In the meantime

I struggled to get up today, and rushed to church in the morning.
I decided that I will continue for a while with the faith and everything.
I will continue to do the good and to follow Jesus command, although I have lost
much of the love and trust up  and still don't know how to get them back.

Well, the truth is there was the cross and He went through all the sufferings
so that we could have it easier...at least on that part...I haven't lost.

I don't have many choices, anyway?
Go on with that...or leave and sink down to the abyss.

After some consideration,  I will not back away to the Christian church for now.
So far it doesn't sound like that a solution.
I remember the day that I arrived at a Catholic Church.
The day of my baptism and the addiction from which I was free forever.
The first miracle of the Eucharist.
It seemed clear that God intended for me to be here.

So, I will give it a some more try. Changing back might not be the solution anyway.

At the moment, I can only follow God out of fear, but not much out of  Love and Trust. It seemed to me that God and "The Love" are two separated thing; not the same as it used to be. Something inside me is so hard and bitter and I don't know how what to do with it. Maybe I should ask for more help? Don't want to bother people too much anymore. But I have not really talked to the priest, maybe I'll try tomorrow.

 

Poem: At Dusk

At dusk....

The night is coming in...

So I hold on to a little candle  shining in the night,

To a small little light burning deep within.


No more strength to call out loudly for help.

No more hope to paint myself a beautiful tomorrow.

No more faith to believe that it will be alright.

Just this little light...this little Dream.


An Eternal Love that will never die

An Embrace forever mine.

A Love bigger than the universe

A Love that quenches all my thirst. 


I will hold on...hold on

hold on to this Dream

For it is so beautiful 

For it is so true


I may walk away from another religion

I may one day stop going to church

I may fall so deep into the dark

And see death...right in front of me


Even then...yes..even then

I will die with this Dream..on my last breath.


There was an Eternal Love who spoke to me 

On a cliff looking out to the sea at sunset

He never said that I had to call Him by any names.

He never said that I had to see Him in any forms.

He never asked me to be anything at all. 

On that day...my Dream was born

I remember the cliff....I remember the Love

And I shall continue to remember my Love that way. 

And there in my heart...this Dream...shall stay.

 

Still in the desert

They are here again. And most of the time I don't know how to not listening to these evil whispering in my ears.

I failed to go to the mass that I most wanted to go on Tuesday.
I am angry at the company I'm working with.
I am angry so easily with the people around me, even for the slightest thing.
I am angry...at myself.

I can't sing hymn wholeheartedly like before.
Not to mention having no concentration at the church.

I can't pray without feeling the doubt in my heart.
Especially when I pray for myself.

It's easier to pray for others.
It seems that God prefers such prayers better.
But at least if He doesn't really care to help me,
if I pray for others who suffer and He help them, it would be good anyway.

I tried so hard to keep the love of God inside of me.
Otherwise, the frightening Evil of Pride would surface and make me hate God.
It would try to make me become a demon again. I'm so afraid of it.

I found that I'd run out of depression medicine. Still, I don't have time to see the doctor.

Oh well, no need to mention anything else negative....

I better try to survive with the positive.

Three people from the church called me today, including the priest and my godmother.
I could feel their love and concern. I'm thankful. Yes...that's something I can be thankful for today.

I still go to church daily. Late, but at least I got there. The priest at the church also gave me a clearer understanding of a Bible verse that the Devil used it to confuse me and makes me feel bitter against God.

My mom brought many good food and fruit home today.

And... I remember that deepest longing in my heart for "The Love"
It is a longing so deep, but I believe if God is really God of Love,
He would hear, He would understand, and He would give it to me one day.
"The Love" that only God can understand what I mean.
"The Love" that my soul is longing for. 

The desire is so deep and so true... keep holding it in my heart makes me feel hope,
and a little light inside.
I will keep on desiring it, keep on imagining that one day I will have it.

Maybe it will help. I don't know. I will try.

Surviving: Day 2

It's Sunday. I went to morning church. The devil still blocked me from meeting the priest whom I trust the most. I couldn't get up early enough. And when I was there, I realized that I had left my mobile phone at home, so I couldn't call him.

But at least I went to church. I did another confession, this time I really try harder to repent and I confessed that I was angry with God as well. During the mass, there was one mement that suddenly my heart leapt up and called out to God, asking Him to help me become myself, become the person I used to be, the one who always loves and trusts Him, the one who can pray "Our Father Who are in Heaven" wholeheartedly. It was as though that person is still hidden inside me, begging to come out. Then I  felt the light shining into my heart, and tears filled my eyes.

Now, I remember another thing that Mother Superior said yesterday
Me: Mother, God has changed! He's not the same anymore!
MS: No, God is the same. He always is. It is you who has changed.

In conclusion, the Devil of pride backed away from me. It hasn't really bothered me today. But another one came instead. I felt something unexplainable but disgusting inside my body this afternoon. I tried to give it to Jesus. I don't know how it got in, but I guess I have to be more careful about the media that I consume.

Today, my teacher said that we have to be careful to recognize the moment when the deception begins, because if we don't know that we have taken in something evil, then it will grow inside of us and it would be harder to get rid of. He also said that I have to make sure that I don't have any false belief in my head or it will destroy me again.

This is just the end of an episode. I know that when hard times come again, I might fall again. It is just a break. And I am scared, really. I think there are some unhealthy seeds left in my head. Some unanswered questions. I better get the answered before they come to haunt me again next time.

I think the question involves around "Catholic / Protestant" because in my dark moment I really want to return to being a simple Christian. God was so kind to me back then. Almost all prayers were answered back then. Just one calling and God came to save me when I'm in darkness. It was so nice back then. So warm. So loving....

Well, the only answer that I give to myself now is that...maybe that was a kindergarten school and I must leave it or I will not grow. My teacher said the more you try to get closer to God, the harder the Devil will try to get you. No one can grow without pain, hardship, and sufferings.

But...some people grow in Protestant Christian Church, right? Do they learn a different lesson from me? Are we in a different school? Or maybe it doesn't matter where I am, life is gonna be hard after a while anyway?

Step 1 finishes in 2 days. Result: get back the faith and return to God (for now)

The passage that spoke to me last night

Moses said to the people:
"Remember how for forty years now the LORD, your God,
has directed all your journeying in the desert,
so as to test you by affliction
and find out whether or not it was your intention
to keep his commandments.
He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD.

"Do not forget the LORD, your God,
who brought you out of the land of Egypt,
that place of slavery;
who guided you through the vast and terrible desert
with its saraph serpents and scorpions,
its parched and waterless ground;
who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock
and fed you in the desert with manna,
a food unknown to your fathers."

Maybe it is the answer. I have to ponder deeper on it. 

Day 2 (beginning)

I had to remove some posts of, afraid I have spoken something so bad against God while I was under the influence of the Devil.

Waking up now...early in the morning....without a reason...and I should be thankful.

Last night was bad. I mean...me. Lazy again. Didn't work as much as being lazy.

When I first opened my eyes today, I had a feeling that I might have to clear up my conscience better.

Had a feeling I wasn't being given a real Eucharist and my sin hasn't been forgiven last night (well, that's good. I should have prepared better, I didn't deserve it. Shouldn't have gone in there when a part of the heart was still...hard. Had a feeling something is wrong.

A mortal sin? Maybe somewhere along the way, maybe I have one right now. I don't know  what or where or when I did it, which is very depressive.

Hope I find it out soon. Otherwise I won't be able to confess.

Maybe the problem is pride and arrogance. Maybe the poison is still in my blood.
If it is that so...big problem. That's the hardest part.

Well, have a feeling that another battle shall begin soon. It wasn't over. 

Now I am feeling depressed again...

Surviving: Day 1 (conclusion)

My teacher told me this afternoon that I had to escape from the Devil's influence and get back to God. "The branch must stick to the wine, otherwise it will continue to dry and will finally die" and the more I am feeling hurt, angry, doubtful, the further I'll be from God. I have to call out and ask for God's help and I must surrender my will back to God because I have let the Devil take control of me. He said I couldn't even hear what he tried to tell me at all because my spirit is so blinded by the Devil at this moment.
             Another elderly woman said, "keep praying more and more"
             Mother Superior said, "Go and sit in front of Jesus picture. Talk to Him."

And they all prayed from me....

And after the phonecalls, I felt a bit tired.
I lied down. I didn't have the energy to call out to God.
I just took the rosary into my hand and looked at the cross with Jesus hanging on it.

Then I remembered...
I can't be mad at Jesus.
He had suffered the extreme torment and died the painful death, giving all of himself to God and to us. How ungrateful of me to expect Him to do anything else. Actually, even if Jesus didn't answer prayer at all, His job was done and we shouldn't be asking for more.

Then I remembered...
that I was angry at God...not Jesus.
I missed the Fatherly God who used to pamper me with so many blessings and answered prayers. His help came every time I called out for.
I came to know God before Jesus...on my spiritual journey.
And when I first knew Him, He was very, very kind. What happened to the kind Father?
Where is He now? Why did He turned cruel and cold?

I decided to keep the questions hanging in there, and told Jesus that for now...I will stick with Him. He's a good shephered and He didn't promise me anything unreal...in the Bible He said.."Carry the cross and follow me." and "If you remain in Me and My words remain in You, then you can ask for anything in My name, and I will give it to you." So, He already stated the conditions clearly. I will stick with Him.

I felt tired and fell asleep. Suddenly, something was being lifted out of me. I could felt it so clearly. The sensation that something is being lifted away from me and my body and mind felt lighter and more comfortable. It was just exactly what my teacher said it would happen when the power of the Devil is being lifted away.

I went to church this evening, and the first passage of the day spoke directly to me.

However, I am not totally recovered. The power of the devil still has a place in my heart. I couldn't believe that when I went to confession, the first words that slipped from my mouth is "Father, I have not sinned." I didn't know how could I said that words or what made me said it. I guess I still have some hardness and pride to deal with. I didn't really feel sorry for what I have done at the confession. I need to clear up my conscience better and do it again.

The war is not over. Just one battle ends.

And it wasn't because of me, but because of other people's prayers. 

Holding on, Hanging on

It is not easy not to be able to get up in the morning or sleep well at night. It is even harder when the problems from days to weeks.

It is not easy to go to church without knowing that you would feel so sleepy, so distracted, so depressed...or not. (It happens so often at this time.)

It is not easy to be depressed and try to deal with it without using pills, to fight it with faith, positiveness, and hope (which are running lower and lower).

It is not easy to be the only depressed member of the house and feel yourself so useless when you can't get up to help your mom with the morning chores and you have to listen to her hurtful words the first thing in the morning. 

It is not easy to go to class, gather your strength, and do the best you can for the students although you feel so weak and so down inside.

It is not easy to hang on to faith and belief, especially when you feel that you are not becoming any better person from it, especially when the same suffering keeps returning to your life. 

It is not easy to trust God, when you have had unanswered prayers before.

But...I will hang on. I will hold on. I will remember that my ship has passed through such big waves before on this journey of life.

I didn't die from it.

I will cling to the echo deep down in my soul, the echo that sometimes it is so soft and hard to hear...the echo that says...God is love. He is an Eternal Love. Whatever He allows to happen, it is for my good.

But I must say, I am hanging on with only a few fingers on the cliff, and the abyss down there is deep. My fingers are growing weak.

I will keep on talking to God. I will try to hang on to what my teacher told me.

Always believe  that God will take care of your life...you must believe and let go.  Believe as wholeheartedly as you can and don't be afraid to take risk. Then you will step out of the shadow, step out of the illusions of this world, and realize that in reality all things are good, all things are possible, because God is in everything.

I still have a way to go..so I will continue walking. It is a crooked and rugged road, but at least I still have my legs and my feet.


My faith is weak now. But...I will try not to forget who God is and who I am.

(This picture is taken from someone's Facebook, I don't remember anymore, but thanks anyway for putting it up there. )

Being judged, again!

I know that people misderstanding me is just a part of life and I can never escape it. But it hurts when those people who misunderstand you are those who are very close.

It seems as though someone reads my post "dog and airplane" and thought that I am in love with someone who already belong to another woman. What a terrible idea! I will never do such a thing in my life! The symbols used in that post refer totally to other things, other complicated spiritual stuff that I don't know how to say it plainly. I hate it when someone close to me thought that I can be the kind of woman who goes for not-free men. It felt as though they look down on me.

Another annoying thing, after I hadn't listened to the radio for a long time, I decided to play some music, (mixed in styles but only those with good lyrics) which include rock and some loud songs, and they  came to me ,one by one, asking "you like that kind of music?" as if I just did something weird!! Maybe they have seen me listening to so many hymns and thought that I can never listen to anything else. Or maybe they have seen me complain about music in cafe and TV noises and thought that I will cut off music from my life forever. It is true that I don't usually listen to loud songs, but when you really have to stay up all night and work, it is something that will help a bit. At least I've picked songs that its meaning are not violent, terrible, dirty, or stupid. And to tell the truth....I will not be able to listen to them for a long time because I will get annoyed again. I just try to add a little variety to keep myself awake. Add a little color to keep myself alive throught this new episode of depression. And those songs are picked by myself, I am not forced to listen to them like when I'm outside or when someone just play the radio loudly in the neighborhood. My computer doesn't even have speakers connected to it, for God's sake!! Did the sound annoy them so much?? I just play the music in my own little corner, once in a long, long while that I will do something like this, and now I have to ask those questions as if I just did something that they don't approve!

Another thing...people thought that finally I will go back to full time job after they heard that I got this teaching job. I don't know how to tell them that I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO FULL TIME JOB EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE! It is not because I can't find one that I like. It is because I hate them! Full time job makes me sick time and time again because something inside of me would always feel as if it's being locked and chained in a cage whenever I attempt to do a full-time, a work that force me to go to one same place every morning, be a slave to an organization that can ask me to do every stupid things, including going to boring meetings and parties. On my Facebook, even people who don't usually talk to me click like when I talked about the recent teaching job. Some thought I go back to full-time. It's just part-time, people! All along, so many people have been thinking that my life is terrible because it doesn't have a full time???  The truth is opposite. After I left my last full-time job 4 years ago....I have never been so happy and free as a freelance... and the thought about returning to work full-time never visited me at all.

Strict daily schedules kill me. To tell the truth, this new part-time teaching job has such  a strict schedule, almost semi-fulltime, and it is killing me at the moment. After finish the course, I will not put myself into this kind of work again, it forces me to be at one place at one particular time, and something inside me begins to feel choked and drown again.  I am so depressed right now because of this job!!!! Fron now on, I will teach but the schedule is going to be my choice and is going to be flexible. I'm not gonna kill myself again. Even if I have to live like a poor person, and sometimes have to work handy jobs like washing dishes or sweeping floors...to me...is still better than go back to full-time job in an organization.

Oh well, this is just a depressed person complaining. After I get better from this episode, I probabley won't talk like this. But for now...please forgive me.

"Carrie" VS. "Fireproof": Two Opposite Effects on Unbelievers

There are many movies that portrays Christianity and its teachings. Some did it right and some did it wrong. Let me show you some examples.

(I am not going to present any plot outline or synopsis of these two movies. Anyone can easily check it out easily on the net or maybet they have already watched them.)

Some critics say that "Carrie" is not a film against Christianity because you can clearly see that Carrie's mother obsession in religion is an illness and what she believes in are all wrong. Well, that is true if you are a true believer and your faith is already steady and strong. You will just shake your head while watching this, knowing that the poor woman is absolutely crazy. However, among the viewers of "Carrie," there must be many people who are "non-believers," those who have not yet known Christ. And what kind of image they will have about Christianity and its faith? Think about it. The image that will go to their mind would be like ....devout Christians are those who don't know what pregnancy or woman period is. They are people who don't allow their daughter to wear evening dress and go to prom. They are people who lock their daughter inside a small room, forcing her to pray. Christian people are absolutely crazy and very dangerous indeed! Who is Jesus? Oh, that scary figure on the cross with blood running down, someone who does nothing to help the poor girl who have been abused all her life. The effects of this movie can be devastating on unbelievers. With this kind of image in their mind, they might refuse to ask for God's help even in their time of need.

My mother is a non-Christian, and while watching Carrie recites a scary poem to her class, she asked me..."is that from the Bible?" I mean, for those who don't know what Christ teaches us, it can easily for them to get it all wrong and have terrible image of what Christian faith really is. There are some scenes that Carrie's Mother said crazy things that sound like God's word from the Bible but they are not! Imagine unbelievers watching this without anyone telling them the truth.

Fortunately, I was there with my mom while she was watching this and I explained to her that these are all wrong teachings. Besides, my mother had had an antidose just a few days before she watched "Carrie." She had just watched "Fireproof," a film that presents Christ teaching and Christian living as it suppose to be. And she had a good impression about the effects of Christian teachings on the characters in the story.

Fireproof is a simple and straightforward movie. It depicts an ordinary man who made mistakes, fell down, but then faith made him change his way. God asked him to turn his life around, to leave the wrong way and become a totally new person who is truly capable of love. It shows us about repentance and redemption. It shows us about forgiveness. It shows us about unselfish love and how it can make miracles. It shows us that this is how God wants his people to live their lives. A simple and beautiful film indeed. There is no expensive special effects or super stars, but this film delivers the correct image of Christianity.

I was so relieved that Mom watched this before she watched "Carrie"! She was very impressed about the way that the man had changed and become a caring husband to his wife and he was able to save his marriage. I mean, the story talks about very ordinary situations in life that many people can identify with. She understood by herself while watching that this is what Christianity teaches.

First impression can do a lot of things. Bad first impression can harm deeply and profoundly, I must say. Before I became a Catholic, I've watched films that present Vatican and Catholicism with a lot of evil and crazy things. And I kept those images in my mind. Now...I can see that the truth is not what I have seen or heard. Catholic as a religion might look difficult to understand from the outside, but it tells you the truth and it can change your life in a better way.

Can you believe...sometimes those terrible media and its negative message about Catholicims from long ago can still harm my faith even now, once in a while. It can weaken the faith in difficult times. Media is a powerful tool indeed. That is why the Devil uses it so often these days.

The Dog and The Airplane

There is a Thai idiom "dog look at airplane" which refers to a person from a lower position is hoping to be with someone much high above him or her, or trying to strive for something out of reach. I think it's a good way of picturing it.

A dog can never have any money to buy the ticket.

A dog will never be able to fly up into the air because it doesn't have wings.

No one will ever let a dog into an airplane, the highest that it can be is a cage somewhere in the storing room under the airplane, and that can only happen if a dog's owner is rich enough to pay for its journey.

Well, there might be a few lucky dogs in the world that their owners are millionaires and have a whole plane for himself or herself. That's the only chance a dog can be in airplane.

But mostly, what can a dog do if it's fallen in love with an airplane?
Of course, just watch and howl.

And one day, its neck muscle might gets hurt from looking up too much.
And that is the day the dog begins to learn that what it is hoping for can never come true.
And that it is a stupid thing to do to keep looking like that.
And that their voice will never be heard by the airplane.

Then the dog will turn its head back to the ground, it's true home.
It will accept the simple truth....

"I am a dog"
"That is an airplane"
"Dogs are not born to fly"

It might sound like a silly mean-nothing post, but this is my resting place and I am writing it to relieve some of the pain....