These are the reasons I told myself last saturday night...the reasons that helped me forgive him.
- Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me. He prabably did it out of good intention (he said he's been trying to "change" me" which is very shocking to hear, I thought he likes me for who I am.) He didn't know about the deep damange that his actions caused to my spiritual self. When someone did something unknowingly, he can't see the results of his own action. And that is very forgivable.
- I myself might have caused him pain and misery so much, and I didn't even know and didn't even have a bit of intention. How can I know how another person feel, I'm not living inside him. Maybe there were things that I have done that caused such a grave damage to his life as well? Maybe he didn't say it? Maybe God should be mad at me too?
- In the beginning, I was planning to love him, and didn't expect him to love me. In the beginning, I was just being happy when I see him happy, and I was sad when I see him sad. I didn't expect anything at all, and it is the right thing to do as a Christ follower. I should keep focusing on that.
- I carry an ill fate on love all through my life. I shouldn't blame the person. Just my own fate, my own karma. I should be thinking that I'm paying my debts, that I'm receiving punishment in Hell.
- Jesus was betrayed. Jesus was looked down upon as if He is the worst sinner. Jesus said "Carry your cross and follow Me." Jesus humbled himself down like a servant and washed the feet of his disciples, and said "Love one another as I have loved you." So if I forgive and endure the cruelty of this person, maybe I'm doing just the right thing that Jesus ask me to do?
But there are also reasons that I should not go back to trust him again. Right?
- In the beginning, I didn't have any expectations about him. I just simply expressed my feeling to him. I didn't promise him anything either. But then right away, he started to provide with me with all the expectations, promised me that I will be happy the rest of my life with him, that he will never ever treat me unkindly, that he will never ever be angry at me even if I'm angry at him, that I can rest and relax and trust, that I am one of the luckiest woman in the world to have found him because he is kind and caring to a woman's feeling. Then, he started to make me believe that I can really expect that of him. He was being sweet, kind, and caring. He pampered me with his drug of sweetness.
One day I said "Please don't do anything for me if that is not yourself and you can't do it in a long run. Please don't change. Just do the things that you can do for a long term, don't just try to please me in the beginning." And he said, "Of course, I can do what I'm doing now for the long term. No problem."
He didn't know. I guess he didn't know at all that's what I asked of him that day really mattered to me. What hurt me most in a relationship is when the other person is untrue to his promise and started love me less and less. My heart has been terribly broken before just because of that reason by another person in my life. But this man stamped his feet down on my old wound, making it break open and bleed.
The way that he treated me was changing a state inside my spiritual self. I used to have a condition of being strong and independent. I didn't expect marriage or anything like that, just someone that I love to walk with me on my spiritual path. But the way he treated me in the beginning was as if he wanted me to be his wife. Then the condition inside me really did change, I got addicted to him. I planned my whole life with him. I became weak, so very weak, that I couldn't believe I could be that weak.
During the good time, he mentioned over and over about marriage. He was clever not to mention it in a straight-forward way, but just simply say things that will keep me believing that he really meant for me to be in his life. Then he let me know that he hasn't signed the divorce paper. And when I said why not, could you just sign it for me so that I don't have to feel like walking with someone else's husband? Then his rage bursted on me.
After that, he turned cruel and mean. Just when he knows that I'm too weak to runaway.
He did the opposite of all that he promised me in the beginning. Exactly the opposite.
He could smile at me one day, then slapped me with a cruel act on the next day, then came back to pad my back, and then kicked me again with coldness on another day. He threaten to leave whenever he felt displeased by whatever I said or do, because he knew I can't bare to be without him now. I'm his property, his slave. Sometimes it felt as if he enjoyed seeing me miserable. He threaten me not to tell anyone at the church about our relationship. He threaten to walk away from me if I ever let my friends know about our problems. He forces me to keep the secret.
I used to have very high respect for him as my teacher, as a godly person.
My respect and my trust all disapppeared. And he wondered why lately I can't seem to listen to his teaching anymore. My heart is unable to learn anything when the teacher is the monster of cruelty. He was kind to everyone around him, except me. He cares even for a taxi driver, but he didn't care for the person sitting next to him on the seat, the person he said that he will take care for the rest of his life. My trust disappeared....it's gone now.
But I decided to pay my debts in this world, to take the punishments that God wants me to take, just as much as I can.
So today, what I am doing is....
If he wants to leave me, I'll let him go. If he wants me to stay, I'll stay.
If he wants something, I give him. If he wants someone to listen, I listen.
If he wants to go somewhere with me, I go. If he doesn't want to talk, I won't talk.
I will be supportive in his hard time, I will try to be nice with my words.
If he is cruel to me again, I will bear it as much as I can bear.
If he repeatedly abuses me over and over again, his cruetly will heal my addiction that I have on him, and one day I will be able to free myself from the cruel man.
One day, I will be able to be independent and free once again.
One day, all the debts will be paid, I hope.
But one thing...I have to protect my heart. One thing that he won't have from me again is my heart. The love and trust of this woman. This is something I won't be able to give him no more. I've had enough bruises.
Love and trust of a woman is something a man should won by his consistent acts of kindness. I was one foolish woman...to give it to a man before time has proved the truth about him.
Is there any other solutions I can use? Is there any better way? So far, I found none.
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