Surviving: Day 2

It's Sunday. I went to morning church. The devil still blocked me from meeting the priest whom I trust the most. I couldn't get up early enough. And when I was there, I realized that I had left my mobile phone at home, so I couldn't call him.

But at least I went to church. I did another confession, this time I really try harder to repent and I confessed that I was angry with God as well. During the mass, there was one mement that suddenly my heart leapt up and called out to God, asking Him to help me become myself, become the person I used to be, the one who always loves and trusts Him, the one who can pray "Our Father Who are in Heaven" wholeheartedly. It was as though that person is still hidden inside me, begging to come out. Then I  felt the light shining into my heart, and tears filled my eyes.

Now, I remember another thing that Mother Superior said yesterday
Me: Mother, God has changed! He's not the same anymore!
MS: No, God is the same. He always is. It is you who has changed.

In conclusion, the Devil of pride backed away from me. It hasn't really bothered me today. But another one came instead. I felt something unexplainable but disgusting inside my body this afternoon. I tried to give it to Jesus. I don't know how it got in, but I guess I have to be more careful about the media that I consume.

Today, my teacher said that we have to be careful to recognize the moment when the deception begins, because if we don't know that we have taken in something evil, then it will grow inside of us and it would be harder to get rid of. He also said that I have to make sure that I don't have any false belief in my head or it will destroy me again.

This is just the end of an episode. I know that when hard times come again, I might fall again. It is just a break. And I am scared, really. I think there are some unhealthy seeds left in my head. Some unanswered questions. I better get the answered before they come to haunt me again next time.

I think the question involves around "Catholic / Protestant" because in my dark moment I really want to return to being a simple Christian. God was so kind to me back then. Almost all prayers were answered back then. Just one calling and God came to save me when I'm in darkness. It was so nice back then. So warm. So loving....

Well, the only answer that I give to myself now is that...maybe that was a kindergarten school and I must leave it or I will not grow. My teacher said the more you try to get closer to God, the harder the Devil will try to get you. No one can grow without pain, hardship, and sufferings.

But...some people grow in Protestant Christian Church, right? Do they learn a different lesson from me? Are we in a different school? Or maybe it doesn't matter where I am, life is gonna be hard after a while anyway?

Step 1 finishes in 2 days. Result: get back the faith and return to God (for now)