The Root of Jealousy

When I came to think about it, when my first jealousy occurred. It was at home. In my childhood. Do you think that inequality in the way we are treated by our parents can make us jealous?  I think so.  And I still feel that sting of inequality and unfairness even today.

Imagine two children in the house, one child get scolded for even tiny mistakes,
while the other child can scream and stamp her feet to get whatever she wants and father and mother don't even dare to scold or punish her for her behavior.

One child grow up, trying to be as well-behaved as she can. Only dropping to a stationary shop on her way from school makes her mother mad. While the other child, she can go to party and associate with friends who use drugs and cigarettes, her mother doesn't say anything.

When one child raises her voice even tiny bit, she will get harsh words and extreme coldness from her mother. When the other child scream all the hurtful words on one of the family members, no one would dare to say anything...well at most...just a soft, very very soft whisper (which has no effects) "calm down, my dear."

My sister screamed and shouted at my father times and times and times again, as if he is someone way below her, and mom never be able to stop her.

My sister threw all the hurtful words right down at me so many, many times in my life, she practically abused me with her words, and mom wouldn't even help me or stand up for me.

Mom is the one in the family that my sister cares the most, but mom has never been able to stop her. No one can. She's the queen of the house.

And tonight, she is so very displeased that no one in the house has filled the bottles with water. And my mom gets irritated and upset at my father and me for not doing it. Why she never asked her beloved daughter to do it, I don't know. She seems to be all worried and anxious that her beloved daughter is displeased.

I know this is not loving thought. I should forgive. I should accept just my own mistakes and don't look at the mistakes of others.
I will try, dear God, just as I have done over and over again. I promise I will try.

But tonight, let me just states that....I remember the root of my jealousy.