Now the wound begins to heal, and I am able to write about this experience. It is hurtful and yet important for me to learn. It makes me stronger and calmer now.
All of my life, I have never escaped this kind of pain, being misunderstood by other people. Some were small issues, some are bigger issues and cause more troubles. All along, I always hate being misunderstood very, very much because it is like you are being punished for something that you didn't do. I have changed from being talkative and confident little girl into one quiet and shy adult because I think that sometimes the more I talk, the more I am being misunderstood. Some people can understand you and some people just can't anyway no matter how you try. But then, being quieet also leads me to being misunderstood again, for when I don't speak out to clarify things, they just keep misunderstanding my actions. So, no matter what, I am still being misunderstood, from those old past years of adolescencehood to today. Can't escape from it. Almost like a curse.
But now, after a severe case of being misunderstood, I somehow learn to embrace this pain finally.
Lately, I have been misunderstood as being a shameless woman who tries to seduce a priest-to-be man at a church, just because I often have a long talk with him at lunch. How can I explain to them what is in my heart? All they can see is my actions. They don't know me from my childhood, they don't know that I am incapable of doing such a thing to someone who wishes to be a saint. They don't know that I have NEVER EVER want to make a man fall in love with me when his heart doesn't want to. So they just see me there, talking with him, listening to him, for hours. And they thought that I plan to catch him for myself.
But...I understand...people often judge things from what they see or hear. And I used to be like that. Even now, sometimes when I'm careless, I still slip and say negative things about other people, still fall into the sin of gossip. So how can I blame them? It's just the nature of the world and the people in it. But I can't help feeling angry, very angry at first, and then anger changes into sadness, so much sadness, and then after tears have cleansed me, I am able to look back and feel ok.
It is partly my fault, though. I should have known the etiquettes of society better. I'm just being clumsy, sincere but clumsy, and so ignorant of all those manner rules of society. But yes, now I am sorry that I have caused the man to feel uncomfortable. I thought that he understood my intention for being there. If I had known earlier that my actions would make him feel that way, I would have stayed away. Honestly, there are three things that I feel toward him: 1) Some teachings that he shares I can truly apply to my life 2) I am feeling comfortable talking to him, I want to know more about him, and thinking that we can be good friends 3) I wasn't very sure how he feels or thinks about me for there have been teasing and talking from other people that made me really confused of his intention. But after I have learned of how he plan the goals of his life, my confusion has disappeared and my intention to talk to him is pure. But how can you show people your heart? All that they see is your actions anyway. How can I let other people know that my recent breaking up with my boyfriend has nothing to do with this man at all?
But now...I learn something precious. You can't change how people look or think about you. And it is no use trying to do so. My parents know, my best friends know, that I am not a slut or shameless woman, and that is good enough. Hurtful words and mean looks, I might not be able to escape. But I will go back to that place one last time, just to talk to the man, and clarify to him for the last time that I never meant to make him feel uncomfortable and I'm sorry. I will not care to explain about it to anyone else, only to him. At least, for the sake of good friendship that we have had. It doens't matter that he will believe me or not. I know there have been rumors and rumors around. And if he will believe it, then it is his right to do so. What matters is that the truth be spoken, to the person who should hear it.
Another lesson I learn, very precious.
Never believe or pass on any rumors or scandals about anyone. There is always high chance that the person is being misunderstood and is suffering from all those talks.
I used to have that bad habit. Lately I've learned to improve a little bit. And now, I think I will improve a lot, because now I understand what kind of pain an innocent person can go through when being scandalized. Thank you, God.
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