Being judged, again!

I know that people misderstanding me is just a part of life and I can never escape it. But it hurts when those people who misunderstand you are those who are very close.

It seems as though someone reads my post "dog and airplane" and thought that I am in love with someone who already belong to another woman. What a terrible idea! I will never do such a thing in my life! The symbols used in that post refer totally to other things, other complicated spiritual stuff that I don't know how to say it plainly. I hate it when someone close to me thought that I can be the kind of woman who goes for not-free men. It felt as though they look down on me.

Another annoying thing, after I hadn't listened to the radio for a long time, I decided to play some music, (mixed in styles but only those with good lyrics) which include rock and some loud songs, and they  came to me ,one by one, asking "you like that kind of music?" as if I just did something weird!! Maybe they have seen me listening to so many hymns and thought that I can never listen to anything else. Or maybe they have seen me complain about music in cafe and TV noises and thought that I will cut off music from my life forever. It is true that I don't usually listen to loud songs, but when you really have to stay up all night and work, it is something that will help a bit. At least I've picked songs that its meaning are not violent, terrible, dirty, or stupid. And to tell the truth....I will not be able to listen to them for a long time because I will get annoyed again. I just try to add a little variety to keep myself awake. Add a little color to keep myself alive throught this new episode of depression. And those songs are picked by myself, I am not forced to listen to them like when I'm outside or when someone just play the radio loudly in the neighborhood. My computer doesn't even have speakers connected to it, for God's sake!! Did the sound annoy them so much?? I just play the music in my own little corner, once in a long, long while that I will do something like this, and now I have to ask those questions as if I just did something that they don't approve!

Another thing...people thought that finally I will go back to full time job after they heard that I got this teaching job. I don't know how to tell them that I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO FULL TIME JOB EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE! It is not because I can't find one that I like. It is because I hate them! Full time job makes me sick time and time again because something inside of me would always feel as if it's being locked and chained in a cage whenever I attempt to do a full-time, a work that force me to go to one same place every morning, be a slave to an organization that can ask me to do every stupid things, including going to boring meetings and parties. On my Facebook, even people who don't usually talk to me click like when I talked about the recent teaching job. Some thought I go back to full-time. It's just part-time, people! All along, so many people have been thinking that my life is terrible because it doesn't have a full time???  The truth is opposite. After I left my last full-time job 4 years ago....I have never been so happy and free as a freelance... and the thought about returning to work full-time never visited me at all.

Strict daily schedules kill me. To tell the truth, this new part-time teaching job has such  a strict schedule, almost semi-fulltime, and it is killing me at the moment. After finish the course, I will not put myself into this kind of work again, it forces me to be at one place at one particular time, and something inside me begins to feel choked and drown again.  I am so depressed right now because of this job!!!! Fron now on, I will teach but the schedule is going to be my choice and is going to be flexible. I'm not gonna kill myself again. Even if I have to live like a poor person, and sometimes have to work handy jobs like washing dishes or sweeping floors...to me...is still better than go back to full-time job in an organization.

Oh well, this is just a depressed person complaining. After I get better from this episode, I probabley won't talk like this. But for now...please forgive me.