Still in the desert

They are here again. And most of the time I don't know how to not listening to these evil whispering in my ears.

I failed to go to the mass that I most wanted to go on Tuesday.
I am angry at the company I'm working with.
I am angry so easily with the people around me, even for the slightest thing.
I am angry...at myself.

I can't sing hymn wholeheartedly like before.
Not to mention having no concentration at the church.

I can't pray without feeling the doubt in my heart.
Especially when I pray for myself.

It's easier to pray for others.
It seems that God prefers such prayers better.
But at least if He doesn't really care to help me,
if I pray for others who suffer and He help them, it would be good anyway.

I tried so hard to keep the love of God inside of me.
Otherwise, the frightening Evil of Pride would surface and make me hate God.
It would try to make me become a demon again. I'm so afraid of it.

I found that I'd run out of depression medicine. Still, I don't have time to see the doctor.

Oh well, no need to mention anything else negative....

I better try to survive with the positive.

Three people from the church called me today, including the priest and my godmother.
I could feel their love and concern. I'm thankful. Yes...that's something I can be thankful for today.

I still go to church daily. Late, but at least I got there. The priest at the church also gave me a clearer understanding of a Bible verse that the Devil used it to confuse me and makes me feel bitter against God.

My mom brought many good food and fruit home today.

And... I remember that deepest longing in my heart for "The Love"
It is a longing so deep, but I believe if God is really God of Love,
He would hear, He would understand, and He would give it to me one day.
"The Love" that only God can understand what I mean.
"The Love" that my soul is longing for. 

The desire is so deep and so true... keep holding it in my heart makes me feel hope,
and a little light inside.
I will keep on desiring it, keep on imagining that one day I will have it.

Maybe it will help. I don't know. I will try.