisdom that someone told me and I can still remember. It is about a man who received an instruction from God to push a huge rock in his garden. The size of the rock was much bigger than the man and it was very heavy. The man pushed and pushed from morning to evening, day after day, but there was no sign that the rock would move even a bit. Finally he got so frustrated and he asked God why he couldn't move the rock. God said, "I told you to push it. I didn't tell you to make it move. So just keep pushing it, that's all."

So many times, God let me face so many failures, humiliations, disappointments, all because he wants to teach me to stay humble. Actually, it is also my prayer from the deepest of my heart. I know the kind of pride that I have inside of me. And I know that it is the hardest thing to tear down. So many times I asked God in a little whisper, "please keep me humble, please keep me humble, I know this is one of my biggest weaknesses that I need to deal with in this lifetime." I have been in a situation when what stands between me and God's will is my own pride. And you know what, I chose to keep the pride instead of following Him. I haven't passed the lesson yet. I'm sure God will send me some more and it will never stop until I learn to let go of ego and allow His love to completely manifest in me.

The Flowers of War: Reflection from the Film

Recently I've watched a film called "The Flowers of War." It was about a group of young catholic school girls and a group of prostitutes struggling to survive under the roof of a deserted church in Nanking during the Japanese invasion, under the protection of an American undertaker who pretends to be a priest. The films are with flaws, yet, it has one powerful message that help me to easily overlook the flaws.

That message was "Do not judge other people"

In the beginning, you  see how drunk and greedy the undertaker was. He seemed to be only a selfish human being who only looks after his own needs, you see a group of foul-mouthed prostitutes who seem to do nothing valuable but just be a burden to the church. In the beginning, there are scenes tha show how much the catholic girls look down on these women. They view the prostitutes as being dirty sinful people, not worthy even to share the bathroom with. But as the story unfolds itself to the final part, it was all these unworthy people who willingly sacrificed their lives to save these young girls from being brutally raped and murdered by the Japanese soldiers.

How many times in our lives we quickly look at one group of people and then label them as sinners? How many times we look at other people with disdain, thinking that we're better than them because we wouldn't do such sinful thing? Our minds are so quick to judge. Isn't that already a sinful thing inside of us?

I highly recommend the film. But be prepared of some violence, though. But I guarantee you  that the violence in this film is milder than the film "Don't Cry, Nanking" which actually depicts the true horror of the invasion of Nanking. I didn't dare to watch that film. Hearing about it was enough for me. I've seen some pictures in the museum and read about what happend there and already cried my tears. No need to see the film that shows such horror. I recommend this film "The Flowers of War"  because the story shows that hope and kindness still exist even in such a terrible war. But still, there will be a couple of scenes so violent that you would want to look away or close your eyes.

Below is the trailer of the film, you can rent it from regular DVD rental shop.

Click here to watch the trailer

what a hug can say

When I was 16 years old and was an exchange student in Maine, US. I was surrounded with kind-hearted and loving people who love to give their hugs. Men, women, old people, young people, or even children, they love to hug one another. I remember how warm and loving those hugs were. It was just a way to say 'I love you' from a heart to a heart. Since then, I have always considered giving a hug as something beautiful, something clean and nice, something that is good and holy. A way to express God's love to another human being.

But after I grew up and become an adult, I've lived in and visited countries where men touching women is regarding as sin, as taboo, or immoral act. A hug is not view as pure and simple way of greeting. If you let a man hug you, it is like you give them a come-on sign. And when you are being hugged, you would feel like you are being harrassed. Sometimes even a handshake from a man who thinks of you in a lustful way can make you feel harrassed as well. Sadly, after some experience like that, my body learned to distrust hugs from men. The last time a foreign man asked me for a hug, I believed his intention was pure, but my mind wasn't the same anymore. I reluctantly gave that hug because it was a good manner to do so, but I believed that he could sense that my hug didn't come out of a restful mind at all.

It is very sad. I want to be healed. I want to become someone who can hug like a child again. Then, an idea popped up in my heart. Why don't I let the children heal me?

Children, they hug you with the purest kind of love and innocence. I remember how light I felt when I was spending time volunteering in an orphan home. I hugged babies and little kids and they hugged me back and I felt so wonderful.

I remember a special experience. One day, I was sitting on a bus to go home. The night before I allowed my ex-boyfriend to came too close and touch my body in an improper way and I felt so bad about it. I felt dirty and guilty. His touch wasn't pure and although I forgave him because I knew that he really didn't intend to make me feel bad in any way, I couldn't help feeling so terribel of myself for letting it happen. Then, this small little girl about 3 years old walked pass my seat with her mom. She had such big and innocent eyes. Suddenly she put one of her little hands on my knee for a while, out of no reason. It was only a few seconds but, amazingly, I was healed! I felt clean again with no apparent reason at all. It was as if the little girl transferred some of the purest love from her soul into mine, making me feel ok about myself again. It is a very hard-to-describe experience, you have to feel it yourself, I can't find much words to explain. But it was a miracle. Truly a miracle. Just a few seconds and my soul was healed.


After that, the little girl just walked away with her mom. There was nothing significant at all. She was just a child. But her innocent eyes and her healing touch, I could never forget all my life.

You know, I can't help thinking that the little girl might grow up to be a saint. I can't help thinking that God send this girl to be born on Earth for a very special reason. But then again, maybe God just use that particular child in that particular moment, as his tool, to send me his healing love, that's all. God can use anyone, anywhere, to do his work. We can never know anyway. God's way is a mysterious way.


I will learn to be healed again. I promise myself. I will find more children to hug and I will absorb all those pure love into myself, so that one day, I can share my hugs and my love in pure and simple way to other people, whether they are men or women. But I will also learn not to allow myself be touched by people who use that opportunity to harass or take advantage of me. Life's lesson is learned through mistakes. I've had my lot.

On Being Misunderstood

Now the wound begins to heal, and I am able to write about this experience. It is hurtful and yet important for me to learn. It makes me stronger and calmer now.

All of my life, I have never escaped this kind of pain, being misunderstood by other people. Some were small issues, some are bigger issues and cause more troubles. All along, I always hate being misunderstood very, very much because it is like you are being punished for something that you didn't do. I have changed from being talkative and confident little girl into one quiet and shy adult because I think that sometimes the more I talk, the more I am being misunderstood. Some people can understand you and some people just can't anyway no matter how you try. But then, being quieet also leads me to being misunderstood again, for when I don't speak out to clarify things, they just keep misunderstanding my actions. So, no matter what, I am still being misunderstood, from those old past years of adolescencehood to today. Can't escape from it. Almost like a curse.

But now, after a severe case of being misunderstood, I somehow learn to embrace this pain finally.

Lately, I have been misunderstood as being a shameless woman who tries to seduce a priest-to-be man at a church, just because I often have a long talk with him at lunch. How can I explain to them what is in my heart? All they can see is my actions. They don't know me from my childhood, they don't know that I am incapable of doing such a thing to someone who wishes to be a saint. They don't know that I have NEVER EVER want to make a man fall in love with me when his heart doesn't want to. So they just see me there, talking with him, listening to him, for hours. And they thought that I plan to catch him for myself.

But...I understand...people often judge things from what they see or hear. And I used to be like that. Even now, sometimes when I'm careless, I still slip and say negative things about other people, still fall into the sin of gossip. So how can I blame them? It's just the nature of the world and the people in it. But I can't help feeling angry, very angry at first, and then anger changes into sadness, so much sadness, and then after tears have cleansed me, I am able to look back and feel ok.

It is partly my fault, though. I should have known the etiquettes of society better. I'm just being clumsy, sincere but clumsy, and so ignorant of all those manner rules of society. But yes, now I am sorry that I have caused the man to feel uncomfortable. I thought that he understood my intention for being there. If I had known earlier that my actions would make him feel that way, I would have stayed away. Honestly, there are three things that I feel toward him: 1) Some teachings that he shares I can truly apply to my life  2) I am feeling comfortable talking to him, I want to know more about him, and thinking that we can be good friends  3) I wasn't very sure how he feels or thinks about me for there have been teasing and talking from other people that made me really confused of his intention. But after I have learned of how he plan the goals of his life, my confusion has disappeared and my intention to talk to him is pure. But how can you show people your heart? All that they see is your actions anyway. How can I let other people know that my recent breaking up with my boyfriend has nothing to do with this man at all?

But now...I learn something precious. You can't change how people look or think about you. And it is no use trying to do so. My parents know, my best friends know, that I am not a slut or shameless woman, and that is good enough. Hurtful words and mean looks, I might not be able to escape. But I will go back to that place one last time, just to talk to the man, and clarify to him for the last time that I never meant to make him feel uncomfortable and I'm sorry. I will not care to explain about it to anyone else, only to him. At least, for the sake of good friendship that we have had. It doens't matter that he will believe me or not. I know there have been rumors and rumors around. And if he will believe it, then it is his right to do so. What matters is that the truth be spoken, to the person who should hear it.

Another lesson I learn, very precious.
Never believe or pass on any rumors or scandals about anyone. There is always high chance that the person is being misunderstood and is suffering from all those talks. 

I used to have that bad habit. Lately I've learned to improve a little bit. And now, I think I will improve a lot, because now I understand what kind of pain an innocent person can go through when being scandalized. Thank you, God. 

In a dark spirit

This is me today. I'm in a dark spirit today and I can't help it.
It's so dark that I don't even want to fight it.
I feel fear, then fear turn to hatred, then I feel like shouting
"Get away from me everbody, I don't care about all of you!"
I had a nightmare last night and it told me that the devil is gonna get me today.
And they did. Oh, Hell did get me today.

I hate this...feeling like being watched every step
feeling like someone is listening to me while I'm talking on the phone
or writing on my facebook. Maybe it's my illusion, maybe it's real
Maybe all those people are terrible and scarry
Or, maybe it's just me and my hullucination
But I don't care anymore. All of them just go to Hell!

I know I'm speaking like the Devil more and more.

I hate it when people look at me with eyes that hide ulterior motives
Eyes that say "I don't like you"
Smile that say "don't you realize you're an idiot?"
The unfriendly, unkind look on people's face
I am cursed to be too sensitive and have to feel it everytime.

And I cannot forgive that person today. And maybe for several days ahead.
I don't know what to do now. I'm in a too dark spirit, don't even want to talk to God.

(Sigh) Maybe just....not now....dear God. I'll go to you....just...not now...I can't.