Since I had anxiety and depression problem from the pressure of working in offices some years ago, I hardly had dreams with important meaning. They become rare. Most of them were nightmares or nonsense dreams, or even trickery messages from the Devil.
The reason that I became interested very much in dreams is because, when I was younger, I received important messages through dreams. I learned that dreams are messages from my subconsciousness that can tell me about what to do in my life and many of them were very useful to me. I believe that some of my dreams during that time were sent from benevolent beings or Heaven, because there was no questions and no doubt about it in my heart at all when I woke up. They were amazingly beautiful, completely peaceful, inspiring, loving, and I felt blessed upon waking up. The messages from those dreams were so clear, spoken directly to my heart. Most of them were encouragement and wisdom. Furthermore, some of those dreams were my out-of-body experience.
Anyway, I rarely have such wonderful dreams these days. Problems in life have polluted my subconsciousness and now the demons control my dream world most of the time. So I took the good advice, ignore all negative or vague dreams completely, and life is more peaceful.
But finally, I received a dream from God again, last night. The message sent was clear and loving, and seemed to be an answer to my recent prayer about forgiveness. When I woke up, I felt that I could see a way to deal with the problem. And I felt peace, not anxiety. The dream went like this:
I was at a church. There were other people in that church. The mass was about to begin. At first I was with my family. Then I saw SNY standing in the middle of the church (won't put her real name here for the sake of her privacy) She was a British-Thai girl who had lived in my neighborhood when I was young. SNY called me and I thought she was going to say something mean and cruel to me. In my mind I felt as if she was one of my enemies. I walked to her anyway and she talked to me in English. Below was the conversation:
SNY: Conversation and food are good together, don't you think?
Me: Uh-huh, but it's not what you think. I come to this gathering because I have to. Usually I don't like talking or meeting people. I hate parties and avoid them at all costs.
SNY: Why? (She looked sad and sympathizing, which surprised me)
Me: I'm not an outgoing type of person, you see.
SNY was quiet for a while then began talking seriously to me.
SNY: My boyfriend taught me that you have to mourn your grief, don't lock it up. Before I could really be myself, I cried and cried because I finally admitted to myself that my father had been so cruel to me and my family all through those past years. First you have to face the truth. You have to open the wound before it can be healed.
Before she continued, I noticed that the mass had already begun and the priest was at his place, starting the ritual. (Earlier the priest tried to send us signs to stop talking before that but we didn't pay attention) I also noticed that SNR and I stood before the altar and the priest, right at the front of the church. I signaled SNR to pay attention to the mass and both of us became quiet. I looked up at the priest who was wearing the usual white robe
(The priest in this dream is just a priest. I don't know him in real life.) and noticed that he had some red stains here and there on his face. It seemed that the stained occur out of an accident or maybe he was in such a hurry that he didn't have time to clean up. It amused me. I felt relaxed and less tense, and the thought that occurred to me at that time was "nobody is perfect, even priests are not perfect, we are all human beings who make mistakes" The thought made my heart mellow and calm.
There are some remarkable things about this dream. SNR, in real life, is already married and living in Britain and I haven't seen or talked to her for a long time. I don't view her as my enemy, and the last time that I met her in Thailand we spoke nicely. However, there was one event, that I could never forget. There was one night, in my childhood, that I went to a party near her house, and I didn't know why, she just laughed at me and looked at me with disdain, and whispered something to her friends and they all laughed. I felt embarrassed and hurt. I could never forget that night. And it was part of the reasons that make me later avoided going to parties near my house. I can remember other times whe some people in the parties hurt me with their words or their acts. As I recalled the memory, tears still flood my eyes. So I guess the wound is still there anyway.
Many years ago, I got this self-help book about "healing your inner child." It was very profound and insightful and practical. It was created by people who are kind and loving. I know that it requires time to focus and work each step of the course. I started it some years ago and didn't continue because I got so busy. Now...I think it's time to take it seriously. Maybe after my birthday.
Thank you, dear God. I know that there are many events that people hurt me in my past and my heart still remembers the pain. I will learn to cry and let tears clean my heart. The wound must be healed, one day.
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