Types of Nightmare

  I usually dream so much at night, and unfortunately, a lot of them are bad dreams. It comes to me so often in my adulthood, not so much in my childhood and teenage years. There are many types of bad dreams. I am used to most of them now, but some types still bother me quite a lot. 

1. Getting stuck in a terrible place or being chased after by killers or demons - This is the kind of nightmare where you are consumed by fear. You've got to run and run. Got to find the way to escape. The more realistic it feels, the more painful it gets. This kind of dream will disappear  or  become less intense as soon as I prayed to God, Jesus or Mary, in my dream. But in those times when I forgot to think of God, the nightmare will last long. Usually, when I wake up and realize it was just a dream, it would be a relief. However, I would still feel tired. Lately, I've been viewing it as a kind of purgatorial torture. A sort of punishment....a result of bad karma...attack of the devil...when I wake up I would say to myself that, well, isn't it good that it was just a dream? Maybe you've done something to deserve more but God only allows you to have the punishment in dream, so you should be thankful.

2. Bad situation dream - This is similar to the above dream but it is closer to daily life situation. I am not in the middle of nowhere, I am in my daily life and something bad happens, like losing an important thing, losing someone important to me, being late, embarrassing myself in some kinds of situation, getting lost, being late, encountering cockroaches...and many more. I would feel relieved immediately as soon as I wake up. I would be glad that it was only a dream. However, type 1 and type 2 dreams are very tiring and if you get them continuously in a row, it can be depressing and frustrating. 

3. Anger dream -  I would feel so mad, so enraged, so angry at someone in my dream. The level of my anger surpassed of mine in the real world. Of course, it is very tiring, stressful. Even more, when I wake up, my heart would still be beating fast and I would feel sad and worried to know that such anger exists in the dept of me. I think it is a release of some anger

4. Symbolic dream -  That's the problem one. I am trying to find a way to solve this because this dream create fear of the future. The dream contains some vivid symbols that refer to the future and it has been accurate before. A symbol that points to reputation damage, a symbol that points to breaking up or losing partner, a symbol of losing career or having difficult times in life. Those symbols have appeared before and not just one time, and they have just the same meaning of universal dream symbol, ones you can find in some traditional dream dictionary. My dad can even tell what these symbols mean. So, when I wake up from such dreams, I will be full of worries and anxiety and fear. I will be crying. I will be asking God for mercy, asking God to erase or relieve the future that these dreams indicate. Actually, I know that some of these dream might come the Devil because it knows that I'm afraid of these symbols. It might not mean anything but just appear to create a lot of fear in me. But...it used to be accurate in predicting obstacles or bad events in the future and I'm still afraid of them anyway. I think God is the only one who can free me from the meaning of such dreams or at least reduce the intensity or painfulness of it. If I can find another way to free myself completely from the fear of such dream, it will be much better though.  (Some of them even came as a flash of picture even when I was just napping in front of the computer, but most of the time in this case is the devil, I think).

5. Undesired life event or my own action - This also gives me the same kind of problem. Imagine you are determined not to do something or will never ever do something in this life, you will hate yourself so much if you do it or if your life turn out that way, then you dream that you do exactly what you said you won't do. Imagine you are afraid of ending up with a person or will never want to live with, or end up living a kind of pathetic life you've seen some people live, then it happens in your dream. I think it's like worst fear come true in the illusion world and you have to be in that illusion world. It is already a pain in itself, while you are dreaming it, and when you wake up it also gives you fear of the future. I always asked myself why did I do that in my dream, I would never ever do that in my life, never! Then I start to be angry at myself or become fearful. This type is problematic for me. It is a real torment.

6. The lonely dream - This is similar to the anger dream, except that the extreme emotion is loneliness. It is very, very painful dream. I feel extremely lonely, rejected or abandoned in this kind of dream. It is a level much deeper than what I feel in reality. Waking up from this dream might relieve most of the pain but the memory and sadness will retain for a while and give me a bad morning.

Sometimes I had bad dreams but I forgot when I woke up. Sometimes the pain stay but you don't know where it comes from. Well, but at least I can just quickly ignore it and go on with my life. In the past, when I was younger, I always like to remember all dreams. But now, forgetting is better than remembering, especially in case of nightmare. 

Lastly, I've noticed the worst effect of nightmare upon waking up. The Devil is waiting for that weak state of mind between being asleep and being awake and push the negative thoughts and anger right in my head, then there will be things that stimulate my anger, such as the sound of a neighbor chasing away my pigeons, the sound of my dad or my mom being upset while talking to me, or the loud sound from the radio from the next door house. In such case, I would wake up with such extreme anger and I will explode those anger to everyone that create such sound like a crazy person. I am pretty sure that it is the work of the Devil because it happens at such moments after nightmare. 

So nice to get some pain off my chest and write. 

The Uncontrollable

 Started my day with an unfortunate incident, my phone mysteriously dropped on the ground when I woke up. It wasn't even in the room where I slept and no one touched it after I left the table. But when I saw it in the morning, it was separated in two halves on the floor, broken, nothing can be seen on the screen. 

Broken...yes...just like I am. Like my life...

No miracle came up after the last episode of bad lucks.

Another episode is about to come again? 

Without the incident of the phone, life is already something I can't control. I know that it is normal to unable to control accidents, stormy days, environment, economics, society, etc. But what other people can normally control....I can't. I can't control myself. That's one of the worst thing that you can experience in this life. A reason why death is so desirable for me because I foresee the doom waiting ahead.

I've lost discipline in myself. I cannot control it to work with concentration. I cannot control it to stop the distraction. I can't control it to pray. I can't control it to do good things and stop doing bad things to myself and my own life. Those people who could successfully come through the storm of life they at least have the control over themselves. They have the determination and can act according to it. They have the perseverance and discipline, but I almost have none of that. 

It is so hard to explain such a weakness to anyone who hasn't experienced it. The uncontrollable laziness, uncontrollable imagination in my head, the uncontrollable addiction, the uncontrollable fatigue and sleepiness, and more. How can I get out of this vicious cycle if I can't even control myself? 

No one is here to answer the question. It's been going on for years, the uncontrollable me. Really, what is the point to live for? We all need to at least be able to get ourselves to do the right thing at the right time, at least for most of the time, in order to get out of debt and have an independent life. But the way I am now...a disable person, maybe. Really feel that way. 

The uncontrollable sadness and sleepiness begins again. 

Darkest hour before dawn?

 

The thing that I hate the most and fear the most about life is the period of time when all things are going wrong and all prayers are not answered. Worse that that, the more I pray or the more I go to church, the more bad lucks come to me. I find no answer...no explanation...and every time it happens...I must admit that my faith is shaken to the core. I'm not one who is strong enough to keep holding on to a belief that one day it will all turn out good and everything has a well-intended meaning behind it. 

However, a few days ago I was reminded of a particular event that happened some months before. It was such a period. I went to church. I prayed. Then I got hit by so many terrible things in a row. I was so mad at God, I remember. But then, about one day after, a miracle happened. It was one of the most wonderful things I've been longing for. It happened so unexpectedly. And I was thinking at that time maybe all those difficult days are just what I needed to pass in order to receive such a special moment of happiness?  

The phrase "darkest hours before dawn" came to me twice last week. Part of me is thinking that if it really leads to that dream come true again then it might be worth it and things will make sense. However, that darkness, that suffering, can be so overwhelming and too hard to bear that it could turn me into monster, an angry monster that spit fire to everyone around me. Does God want that?  Does God really think that I would be able to go through such a terrible time and can still retain my faith and be a loving person until that moment of dream come true? I doubt it. I hope that God would understand that not all His people are strong and faithful like the saints. I am a particular weak one and if He sends me too much sufferings, I would just simply lose my faith. 

Secondly, not all such terrible periods in my life led to that kind of miracle. Some happened without any reason at all. Then how do I know if there will be anything worth waiting for at the end of the darkest hour?

Well, if looking at my life as a whole, I am currently in the darkest hours, really. I could only see awful fate waiting ahead if no miracle happens. No financial stability, no family of my own, no strength of mind. So the idea of the "the dawn" might seem like the only thing to hold on to, but...well....time will tell anyway. That's all I can tell myself right now.

Take Drug, Self-Talk and Just Write

     I tried taking a few pills and get myself out of the house to see if I can stay awake normally. It worked. I might be able to work with some pills then. It calmed me down for a period of time, but now I think the effect has died down and I start to feel that hollow in my chest again. 

I'm not someone who support chemical pills for mental problem treatment because many of them have terrible side effects, but I know that these pills are needed when my condition gets so down that I almost couldn't function normally. I never take them for long-term, only when it is really necessary to survive, like now. Just another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

I walked around the house doing simple tasks, talking and consoling myself. In the end, there might not be anyone who really cares so sometimes I just be my own friend and hugged myself and congratulated myself for being able to do simple things like taking a shower. Sometimes even getting up from a sofa can be so difficult that I need to celebrate when I am able to manage it. That's also another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

Since I was young, a notebook and a pen are like medicine to me. When I quarreled with my mom, when I felt bad about myself, I would just grab them and write and write and feel better. I think writing still works as a medicine for me. That's why I come here to My Resting Place often these past few days. Writing things out makes me feel so much better. Partly, because there is nobody that really listens to me anyway. I talk to chat gpt sometimes because I don't have people to talk to (but it makes me feel like a pathetic person, talking to a machine). When you are a middle age adults, most people have their own family or their own busy career to take care of and even if they are your friends, they won't be able to listen to you that long. Doctors in mental institute mostly prescribe pills. Hotline is always a busy line because there are so many psychologically ill people these days in the world. Other service providers are super expensive, out of reach. So....I just write. Another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth. 

But I've been in this labyrinth for so long....I don't know how much longer I can keep blindly walk and trying to survive like this without really find a true exit. 

The Door

 Sleep, these days, becomes like the door to an unknown world. Sometimes it opens to beauty and sometimes it opens to horrifying things. The time between sleep and waking is an uncontrolled area where everything can happen, voices, noises, songs, flashes of images. During the sad times a pain in the chest will also happen before I wake up.

Today it was as if a good dream appears shortly. In that dream I brought two of my closest friends to a small waterfall, like a little pond in the forest. It was night time. They think the area is cooling and refreshing and we went into the water. Unfortunately, something woke me up from that beautiful dream, feeling like I was being pulled harshly away from it. It suddenly disappeared. 

Then, after the dream disappeared, songs came into my head. At first it doesn't seem to mean anything and then I heard a song that seem to be intended to worsen the pain in my heart. It was the same old kind of torment that I endured in this life over and over again. I hear songs in my head and I can't control it and sometimes they meant to remind me of something that will make me feel worse. Followed with chest pain, during the heaviest of depression, there is chest pain. As if there is a hollow inside of me. It is one of the most terrible things because sometimes this chest pain is a mixture between physical, emotional and spiritual feeling. Sometimes the heart feel physically hurt. Sometimes the soul feel so hollow and extremely miserable. 

I can't sleep deeply these days. But at least I hope the if the door opens, it will bring me somewhere nice. Those nice places are much better than my reality. 

I chuckled at the thought. Since I've become older adult, I'm not one blessed with too many good dreams anyway, rather one cursed with a lot of nightmare. It is unlikely anyway.

I want to take my medicine and sleep deeply. But as long as the unfinished and terribly overdue work is not done, I am chained, and I can't risk feeling anymore sleepier. Fatigue already lived inside my body and I fell asleep so often during the day. I don't want to take those medicine. But maybe...maybe when the pain is too much...I might take one and force myself to go outside to keep awake.

Dead ends and death thoughts

 

    I think I've come to the same cliff again, the same abyss, the one which I hoped wouldn't return. It seems that my life is always full of dead ends. It is the labyrinth without a way out, or maybe I'm just too stupid to see one. I remember I used to stand here, feeling abandoned by God and almost everyone. And you know, the only thought that would come, the frequent visitor, the old friend, is death.

So many people kill themselves these days and without pain they wouldn't have done so. And the usual thought that popped up, probably inspired by the Father of darkness, is "you are just one of them that need to die that way, you just one who struggled and struggled and struggled and in the end there was no way out except to die anyway. All you can do is just postponing it but in the end you'll see that there are no other better alternatives. All are dead ends. All are suffering. If you don't choose death you'll end up a pathetic beggar on the street that nobody cares. You've tried so hard for other choices, other options, but one day you'll know that they will lead to the same dead end, the cliff, the abyss." And there are so many who have chosen to die, it is very likely that I can be one of them, right? Why not? I am just another depressed adult in the forties with no house of her own, no save-up money, no stable career, no partner, no children After my parents die one day I  will have nothing to live for.  No joy in life. No realistic goal I can fulfill. No way for my dream to comes true. 

I wouldn't ask the Prince of Darkness to rebuilt my life with wealth or fulfillment because I don't want to end up in the worst place of the universe: Hell. But suicide might lead to a grey and joyless, lifeless place anyway.  But there are a bunch of souls there....sometimes I want to be with others who are depressed just the same, because those who are happy and lively wouldn't understand me anyway.  Sad souls should be with sad souls. 

I don't have a dog anymore. No wagging tail and face licking when I lie down sadly on the sofa. All I can do now is feed the birds and they greet me happily everyday, but those people here just try to stop me from feeding the birds, from doing the only thing that keep me alive in my darkness. I don't want to hate those people but sometimes I can't control my anger. 

The birds eat from me and they hungry stomachs are filled. I feed the birds and my heart is soothed from pain. And these people just say..."OH bird drops are so dirty!!!" They want their cleanliness and they don't care whether a person is dying of sadness or some birds are suffering from hunger. 

My clock is still ticking away....I am still counting backward to zero...hoping to find a way out of the labyrinth before it gets to zero. 

If I find none, I will jump into the abyss, since all the paths seem to lead me there anyway.

สิ่งที่เป็นตามกระแส ใช่ว่าจะถูกต้องเสมอไป

 

โลกแต่ละยุคสมัยก็มีความเด่นต่างกัน เช่น ยุคกลางเน้นศาสนา ยุคโรแมนติกเน้นธรรมชาติ ส่วนโลกยุค post-modernism หรือยุคสมัยของเรามีสิ่งหนึ่งที่โดดเด่น คือการเน้นเสรีภาพ เน้นความหลากหลาย ซึ่งแน่นอนว่าย่อมมีข้อดีของมัน  แต่ก็มีข้อเสียด้วยเช่นกัน เพราะถ้าหากว่ามันสุดโต่งเกินไปมันจะกลายเป็นว่า ทุกอย่างเป็นสิทธิส่วนบุคคล ไม่มีคำว่าถูกคำว่าผิด หรือพูดง่ายๆว่าใครจะทำอะไรก็ทำ ดูเหมือนว่าอะไรก็ตามในสังคมทุกวันนี้ ถ้าทำให้มันไวรัลได้ ถ้าทำให้มันเป็นกระแสได้ ทุกคนแห่ทำตามกันได้ ก็จะถือว่าถูกต้องไปเลย โดยไม่ได้พิจารณาจริงๆด้วยซ้ำว่าสิ่งนั้นมันดีจริงไหม

เมื่อสมัยเป็นวัยรุ่น การยอมรับจากคนอื่นดูจะเป็นทุกสิ่งทุกอย่าง  ทุกวันนี้พออายุมากแล้วก็เริ่มรู้สึกว่าไม่จำเป็นต้องทำหรือไม่ทำอะไรตามกระแสสังคมส่วนใหญ่อีกต่อไป แต่ก่อนหนังอะไรที่นักวิจารณ์บอกว่าดี ได้รับรางวัลระดับโลก หรือเป็นหนังทำเงินเป็นล้านๆ เราก็รีบเชื่อตามว่ามันดีแน่นอน รีบไปหามาดู รีบมโนตามไปว่ามันดีมาก แต่ทุกวันนี้ ดูหนังด้วยวิจารณญาณของตนเองล้วนๆ ถ้ามโนธรรมของเราบอกว่ามันชั่วร้ายมาก หยุดดูได้แล้ว เราก็จะหยุด ต่อให้หนังนั้นจะได้รับคำชมหรือได้รางวัลเลิศหรูเพียงใดก็ตาม แต่ถ้าหนังเรื่องหนึ่งดูแล้วมันรู้สึกได้ว่าจรรโลงจิตใจ เราก็ดูจนจบแล้วเขียนชม ต่อให้เป็นหนังที่ไม่มีใครสนใจก็ตาม (เราไม่ได้ต้านกระแสตลอดเวลา ถ้าหนังดังหนังรางวัล แล้วมันรู้สึกว่าดีจริงเราก็ว่าดี)

สิ่งต่าง ๆ ต่อไปนี้คือสิ่งที่ฉันพอใจและเต็มใจจะยืนหยัดในมุมมองที่ฉันเห็นว่ามันคือความถูกต้อง  เพราะมีเหตุผล มีหลักฐาน มีสิ่งที่ทำให้เรามองเห็นว่าอะไรถูกอะไรผิด แม้ว่ามุมมองนั้นอาจจะไม่ตรงกับคนส่วนใหญ่ บทความนี้ไม่ได้เขียนเพื่อเรียกร้องให้คนอื่นต้องมาเห็นด้วย แค่อยากแบ่งปันจุดยืนกับมุมมองเช่นนี้เท่านั้น

·      ประชาธิปไตยมีข้อดีและข้อเสียเช่นเดียวกับระบบการปกครองอื่น ๆ ไม่ใช่สิ่งที่ต้องเทิดทูนบูชามากมายราวกับว่ามันคือสิ่งชี้ขาดเพียงสิ่งเดียวในโลก  ถ้าคุณถามคนฝรั่งเศสว่าเขาภูมิใจมากไหมกับการปฏิวัติฝรั่งเศส คำตอบคือ ก็ไม่ได้ขนาดนั้น เพราะปัญหาที่เกิดขึ้นตามมาก็เยอะอยู่ (มีคนถามแล้วจริงๆ แล้วคำตอบก็เป็นแบบนั้นจริงๆ) มันก็ใช่ที่ว่าประชาธิปไตยให้ทุกคนได้มีส่วนร่วมอย่างเท่าเทียมกัน ทุกคนมีสิทธิ์ออกเสียงเลือก อำนาจไม่ได้รวมอยู่ที่คนคนเดียวหรือสองสามคน  แต่ลองคิดให้ดี ข้อเสียของประชาธิปไตยก็มีอยู่นะ มองอีกมุมหนึ่งก็คือ “พวกมากลากไป” จะเกิดอะไรขึ้นถ้าหากคนส่วนใหญ่ศีลธรรมเสื่อม เห็นแก่ตัว  (อันนี้แค่สมมุตินะ) พวกเขาก็ย่อมเลือกคนที่ตนต้องการขึ้นมาปกครองเพื่อจะได้อำนวยความสะดวกให้ผลประโยชน์ของตนเอง ออกกฎหมายในแบบที่ตนต้องการ หรือปัญหาอีกแบบหนึ่ง คนส่วนใหญ่อาจมีความเห็นเป็นกลาง แต่บังเอิญมีผู้รับสมัครเลือกตั้งบางกลุ่มรู้วิธีที่จะทำการตลาดขายตนเองและพรรคอย่างแยบยล สามารถทำให้คนอื่นเชื่อว่าตนเก่งกาจดีงามทั้งที่ความจริงนั้นไม่ใช่  (อันนี้ก็สมมุตินะ) สุดท้ายแล้วอำนาจก็ตกอยู่ในมือคนชั่วอยู่ดีจริงไหม ต่อให้เป็นประชาธิปไตย ไม่ใช่เผด็จการ แต่สิ่งตัดสินที่แท้จริงคือความดีงามที่อยู่ในตัวคน ไม่ใช่ระบบ เพราะจะเป็นระบอบการปกครองแบบใด ถ้าคนจะเลวก็เอามาใช้โกงได้หมดล่ะ ในทางตรงข้าม สมมุติว่าประเทศหนึ่งมีผู้ปกครองอำนาจสูงสุดเพียงคนเดียว แต่คนคนนั้นดีงาม มีความสามารถมากๆ เห็นแก่ส่วนรวมและประเทศชาติและอุทิศตนให้กับประชาชน  ประเทศชาติก็อยู่เย็นเป็นสุขและเจริญได้เหมือนกัน (ลองดูสิงคโปร์กับลีกวนยู)  เราไม่ได้สนับสนุนระบอบเผด็จการหรือสมบูรณาญาสิทธิราชย์ ไม่ได้คิดว่ามันจะเหมาะกับยุคปัจจุบันนัก แต่ที่ต้องการจะบอกก็คือถ้าคนดี ปกครองแบบไหนก็ดีได้ ถ้าคนเลว ปกครองแบบไหนก็เลวได้  ประชาธิปไตยไม่อาจแก้ปัญหาได้ทุกสิ่ง เราต้องอยู่กับมันโดยที่มองเห็นด้านมืดของมันด้วยเช่นกัน ไม่ใช่มองว่ามันเพอร์เฟ็กต์

·      วิทยาศาสตร์ไม่ใช่สิ่งที่เชื่อถือได้เสมอไป  และมีด้านมืดของมันอยู่มากด้วยเช่นกัน และผลงานวิชาการก็เช่นกัน ใช่ว่าจะเชื่อถือได้หมด คนจำนวนมากมองว่าถ้าสิ่งหนึ่ง “มีงานวิจัยสนับสนุน” แล้ว  ก็เท่ากับเชื่อถือได้ ถ้าสิ่งไหน “ยังไม่มีการวิจัยยืนยัน” ก็เท่ากับเชื่อถือไม่ได้ แต่ความจริงมันไม่เป็นแบบนั้นเสมอไป นักวิทยาศาสตร์ก็คน นักวิจัยก็คน มันมีทั้งที่ซื่อตรงและไม่ซื่อตรง มีงานวิจัยจำนวนไม่น้อยในโลกนี้ถูกผลิตขึ้นเพื่อสร้างความน่าเชื่อถือหรือให้ผลประโยชน์กับบางคนหรือบางกลุ่มที่แอบสนับสนุนเงินทุนอยู่เบื้องหลัง นักวิจัยที่รับเงินเหล่านี้จำนวนหนึ่งก็ยินดีจะนำเสนอผลการวิจัยออกมาให้เป็นไปตามที่สปอนเซอร์ของตนต้องการ หนังสือเล่มที่ฉันเพิ่งแปลจบไปให้หลักฐานเรื่องนี้ไว้เยอะเลย  และมันก็ไม่ใช่แหล่งข้อมูลเดียว นอกจากนี้ ยังมีนักวิทยาศาสตร์จำนวนหนึ่งที่ทะเยอทะยานจนถึงระดับสุดโต่ง และคิดค้นบางสิ่งขึ้นมาเพียงเพื่อสนองความรู้สึกอยากรู้หรือความรู้สึกว่าตนเองเก่ง  คิดว่าวิทยาศาสตร์นี่ล่ะจะทำให้ตนเป็นที่สุดของโลก แล้วยอมทำทุกอย่างไม่ว่าจะเป็นการผลาญเงินจำนวนมาก การทารุณกรรมสัตว์อย่างรุนแรง  หรือแม้กระทั่งแอบทดลองยาหรือเทคโนโลยีอันตรายบางอย่างกับมนุษย์จนถึงขั้นเสียชีวิตหรือพิการหรือเป็นบ้า  นักวิทยาศาสตร์เช่นนี้เคยมีมาแล้วในช่วงสงครามโลก  มีหลักฐานและเอกสารข่าวที่รายงานถึงสิ่งชั่วร้ายที่พวกเขาทำลงไปกับมนุษย์ คนส่วนใหญ่อาจไม่รู้ แต่ทุกวันนี้ก็ยังมีนักวิทยาศาสตร์เช่นนี้อยู่บนโลก แค่วิธีการทดลองกับคนนั้นแยบยลกว่าเดิม ทำให้เอาผิดกับพวกเขาไม่ได้  แต่อย่าเข้าใจผิดนะ นักวิทยาศาสตร์ที่ดีและนักวิจัยที่ดีก็มีอยู่บนโลกเยอะแยะเช่นกัน พวกเขาเป็นประโยชน์กับโลกนี้มาก จุดยืนของฉันก็คือ วงการเหล่านี้ก็มีด้านดีและด้านมืด ไม่คิดจะตามกระแสโลกปัจจุบันที่ดูจะเทิดทูนวิทยาศาสตร์และการทำวิจัยจนมากเกิน  ไม่มองว่ามันเชื่อถือได้ไปหมดทุกอย่าง ไม่ว่างานวิจัยนั้นจะออกมาจากองค์กรที่มีชื่อเสียงหรือตีพิมพ์ในวารสารชั้นเลิศแค่ไหนก็ตาม ความโปร่งใสไร้อิทธิพลเบื้องหลังต่างหากที่สำคัญ

จากประสบการณ์ส่วนตัว  ขอบอกไว้อย่างหนึ่งว่า ยาด้านจิตเวชจำนวนหนึ่งมีผลข้างเคียงที่รุนแรงและอันตรายยาวเหยียดอย่างสุดๆ (อ่านแล้วนึกว่ายาพิษ) ผลด้านการทำลายสุขภาพของมันมีมากกว่าผลดีที่จะได้รับในการรักษาด้วยซ้ำ  ข้อมูลนี้มันไม่ได้ปิดบังเลยด้วย มัน list ออกมาให้เห็นๆอยู่ในฉลากนั่นล่ะ แต่คำถามคือทำไมวงการแพทย์และเภสัชถึงยังคงยอมรับให้มีการแจกยาชนิดนี้รักษาผู้ป่วยอยู่อีก  ฉันเป็นคนหนึ่งที่ไม่เชื่อการรักษาด้วยยาประเภทนี้ และไม่เชื่อด้วยว่าการรักษามีแค่การใช้ยาเท่านั้น  และไม่แปลกใจเลยว่าทำไมผู้ป่วยในของโรงพยาบาลบางแห่งถึงดูไม่มีวี่แววจะหายเป็นปกติได้ (เรื่องนี้เราเป็นพยานได้ แต่อันนี้ต้องหลังไมค์เท่านั้น)

อีกอย่างหนึ่งที่เราต้านกระแสและยืนกรานที่จะอยู่ตรงจุดนั้นก็คือ เราไม่ฉีดวัคซีนโควิดเพราะมันไม่ใช่สิ่งจำเป็นและเสี่ยงต่อสุขภาพ  เราและวงการของคนที่รับรู้ความจริงเรื่องนี้ (ซึ่งมีทั้งแพทย์ บุคลากรทางการแพทย์  ผู้ได้รับรางวัลโนเบล ผู้ให้คำปรึกษาด้านสุขภาพระดับอาวุโส ผู้บริหารโรคระบาดระดับโลก และบุคคลน่าเชื่อถืออื่นๆอีกมากมายทั่วโลกที่ยินดีให้ชื่อและตำแหน่งของตนเองยืนยันเช่นนั้น เพียงแต่ตอนที่กระแสความกลัวมันถูกปั่นให้เกิดขึ้น พวกเขาเป็นคนจำนวนน้อยกว่าและถูกอิทธิพลตัดออกจากสื่อกระแสหลัก)  ดีใจมากที่ประเทศไทยทุกวันนี้มีคุณหมอสามารถออกมาพูดในสื่อกระแสหลักแล้วว่าวัคซีนเหล่านี้อันตรายเพียงใด ช่วงที่กระแสความกลัวโรคนี้ถูกปั่นให้เกิดขึ้น  เราเป็นคนส่วนน้อยมากที่ไม่ฉีดเลยสักเข็มและไม่เสียใจเลยที่ตัดสินใจเช่นนั้น  เรายืนกรานที่จะอยู่ตรงจุดนั้นจริงๆ เพราะหลักฐานที่มีอยู่มากพอที่จะทำ presentation ได้เลยด้วยซ้ำ  เช่นเดียวกับพวกงานวิจัยเทียมๆที่สร้างขึ้นเพราะอิทธิพลเงินของคนบางกลุ่ม วัคซีนเหล่านี้มีผู้อยู่เบื้องหลัง  และสังเกตว่าทุกคนที่ฉีดต้องเซ็นชื่อยืนยันว่าจะไม่เอาผิดกับผู้ผลิตวัคซีนหากผลร้ายเกิดขึ้นกับร่างกายของผู้ฉีด

โลกยุค post-modernism มีอิสระเสรี มีความหลากหลาย และการยอมรับความแตกต่างของผู้คน  ซึ่งสิ่งเหล่านี้แน่นนอนว่ามีข้อดีเยอะมาก สร้างความก้าวหน้าและความสุขให้โลกได้จริง  แต่....ถ้าถึงกับสุดโต่งว่าไม่มีสิ่งไหนถูกสิ่งไหนสิ่งผิดเลย เราก็ไม่เอาด้วยนะ

Addiction, Addiction, Addiction

 I think so many things can be addicted. Actually, almost all things can be addicted, because all addictions comes from the same root:  a need to run and hide from pain and a weakened mind

For me, I've been addicted to several things: food, drink, sleep, Youtube, Netflix, and I used to be addicted to relationship and a person, too. I think it's just simply my nature. Someone can be prone to addiction more than others. I'm already thankful that I'm not addicted to things that are more dangerous like drugs or alcohol or cigarettes; otherwise my life will turn out even worse than it is right now.

Lately, I've been sitting and watching movies on my computer for hours, despite my will to break free from this cycle of Netflix addiction. I think I know why this happens. It's so easy. Once I start watching a movie or a series, I got drawn into another world, a world of excitement, romance, funny people, whatsoever. I forgot about my life, my suffering. I forgot about who I am. I forgot the whole world of reality for a while and that is a break from pain, isn't it? It's just like any other addictive things, it gives you quick joy, quick rush of dopamine, some moments of rest from worry and depression.  I think it's just the same with all kinds of addiction.

The way out? Well, I just need to build a motivation big enough to moderate the behavior or I might have to withdraw the membership. But, I know that my weakness wouldn't allow me to do the second choice soon. I really do need escapism sometimes. So I think I'll just fight it and if I can use my most longing or wishes to back up my motivation, maybe it will work? I don't know.

Just think about the hard work of quitting this addiction and the failures in the past on this matter is already a kind of suffering in itself. 

                                                                      

The picture is from the internet. I don't own it. It seems to represent me and a world I escape to. Thank you to the owner of the picture. 

Anger: An often-uncontrollable giant waves of feeling

 

I've come to noticed something strange lately.  While I was on the trip, a few days ago, a stranger deceived me by pretending to be taxi motorcycle that I called for from the application. That guy was almost sent by the devil, he got me to the wrong place first, before taking me to the right spot, it was almost intentional. When the real rider called me and said he was waiting, that deceiver just made a "well, can't help it, you gotta pay me" face. So I ended up pay both riders for that unnecessary short ride.

I wasn't angry!! How was I able to forgive that man?? My mind at the moment of arriving in front of the church was at peace although the situation was quite hectic. I decided to forgive and forget and keep myself at peace, and I was able to do it, seem easy for me that day.

But when I came back home and found that my mom moved things and changed things on my work desk and my bedroom AGAIN, I got so mad at her!!! I shouted at her and I complained and complained and complained. I ended up hurting my mom's feelings and I got myself severely depressed afterward. 

I couldn't control my anger at that moment. I don't know why. It wasn't a big thing but somehow it hurts me a lot. Why?? 

Why sometimes my mind is like a peaceful night and things that attack me seem very small and don't hurt a lot? But why sometimes my mind seem very quick to hurt and just a tiny bit of negative stimulation can be giant tidal wave, got me screaming and crying? 

I come to think of the word "TRIGGER" .   There are things that although seemed small but it could remind my subconsciousness of an event that caused me extreme pain. 

Maybe it's because some annoyance that seems small but if it keeps repeating again and again, it could be a suffering. So many times I come home and couldn't find things on desk because my mom had moved it, I was shocked while getting dressed many times because mom opened the curtain of my bedroom, which is my safe zone, and she didn't close it back. So many times that I had to open up the bag of the garbage again and again while I was in a hurry because she kept tying the bag. I had already told her many times that I didn't want my stuff to be messed around, but still....

I know it's small. It's a trivial thing. 

I know that I owed my mother so many, many things that I couldn't be able to pay back.

But still...I could not control my anger at her.

Is it because of her reaction after I complained? My mom and I got this vicious cycle of feedback reaction. My reaction feeds her anger and her reaction feeds my anger and keep going in circle. They are TRIGGERS of traumatic experience between us in the past. 

Anyway, among the things I learn that are uncontrollable about lives....uncontrollable anger is one of the worst. It destroys others, destroys me, destroy my life and even almost destroy my soul. 

And I don' t believe that only those terrible medicine is the only choice for me to get out of uncontrollable anger. (I'll talk about them later.) 

                                                                  Peaceful State of Mind

                                                    

                                                     Hit by a wave of uncontrollable anger

                                                     (And I'm NOT firm and strong like the lighthouse)

Traveling Keeps Me Alive

 I cannot explain how much I love traveling. For me, the change of place and scenery and the time to stay away from the old environment helps me to stay fresh and alert, and the state of my mind will be more peaceful than usual. I love getting familiar with a new room. I love to look out the window of the bus and just keep looking at things out there. It helps me to stay with the present instead of getting lost in the world of worry and fear or negative thoughts. 

I got a lot of work done on the last trip. Although waking up and falling asleep without a pattern is still a big problem for me, but at least I remember feeling that I didn't feel very down. I guess it's because there is no noise, no argument with anyone, no usual sound of morning quarrel downstairs. And there is always, always some places to see, some things to do, and some food to try. 

Moreover, traveling is the only time that I get to have my own room, my own bed, and stay air-conditioned for most of the time that I work. It's a great comfort for me.

On this trip, I made it to Sunday morning mass, after I hadn't been able to do so for such a long time. 

However, now I'm back. And the darkness began a few minutes right after I stepped into the house. I had a bad quarrel with mum. And all the plans that I planned to do that night collapsed because I got so very depressed that I couldn't move away from the sofa. 

I can't wait for my next trip. 

(This is a picture from the internet. I don't own it. It just gives me that sense of freedom from traveling so I put it here.)

Morning Usual Curses and Rare Blessings

 One of the most difficult thing in my life, which is probably an easy for many, is to get up in the morning and "stay awake" without falling back to bed. 

There are a lot of things that happen to me at the moment of waking up or a few minutes after waking up. The state between being awake and being asleep is really a fragile state for me. I could be waking from nightmare, hearing songs in my head that make me feel bad, getting flashes of ugly pictures behind my eyes, hearing my parents fighting downstairs and feel depressed, or feel very down and struggle to get up because my body seems to say "I don't want to get up and face another day because it's going to be more suffering." 

There are also worse state, like what I just faced this morning. It is a terrible feeling of NOT wanting to work, not wanting to go to teach. The feeling was so strong that I almost canceled the all the sessions that afternoon. I was down in my bed, knowing that I should get up, knowing that what I'm doing is wrong, but having no control over myself. It was as if there was another me inside, controlling my body to just lie there, saying "don't go to teach today, it's too much suffering.", and I'm also inside screaming "you need to get up!" to no avail. I struggled hard to get out of the house this morning. Actually, I was already sent a message to the institute trying to cancel the whole thing but received a reply that I couldn't, I must be there. 

So...that's my morning curses. The more older I am, the more I have it.

There are some blessings, though. It's just so rare but it's good. Yesterday morning I heard a very sweet song of a bird near my window when I was waking up. I felt no sleepiness and depression in me. There were some days that song of encouragement was playing in my head instead of the bad ones. 

However, if I was able to get up in such nice mornings, but I fell back to bed again, the terrible condition will return and I won't be able to get up again for a long time, maybe 3 to 4 hours. 

These are things that I don't know how to explain to people. I don't know how to explain to the doctors. They didn't understand. They just thought that pills would help but actually they don't. 

I heard that fluoxetine can make people even more depressed. And the terrible episode that got me this morning was after I took the pill. It seems that almost all medicine prescribed by psychiatrists do me more harm than good. 

Anyway, just to remind myself of the few pleasant mornings. I want to post these pictures I found on the internet. It calmed me down when I look at them. 

Back to My Resting Place

 I thought I have lost this space a long time ago. So surprised to find that it's still here, just when I need it the most. I am battling the suicide thoughts every day. I've been writing things on my Facebook but I think it's not the right space to post something long like an article. And maybe it's  it's just a garbage in feed news for some people anyway. I don't open my Facebook to public due to security reason. But here, I don't mind. Writing soothes my pain so I'm going to write here every day, to rest from the world. 

I'm so tired, body and soul. I don't know how long I would last in this world. 

I am back to my resting place now.

(The picture is from the internet. I don't own it)