I met my friends today. They come to Cha-am to help out and celebrate a wedding of another friend which will be arranged tomorrow.
One thing that I won't forget about today is the feeling of peace and happiness to be around them. They are so beautiful in their own way, each one contains a little light that is unique to herself. As time has gone by and we all have grown older, we seem to have discovered our own pathway that leads to more happiness in life, one that is not just superficial and temporary pleasure. I really enjoy being surrounded by my friends. It reminds me of the truth that we are all ordinary people, making mistakes and doing stupid along the way, yet we are all special and beautiful children of God. Hope, love, and light will always exist somewhere within us.
I'm so glad that today the little room that I rent has the honour to welcome and serve my friends. I won't forget the warm feeling of seeing two of them asleep like babies on my bed, and one working deligently on my desk, yet still care to share the profound experience she had in her life with me.
Tomorrow, I won't go to the wedding with them because I choose to go to a retreat to reflect on a matter that is important to me. I'm excited that I'm about to have a real quiet time with God. But no matter what, I'm glad that today I was with my friends. It reminds me of another truth that I remember about life: solitude is good for the soul, but sharing love with others is also good for the soul too. That is why God has given us two commandments, love Him and love our fellow human beings.
Happy New Year to you all :)
Friday, 28 December 2012
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
First results of the experiment
Hypothesis: "Being Love" is what I should focus on and it will take care of everything.
Tools: me and my life
Methods: 1.Try "being love" in different kinds of situation.
2. Notice the results.
Results
There are two important points in the result.
- First point, when I can "be love" or "taking love point of view" toward my life or situations, the result is always wonderful. Fear lessened, pain lessened, even objects seem to love me back, situation suddenly flow smootly, peace of mind, etc.
- Second point, there are things that prevent me from "being love", so far these obstacles are:
So far, I can conclude that "being love" works very well with everything, but the problem is...I need to learn to be love toward hard stuff like my own mistakes, despair, nightmare, anxiety, and other negative things. I really have to forgive myself and learn to let go and start over. I will try to surrender to God's will more totally.
There will be more experiments in the future.
Tools: me and my life
Methods: 1.Try "being love" in different kinds of situation.
2. Notice the results.
Results
There are two important points in the result.
- First point, when I can "be love" or "taking love point of view" toward my life or situations, the result is always wonderful. Fear lessened, pain lessened, even objects seem to love me back, situation suddenly flow smootly, peace of mind, etc.
- Second point, there are things that prevent me from "being love", so far these obstacles are:
- When I kept doing the same mistakes over and over, although I try to love take the love point of view, the pain and the hopelessness was strong and stop me from trying to "be loving" toward my own shortcomings and weaknesses. My heart began to sink and get absorbed into the feeling of guilt and despair, things started to go down and collapse like dominoes.
- If I don't think of God, then it is hard for me to be loving. I have to remember Him at all time. Need to pray without ceasing.
- When I was hit with a sudden trial and totally forgot the idea about "being love," then anger get the best of me
So far, I can conclude that "being love" works very well with everything, but the problem is...I need to learn to be love toward hard stuff like my own mistakes, despair, nightmare, anxiety, and other negative things. I really have to forgive myself and learn to let go and start over. I will try to surrender to God's will more totally.
There will be more experiments in the future.
Monday, 17 December 2012
Deep Peace To You, Merry Christmas
When I was sixtenn years old and was an exchange student in America, I was a member of Mt. Ararat highschool Chamber Choir. I wasn't a Christian at that moment and didn't have any love or any knowledge about God, but I remember singing many beautiful songs about God with the choir. "Gaelic Blessing" was a song that I love so much and I felt very peaceful while singing it. The song has so much more meaning to me now for I have fallen in love with God and understand how precious is the 'Peace of Christ." The word "Christ" and "Light" reach highest notes; they sparkle and shine so beautifully at the end of the song. I don't know how to explain, but it truly represents how Christ is the supreme, the brightest light that is far above all good things of the earth.
Please read through the beautiful lyrics below and savour the peace with your imagination. There is also a link at the bottom to listen to the song sung by a choir. It reminds me so much of the happiness that I had while singing this song with the choir in my exchange-student year and I want to share this happiness with you. Merry Christmas in advance!
Please read through the beautiful lyrics below and savour the peace with your imagination. There is also a link at the bottom to listen to the song sung by a choir. It reminds me so much of the happiness that I had while singing this song with the choir in my exchange-student year and I want to share this happiness with you. Merry Christmas in advance!
Deep peace of the running wave to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you
Deep peace of the gentle night to you
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you
Deep Peace of Christ
The Light of the World
To you
Deep peace of Christ to you
Inspiration from Padre Pio
I went to a short meditation course this past weekend, but what was more precious to me than my meditation practice (which didn't seem to progress anywhere as usual) was an inspiration I received from the film about the life of Padre Pio. I'd heard about him for a long time but didn't feel anything that relate to me. But after that night, learning about his life, I was so deeply touched that I totally changed a big decision in my life. I cannot write about that decision down here, for it is between me and God. But I can write down other things that I collected into my heart from this film.
- There are truly great souls in the world, those who truly having Christ living in them. These great souls suffer so much for us because they share the pain of Christ crucifixion and they have to face with the Devil himself and all its attacks. Their responsibility is far bigger than most of us. Padre Pio is such a true beauty, true light. Even as a film, the light of his soul could be perceived and I realized how small, how tiny, how childish I am. I felt so ashamed for ever having any grand thoughts about myself or my life. I am truly nothing. And somehow...in that moment of realizing that truth...I feel so free, truly free. It is so right for me to be a small little soul in the hand of the Great God. Any big thoughts, any big dreams, are all illusions and false self. At that moment, when I felt myself growing so small, it was as if I found the right place where I belong.
- I believed there are great souls like this living with us even today. One of them is already in my life and I felt so sorry that I didn't even realize it or didn't trust what my heart told me from the beginning, although I have had his light shining down upon me many times.
- I want to be on of Padre Pio's daughters in spirit, I hope he doesn't mind ^_^
- There are truly great souls in the world, those who truly having Christ living in them. These great souls suffer so much for us because they share the pain of Christ crucifixion and they have to face with the Devil himself and all its attacks. Their responsibility is far bigger than most of us. Padre Pio is such a true beauty, true light. Even as a film, the light of his soul could be perceived and I realized how small, how tiny, how childish I am. I felt so ashamed for ever having any grand thoughts about myself or my life. I am truly nothing. And somehow...in that moment of realizing that truth...I feel so free, truly free. It is so right for me to be a small little soul in the hand of the Great God. Any big thoughts, any big dreams, are all illusions and false self. At that moment, when I felt myself growing so small, it was as if I found the right place where I belong.
- I believed there are great souls like this living with us even today. One of them is already in my life and I felt so sorry that I didn't even realize it or didn't trust what my heart told me from the beginning, although I have had his light shining down upon me many times.
- I want to be on of Padre Pio's daughters in spirit, I hope he doesn't mind ^_^
Thursday, 13 December 2012
A question in the middle of the night
There is a thought come up to me while I was half asleep, making me worried about the latest post that I wrote today, and before that I got some passages from the Bible that seem to point toward warning about wrong teachings.
But there are no confirmation after that, though.
I don't know if the message that occurred to me in the middle of the night was from the Devil or from God. So I decided to save the post as draft before I am certain that what I wrote will not harm anyone or does not contain any wrong ideas or beliefs.I will re-publish when I am certain. But I will permanently delete it if it's truly a wrong path and mistake on my understanding.
Dear God, please help me see the truth.
.....................................................................................................................................
Below is written on the morning after....
One of my own shortcomings that seem to affect my life so much is my undecisiveness. A lot of time it is better just to "choose" instead of going nowhere because of uncertainty, but I didn't do that. I often wave back and forth, and back and forth, and I can't be at peace, can't be still. So I will not do that anymore. I will trust and jump.
As for my last post "A New Path", I will bring it back, but will also add to it that I'm going to make more experiment. If the path is real and true, then I will discover that with the peace in my heart.
But there are no confirmation after that, though.
I don't know if the message that occurred to me in the middle of the night was from the Devil or from God. So I decided to save the post as draft before I am certain that what I wrote will not harm anyone or does not contain any wrong ideas or beliefs.I will re-publish when I am certain. But I will permanently delete it if it's truly a wrong path and mistake on my understanding.
Dear God, please help me see the truth.
.....................................................................................................................................
Below is written on the morning after....
One of my own shortcomings that seem to affect my life so much is my undecisiveness. A lot of time it is better just to "choose" instead of going nowhere because of uncertainty, but I didn't do that. I often wave back and forth, and back and forth, and I can't be at peace, can't be still. So I will not do that anymore. I will trust and jump.
As for my last post "A New Path", I will bring it back, but will also add to it that I'm going to make more experiment. If the path is real and true, then I will discover that with the peace in my heart.
A New Path
This post is written out of my own understanding and the things that happened to me. I am still doing more experiment on the path...to find out how much it works. So the information below the dotted line is not a complete certainty from me. Sorry, I forgot to ask God for the permission before I wrote it down, now I learn my lesson. But He encourages me to experiment the path, though. It's just that I shouldn't be sharing it on the blog so quickly.
......................................................................................................................................
I have to thank many people who gave me of words of wisdom and inspirations which helped me remember a situation that happened during the big flood in Bangkok last year. In that time, someone gave me a book. That book led me to experiment something....a new path...a new way to look at all things. All that I have to focus on is being "Love" (not doing, but "being"). I tried that experiment and everything fell into the right place. I was able to help my parents on the morning when the flood came so close to our house. Everything flew so smoothly and I had not fear nor worry inside me. Amazing things happen just because I focus on "being love." The Holy Spirit seems to be with me when I turn myself toward that direction.
Afterward, I was thinking about discussing this book with others but then I had some doubts. I started to think that the book doesn't belong to the traditional church and it might not be so reliable. I kept postponing the decision to talk about it for like a year. Until one day, I asked Jesus "Is it really you talking in this book? I really need to know. Please let me know." Then the situation seemed to point me toward someone, so I let him read part of the book. And he told me that there was no doubt that it is the words of God. And a week later, he also helped me focus on something that seem to point me toward this direction. In the same week, the Word of God that I received from the priest also point toward the same thing. Suddenly, I understand now that God had answered my prayer. It is truly Jesus speaking in this book. I should no longer doubt it, and the new path I discovered during the flood is something I should continue on walking.
It is not an easy path, just like every other paths toward the Light, but I feel like I'm in love with it already. I know that I'll be making thousands of mistakes and will fail and fail over, but I'll try anyway. The path seems to free me from the complexity of rules, laws, and the trap of fear. It connects me to the whole world, not just one particular religion. There is true freedom hidden in "the truth" spoken in this book and I'm so glad that Jesus has given this path to us. I don't have to hate or fear or judge anything, but just accept it and love it and it will not harm me. "Being love" seems to automatically stop a person from sinning away because all sins are unloving, to others or to oneself. I don't have to focus too much on the sin, just focus on the love. In this book, Jesus says that Love Commands All Things, be it people, animal, living things, inanimated objects, natural disaster, etc. And I tried that during the flood last year, it was so true! Even a copy machine or a metal cap of a balm responds to love.
Different paths are for different people. I remember a word of wisdom that my godmother and another wise person at the church told me: you can't walk on the path of another, you have to find your own, God has created people to be different organs of one big body. We will be cooperating but we can't play the roles that are not made for us.
Here is the book I'm talking about...written many years ago...full of Jesus' teachings for the New World.
......................................................................................................................................
I have to thank many people who gave me of words of wisdom and inspirations which helped me remember a situation that happened during the big flood in Bangkok last year. In that time, someone gave me a book. That book led me to experiment something....a new path...a new way to look at all things. All that I have to focus on is being "Love" (not doing, but "being"). I tried that experiment and everything fell into the right place. I was able to help my parents on the morning when the flood came so close to our house. Everything flew so smoothly and I had not fear nor worry inside me. Amazing things happen just because I focus on "being love." The Holy Spirit seems to be with me when I turn myself toward that direction.
Afterward, I was thinking about discussing this book with others but then I had some doubts. I started to think that the book doesn't belong to the traditional church and it might not be so reliable. I kept postponing the decision to talk about it for like a year. Until one day, I asked Jesus "Is it really you talking in this book? I really need to know. Please let me know." Then the situation seemed to point me toward someone, so I let him read part of the book. And he told me that there was no doubt that it is the words of God. And a week later, he also helped me focus on something that seem to point me toward this direction. In the same week, the Word of God that I received from the priest also point toward the same thing. Suddenly, I understand now that God had answered my prayer. It is truly Jesus speaking in this book. I should no longer doubt it, and the new path I discovered during the flood is something I should continue on walking.
It is not an easy path, just like every other paths toward the Light, but I feel like I'm in love with it already. I know that I'll be making thousands of mistakes and will fail and fail over, but I'll try anyway. The path seems to free me from the complexity of rules, laws, and the trap of fear. It connects me to the whole world, not just one particular religion. There is true freedom hidden in "the truth" spoken in this book and I'm so glad that Jesus has given this path to us. I don't have to hate or fear or judge anything, but just accept it and love it and it will not harm me. "Being love" seems to automatically stop a person from sinning away because all sins are unloving, to others or to oneself. I don't have to focus too much on the sin, just focus on the love. In this book, Jesus says that Love Commands All Things, be it people, animal, living things, inanimated objects, natural disaster, etc. And I tried that during the flood last year, it was so true! Even a copy machine or a metal cap of a balm responds to love.
Different paths are for different people. I remember a word of wisdom that my godmother and another wise person at the church told me: you can't walk on the path of another, you have to find your own, God has created people to be different organs of one big body. We will be cooperating but we can't play the roles that are not made for us.
Here is the book I'm talking about...written many years ago...full of Jesus' teachings for the New World.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
หัวใจเรายิ้มได้เอง
ในวันที่ 5 ธันวาคมที่ผ่านมา ฉันได้มีโอกาสรอรับเสด็จฯตอนก่อนที่ในหลวงของเราเลี้ยวรถกลับเข้าสู่โรงพยาบาลศิริราช และในวันที่ 7 ธันวาคมก็ได้มีโอกาสอีกครั้งตอนที่ท่านนั่งรถออกจากโรงพยาบาลเพื่อที่จะเสด็จไปที่วัดอนงคารามและบ้านจำลองของสมเด็จย่า สิ่งหนึ่งที่ฉันจดจำได้คือ วินาทีที่ได้เห็นท่านนั่งอยู่ในรถฉันยิ้มออกมาได้เองโดยที่ไม่รู้ว่าทำไม และหัวใจก็รู้สึกอบอุ่นมีความสุข โดยที่ไม่รู้ว่าเพราะอะไรเหมือนกัน ฉันยกมือขึ้นโบกและกระโดดตัวลอย ราวกับว่ากำลังทักทายกับบุคคลที่ฉันรู้จักดีและเคารพรักมานาน เชื่อว่าหลายๆคนก็คงรู้สึกเช่นนี้ไม่แตกต่างกัน
ฉันเชื่อว่าถ้าบุคคลผู้หนึ่งมีจิตวิญญาณที่สูงส่งงดงาม ทำแต่คุณงามความดีมาตลอดชีวิต ในตัวของบุคคลผู้นั้นจะมีแสงสว่างหรือรัศมีที่เปล่งประกายออกมาจนใครๆก็สัมผัสได้ ความรักที่ในหลวงทรงมีให้กับประชาชนคนไทยตลอดระยะเวลาอันยาวนานหลายปีนั้น เป็นเหมือนสายใยเล็กๆที่มองไม่เห็น เชื่อมโยงระหว่างหัวใจของพระองค์และหัวใจของเรา แม้ว่าจะไม่เคยได้พบปะพูดคุยกัน แต่ก็เหมือนกับว่ารู้จักกันมานาน ในหลวงของเราคือหัวใจของแผ่นดิน ส่งความรักหล่อเลี้ยงกับหัวใจของเราคนไทยตลอดมาและในบางครั้ง การที่ได้มองภาพของพระองค์บนปฏิทิน หรือเห็นพระองค์ในจอโทรทัศน์ ก็มากพอที่จะทำให้เราตั้งใจจะพยายามเป็นคนดีต่อไป เพราะหัวใจของเรารับรู้ได้ว่ามีความดีงามอยู่บนโลกนี้จริงๆ พระมหากษัตริย์ที่มีหัวใจที่แสนประเสริฐยืนอยู่บนแผ่นดินของเราจริงๆ พระองค์เหน็ดเหนื่อยและต้องพบเจอกับอุปสรรคมากมายมาตลอดชีวิต แต่พระองค์ก็ยังคงทำแต่สิ่งดีงามเช่นนี้เสมอตลอดมา เพราะฉะนั้นเราก็ไม่ควรย่อท้อที่จะพยายามทำสิ่งดีๆตลอดไปเช่นกัน
อยากให้แสงสว่างยิ่งใหญ่ดวงนี้ส่องอยู่บนแผ่นดินของเราตลอดไป ทรงพระเจริญค่ะ
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
When can I be a giver?
Just a short note to say thank you to all my teachers at the church. It seems that I always take from you but I don't know how to give back. Doing small things for others with love is what God wants me to cultivate in myself but I still fail terribly. (Sometimes I really feel hopeless about myself on this matter. I don't seem to improve although a year has passed) I know I should be more kind, helpful, paying attention to others, lending a helping hand. But what usually happens is that I mostly miss the opportunities to do all that and because I'm all stuck with the thoughts inside my head. I wasn't at the present moment.
Anyway, I just simply want to say thank you for all the wisdoms and advice, and the time that you spend with me. I also want to apologize for I still don't know how to return the good things back to you. I don't know when I can be a giver, but in the mean times, I believe God bless you all tremendously, though.
I wish that you would tell me how I can be of some help. Just let me know and I'll do it. I'm not good at offering help or doing something without being asked to, but I just simply want to do something for you in return, really.
Don't know why I write this note here, either. You probably don't get to see them
But...this is My Resting Place so I just write what makes me feel more at peace.
Anyway, I just simply want to say thank you for all the wisdoms and advice, and the time that you spend with me. I also want to apologize for I still don't know how to return the good things back to you. I don't know when I can be a giver, but in the mean times, I believe God bless you all tremendously, though.
I wish that you would tell me how I can be of some help. Just let me know and I'll do it. I'm not good at offering help or doing something without being asked to, but I just simply want to do something for you in return, really.
Don't know why I write this note here, either. You probably don't get to see them
But...this is My Resting Place so I just write what makes me feel more at peace.
Transcendental Peace
Let me write this one down so that can remember what life has taught me lately.
There is a verse from the Bible saying "...and the peace of Christ, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Jesus Christ"
I remember such peace that came through me from various situations and it seems to be a guiding light that can show me whether something is from the Lord. I am a naturally unpeaceful person, always worry, always complain, always rush. But once in a while, God sent me such wonderful peace through my mind and I learn to notice that it is the peace of Christ, not of me, not of this world. It is truly a gift, a helping hand, from God and doesn't occur from my own effort.
There are different kinds of circumstance that I experience such peace:
- Peace of surrendering: in the middle of trouble that I can't avoid, and I just don't know what to do to make it go away, and I cry in bitterness and pain, sometimes God would pity my troubleful heart and just grant me the peace of surrendering, suddenly my heart would realize somehow that I can just let go, and let God, accepting everything that He places on my plate. Such peace came so suddenly after a desperate prayer. A heart that shouts "why this thing has to happen to me! Please make it go away!" suddenly grow mellow and calm and just simply...surrender. I just know that it wasn't me, it was God that touches my heart with a balm of peace.
-Peace from the Word of God: when I reach something and the message speaks so clearly to me about the situation that I'm in or the question that I ask, there is so much peace inside my heart which confirms me right away that it comes from God and if I follow the instruction, I would be doing His will and I don't have to worry about anything. It only happens sometimes, but everytime is so precious. The Word of God that comes through others can have profound effect of peace to the heart as well. Last week, a priest spoke only a few words to me but it echoed all through my heart and lit it up with so much light. The few words totally opened my eyes to see the answers for the questions I've been asking for a long time, all in just a second! My eyes were brimmed with tears for my heart can breathe so much peace and happiness at that moment, all my worries disappear.
-Peace of forgiving: In the middle of a fight or in the middle of a situation that someone is intentionally hurt me with words or actions, God sometimes protects my heart with His peace. When this happens, I still feel the pain, but there is less or no bitterness against the person who hurts me. It is like an invisible Hand was holding my heart and separating another me out of that situation. There are two of me. One who is experiencing the pain and one who is watching it and trying to do the right thing, the best thing. Sometimes I am able to apologize because God grants me such peace. It is all God's grace. I'm not able to do that by myself, really. There was one situation that a person was hurting me badly but I experience only sorrow, but no bitterness or anger toward the person at all, just pure sorrow, deep sorrow. Somehow, God held my heart at that moment and helped me see why this person did such a thing to me, and I had no bitterness against the person at all. This is also a peace of Christ, I didn't know how I could survive that situation without Him. I wish that it would occur more often though, because anger and bitterness is often a part of my emotional problem. If I don't pray, I often get lost in my own negative thoughts and feelings about others.
- Peace of contentment: This is a peace that occurs out of nowhere and there is no explanation. It helps me feel happy about everything and everyone. It helps me to see beauty in an ordinary day. It helps me to see that life is beautiful and people are wonderful. We are all sinners but we are also God's children and I can feel my love for everyone. This kind of peace is such a wonderful, wonderful gift. My heart would feel so light and so content. This peace helps me want nothing and realize that what I am having in front of me is already a blessing. Sadly, it never lasted more than a day or half a day, but no matter what, I would treasure such moments of peace in my heart always. I could never forget such a gift from God.
-Peace of the soul: this is so hard to explain, it happens at night and upon waking up, only a few times in my life. It felt as if there is light living within you. That light relaxes your tense-up body and stressful mind with such wonderful peace that I can't explain. One time it came like a wave of warmth passing from my toe to my head and seeping into my heart. Before I fell asleep that night I was crying so hard, but when such peace came, I no longer felt any pain or sadness. It was as if God stays "inside" my heart, body, and soul. He was "within." Another time, I felt a light within my heart as I was about to wake up, and I felt that the light has been holding me all through the night, protecting me from bad dreams and any evil spirits, and that the light welcomes me to the new morning with love.
All these experiences about peace shows me one very true thing: Jesus Christ is the one I have to rely upon and God is really there to help us when we need Him. We cannot make it without Him.
There is a verse from the Bible saying "...and the peace of Christ, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Jesus Christ"
I remember such peace that came through me from various situations and it seems to be a guiding light that can show me whether something is from the Lord. I am a naturally unpeaceful person, always worry, always complain, always rush. But once in a while, God sent me such wonderful peace through my mind and I learn to notice that it is the peace of Christ, not of me, not of this world. It is truly a gift, a helping hand, from God and doesn't occur from my own effort.
There are different kinds of circumstance that I experience such peace:
- Peace of surrendering: in the middle of trouble that I can't avoid, and I just don't know what to do to make it go away, and I cry in bitterness and pain, sometimes God would pity my troubleful heart and just grant me the peace of surrendering, suddenly my heart would realize somehow that I can just let go, and let God, accepting everything that He places on my plate. Such peace came so suddenly after a desperate prayer. A heart that shouts "why this thing has to happen to me! Please make it go away!" suddenly grow mellow and calm and just simply...surrender. I just know that it wasn't me, it was God that touches my heart with a balm of peace.
-Peace from the Word of God: when I reach something and the message speaks so clearly to me about the situation that I'm in or the question that I ask, there is so much peace inside my heart which confirms me right away that it comes from God and if I follow the instruction, I would be doing His will and I don't have to worry about anything. It only happens sometimes, but everytime is so precious. The Word of God that comes through others can have profound effect of peace to the heart as well. Last week, a priest spoke only a few words to me but it echoed all through my heart and lit it up with so much light. The few words totally opened my eyes to see the answers for the questions I've been asking for a long time, all in just a second! My eyes were brimmed with tears for my heart can breathe so much peace and happiness at that moment, all my worries disappear.
-Peace of forgiving: In the middle of a fight or in the middle of a situation that someone is intentionally hurt me with words or actions, God sometimes protects my heart with His peace. When this happens, I still feel the pain, but there is less or no bitterness against the person who hurts me. It is like an invisible Hand was holding my heart and separating another me out of that situation. There are two of me. One who is experiencing the pain and one who is watching it and trying to do the right thing, the best thing. Sometimes I am able to apologize because God grants me such peace. It is all God's grace. I'm not able to do that by myself, really. There was one situation that a person was hurting me badly but I experience only sorrow, but no bitterness or anger toward the person at all, just pure sorrow, deep sorrow. Somehow, God held my heart at that moment and helped me see why this person did such a thing to me, and I had no bitterness against the person at all. This is also a peace of Christ, I didn't know how I could survive that situation without Him. I wish that it would occur more often though, because anger and bitterness is often a part of my emotional problem. If I don't pray, I often get lost in my own negative thoughts and feelings about others.
- Peace of contentment: This is a peace that occurs out of nowhere and there is no explanation. It helps me feel happy about everything and everyone. It helps me to see beauty in an ordinary day. It helps me to see that life is beautiful and people are wonderful. We are all sinners but we are also God's children and I can feel my love for everyone. This kind of peace is such a wonderful, wonderful gift. My heart would feel so light and so content. This peace helps me want nothing and realize that what I am having in front of me is already a blessing. Sadly, it never lasted more than a day or half a day, but no matter what, I would treasure such moments of peace in my heart always. I could never forget such a gift from God.
-Peace of the soul: this is so hard to explain, it happens at night and upon waking up, only a few times in my life. It felt as if there is light living within you. That light relaxes your tense-up body and stressful mind with such wonderful peace that I can't explain. One time it came like a wave of warmth passing from my toe to my head and seeping into my heart. Before I fell asleep that night I was crying so hard, but when such peace came, I no longer felt any pain or sadness. It was as if God stays "inside" my heart, body, and soul. He was "within." Another time, I felt a light within my heart as I was about to wake up, and I felt that the light has been holding me all through the night, protecting me from bad dreams and any evil spirits, and that the light welcomes me to the new morning with love.
All these experiences about peace shows me one very true thing: Jesus Christ is the one I have to rely upon and God is really there to help us when we need Him. We cannot make it without Him.
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
One drop of darkness can cause big trouble
Just a shortnote to remind myself about what I still have to keep on improving. Years ago, I didn't know how terrible the effect can be when you talk negatively about someone, whether they are someone you know or don't know. I would just enjoy the gossip the conversation with friends and family, or pouring my anger out so that my friends can console me.
Now I learn more and more how such wave of darkness can continue on and create more darkness far and wide and will return also to hit myself. I try to be careful about words and learn that speak too little is better than too much, because when you speak without mindfulness you can sin and sin ad sin.
However, getting rid of a habit is not that easy. I'm trying harder than before but every now and then I still slip some negative words about others, and it would be too late to take it back. No matter how few, the words will form a negativity inside another person's mind and will continue on to cause more darkness somewhere else, and I'm sure that it will return to me in some form. It was just a few words, but still, it's darkness.
I pray that God would help me overcome this. Now I can see how dark this kind of thing can be and I wish that I can escape them. And I wish I can tell those close to me of the terrible darkness that can come out from words...but sadly, some still don't understand and still ask me to join such conversation...and sadly, I still have not mastered the art of avoiding that....trying hard, though.
Now I learn more and more how such wave of darkness can continue on and create more darkness far and wide and will return also to hit myself. I try to be careful about words and learn that speak too little is better than too much, because when you speak without mindfulness you can sin and sin ad sin.
However, getting rid of a habit is not that easy. I'm trying harder than before but every now and then I still slip some negative words about others, and it would be too late to take it back. No matter how few, the words will form a negativity inside another person's mind and will continue on to cause more darkness somewhere else, and I'm sure that it will return to me in some form. It was just a few words, but still, it's darkness.
I pray that God would help me overcome this. Now I can see how dark this kind of thing can be and I wish that I can escape them. And I wish I can tell those close to me of the terrible darkness that can come out from words...but sadly, some still don't understand and still ask me to join such conversation...and sadly, I still have not mastered the art of avoiding that....trying hard, though.
The problem about "wanting"
I've heard somewhere long ago, to want or desire something is the root of pain, suffering, and our attachment to the Earth. Because we have separated in our mind that there is something that we "want" and something that we "don't want." When we "want" something but we can't have it, then we begin to feel unhappy.
Yet, one might say that if one wants the right things, life can be good. For example, wanting to be a good person, wanting to live a life that is harmless to the Earth, wanting to go to Heaven, wanting to reach Nirvana or become a saint, etc. It is true that these kinds of desire can be better than wanting to have all the worldly pleasures and wanting to do all evil ways. However...they are still "wanting" right? And if we strive and then we fail to have what we want, will pain and suffering be the result as well?
If a Buddhist monk wants so much to reach Nirvana, then he won't be able to reach it, until he let go of that desire. This is a story that I heard. I guess this might apply as well to about the desire to attain sainthood in Christianity.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a thought about this flashed into my mind. It seems that God want me to think about this. I have had a period of time that I got lost into a belief that attaining sainthood should be what I strive forward to and I should not settle for something any lower than that...but then big guilt struck me and I have to go to confession. Who am I to judge? I should just live my life and follow God's will in every single little things in my life (that...in itself...is hard enough) and trust Him that He will lead me to my destiny, and also trust that the place, the plan, and the thing He wants me to become is certainly "the best", for God knows me better than I know myself.
Then...another thought flashes into my mind. You can have a desire...if it is a true calling deep inside your soul. But once you have discovered that desire...just place it softly on the Hand of the Father, then pray and do your best on your path without thinking whether you will have what you desire. Just pray and trust and try. That's all.
Many years ago, I remember myself standing on the top of a hill above the sea and watching the sun setting into the vast blue ocean below. My mind was so much at peace, deep, deep peace. At one moment, I felt a desire so deep within, a desire to be completely free from all kinds of bodies, from all kinds of identities, and become one with all things and at the same time be nothing. I still remember that yearning deep within my soul, and I know that it was a true yearning. I had the desire not because anyone or anything in the world told me that it is good, but the desire seemed to spring from deep within and I could feel that God acknowledged it.
I mustn't let that desire become a "wanting" which will also causes pain and suffering. If the road ahead and everything on it make me feel that I am so farwary from that goal, I shouldn't cry or complain, but trust and trust...that God has already heard my prayer, one that comes from the very core of my being. His way, His path, His plan are perfect and wise beyond human understanding. His timing is perfect as well. And most of all...His love...is unconditional and never wither, the only thing in the universe that you can really trust and rely on.
Hmmm....I should come back and read this once in a while, for In know how silly and weak I can be, and along this road, when I forget this truth, I usually cry like a baby! ^^
Yet, one might say that if one wants the right things, life can be good. For example, wanting to be a good person, wanting to live a life that is harmless to the Earth, wanting to go to Heaven, wanting to reach Nirvana or become a saint, etc. It is true that these kinds of desire can be better than wanting to have all the worldly pleasures and wanting to do all evil ways. However...they are still "wanting" right? And if we strive and then we fail to have what we want, will pain and suffering be the result as well?
If a Buddhist monk wants so much to reach Nirvana, then he won't be able to reach it, until he let go of that desire. This is a story that I heard. I guess this might apply as well to about the desire to attain sainthood in Christianity.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a thought about this flashed into my mind. It seems that God want me to think about this. I have had a period of time that I got lost into a belief that attaining sainthood should be what I strive forward to and I should not settle for something any lower than that...but then big guilt struck me and I have to go to confession. Who am I to judge? I should just live my life and follow God's will in every single little things in my life (that...in itself...is hard enough) and trust Him that He will lead me to my destiny, and also trust that the place, the plan, and the thing He wants me to become is certainly "the best", for God knows me better than I know myself.
Then...another thought flashes into my mind. You can have a desire...if it is a true calling deep inside your soul. But once you have discovered that desire...just place it softly on the Hand of the Father, then pray and do your best on your path without thinking whether you will have what you desire. Just pray and trust and try. That's all.
Many years ago, I remember myself standing on the top of a hill above the sea and watching the sun setting into the vast blue ocean below. My mind was so much at peace, deep, deep peace. At one moment, I felt a desire so deep within, a desire to be completely free from all kinds of bodies, from all kinds of identities, and become one with all things and at the same time be nothing. I still remember that yearning deep within my soul, and I know that it was a true yearning. I had the desire not because anyone or anything in the world told me that it is good, but the desire seemed to spring from deep within and I could feel that God acknowledged it.
I mustn't let that desire become a "wanting" which will also causes pain and suffering. If the road ahead and everything on it make me feel that I am so farwary from that goal, I shouldn't cry or complain, but trust and trust...that God has already heard my prayer, one that comes from the very core of my being. His way, His path, His plan are perfect and wise beyond human understanding. His timing is perfect as well. And most of all...His love...is unconditional and never wither, the only thing in the universe that you can really trust and rely on.
Hmmm....I should come back and read this once in a while, for In know how silly and weak I can be, and along this road, when I forget this truth, I usually cry like a baby! ^^
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