Five ways to connect to "the Vine"

John 15:5 
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Since my teacher is sitting here with me while I'm writing this  blog, it would be good to publish some of his teachings. (actually it's not 'his' teachings because he said it is what God directly teaches him. It is knowledge from God, not his own)  My teacher often reminds me of the above verse as a way to survive in this world. He said that we need spiritual nourishment from God all the time, otherwise we will live like the dead. In all circumstances, if we connect to the "Vine", troubles will be gone and we will be all right. Jesus came to die on the cross so that we may have "life", but we also need to keep connecting to Him. Things will flow more smoothly. Our heart will have more peace. We will not lose our way. 

However, if we make no effort to connect to the Vine, we will drift further and further away and will wither and die spiritually. The world will have power over us and we become slave to the world. 

My teacher said there are five ways to connect to "the Vine." 
1. Love
2. Faith
3. Obedience
4. Suffering
5. The Eucharist

Love-Jesus told us to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10:27) Love connects two beings into one. If we truly love God with all our heart and soul, we are one with Him. God resides in each human being, so if we love others, we also love "the essence of God" inside each person. As soon as we "love", the branch will immediately connect to the Vine, we will connect to God and recieve nourishment from Him right away. My teacher said that we can meditate on our love for God, whenever we feel that we love God, hold on to that love and express it more and more from your heart ("holding and expressing the love that you are"[from Love Without End by Glenda Green]), when a single emotion is expressed, our spirit will focus and concentrate on it. Finally your spirit will enter a trance and become one with God. The branch will completely connect to the Vine. Well, for basic level, praising God and expressing our gratitude to Him is also the way that we connect to the Vine and receive spiritual nourishment right away.

Faith- When we trust someone completely, we trust that person even more than we trust ourselves. God asks us to trust Him completely, to let go and let Him work His own way in us and in our life. When we trust God, we connect to Him. When we trust God, God lives in us and we lives in Him. When we trust God, we will be like Him. God can do anything, if we trust Him, we can do anything as well. My teacher said "Trust" is like "Love" in that it makes two beings connected into One. We can be one with God, when we trust in Him. It is a way that our branch will connect to the Vine. As soon as we decide to trust and believe comepletely in the Lord, tremendous joy would flow into our heart. We do not have to see before we believe, we just have to trust although we do not see it.  1 Peter 1:8-9 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Miracles happen in such way. Miracles happen when we believe, when we trust...that is when our branch connect to the Vine, and we recieve "anything and everything" from Him. Luke 17:6 If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. / Hebrew 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 


Obedience- This means keep the commandments of the Lord. Jesus said "Follow Me" and that is what we have to do. Follow Jesus. Be good. Don't give our life to sins. Matthew 5:48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. The Vine is holy, the Vine is clean, the Vine is white. If the branches are sinful, dirty, and dark, we can't connect to Him. Actually, that's the reason that Adam and Eve died from eternal life. They sinned. But Jesus has already provided the way that we can have life again. We accepted his salvation, and after that we keep His commandments. That's what Jesus said we should do. Obey Him and live according to His Words. John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. Be Good. Stay away from evil. Being holy may sound too difficult a thing to do, but we have to keep our life on one straight path in order to receive this spiritual nourishment. God will stay "in" us if we keep his temple holy. John 14:23 Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.


Suffering- This may sound crazy but my teacher said it is for real. When we are in great pain, and we accept it with peaceful mind, our spirit will concentrate on the pain and enter a trance. The pain will no longer be painful because we share in the suffering of Christ. The pain will instead become an ecstasy. (Well, but I think this is for the high-level: the saints or those who are nearly saints) Carrying the cross is our duty. Jesus said "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24) Accepting suffering is a way that we purify the soul, and when our soul is pure, the branch will connect back to the Vine. But the important thing is that we must accept everything with total surrender, without bitterness or anger, then the peace of the Lord will overflow us. The bible told us that we cannot avoid suffering if we are to live in Christ.
2 Timothy 3:12 Indeed, all who desire to live Godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Suffering,-Of-Believers#sthash.lugPRDwb.dpuf

2 Timothy 3:12

2 Timothy 3:12

The Eucharist - John 6: 53-57  Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.  For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink.  Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. This is the simplest and easiest way to connect to the Vine. The above quote should already speak for itself. Jesus has provided "Himself" so that we can have spiritual nourishment from God, that we can connect back to our Source of Life. Receiving the body of Christ in the form of Eucharist with faith and respect will nourish our spirit. If we refuse to receive Christ, then we will "wither" and "die" because we cannot escape from sin and the results of it. Roman 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. As Catholic, it is best for us to get rid of our sin (death) first, then recieve Christ (life). That's why we usually go to confession before we receive the Communion.

Resurrected

Finally, I'm back from the dark. The heavy storm was over and the sun is shining at the moment. Don't know when it will rain again.

I want to record some of those darkest moment, and the thing that happened before God took me out of the tunnel.

I was hurt and I was thinking that it was so unfair and the fault was not mine.
Then I told God and He said "It's your fault."
I was so confused. The storm was going heavier. It was so dark.
I was hurt again. And God still said, "It's your fault. He did what I told him."

In the dark, all I could do is just pray and asked for God's mercy.
I really didn't understand what I did wrong.
The storm keeps growing stronger. I cried, I shouted, and I asked God
The pain was overwhelming. I felt like walking stone, no life was left in me.
But still, I kept talking to the Father.
"Please....I really don't understand. What was the thing I did that was so wrong?"


And finally, on Divine Mercy Sunday, I went to a confession
and confessed something I haven't confessed before.

Then I opened the Bible
Then I could "hear"
Then I could "see"
I understood then that it truly was my fault.
When God speaks to your heart, it was so crystal clear.
I was sorry, I repented.
I thanked God for illuminating me.
I pleaded for a second chance.
I pleaded and pleaded.
And God was so kind. God was truly a God of mercy.

On that day I lost so many tears
but my heart was full of light at last.

But Grace stayed in my heart only for a short while.
Then the last period of darkness came.
Grace was taken away from my heart.
And I was left in the dark again.
All the roads to walk seem too long.
All the things God asked of me seem too difficult.
And the promise, the hope, the second chance
was still not in sight.
I kept talking to God again and again.
I looked out the window of the building
contemplating suicide.
I thought of my parents
and called my cousin to ask about the medicine that could help

And finally God said...
Just wait....wait.....wait...

Then an idea dropped onto my head,
and I accepted it.
The craziest idea...I never thought I would have.
But God confirmed to me that it was good.
Then peace came, flowing in, and I could function at last.

I was given the choice between staying in the religion or walk away.
I was given the choice between never seeing this person again forever
or go back, be  brave to admit my fault, and be meek to love and obey.
"He is my prophet." God said. "You must listen to him for the wisdom."

So I choose stay, stay and be meek.
I choose stay...stay and bend down like willow in the wind.

Then...when it's over.
The sun shines so  bright as if there has never been a storm.
Some people think I made crazy decision.
But the peace that I'm having now in these two weeks confirm me.

It is the Lord's will.
I heard the Spirit said that I should change my way and be a better person.
And I obeyed.

Looking back to all of that...it was like...oh my God!
What a storm!
But You were there all along.
And now you gave me a new life.
I hear you now that you want me to continue on this road of faith.
And I will keep on trying, dear God.
As long as you keep holding my hand and leading me.

I lose my faith (but God wasn't mad)

I lose my faith. Period.

No need to do or say anything.

Just die when I have to. Kill when I have to.

At least I'm not the only dark souls in Hell.

Hope you all make it better than me on this planet.

....................................................................................................................................

I expected that God would gravely punish me for being hateful, bitter, and ungrateful after all the help he had given me.

But I found a passage and God in that passage spoke to me kindly like the God that I used to know many, many years ago when I came to believe in Him. 

And when I asked questions, He still answered.

So...I don't know. I'll live..maybe.

I'll keep on believing that Eternal Love does exist.

The Love that continues to love even when we are at our worst self.

The Escape

If life is a roller coaster, then I wondered if I have reached the most darkest cave and the steepest slope (or even sharp drop). It has been so torturing that although I would like to smile and enjoy, but my stomach can't take it. The only thing that I can do is keep reminding myself that each roller coaster ride has an ending. Sooner or later, we'll reach the station where we can take off the seat belts, step out of the machine...and (oh I love the word) go home.

In my life I've been through a lot of prisons. School, workplace, home (when I was young), depression, addiction, and now my prisons are my physical body, misery & dark memories, codependency and ...religion.

Everytime when I'm in prison and I couldn't leave. I escape temporarily by this beautiful thing that helps me everytime. "Dream and Imagination" I fly off from this world into another world. And now I'm about to escape again...

There is a beautiful place. The sky is so blue. The sun is never too hot. And the whole land is full of pure beauty. Far at the horizon...there right there...the Eternal Love is waiting to hold me forever and we will never part again. I floated closer and closer...knowing that once I reach this everloving arms, He will hold me and will never let me go. All my dark memories will be erased, all the fear will be gone. I would no longer be locked by a name or a personality. I would be free from all prisons. 

Lately, an idea reoccurred to me that I'm going to die soon. I don't have to kill myself. And I can't help feeling some peace. Death is scary but what lies behind it can be sweet.

And I will continue to dream...continue to pray. One day, it will come true. The land of freedom and the Everlasting Love who knows me and love me for who I am. I will fly there with my imagination...until the day that this body is broken.

Maybe soon...maybe very soon.

For Those of You Who Have Not Believed

It's hard for me to imagine anyone not being touched in some ways after watching this.
If you dont' have much time, you can just watch a few cases.

I found this video by accident. It shows the people from all walks of life  (including a formal Muslim who were raised in an army to kill those outside of his religion.) who have gone through amazing experience, and now want to tell the world that:

Jesus is real and he can really save us. We will never ever be sorry if we believe in Jesus. It is the best decision we could do in this life. This world is not what it seems to be. Heaven is real. Hell is real. Miracles of healing are real. They are not fantasy. The spiritual realm is actually surrounding us. Our life on earth has a purpose. 

As a Christian, (although I'm during a period of weak faith and going through storms of life)  I want to be one of the millions and millions of people in this world who just simply want to say: Jesus is real and He is there just for us. Nothing can be compared to His love.

Enjoy the video. If you're not yet a believer, give yourself a chance to watch it, even just a bit. It is not about converting people to a religion, it is about this person "Jesus" the Son of God, and the way He showed himself to ordinary people like us around the world today and changed their lives forever. 

Click here to watch: The collection of amazing spiritual experience

Just A Ride: A Simple But Effective View

Sometimes the most unexpected song that we listen to can bring an illumination, a solution, an answer.

Today I went through the old lists of my favorite songs. I remember that a long time ago, an easy-listening song called "Just a Ride" by Jem brought some inspiration to me. I listened again today. Oh God! It's more than just inspiration. It was like a liberation.

I forgot...I used to view this world, view this life of mine, as a fantastic journey, a book to read, an experience to discover. I used to live without much expectations of myself and others. Each day of life is beautiful. Each day of life has brought something to me. Each experience...new lessons. And this song said it just so correctly, life is just like hopping on to a ride. We can't help screaming when it comes to each steep slope. But the ride needs to go on, we have to be on it until it finishes. Why not enjoy? In the end, it's just a ride, an experience, in the beginning we hopped on the ride because we wanted to have the experience. Screaming is part of the fun if we really let ourselves accept it. Don't get upset with the bumps, don't get upset with the unsmoothness, or the slope...that's what "the ride" is all about anyway. We are here for it. Don't let the experience make us

"break down."

I thought about the man that I wrote about in the last two posts, the one that I love, the one who hurts me. Then I changed my view, what if I include him as part of the ride? He is there for me to learn and experience. I can just simply learn about him, see what things he'll do what kind of true personality he has, what else will he do to me next, see it as an experience of the ride. This way will erase much expectation and erase much pain from my heart. It will be easier to forgive too.

Don't know how long this positive outlook will stay with me, but as long as it stays, I'll try to "enjoy the ride." Below is the lyrics, and below the lyrics is the link to the song.

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride   

Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

Click here to see the music video "Just a Ride" by Jem

Forgiveness and Reasons and Questions

These are the reasons I told myself last saturday night...the reasons that helped me forgive him.

- Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me. He prabably did it out of good intention (he said he's been trying to "change" me" which is very shocking to hear, I thought he likes me for who I am.) He didn't know about the deep damange that his actions caused to my spiritual self. When someone did something unknowingly, he can't see the results of his own action. And that is very forgivable.

- I myself might have caused him pain and misery so much, and I didn't even know and didn't even have a bit of intention. How can I know how another person feel, I'm not living inside him. Maybe there were things that I  have done that caused such a grave damage to his life as well? Maybe he didn't say it? Maybe God should be mad at me too?

- In the beginning, I was planning to love him, and didn't expect him to love me. In the beginning, I was just being happy when I see him happy, and I was sad when I see him sad. I didn't expect anything at all, and it is the right thing to do as a Christ follower. I should keep focusing on that.

- I carry an ill fate on love all through my life. I shouldn't blame the person. Just my own fate, my own karma. I should be thinking that I'm paying my debts, that I'm receiving punishment in Hell. 

- Jesus was betrayed. Jesus was looked down upon as if He is the worst sinner. Jesus said "Carry your cross and follow Me." Jesus humbled himself down like a servant and washed the feet of his disciples, and said "Love one another as I have loved you." So if I forgive and endure the cruelty of this person, maybe I'm doing just the right thing that Jesus ask me to do?

But there are also reasons that I should not go back to trust him again. Right?

- In the beginning, I didn't have any expectations about him. I just simply expressed my feeling to him. I didn't promise him anything either.  But then right away, he started to provide with me with all the expectations, promised me that I will be happy the rest of my life with him, that he will never ever treat me unkindly, that he will never ever be angry at me even if I'm angry at him, that I can rest and relax and trust, that I am one of the luckiest woman in the world to have found him because he is kind and caring to a woman's feeling. Then, he started to make me believe that I can really expect that of him. He was being sweet, kind, and caring. He pampered me with his drug of sweetness.
One day I said "Please don't do anything for me if that is not yourself and you can't do it in a long run. Please don't change. Just do the things that you can do for a long term, don't just try to please me in the beginning." And he said, "Of course, I can do what I'm doing now for the long term. No problem."

He didn't know. I guess he didn't know at all that's what I asked of him that day really mattered to me. What hurt me most in a relationship is when the other person is untrue to his promise and started love me less and less. My heart has been terribly broken before just because of that reason by another person in my life. But this man stamped his feet down on my old wound, making it break open and bleed.

The way that he treated me was changing a state inside my spiritual self.  I used to have a condition of being strong and independent. I didn't expect marriage or anything like that, just someone that I love to walk with me on my spiritual path. But the way he treated me in the beginning was as if he wanted me to be his wife. Then the condition inside me really did change, I got addicted to him. I planned my whole life with him. I became weak, so very weak, that I couldn't believe I could be that weak.

During the good time, he mentioned over and over about marriage. He was clever not to mention it in a straight-forward way, but just simply say things that will keep me believing that he really meant for me to be in his life. Then he let me know that he hasn't signed the divorce paper. And when I said why not, could you just sign it for me so that I don't have to feel like walking with someone else's husband? Then his rage bursted on me.

After that, he turned cruel and mean. Just when he knows that I'm too weak to runaway.
He did the opposite of all that he promised me in the beginning.  Exactly the opposite.
He could smile at me one day, then slapped me with a cruel act on the next day, then came back to pad my back, and then kicked me again with coldness on another day. He threaten to leave whenever he felt displeased by whatever I said or do, because he knew I can't bare to be without him now. I'm his property, his slave. Sometimes it felt as if he enjoyed seeing me miserable. He threaten me not to tell anyone at the church about our relationship. He threaten to walk away from me if I ever let my friends know about our problems. He forces me to keep the secret.

I used to have very high respect for him as my teacher, as a godly person.
My respect and my trust all disapppeared. And he wondered why lately I can't seem to listen to his teaching anymore. My heart is unable to learn anything when the teacher is the monster of cruelty. He was kind to everyone around him, except me. He cares even for a taxi driver, but he didn't care for the person sitting next to him on the seat, the person he said that he will take care for the rest of his life. My trust disappeared....it's gone now.

But I decided to pay my debts in this world, to take the punishments that God wants me to take, just as much as I can.

So today, what I am doing is....

If he wants to leave me, I'll let him go. If he wants me to stay, I'll stay.
If he wants something, I give him. If he wants someone to listen, I listen.
If he wants to go somewhere with me, I go. If he doesn't want to talk, I won't talk.
I will be supportive in his hard time, I will try to be nice with my words.
If he is cruel to me again, I will bear it as much as I can bear.
If he repeatedly abuses me over and over again, his cruetly will heal my addiction that I have on him, and one day I will be able to free myself from the cruel man.
One day, I will be able to be independent and free once again.
One day, all the debts will be paid, I hope.

But one thing...I have to protect my heart. One thing that he won't have from me again is my heart. The love and trust of this woman. This is something I won't be able to give him no more. I've had enough bruises.

Love and trust of a woman is something a man should won by his consistent acts of kindness. I was one foolish woman...to give it to a man before time has proved the truth about him.

Is there any other solutions I can use? Is there any better way? So far, I found none.

Forgiveness? Yes, I"m trying.

I regret writing a negative post (the latest one). It was just a transient dark moment in my thought. Actually, I shouldn't be remembering the hurt in the past. And after all, they are the family and I love my family. My mother must have some reasons that she likes my sister more than me. No matter what, mother has done for me all her life more than I could return anyway. And if pleasing her favorite child is what she enjoys doing, then I will let her do it. My sister has been more kind and more calm after she grows up anyway. She is still hot-tempered and some words can be harsh, but she doesn't have a burst of anger as often as in the past. And in recent years she has been generous to everyone in the family and to me as well.

And actually, it was my fault that the water bottles are not filled. I was the person who drank the last bottle. It's truly my fault.

Today, at the sharing group, the people at the church were talking about forgiveness.
They said:

- Forgiveness free yourself, not the other person. You'll be free to be happy again once you can forgive.
- Forgiveness can happen by the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as love and kindness from other people.
- Please forgive us our sin as we forgive those who sin against us  Forgiveness is a requirement. God forgives even the worst of our sin,over and over again. We have to forgive everyone as well.

Actually, the person that I still need to forgive now is not anyone in my family.
He is the man who has just hurt me over and over again, a man whom I used to trust and love so much, but then he turned into such a cruel person and hurt me. I felt deceived. I felt betrayed. A part of my soul is wounded deeply. I went down into one of the worst depression that I've ever had. He has destroyed me more than he even knows.

And he didn't even seem to feel guilty about it. He counted himself as being righteous. After he stabbed the knife at my heart, he showed up the next day, acting as if nothing has happened. And this happened over and over again.


I put all my strength into trying to forgive him on the Holy Saturday mass. I made it. I found some reasons to forgive him and I found some love in my heart that remains.

I don't want to revenge anymore. I want him happy. I'm sad when he goes through bad time. I'm glad for him when he's happy and succucssful. I still want good things to happen to his life.  

But something else...something else in my heart cannot be removed. And I don't know if I really have forgiven him, or if I still hold a grudge.

I can't trust him anymore...not even a bit. And I don't want to. I see this man as a person who hides a knife behind his smile and his sweet words are poisonous candies.
(The last time I said this to him directly, he said sorry, and I forgave him wholeheartedly and trusted him again, but the next day he did it again. It was a double betrayal. My new-born trust was destroyed completely. Worse, a few days later he said sorry again, and right the next day, he hurt me so cruelly and looked down on me like I'm a dirty piece of something. ) 

I'm afraid of him now, like he is a monster from a dark world that comes directly just to torment me in this life. In the past few years, no one has hurt me more than he did. And the wound that he created in my being causes so much damage to me that I don't know how to explain. I'm afraid of this person. I can't escape him. I still have to be there because he has given me also an addictive drug, and I can't run away. But I fear the man, I don't love him. I fear him. Everytime he made me smile, like tonight he did, but in my mind I was so scared. I told myself, after that smile, after some sweet words, he will turn cruel again, and I mustn't let myself trust. I mustn't trust. I mustn't fall in love with this man. Never ever again.

Is that mean I still can't forgive? I really don't know.

But I fear him. And I have no trust in him.

And these two things cannot be removed from my heart.

The Root of Jealousy

When I came to think about it, when my first jealousy occurred. It was at home. In my childhood. Do you think that inequality in the way we are treated by our parents can make us jealous?  I think so.  And I still feel that sting of inequality and unfairness even today.

Imagine two children in the house, one child get scolded for even tiny mistakes,
while the other child can scream and stamp her feet to get whatever she wants and father and mother don't even dare to scold or punish her for her behavior.

One child grow up, trying to be as well-behaved as she can. Only dropping to a stationary shop on her way from school makes her mother mad. While the other child, she can go to party and associate with friends who use drugs and cigarettes, her mother doesn't say anything.

When one child raises her voice even tiny bit, she will get harsh words and extreme coldness from her mother. When the other child scream all the hurtful words on one of the family members, no one would dare to say anything...well at most...just a soft, very very soft whisper (which has no effects) "calm down, my dear."

My sister screamed and shouted at my father times and times and times again, as if he is someone way below her, and mom never be able to stop her.

My sister threw all the hurtful words right down at me so many, many times in my life, she practically abused me with her words, and mom wouldn't even help me or stand up for me.

Mom is the one in the family that my sister cares the most, but mom has never been able to stop her. No one can. She's the queen of the house.

And tonight, she is so very displeased that no one in the house has filled the bottles with water. And my mom gets irritated and upset at my father and me for not doing it. Why she never asked her beloved daughter to do it, I don't know. She seems to be all worried and anxious that her beloved daughter is displeased.

I know this is not loving thought. I should forgive. I should accept just my own mistakes and don't look at the mistakes of others.
I will try, dear God, just as I have done over and over again. I promise I will try.

But tonight, let me just states that....I remember the root of my jealousy.

Want to Go Home

There is a land so beautiful, where there is no hurt or pain, where there is no dark memory, where the arms of Everlasting Love will hold me forever and ever, the love that will erase every traits of fear and bitterness away from my heart.

I miss home. I want to go back. I can't rememember now what is like but I can only imagine. I remember one of my "out of body experiences" those many years ago, the voice of God told me "Do not worry. You come from a beautiful place and you will go back to that place." The voice was so full of love and peace. When I heard this voice spoken there was no doubt at all in my heart. It was the truth. For sure it is the truth, my heart recognized instantly.

If life on Earth is a journey, I'm tried already. I want to go back home. There is nothing more to see. Nothing much to enjoy or hope for.

If life on Earth is a school, I wonder how many lessons I have left. How many knives are out there waiting to stab my heart and soul. I don't want to graduate with a perfect doctorate degree, I just simply  want to pass some required subjects and then leave. This school becomes more and more of a prison to me.

If life on Earth is a form of Hell...(yeah, I really mean it, some people would understand, some people wouldn't) I hope that the debts that are left to be paid is a small amount. I hope and pray that Jesus would take most of them. (I sound so selfish, isn't it, dear Jesus)

But one thing for sure...this place...the Earth...has hope. And that hope is in Lord Jesus Christ. Life on earth can be so dark, but the Lord is the light, the hope. When it gets too painful, He will come and carry you. There is no words that can express the gratitude. He helped us pay the debts.

Anyway, I miss home, dear God. I'm sorry that I'm not like one of your perfect saints. But please accept my thankful heart.