I regret writing a negative post (the latest one). It was just a transient dark moment in my thought. Actually, I shouldn't be remembering the hurt in the past. And after all, they are the family and I love my family. My mother must have some reasons that she likes my sister more than me. No matter what, mother has done for me all her life more than I could return anyway. And if pleasing her favorite child is what she enjoys doing, then I will let her do it. My sister has been more kind and more calm after she grows up anyway. She is still hot-tempered and some words can be harsh, but she doesn't have a burst of anger as often as in the past. And in recent years she has been generous to everyone in the family and to me as well.
And actually, it was my fault that the water bottles are not filled. I was the person who drank the last bottle. It's truly my fault.
Today, at the sharing group, the people at the church were talking about forgiveness.
They said:
- Forgiveness free yourself, not the other person. You'll be free to be happy again once you can forgive.
- Forgiveness can happen by the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as love and kindness from other people.
- Please forgive us our sin as we forgive those who sin against us Forgiveness is a requirement. God forgives even the worst of our sin,over and over again. We have to forgive everyone as well.
Actually, the person that I still need to forgive now is not anyone in my family.
He is the man who has just hurt me over and over again, a man whom I used to trust and love so much, but then he turned into such a cruel person and hurt me. I felt deceived. I felt betrayed. A part of my soul is wounded deeply. I went down into one of the worst depression that I've ever had. He has destroyed me more than he even knows.
And he didn't even seem to feel guilty about it. He counted himself as being righteous. After he stabbed the knife at my heart, he showed up the next day, acting as if nothing has happened. And this happened over and over again.
I put all my strength into trying to forgive him on the Holy Saturday mass. I made it. I found some reasons to forgive him and I found some love in my heart that remains.
I don't want to revenge anymore. I want him happy. I'm sad when he goes through bad time. I'm glad for him when he's happy
and succucssful. I still want good things to happen to his life.
But something else...something else in my heart cannot be removed. And I don't know if I really have forgiven him, or if I still hold a grudge.
I can't trust him anymore...not even a bit. And I don't want to. I see this man as a person who hides a knife behind his smile and his sweet words are poisonous candies.
(The last time I said this to him directly, he said sorry, and I forgave him wholeheartedly and trusted him again, but the next day he did it again. It was a double betrayal. My new-born trust was destroyed completely. Worse, a few days later he said sorry again, and right the next day, he hurt me so cruelly and looked down on me like I'm a dirty piece of something. )
I'm afraid of him now, like he is a monster from a dark world that comes directly just to torment me in this life. In the past few years, no one has hurt me more than he did. And the wound that he created in my being causes so much damage to me that I don't know how to explain. I'm afraid of this person. I can't escape him. I still have to be there because he has given me also an addictive drug, and I can't run away. But I fear the man, I don't love him. I fear him. Everytime he made me smile, like tonight he did, but in my mind I was so scared. I told myself, after that smile, after some sweet words, he will turn cruel again, and I mustn't let myself trust. I mustn't trust. I mustn't fall in love with this man. Never ever again.
Is that mean I still can't forgive? I really don't know.
But I fear him. And I have no trust in him.
And these two things cannot be removed from my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment