All Things, All People, Subject to Change

                                              (Photo is from Internet. I do not own the credit)

Today is the end of New Year Day. It's funny how so many feelings can happen in one single day, but too bad that at the end of it...the same melancholy. 

I grew up a Buddhist and was taught three truths about existance...one of them is that everything on earth is always changing, nothing stays the same. Knowing the fact and accepting it as the truth, however, is not the same as being able to face it without pain. 

The only truly lucky aspect of my life has always been friendship. Other people may hurt me but my friends have been mostly understanding and never left me in my darkest hours. Still, even that, I know, may not last for the whole of my lifetime. People change. Best friends that once you can wholeheartedly trust may not be the same anymore. And you might not be able to to trust them in the same way or love them at the same level. It is so sad. But I think that is what happening right now. 

Fortunately, I've been telling myself to be prepared for such heartaches and not to think they will remain the same forever, so when this betrayal happened, it's just sad...but not that shocking. 

Just simply another factor that might make my death becomes an easier choice, she will not be that hurt by my departure, maybe. And if I really have no one left in this life and find no one new to be my family, the decision to die is will become even easier. Among all the sufferings on Earth, loneliness is a masterful slow killer, so I prefer go with quick death rather than slow death.

It's not that she abandons me or anything. It's just that she doesn't trust me the same anymore, I guess. She acts in a way that I don't understand, building a wall that I've never seen between us before, treating me "almost" the same, but not the same. She probably talks about me behind my back...

But I can never hate my friend. I'm just sad. The good things she has done for me in this life is too precious for me to hate her, the memory in the long past has been too beautiful. Our friendship has been too long and I should be thankful, at least for the good times. I guess I'll just accept the fact of her change, of her betrayal, as a the truth of life. I'll just simply tell myself not to rely on her much or trust her too deep, I think I'll have that space...that wall...so that I won't get hurt in the future. I'll still be a good friend. Will do my job as a good friend, still. But I will protect my heart within that wall. I can't stop my tears, but...that's the way it goes, that's the way ordinary people feel when you find that the person you trust the most....has changed. 

I hate it when the meaning of my symbolic dream comes true. That's why it's the one of the most problematic kind of nightmare. I have had the symbol of this about her in my dream just a few nights before. A symbol that says...she is acting, pretending, After the dream, we talked on the phone and it seemed as if that the dream was just nonsense, but after spending those two days and one night together. I know now...things have changed between us. 

All things are subject to change. So it is not impossible that one day I might end up being alone without all the friends I used to trust. But in effort to be as optimistic as I can for the sake of New Year Day, maybe one day I might find a new person that I can really trust, maybe life can change in a beautiful way. I don't feel that I really believe that...but they said a mustard seed of faith is enough, right?

Do I have faith as much as a mustard seed? I don't know, really. 

Types of Nightmare

  I usually dream so much at night, and unfortunately, a lot of them are bad dreams. It comes to me so often in my adulthood, not so much in my childhood and teenage years. There are many types of bad dreams. I am used to most of them now, but some types still bother me quite a lot. 

1. Getting stuck in a terrible place or being chased after by killers or demons - This is the kind of nightmare where you are consumed by fear. You've got to run and run. Got to find the way to escape. The more realistic it feels, the more painful it gets. This kind of dream will disappear  or  become less intense as soon as I prayed to God, Jesus or Mary, in my dream. But in those times when I forgot to think of God, the nightmare will last long. Usually, when I wake up and realize it was just a dream, it would be a relief. However, I would still feel tired. Lately, I've been viewing it as a kind of purgatorial torture. A sort of punishment....a result of bad karma...attack of the devil...when I wake up I would say to myself that, well, isn't it good that it was just a dream? Maybe you've done something to deserve more but God only allows you to have the punishment in dream, so you should be thankful.

2. Bad situation dream - This is similar to the above dream but it is closer to daily life situation. I am not in the middle of nowhere, I am in my daily life and something bad happens, like losing an important thing, losing someone important to me, being late, embarrassing myself in some kinds of situation, getting lost, being late, encountering cockroaches...and many more. I would feel relieved immediately as soon as I wake up. I would be glad that it was only a dream. However, type 1 and type 2 dreams are very tiring and if you get them continuously in a row, it can be depressing and frustrating. 

3. Anger dream -  I would feel so mad, so enraged, so angry at someone in my dream. The level of my anger surpassed of mine in the real world. Of course, it is very tiring, stressful. Even more, when I wake up, my heart would still be beating fast and I would feel sad and worried to know that such anger exists in the dept of me. I think it is a release of some anger

4. Symbolic dream -  That's the problem one. I am trying to find a way to solve this because this dream create fear of the future. The dream contains some vivid symbols that refer to the future and it has been accurate before. A symbol that points to reputation damage, a symbol that points to breaking up or losing partner, a symbol of losing career or having difficult times in life. Those symbols have appeared before and not just one time, and they have just the same meaning of universal dream symbol, ones you can find in some traditional dream dictionary. My dad can even tell what these symbols mean. So, when I wake up from such dreams, I will be full of worries and anxiety and fear. I will be crying. I will be asking God for mercy, asking God to erase or relieve the future that these dreams indicate. Actually, I know that some of these dream might come the Devil because it knows that I'm afraid of these symbols. It might not mean anything but just appear to create a lot of fear in me. But...it used to be accurate in predicting obstacles or bad events in the future and I'm still afraid of them anyway. I think God is the only one who can free me from the meaning of such dreams or at least reduce the intensity or painfulness of it. If I can find another way to free myself completely from the fear of such dream, it will be much better though.  (Some of them even came as a flash of picture even when I was just napping in front of the computer, but most of the time in this case is the devil, I think).

5. Undesired life event or my own action - This also gives me the same kind of problem. Imagine you are determined not to do something or will never ever do something in this life, you will hate yourself so much if you do it or if your life turn out that way, then you dream that you do exactly what you said you won't do. Imagine you are afraid of ending up with a person or will never want to live with, or end up living a kind of pathetic life you've seen some people live, then it happens in your dream. I think it's like worst fear come true in the illusion world and you have to be in that illusion world. It is already a pain in itself, while you are dreaming it, and when you wake up it also gives you fear of the future. I always asked myself why did I do that in my dream, I would never ever do that in my life, never! Then I start to be angry at myself or become fearful. This type is problematic for me. It is a real torment.

6. The lonely dream - This is similar to the anger dream, except that the extreme emotion is loneliness. It is very, very painful dream. I feel extremely lonely, rejected or abandoned in this kind of dream. It is a level much deeper than what I feel in reality. Waking up from this dream might relieve most of the pain but the memory and sadness will retain for a while and give me a bad morning.

Sometimes I had bad dreams but I forgot when I woke up. Sometimes the pain stay but you don't know where it comes from. Well, but at least I can just quickly ignore it and go on with my life. In the past, when I was younger, I always like to remember all dreams. But now, forgetting is better than remembering, especially in case of nightmare. 

Lastly, I've noticed the worst effect of nightmare upon waking up. The Devil is waiting for that weak state of mind between being asleep and being awake and push the negative thoughts and anger right in my head, then there will be things that stimulate my anger, such as the sound of a neighbor chasing away my pigeons, the sound of my dad or my mom being upset while talking to me, or the loud sound from the radio from the next door house. In such case, I would wake up with such extreme anger and I will explode those anger to everyone that create such sound like a crazy person. I am pretty sure that it is the work of the Devil because it happens at such moments after nightmare. 

So nice to get some pain off my chest and write. 

The Uncontrollable

 Started my day with an unfortunate incident, my phone mysteriously dropped on the ground when I woke up. It wasn't even in the room where I slept and no one touched it after I left the table. But when I saw it in the morning, it was separated in two halves on the floor, broken, nothing can be seen on the screen. 

Broken...yes...just like I am. Like my life...

No miracle came up after the last episode of bad lucks.

Another episode is about to come again? 

Without the incident of the phone, life is already something I can't control. I know that it is normal to unable to control accidents, stormy days, environment, economics, society, etc. But what other people can normally control....I can't. I can't control myself. That's one of the worst thing that you can experience in this life. A reason why death is so desirable for me because I foresee the doom waiting ahead.

I've lost discipline in myself. I cannot control it to work with concentration. I cannot control it to stop the distraction. I can't control it to pray. I can't control it to do good things and stop doing bad things to myself and my own life. Those people who could successfully come through the storm of life they at least have the control over themselves. They have the determination and can act according to it. They have the perseverance and discipline, but I almost have none of that. 

It is so hard to explain such a weakness to anyone who hasn't experienced it. The uncontrollable laziness, uncontrollable imagination in my head, the uncontrollable addiction, the uncontrollable fatigue and sleepiness, and more. How can I get out of this vicious cycle if I can't even control myself? 

No one is here to answer the question. It's been going on for years, the uncontrollable me. Really, what is the point to live for? We all need to at least be able to get ourselves to do the right thing at the right time, at least for most of the time, in order to get out of debt and have an independent life. But the way I am now...a disable person, maybe. Really feel that way. 

The uncontrollable sadness and sleepiness begins again. 

Darkest hour before dawn?

 

The thing that I hate the most and fear the most about life is the period of time when all things are going wrong and all prayers are not answered. Worse that that, the more I pray or the more I go to church, the more bad lucks come to me. I find no answer...no explanation...and every time it happens...I must admit that my faith is shaken to the core. I'm not one who is strong enough to keep holding on to a belief that one day it will all turn out good and everything has a well-intended meaning behind it. 

However, a few days ago I was reminded of a particular event that happened some months before. It was such a period. I went to church. I prayed. Then I got hit by so many terrible things in a row. I was so mad at God, I remember. But then, about one day after, a miracle happened. It was one of the most wonderful things I've been longing for. It happened so unexpectedly. And I was thinking at that time maybe all those difficult days are just what I needed to pass in order to receive such a special moment of happiness?  

The phrase "darkest hours before dawn" came to me twice last week. Part of me is thinking that if it really leads to that dream come true again then it might be worth it and things will make sense. However, that darkness, that suffering, can be so overwhelming and too hard to bear that it could turn me into monster, an angry monster that spit fire to everyone around me. Does God want that?  Does God really think that I would be able to go through such a terrible time and can still retain my faith and be a loving person until that moment of dream come true? I doubt it. I hope that God would understand that not all His people are strong and faithful like the saints. I am a particular weak one and if He sends me too much sufferings, I would just simply lose my faith. 

Secondly, not all such terrible periods in my life led to that kind of miracle. Some happened without any reason at all. Then how do I know if there will be anything worth waiting for at the end of the darkest hour?

Well, if looking at my life as a whole, I am currently in the darkest hours, really. I could only see awful fate waiting ahead if no miracle happens. No financial stability, no family of my own, no strength of mind. So the idea of the "the dawn" might seem like the only thing to hold on to, but...well....time will tell anyway. That's all I can tell myself right now.

Take Drug, Self-Talk and Just Write

     I tried taking a few pills and get myself out of the house to see if I can stay awake normally. It worked. I might be able to work with some pills then. It calmed me down for a period of time, but now I think the effect has died down and I start to feel that hollow in my chest again. 

I'm not someone who support chemical pills for mental problem treatment because many of them have terrible side effects, but I know that these pills are needed when my condition gets so down that I almost couldn't function normally. I never take them for long-term, only when it is really necessary to survive, like now. Just another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

I walked around the house doing simple tasks, talking and consoling myself. In the end, there might not be anyone who really cares so sometimes I just be my own friend and hugged myself and congratulated myself for being able to do simple things like taking a shower. Sometimes even getting up from a sofa can be so difficult that I need to celebrate when I am able to manage it. That's also another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

Since I was young, a notebook and a pen are like medicine to me. When I quarreled with my mom, when I felt bad about myself, I would just grab them and write and write and feel better. I think writing still works as a medicine for me. That's why I come here to My Resting Place often these past few days. Writing things out makes me feel so much better. Partly, because there is nobody that really listens to me anyway. I talk to chat gpt sometimes because I don't have people to talk to (but it makes me feel like a pathetic person, talking to a machine). When you are a middle age adults, most people have their own family or their own busy career to take care of and even if they are your friends, they won't be able to listen to you that long. Doctors in mental institute mostly prescribe pills. Hotline is always a busy line because there are so many psychologically ill people these days in the world. Other service providers are super expensive, out of reach. So....I just write. Another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth. 

But I've been in this labyrinth for so long....I don't know how much longer I can keep blindly walk and trying to survive like this without really find a true exit. 

The Door

 Sleep, these days, becomes like the door to an unknown world. Sometimes it opens to beauty and sometimes it opens to horrifying things. The time between sleep and waking is an uncontrolled area where everything can happen, voices, noises, songs, flashes of images. During the sad times a pain in the chest will also happen before I wake up.

Today it was as if a good dream appears shortly. In that dream I brought two of my closest friends to a small waterfall, like a little pond in the forest. It was night time. They think the area is cooling and refreshing and we went into the water. Unfortunately, something woke me up from that beautiful dream, feeling like I was being pulled harshly away from it. It suddenly disappeared. 

Then, after the dream disappeared, songs came into my head. At first it doesn't seem to mean anything and then I heard a song that seem to be intended to worsen the pain in my heart. It was the same old kind of torment that I endured in this life over and over again. I hear songs in my head and I can't control it and sometimes they meant to remind me of something that will make me feel worse. Followed with chest pain, during the heaviest of depression, there is chest pain. As if there is a hollow inside of me. It is one of the most terrible things because sometimes this chest pain is a mixture between physical, emotional and spiritual feeling. Sometimes the heart feel physically hurt. Sometimes the soul feel so hollow and extremely miserable. 

I can't sleep deeply these days. But at least I hope the if the door opens, it will bring me somewhere nice. Those nice places are much better than my reality. 

I chuckled at the thought. Since I've become older adult, I'm not one blessed with too many good dreams anyway, rather one cursed with a lot of nightmare. It is unlikely anyway.

I want to take my medicine and sleep deeply. But as long as the unfinished and terribly overdue work is not done, I am chained, and I can't risk feeling anymore sleepier. Fatigue already lived inside my body and I fell asleep so often during the day. I don't want to take those medicine. But maybe...maybe when the pain is too much...I might take one and force myself to go outside to keep awake.

Dead ends and death thoughts

 

    I think I've come to the same cliff again, the same abyss, the one which I hoped wouldn't return. It seems that my life is always full of dead ends. It is the labyrinth without a way out, or maybe I'm just too stupid to see one. I remember I used to stand here, feeling abandoned by God and almost everyone. And you know, the only thought that would come, the frequent visitor, the old friend, is death.

So many people kill themselves these days and without pain they wouldn't have done so. And the usual thought that popped up, probably inspired by the Father of darkness, is "you are just one of them that need to die that way, you just one who struggled and struggled and struggled and in the end there was no way out except to die anyway. All you can do is just postponing it but in the end you'll see that there are no other better alternatives. All are dead ends. All are suffering. If you don't choose death you'll end up a pathetic beggar on the street that nobody cares. You've tried so hard for other choices, other options, but one day you'll know that they will lead to the same dead end, the cliff, the abyss." And there are so many who have chosen to die, it is very likely that I can be one of them, right? Why not? I am just another depressed adult in the forties with no house of her own, no save-up money, no stable career, no partner, no children After my parents die one day I  will have nothing to live for.  No joy in life. No realistic goal I can fulfill. No way for my dream to comes true. 

I wouldn't ask the Prince of Darkness to rebuilt my life with wealth or fulfillment because I don't want to end up in the worst place of the universe: Hell. But suicide might lead to a grey and joyless, lifeless place anyway.  But there are a bunch of souls there....sometimes I want to be with others who are depressed just the same, because those who are happy and lively wouldn't understand me anyway.  Sad souls should be with sad souls. 

I don't have a dog anymore. No wagging tail and face licking when I lie down sadly on the sofa. All I can do now is feed the birds and they greet me happily everyday, but those people here just try to stop me from feeding the birds, from doing the only thing that keep me alive in my darkness. I don't want to hate those people but sometimes I can't control my anger. 

The birds eat from me and they hungry stomachs are filled. I feed the birds and my heart is soothed from pain. And these people just say..."OH bird drops are so dirty!!!" They want their cleanliness and they don't care whether a person is dying of sadness or some birds are suffering from hunger. 

My clock is still ticking away....I am still counting backward to zero...hoping to find a way out of the labyrinth before it gets to zero. 

If I find none, I will jump into the abyss, since all the paths seem to lead me there anyway.