Some people say that if you want to do something, you do it. Don't say that you will do it or there will be things blocking you from doing it. This saying is so true. Many times in my life I say or plan to do something good, then it turned out that I hadn't it because of this or because of that. When I said "Tonight I will pray for her" or "Tomorrow I will have a long talk to God and will mediate too", most often I would forget to or didn't have to do what I had planned.
The best way to pray for others is to do it right away. I have to pray right there, right then. I can't even wait for an hour or the Devil will steal my chance away.
Another thing I learn is, don't promise or vow to do anything good by your own will. Human is weak, our flesh is weak. I learn now that if I announce, even to myself alone, to become "good", then I will fail. If I say to Jesus, "I will do everything you tell me to. I will follow thy will to my last breath. I will yield my whole life to you.", then the next day catastrophe will occur, a disaster will occur, and I will end up crying to God like a baby.
"Pride" is something God always tell me to let go. I have to "decrease" myself in order to that He can "increase" in me. I have to learn to do things by the power of the Holy Spirit, not by my own power. That was also the message that I received the last time I went to confession and join the mass at a church. Now I am asking God to help me learn to do it.
Learn to depend on Him, not on myself alone.
The first advice I receive from Him, through my latest experience, is....pray before you do something and also pray while you are doing it. Never stop praying, never stop focusing your mind on God when you are doing something important. Let the Holy Spirit come and guide you right there.
It worked last night. God accomplished something through me last night because I shouted in my heart all the way while I was doing it, "Please, please, dear God, let your Spirit be with me as I am giving my advice to my best friend who is now in a state of depression and holpelessness. Let me speak whatever you want me to. Let your words come to my mouth."
And by the power of God, not myself, words full of wisdom and power came to my mouth and my best friend's heart was lifted and encouraged. She thanked me and said that she felt so much better.
The one to give thanks, of course, not me but the Lord. How could I have all those wisdom at that moment without His spirit? How could I say things that spoke directly to her heart, if God didn't help me? I could not claim the success of last night as my own at all. Not at all.
But also last night, I made mistake out of my pride. I attempted, by my own will, to pray for many souls who have been murdered and for their murderers. I listed the names of the dead persons and their unresolved cases, and prayed for each soul by the name of Jesus Christ. The act itself wasn't wrong. But it was a mistake because I didn't ask God if that was the thing he meant for me to do before I went to bed last night. Actually, what he asked me to do last night was just to spend quiet time praying to Him, staying close to Him. But I chose to look around through the internet instead and then I found those cases, and I felt sorry for them. So I did it, by my own will, not by God's will, and I wasn't blessed by it although the act of praying itself probably wasn't a bad thing.
The result? I could not get up in the morning. For half a day! And I was confused. Did I do anything wrong last night? I asked God if I should pray for the spirits of the dead again or was doing such a thing is a waste of time. I went to the Bible, and twice, He said to me to be humble, not to be arrogant. I finally admitted that it was my fault. I did it by my own will because I wanted to do something great, like helping those souls who have been murdered. But most of all, I was wrong because I did it instead of doing the thing that he told me to do at that moment.
Another thing I learned is, I shouldn't be asking Him after I pray for something whether my pray will work out or will be answered. It is not my job to ask. It is up to His will alone. And whenever I do something right, I should not let my mind be happy or sad by the result of it. I should be glad just do the right thing, just for the act of doing it, no matter if it will turn out as a success or failure.
There is this little tale of wisdom that someone told me and I can still remember. It is about a man who received an instruction from God to push a huge rock in his garden. The size of the rock was much bigger than the man and it was very heavy. The man pushed and pushed from morning to evening, day after day, but there was no sign that the rock would move even a bit. Finally he got so frustrated and he asked God why he couldn't move the rock. God said, "I told you to push it. I didn't tell you to make it move. So just keep pushing it, that's all."
So many times, God let me face so many failures, humiliations, disappointments, all because he wants to teach me to stay humble. Actually, it is also my prayer from the deepest of my heart. I know the kind of pride that I have inside of me. And I know that it is the hardest thing to tear down. So many times I asked God in a little whisper, "please keep me humble, please keep me humble, I know this is one of my biggest weaknesses that I need to deal with in this lifetime." I have been in a situation when what stands between me and God's will is my own pride. And you know what, I chose to keep the pride instead of following Him. I haven't passed the lesson yet. I'm sure God will send me some more and it will never stop until I learn to let go of ego and allow His love to completely manifest in me.
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