I have heard people say that if you really look into the dark, you will see the light in it. These people seem to be really serious about what they say. So, I just think that I will try to look a little more carefully this time, in the new blanket of darkness that has fallen on me. I used to see that light somewhere in the past, I need to try to remember how I was able to see it.
The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.
I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.
Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.
But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.
But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.
And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.
My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.
Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...
Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Monday, 25 November 2013
A Truly Touching Performance...
Having been in quite a particularly long episode of chronic depression, part of my survival technique is to give myself simple things that it can enjoy so I watched some singing performances from show like "The Voice Thailand" and went through the last year's show as well. Then I found this performance, singing by a transexual lady. It was a sad song. And the way she performed it, I could feel the sadness and suffering coming out of her soul. It flowed like a river and touched everyone's heart. A deep, deep sympathy occurred inside of me. I could never imagine what she went through in her life, as well as the lives of millions women in the world who have received cruel treatment from men, terrible betrayal and severe heartache that almost drive them to insanity.My own pain would be so tiny comparing to theirs. I am one who is afraid to love wholeheartedly, always shielding myself inside the wall so that when the pain comes it will not be too overwhelming. Some women, when they love, they love with their whole heart and soul, they gave their everything. And when that love was trampled under someone's foot...I could not imagine the suffering inside their soul.
Then, I felt the light. Throughout yesterday and today, I didn't feel any light inside of me until that moment. It appeared inside my soul. It appeared because of that deep sympathy and because my soul prayed for this lady and those like hers all around the world.
I hate it when people try to counsel me with words like "hey, my pain is bigger than yours" or "hey, you are not the only one suffering so stop complaining." Yes, it may be true but it is a cruel thing to say to one who is in agony. You don't have to say it. It is better not to say it. But...an expression of real sadness, extreme sadness, can uplift another acheful heart...this is a strange way that the world works. But it's so true.
Many years ago, I wouldn't have imagined that one day I would be in a position that I wish some memory to be totally erased from my brain. The whole memory of something. For it is like a dark cancer inside of me, biting away everything. I need to treat them every now and them before it spread all over and bring myself to death.
I didn't imagine, either, that one day I would understand what is like...to totally wish that you had never known some people, wishing that you could go back to the day that you have never known them....
To really see, and feel, and understand (but not by being told or preached to) that there are many who also feel this suffering...is a comforting thought.
I wasn't the only one touched by this performance. It was one of the winning performances of the night. It wasn't "the voice" that wins, but it was "the heart."
Click here if you want to see this performance.
Then, I felt the light. Throughout yesterday and today, I didn't feel any light inside of me until that moment. It appeared inside my soul. It appeared because of that deep sympathy and because my soul prayed for this lady and those like hers all around the world.
I hate it when people try to counsel me with words like "hey, my pain is bigger than yours" or "hey, you are not the only one suffering so stop complaining." Yes, it may be true but it is a cruel thing to say to one who is in agony. You don't have to say it. It is better not to say it. But...an expression of real sadness, extreme sadness, can uplift another acheful heart...this is a strange way that the world works. But it's so true.
Many years ago, I wouldn't have imagined that one day I would be in a position that I wish some memory to be totally erased from my brain. The whole memory of something. For it is like a dark cancer inside of me, biting away everything. I need to treat them every now and them before it spread all over and bring myself to death.
I didn't imagine, either, that one day I would understand what is like...to totally wish that you had never known some people, wishing that you could go back to the day that you have never known them....
To really see, and feel, and understand (but not by being told or preached to) that there are many who also feel this suffering...is a comforting thought.
I wasn't the only one touched by this performance. It was one of the winning performances of the night. It wasn't "the voice" that wins, but it was "the heart."
Click here if you want to see this performance.
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
A Poem of Misery
One good thing about pain and suffering is...they attract the muse of poetry. They guide your hand and your heart to write... write in order to survive.
Haven't written a poem for so many years, so glad that I can still do it.
*********************************************************************
Haven't written a poem for so many years, so glad that I can still do it.
*********************************************************************
Must survive the day
and the silence
and the aching of the heart
and the internal tears
(oh dear, they're not internal anymore
and the silence
and the aching of the heart
and the internal tears
(oh dear, they're not internal anymore
my cheek is wet.)
Must tell myself
to wait and wait
until my weak heart become stone
unti the tears turn into ice
until all the hopes and dreams
struggling to survive
like fishes in the net out of the sea
become totally dead and dried
illusion must die, illusion must die
there is no reason to stay
admit that life is a song of misery
and hopes are foolish as always.
Now get up, get up
for some people are not worthty enough
for you to care
they will never be there
But look around, look and see
you can make some other people
happy today.
Learn to never trust again
Learn from this betrayal and pain
But remember also
that you must stick to your role
that you must keep the rule of gold
to continue loving
to continue giving
to continue living and breathing
For Someone is really waiting at the door
When the story ends
When the story ends
Must tell myself
to wait and wait
until my weak heart become stone
unti the tears turn into ice
until all the hopes and dreams
struggling to survive
like fishes in the net out of the sea
become totally dead and dried
illusion must die, illusion must die
there is no reason to stay
admit that life is a song of misery
and hopes are foolish as always.
Now get up, get up
for some people are not worthty enough
for you to care
they will never be there
But look around, look and see
you can make some other people
happy today.
Learn to never trust again
Learn from this betrayal and pain
But remember also
that you must stick to your role
that you must keep the rule of gold
to continue loving
to continue giving
to continue living and breathing
For Someone is really waiting at the door
When the story ends
When the story ends
Friday, 1 November 2013
important questions to consider
So far, after a few breaks from this current terrible period of depression, I think I need to consider these questions carefully.
1. What really makes life happy?
2. Is being happy is truly the goal of life? Or is it paying the debts and accepting the misery and expecting to be happy in the next life is truly the goal of life?
3. Is accepting that life is miserable the right way to live?
4. Are there any alternatives other than accepting the misery?
5. Are there ways to accept sufferings in life with peace in our heart? (very important)
6. Instead of accepting that life is suffering, can we believe instead that life is truly beautiful in every aspect if we know how to look at it?
7. Instead of accepting that life will always be full of sufferings, can we keep on believing that one day it will get better and we will be happy at last? Or is that a foolish wish?
I found that the path of Protestant Christianity and Catholic are different in this matter. And now I really want to find these answers out. It should be helpful in deciding what kind of life I want to live and what kind of view I should take for my life. And for question no.5, I think some Buddhism teachings might be needed.
The reason that number 5 is important is because...lately I think I can't escape sufferings. Some of them, I can accept with peace of mind, but some are just...unbearable. The second group of sufferings, I really need to find ways to deal with them, because I think that I am not any useful, whether to God or to other people, when my heart is down and depressed. I can remember that my prayer and my physical self worked more effectively for others when there is peace and joy inside my heart.
On my trip to Lourdes, I found moments when there was peace in my heart in the midst of sufferings. And I could feel that my prayer for others were effective in that moment. But now, here in my home land, in my same old life, there is another kind of suffering that I can't bear. It means that I can't find any peace or joy inside my heart. I almost can't pray or do my regular work. That's why I need to find peace inside of me while I'm taking these suffereings or otherwise I need to find ways to remove or transform these sufferings. I can't go on like this.
From my experience, there are those whose life are full of blessings. They have sufferings only from time to time. Their life are full of love and good deeds for others. Their life are full of joy and peace most of the time. These people believe that God meant for human to be happy, even right here on Earth. Life is full of God's love which are expressed in so many things surrounding us, in the joy of children's laughter, in the sunlight, in the love that we share with one another.
And there are those saints, their life are full of so much of extreme sufferings. They do it for penance, paying their own debts and the debts of sin for others. Some say that this is the best way to live. For you won't have to go purgatory afterward for you pay it all here in this life, and you can help a lot of suffering souls. People who believe in this path seem to say...don't expect happiness on Earth. Expect it only after you die.
The question is....hmm...so which way is correct?
It is really confusing to me because so far...I have had experience when God answered me that both are correct! But I just don't understand....
I wish someone would answer this post...all comments are welcomed. I'm at dead end.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day has passed after the above was written, and I received an answer about something. God gave me a prove I can't deny that suffering in order to do penance for souls in purgatory is real. The prove was given directly to me as an experience and it was very clear. I also remember that another prove had already been given to me in Lourdes, and another one was given to me some months ago. Now I can't deny this truth and I want to be a witness of it for the Lord Jesus Christ and for the Catholic Church.
Now I just realize from experience that the Lord can take away or add pain / suffering into our body and mind any time that He wishes to. When it was too much to bear, He can remove all of the suffering inside of you in just an instance, like magic. When you want to do penance and ask to the Lord to let you have the chance to suffer, He gave it hard and long...and in a way that you know that it comes from God, not just your usual physical pain.
I realize now that I can only take some physical pain, not emotional one. People have different threshold for different kind of pain.
1. What really makes life happy?
2. Is being happy is truly the goal of life? Or is it paying the debts and accepting the misery and expecting to be happy in the next life is truly the goal of life?
3. Is accepting that life is miserable the right way to live?
4. Are there any alternatives other than accepting the misery?
5. Are there ways to accept sufferings in life with peace in our heart? (very important)
6. Instead of accepting that life is suffering, can we believe instead that life is truly beautiful in every aspect if we know how to look at it?
7. Instead of accepting that life will always be full of sufferings, can we keep on believing that one day it will get better and we will be happy at last? Or is that a foolish wish?
I found that the path of Protestant Christianity and Catholic are different in this matter. And now I really want to find these answers out. It should be helpful in deciding what kind of life I want to live and what kind of view I should take for my life. And for question no.5, I think some Buddhism teachings might be needed.
The reason that number 5 is important is because...lately I think I can't escape sufferings. Some of them, I can accept with peace of mind, but some are just...unbearable. The second group of sufferings, I really need to find ways to deal with them, because I think that I am not any useful, whether to God or to other people, when my heart is down and depressed. I can remember that my prayer and my physical self worked more effectively for others when there is peace and joy inside my heart.
On my trip to Lourdes, I found moments when there was peace in my heart in the midst of sufferings. And I could feel that my prayer for others were effective in that moment. But now, here in my home land, in my same old life, there is another kind of suffering that I can't bear. It means that I can't find any peace or joy inside my heart. I almost can't pray or do my regular work. That's why I need to find peace inside of me while I'm taking these suffereings or otherwise I need to find ways to remove or transform these sufferings. I can't go on like this.
From my experience, there are those whose life are full of blessings. They have sufferings only from time to time. Their life are full of love and good deeds for others. Their life are full of joy and peace most of the time. These people believe that God meant for human to be happy, even right here on Earth. Life is full of God's love which are expressed in so many things surrounding us, in the joy of children's laughter, in the sunlight, in the love that we share with one another.
And there are those saints, their life are full of so much of extreme sufferings. They do it for penance, paying their own debts and the debts of sin for others. Some say that this is the best way to live. For you won't have to go purgatory afterward for you pay it all here in this life, and you can help a lot of suffering souls. People who believe in this path seem to say...don't expect happiness on Earth. Expect it only after you die.
The question is....hmm...so which way is correct?
It is really confusing to me because so far...I have had experience when God answered me that both are correct! But I just don't understand....
I wish someone would answer this post...all comments are welcomed. I'm at dead end.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day has passed after the above was written, and I received an answer about something. God gave me a prove I can't deny that suffering in order to do penance for souls in purgatory is real. The prove was given directly to me as an experience and it was very clear. I also remember that another prove had already been given to me in Lourdes, and another one was given to me some months ago. Now I can't deny this truth and I want to be a witness of it for the Lord Jesus Christ and for the Catholic Church.
Now I just realize from experience that the Lord can take away or add pain / suffering into our body and mind any time that He wishes to. When it was too much to bear, He can remove all of the suffering inside of you in just an instance, like magic. When you want to do penance and ask to the Lord to let you have the chance to suffer, He gave it hard and long...and in a way that you know that it comes from God, not just your usual physical pain.
I realize now that I can only take some physical pain, not emotional one. People have different threshold for different kind of pain.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Movie Reviews: Choosing Love instead of Hate :)
I have just watched two very precious movies. One is a children film "How to Train Your Dragon." The other one is the acclaimed musical film "Les Miserables." Although quite different in the mood and tone, both films deliver a beautiful theme: if you choose love instead of hatred, amazing things can happen.
The film also has beautiful cinematography, excellent cast, and of course so many, many beautiful songs. (Oh I love them!)
These days, it is not easy to find movies with so much light shining through. I must say that many movies in our world contain poison and darkness, but not these two. They are made to send out the light to your heart.
Clicke here for a trailer of Les Miserables:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r8F3_Pvw3g
Clicke here for a trailer of How to Train Your Dragon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88x08ePynt0
Holding On
A hard week...full of disapponitment, despair, nigthmares, and temptations that defeated me. What can I do anyway? I can't neither pray nor find quiet time with God.
The light came back to my heart for only a short while before I took the Eucharist this Sunday, but it didn't even last a night. I yielded to one temptations of laziness and the rest of the good will went to dust...
This week is a time of weakness indeed. The only thing that I can think of is to hold on to the messages from God that I received with so much light and peace during my retreat in Chonburi.I had no doubt that the message came from God, it came with such amazing peace and light that I could never deny. I got the message while I was walking among nature, and while I was sitting alone and quiet in the little adoration room.
- Just be yourself. Live your life moment by moment. Do not try to be anything else. You are created with flaws and imperfections just like the rest of nature. It is ok, it is all right.
It is not the vocation or job or what you choose to earn your living that matters, it is life and how you deal with it that matters. Be a child. Set your heart free. All yourself to have the peace from God. This is the most important thing...you must anchor yourself with this peace before you proceed to learn or do anything else.
- All of the meditation techniques you try to learn will bring you nothing as long as you think that you are struggling to have something, to be something. You must do it without any expectation or any selfish desire. Spiritual growth is something that happens naturally as you live your life well with awareness. It is not something you can buy or earn or give anything in exchange. The "desire" itself is already the enemy. Just keep on practicing all the good things you learn, but don't expect to gain or attain anything. And God will take care of your soul.
I will come back to the light, I will, dear God. I know that you can use me better when I have the joy in my heart, when there is a smile on my face.
But even if there is dark times, I can also give you my pain and sorrow since I don't have anything else to give.
Ok...come what may. I will just live my life and let it be, and love everything and everyone. I love you, dear God. And the fact that you love me is already enough...that is simply enough for my life. Actually, I shouldn't ask for anything more.
The light came back to my heart for only a short while before I took the Eucharist this Sunday, but it didn't even last a night. I yielded to one temptations of laziness and the rest of the good will went to dust...
This week is a time of weakness indeed. The only thing that I can think of is to hold on to the messages from God that I received with so much light and peace during my retreat in Chonburi.I had no doubt that the message came from God, it came with such amazing peace and light that I could never deny. I got the message while I was walking among nature, and while I was sitting alone and quiet in the little adoration room.
- Just be yourself. Live your life moment by moment. Do not try to be anything else. You are created with flaws and imperfections just like the rest of nature. It is ok, it is all right.
It is not the vocation or job or what you choose to earn your living that matters, it is life and how you deal with it that matters. Be a child. Set your heart free. All yourself to have the peace from God. This is the most important thing...you must anchor yourself with this peace before you proceed to learn or do anything else.
- All of the meditation techniques you try to learn will bring you nothing as long as you think that you are struggling to have something, to be something. You must do it without any expectation or any selfish desire. Spiritual growth is something that happens naturally as you live your life well with awareness. It is not something you can buy or earn or give anything in exchange. The "desire" itself is already the enemy. Just keep on practicing all the good things you learn, but don't expect to gain or attain anything. And God will take care of your soul.
I will come back to the light, I will, dear God. I know that you can use me better when I have the joy in my heart, when there is a smile on my face.
But even if there is dark times, I can also give you my pain and sorrow since I don't have anything else to give.
Ok...come what may. I will just live my life and let it be, and love everything and everyone. I love you, dear God. And the fact that you love me is already enough...that is simply enough for my life. Actually, I shouldn't ask for anything more.
Friday, 25 January 2013
An Issue Hard to Solve
I need to alter part of this post and add something important at the end. It's very necessary. I was warned.
****************************************************************************
One of the hardest thing on earth...is to control your mind, your thoughts.
One of the hardest illusion to let go...is the feeling of love...the feeling of falling in love
...the feeling of being in love with someone.
You know it's transient, it's something that will come and pass you by like waves in the ocean.
But isn't it such a big and powerful wave!!
Well, so far I got trapped into one of these waves. If I kick the thoughts off...it will bounce back sooner or later anyway. The more I repress, the stronger it gets. But if I totally surrender to it, then the Devil will bring me deep into a world of fantasy, very dangerous.
So...what can I do?
Well, there are a few good things that come out of this, too. Good lessons to learn anyway.
- Since I can't do anything much, I can't free myself from it anyway, have to wait until it dies by itself, I will just accept it as an experience on Earth that I need to go through. I can't deny the feeling or ignore it. I can't fiercely push it off or try to cover it up, otherwise it will grow even stronger. I will just have to accept it and let it slip away from my mind by holding on the present moment..like..ok, I'm thinking of him...again..so just come back to the present moment. What am I doing? Oh, writing...so I'll keep on writing then. And I will turn my head up to the sky and say, thank you God for the experience on Earth, I don't know what you want me to do with this kind of feeling, but I'm thankful anyway. It will surely be something good to me somehow. At least one day I'll learn why I have to feel this way today. ....But if the wave really becomes too strong, praying for God's help always works in my case. He would let the wave die down for a while for the sake of my peace of mind. Our loving Father never want us to bear anything too much for our own ability, I really believe that.
-I am learning to change that kind of passionate love into another kind of love more pure and unconditional. If I succeed, then the problem will be completely solved. When you can totally look someone in the eyes and say "I love you" without feeling any guilt or fear, it means that the love you have is very pure and it comes out from the goodness inside your heart. I will never say the word...no...not until my heart is telling my that this love inside of me is one of the most beautiful thing I can give, and that I will give without any regret and without expecting anything back. It will be so simple. Loving someone doesn't have to mean getting married with the person. Loving someone doesn't have to mean going in bed with the person. Truly loving someone...to me...is just love. It's just a way of saying...you're always beautiful in my eyes, just exactly the way you are. I'm happy when you are around me and I really want you to be happy with your life.
But I say I am learning to do it. Have not succeeded yet.
- Another alternative, just wait until this wave of passion disappears at its own time. I believe everything on Earth comes and goes. Maybe...if I just wait...it will just go away and I don't have to do anything at all.
I am not a very young woman anymore. I have had relationships, I have experienced what is like to be so crazily in love, to see the whole world in pink, and then one day seeing that love faded into thin air and even turn into hatred. I always thank God that now, between me and my ex-boyfriend, there is no more hatred, at least. But what has gone is gone and something told me deep inside that our time is over and the road has truly parted. I really wish him well and I really thank him for all the lessons of life he gave me, for all the good and bad times that we shared. It is funny, after that relationship was over, my desire to get married gradually disappear as well. I am not looking for that kind of love anymore. My heart seems to know that it wants another kind of experience, another kind of love that gives more freedom to both sides. No more chain inside a relationship.
But...(sigh!)...what I really want most of all is to become the bride of Christ. But it seems that God doesn't want to be with me that way yet...still a lot to learn, my dear. You're not ready. Some lessons if you don't pass, you will have to re-learn them anyway.
Anyway, dear God, do with my life anyway you like. I can't stop you anyway. You're the all-powerful one, right? And you are the only one who knows everything. Most of all, you love me and I trust your love.
.......................................................................................................................................
The night after I wrote this post, I had a dream that seems to be an important warning. I know this week the Devil got me a lot but I don't know what to do. In my dream, I was harassed by a man, a stranger,but it seems that the person was under control of another person that was behind him. That person of authority is always on the phone line with the man. At first, I wasn't sure, it was hard for me to believe that everything that happened come because of the authority on the other end of the line. But then after a while I realized that I wasn't harrassed like this the first time in my life, it happened again and again in the same form, with different people, who are under control of this same person on the end of the line. In the last part of my dream, I was lying on my mother's bed and she said that she was looking for her earrings, which was on my ears, so I took them both off my ears and returned them to her on the table next to the bed. A pair of white-pearl earring. I know I can keep them for a while, she wouldn't mind, but I wasn't aware that I had been wearing them until now so I better return them. I saw a young nun, in a white robe, with her eyes so evil, she was laughing at me, but I try to smile at her anyway. Then I turned and was busy myself figuring out matter of this harrassment issue, I turned to her again and I saw a nun with eyes so kind and gentle, almost like a totally different person, and she said to me "don't you realize this is the way I truly look, the one that you saw wasn't me, it was the devil in me." And I suddenly realize at that moment that the devil can get inside anyone in at anytime, it could be for a few minutes or a few second but it can control the person's actions and thoughts. Then I realize, at the same time, that I was wearing a necklace full of dark spell. I had never known until then that it had a spell and it was a tool used by the person of authority at the end of phone line to control me. So I took the necklace off quickly. Then it appears that there are many of them on my neck, so I took them all off.
So...that's it. The good thing is that all the bad necklaces were off my neck. The sad thing was my mother's pair of earrings was taken off too. And I remember that lately I had a dream that I took the ring of Saint Therese of Lisieux off my finger and put it on the altar, thinking that I might return to it after a while. Another sad thing...for I remember that it fit my finger so well.
So...now I'm bare, dear God, no necklace, no ring, no earrings....I guess I can't be anywhere or do anything. I'll just have to be with you, dear God.
Please forgive me if this week I've been under the control of the Devil. I am weak and I couldn't help it really. You have to help me otherwise I just don't know what to do.
****************************************************************************
One of the hardest thing on earth...is to control your mind, your thoughts.
One of the hardest illusion to let go...is the feeling of love...the feeling of falling in love
...the feeling of being in love with someone.
You know it's transient, it's something that will come and pass you by like waves in the ocean.
But isn't it such a big and powerful wave!!
Well, so far I got trapped into one of these waves. If I kick the thoughts off...it will bounce back sooner or later anyway. The more I repress, the stronger it gets. But if I totally surrender to it, then the Devil will bring me deep into a world of fantasy, very dangerous.
So...what can I do?
Well, there are a few good things that come out of this, too. Good lessons to learn anyway.
- Since I can't do anything much, I can't free myself from it anyway, have to wait until it dies by itself, I will just accept it as an experience on Earth that I need to go through. I can't deny the feeling or ignore it. I can't fiercely push it off or try to cover it up, otherwise it will grow even stronger. I will just have to accept it and let it slip away from my mind by holding on the present moment..like..ok, I'm thinking of him...again..so just come back to the present moment. What am I doing? Oh, writing...so I'll keep on writing then. And I will turn my head up to the sky and say, thank you God for the experience on Earth, I don't know what you want me to do with this kind of feeling, but I'm thankful anyway. It will surely be something good to me somehow. At least one day I'll learn why I have to feel this way today. ....But if the wave really becomes too strong, praying for God's help always works in my case. He would let the wave die down for a while for the sake of my peace of mind. Our loving Father never want us to bear anything too much for our own ability, I really believe that.
-I am learning to change that kind of passionate love into another kind of love more pure and unconditional. If I succeed, then the problem will be completely solved. When you can totally look someone in the eyes and say "I love you" without feeling any guilt or fear, it means that the love you have is very pure and it comes out from the goodness inside your heart. I will never say the word...no...not until my heart is telling my that this love inside of me is one of the most beautiful thing I can give, and that I will give without any regret and without expecting anything back. It will be so simple. Loving someone doesn't have to mean getting married with the person. Loving someone doesn't have to mean going in bed with the person. Truly loving someone...to me...is just love. It's just a way of saying...you're always beautiful in my eyes, just exactly the way you are. I'm happy when you are around me and I really want you to be happy with your life.
But I say I am learning to do it. Have not succeeded yet.
- Another alternative, just wait until this wave of passion disappears at its own time. I believe everything on Earth comes and goes. Maybe...if I just wait...it will just go away and I don't have to do anything at all.
I am not a very young woman anymore. I have had relationships, I have experienced what is like to be so crazily in love, to see the whole world in pink, and then one day seeing that love faded into thin air and even turn into hatred. I always thank God that now, between me and my ex-boyfriend, there is no more hatred, at least. But what has gone is gone and something told me deep inside that our time is over and the road has truly parted. I really wish him well and I really thank him for all the lessons of life he gave me, for all the good and bad times that we shared. It is funny, after that relationship was over, my desire to get married gradually disappear as well. I am not looking for that kind of love anymore. My heart seems to know that it wants another kind of experience, another kind of love that gives more freedom to both sides. No more chain inside a relationship.
But...(sigh!)...what I really want most of all is to become the bride of Christ. But it seems that God doesn't want to be with me that way yet...still a lot to learn, my dear. You're not ready. Some lessons if you don't pass, you will have to re-learn them anyway.
Anyway, dear God, do with my life anyway you like. I can't stop you anyway. You're the all-powerful one, right? And you are the only one who knows everything. Most of all, you love me and I trust your love.
.......................................................................................................................................
The night after I wrote this post, I had a dream that seems to be an important warning. I know this week the Devil got me a lot but I don't know what to do. In my dream, I was harassed by a man, a stranger,but it seems that the person was under control of another person that was behind him. That person of authority is always on the phone line with the man. At first, I wasn't sure, it was hard for me to believe that everything that happened come because of the authority on the other end of the line. But then after a while I realized that I wasn't harrassed like this the first time in my life, it happened again and again in the same form, with different people, who are under control of this same person on the end of the line. In the last part of my dream, I was lying on my mother's bed and she said that she was looking for her earrings, which was on my ears, so I took them both off my ears and returned them to her on the table next to the bed. A pair of white-pearl earring. I know I can keep them for a while, she wouldn't mind, but I wasn't aware that I had been wearing them until now so I better return them. I saw a young nun, in a white robe, with her eyes so evil, she was laughing at me, but I try to smile at her anyway. Then I turned and was busy myself figuring out matter of this harrassment issue, I turned to her again and I saw a nun with eyes so kind and gentle, almost like a totally different person, and she said to me "don't you realize this is the way I truly look, the one that you saw wasn't me, it was the devil in me." And I suddenly realize at that moment that the devil can get inside anyone in at anytime, it could be for a few minutes or a few second but it can control the person's actions and thoughts. Then I realize, at the same time, that I was wearing a necklace full of dark spell. I had never known until then that it had a spell and it was a tool used by the person of authority at the end of phone line to control me. So I took the necklace off quickly. Then it appears that there are many of them on my neck, so I took them all off.
So...that's it. The good thing is that all the bad necklaces were off my neck. The sad thing was my mother's pair of earrings was taken off too. And I remember that lately I had a dream that I took the ring of Saint Therese of Lisieux off my finger and put it on the altar, thinking that I might return to it after a while. Another sad thing...for I remember that it fit my finger so well.
So...now I'm bare, dear God, no necklace, no ring, no earrings....I guess I can't be anywhere or do anything. I'll just have to be with you, dear God.
Please forgive me if this week I've been under the control of the Devil. I am weak and I couldn't help it really. You have to help me otherwise I just don't know what to do.
My decision...so far
After all the confusions and a lot of thoughts on my big decision in life, I got one final good advice "Just focus on God and do what He tells you." And for a moment, I realize that I've been swayed too much by people's words and opinions. I should take my own stand and make my own decision with a firmness of mind.
Some people are born with confidence and steadiness of heart. Some are not, like me. I'm one whose mind sways like the sea. It can be a very bad flaw of character, but somehow, God makes me this way. And now I'm not going to be afraid of it. So, I think I'll make my own decision for today.
And that decision is "I'm not going to decide now". That is where it feels right for me. I don't have to hurry. I'll just take my time. No matter what anyone says.
I've been called both ways. And people say, "No, that's not God's voice. You must choose one way that is right, because the other way is the devil's way."
But that decision is not like... I am going to sin or not going to sin. Well, if one path is sinful and the other path is not, then it's clear that God calls one way for sure. But there are things in this world that can both be right in some cases, in some situations, right?
I am not saying that I know God's will. But what I'm doing is that I will take time to listen to my heart more. Listen for that whisper full of light from Heaven. I will keep on listening and keep on looking at the circumstances. If God will shut one door, then it's pretty clear which path He wants me to walk. But so far, he opens both doors and he still drops me the seeds of passion once in a while, for me to consider and think through.
So far...it seems to me...He wants me to look at myself and search for my true desire. He wants me to check my conscience and motive for the desire to stay in the monastery. Is it pure and clear? Is it my own ego and ambition? He also wants me to ask myself, are you sure you can leave the world and everything in it? Everything, really? Take your time...look around...think...feel...seek...do whatever you want to do.
But at the same time, He places me a question. If I should have nothing to do with the monastery, then lately, why do I love to be at the monastery and spend my quiet time there? Why was I able to get there early while usually I'm always late with almost everything? Why do I love to sit and talk with Mother Superior? The last time I went there, I came out with a heart full of light and my whole day was blessed. The last time I almost decided to quit the application, but I asked God...please let thy will be done today, let me say what is the right thing for me to say...at the end I didn't quit and it felt so right...so right inside my heart.
My decision so far sounds weird and not right in the opinion of most people. For me...if you ask me now...I would say...if they let me...I will get in and I will devote my whole time there in prayer, love, patience, total obedience...and I will get out when it's time for me to get out.
I am not built for the monastery life-time. But I have a passion burning inside of me for something that I have to do in there for a period of time...something very, very important to my life. Something that I believe will bring goodness and love to all and will help me overcome some life-long fear.
Looking back through my life, I remember that when a big passion came...and I heeded its calling...I would find something very precious for my life.
I felt this passion before I became an exchange student and be away from my parents for a whole year.
I felt this passion before I traveled the world alone for the first time, for three consecutive weeks in three countries that don't speak English.
I felt this passion now...with the world inside the monastery...the world that seems to be a horrible enemy to a freedom lover like me. The world that seems to be full of everything that I fear, everything that I hate....but paradoxically...that is why I have to be there...that is why I feel that God is calling me.
There is another kind of freedom hidden inside it...the kind of freedom that you can have even when you are in chain, even when you're imprisoned.
There is a treasure worth seeking there...a spiritual pearl that worth selling everything you have for.
Well, that is just my decision so far...I'm not saying that it will never change. I will take my time.
And most importantly, I will keep praying this important prayer..."dear Lord, let thy will be done in me...help me make the right decision."
The reason that haven't decided to follow your command that another person has given me, and He said that it was from you...because it seems that the command came in conflict a bit with what in my heart....just a bit...but for a big decision, even a bit matters...you really can't rely on another person to be a middle person between you and God...not for a big decision of life. Although I respect the person so much and I'm very grateful for his help, I still need to hear from you directly, dear God.
Some people are born with confidence and steadiness of heart. Some are not, like me. I'm one whose mind sways like the sea. It can be a very bad flaw of character, but somehow, God makes me this way. And now I'm not going to be afraid of it. So, I think I'll make my own decision for today.
And that decision is "I'm not going to decide now". That is where it feels right for me. I don't have to hurry. I'll just take my time. No matter what anyone says.
I've been called both ways. And people say, "No, that's not God's voice. You must choose one way that is right, because the other way is the devil's way."
But that decision is not like... I am going to sin or not going to sin. Well, if one path is sinful and the other path is not, then it's clear that God calls one way for sure. But there are things in this world that can both be right in some cases, in some situations, right?
I am not saying that I know God's will. But what I'm doing is that I will take time to listen to my heart more. Listen for that whisper full of light from Heaven. I will keep on listening and keep on looking at the circumstances. If God will shut one door, then it's pretty clear which path He wants me to walk. But so far, he opens both doors and he still drops me the seeds of passion once in a while, for me to consider and think through.
So far...it seems to me...He wants me to look at myself and search for my true desire. He wants me to check my conscience and motive for the desire to stay in the monastery. Is it pure and clear? Is it my own ego and ambition? He also wants me to ask myself, are you sure you can leave the world and everything in it? Everything, really? Take your time...look around...think...feel...seek...do whatever you want to do.
But at the same time, He places me a question. If I should have nothing to do with the monastery, then lately, why do I love to be at the monastery and spend my quiet time there? Why was I able to get there early while usually I'm always late with almost everything? Why do I love to sit and talk with Mother Superior? The last time I went there, I came out with a heart full of light and my whole day was blessed. The last time I almost decided to quit the application, but I asked God...please let thy will be done today, let me say what is the right thing for me to say...at the end I didn't quit and it felt so right...so right inside my heart.
My decision so far sounds weird and not right in the opinion of most people. For me...if you ask me now...I would say...if they let me...I will get in and I will devote my whole time there in prayer, love, patience, total obedience...and I will get out when it's time for me to get out.
I am not built for the monastery life-time. But I have a passion burning inside of me for something that I have to do in there for a period of time...something very, very important to my life. Something that I believe will bring goodness and love to all and will help me overcome some life-long fear.
Looking back through my life, I remember that when a big passion came...and I heeded its calling...I would find something very precious for my life.
I felt this passion before I became an exchange student and be away from my parents for a whole year.
I felt this passion before I traveled the world alone for the first time, for three consecutive weeks in three countries that don't speak English.
I felt this passion now...with the world inside the monastery...the world that seems to be a horrible enemy to a freedom lover like me. The world that seems to be full of everything that I fear, everything that I hate....but paradoxically...that is why I have to be there...that is why I feel that God is calling me.
There is another kind of freedom hidden inside it...the kind of freedom that you can have even when you are in chain, even when you're imprisoned.
There is a treasure worth seeking there...a spiritual pearl that worth selling everything you have for.
Well, that is just my decision so far...I'm not saying that it will never change. I will take my time.
And most importantly, I will keep praying this important prayer..."dear Lord, let thy will be done in me...help me make the right decision."
The reason that haven't decided to follow your command that another person has given me, and He said that it was from you...because it seems that the command came in conflict a bit with what in my heart....just a bit...but for a big decision, even a bit matters...you really can't rely on another person to be a middle person between you and God...not for a big decision of life. Although I respect the person so much and I'm very grateful for his help, I still need to hear from you directly, dear God.
Friday, 11 January 2013
Nothing to Give
Oh God, I have nothing to give you.
I am quite a mess.
I don't have a pure heart like a child,
though I want to have one.
I don't have the kind of peace
that many people can easily have in their heart
My thoughts are often dark, sometimes dirty
full of worry, pride, and judgement for myself and others
Some of my bad habits are still there
no matter how long I have tried to improve
I don't really know how to be generous and kind
I often overlook the opportunities to do good for others
So what can I give you?
So...I guess...I will just live my day
And let You live it with me.
I will just wake up to another day
Use my hand, body, brain
to live that day as best as this poor soul can
I will stop what I do... and say "I Love You"
As often as I can...before I continue
This is probably all that I can give to you now.
So small, so very small
compared to all that you have given me all my life.
But I have nothing else to give.
So I hope you don't mind to take this lowly gift
I am quite a mess.
I don't have a pure heart like a child,
though I want to have one.
I don't have the kind of peace
that many people can easily have in their heart
My thoughts are often dark, sometimes dirty
full of worry, pride, and judgement for myself and others
Some of my bad habits are still there
no matter how long I have tried to improve
I don't really know how to be generous and kind
I often overlook the opportunities to do good for others
So what can I give you?
So...I guess...I will just live my day
And let You live it with me.
I will just wake up to another day
Use my hand, body, brain
to live that day as best as this poor soul can
I will stop what I do... and say "I Love You"
As often as I can...before I continue
This is probably all that I can give to you now.
So small, so very small
compared to all that you have given me all my life.
But I have nothing else to give.
So I hope you don't mind to take this lowly gift
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Some light and peace in the darkness
After many days in darkness, tonight God allowed me to have some peace while I was praying. He also gave me a revelation, a wisdom, that I can really apply at the crossroad in front of me, which is going to be a very big decision that will affect the rest of my life.
Should I become a carmelite nun? Is it God's will for me?
I already stated my desire to the monastery but I haven't found the answer yet.
I found that inside of me there is a deep, deep love in nature and traveling and the freedom to roam freely in the world.
I also found that inside of me there is a burning passion to be one with Christ, to move closer and closer and closer to the Lord, until I can be one with Him and never be apart again.
I love to teach the children, I love to write
But at the same time I also desire so much to follow the steps of Mother Teresa of Avila, and spend my days in prayer and spiritual book readings.
Lately, the Lord reminds me of what he told me in the park in my retreat.
"You don't have to worry of what you will be. Just be yourself. Be something naturally yourself. Be the person the Lord create you to be, with flaws and mistakes. Just do what you feel like doing and when the opportunity comes your way. Just be a child." And for a while, I was afraid if I was wrong to apply to the monastery.
But then again, the reason that I applied was because God sent me a sign that I asked for.
I gave him a pledge one night, about twenty days ago, that if He wants me to be a nun, then please send me this sign and I will leave everything and follow Him. But if He never sends it to me, I will never become a nun and won't even try. It means that my place is outside in the world.
He did send me that sign. And it was at the Carmelle Monastery.
So I just think that I will let the monastery decide and take it as God's will for me. Still, I'm so scared. When I think of becoming carmelite nun, I feel extremely scared about losing my freedom and being locked up, confined. When I think of just staying the same way and never be a nun at all, I'm afraid that I will betray His calling and never give myself a chance to persue the goal that is very important to me, and a chance to serve God and other people wholely in spirit and prayer.
Tonight, although I still haven't found the answer, I was given a few thoughts that come with so much peace and light.
If the monastery says no, then I should be happy because I can still have the whole world as a playground to serve God in many creative ways, with the children, with books, and who knows what else. I will be able to travel to see different cultures, or go to nature and find beautiful and quiet places to pray.
If the monastery says yes, although it's going to be painful for me to leave the world, I should trust and rejoice that this path will bring something very good to me and other people, because God puts me there. And I should also trust, that if God wills, I will finally be free from the desire to go back to the world and discover something precious in there. And even if He doesn't, I can still choose to walk back to the world and find where I rightly belong. The experience there would be very valuable to my life.
So I found peace tonight, from the realization that no matter which way I will turn, which road I will choose, I will always be in the Lord's will.
Thank you, dear God, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Please let Thy will be done.
Should I become a carmelite nun? Is it God's will for me?
I already stated my desire to the monastery but I haven't found the answer yet.
I found that inside of me there is a deep, deep love in nature and traveling and the freedom to roam freely in the world.
I also found that inside of me there is a burning passion to be one with Christ, to move closer and closer and closer to the Lord, until I can be one with Him and never be apart again.
I love to teach the children, I love to write
But at the same time I also desire so much to follow the steps of Mother Teresa of Avila, and spend my days in prayer and spiritual book readings.
Lately, the Lord reminds me of what he told me in the park in my retreat.
"You don't have to worry of what you will be. Just be yourself. Be something naturally yourself. Be the person the Lord create you to be, with flaws and mistakes. Just do what you feel like doing and when the opportunity comes your way. Just be a child." And for a while, I was afraid if I was wrong to apply to the monastery.
But then again, the reason that I applied was because God sent me a sign that I asked for.
I gave him a pledge one night, about twenty days ago, that if He wants me to be a nun, then please send me this sign and I will leave everything and follow Him. But if He never sends it to me, I will never become a nun and won't even try. It means that my place is outside in the world.
He did send me that sign. And it was at the Carmelle Monastery.
So I just think that I will let the monastery decide and take it as God's will for me. Still, I'm so scared. When I think of becoming carmelite nun, I feel extremely scared about losing my freedom and being locked up, confined. When I think of just staying the same way and never be a nun at all, I'm afraid that I will betray His calling and never give myself a chance to persue the goal that is very important to me, and a chance to serve God and other people wholely in spirit and prayer.
Tonight, although I still haven't found the answer, I was given a few thoughts that come with so much peace and light.
If the monastery says no, then I should be happy because I can still have the whole world as a playground to serve God in many creative ways, with the children, with books, and who knows what else. I will be able to travel to see different cultures, or go to nature and find beautiful and quiet places to pray.
If the monastery says yes, although it's going to be painful for me to leave the world, I should trust and rejoice that this path will bring something very good to me and other people, because God puts me there. And I should also trust, that if God wills, I will finally be free from the desire to go back to the world and discover something precious in there. And even if He doesn't, I can still choose to walk back to the world and find where I rightly belong. The experience there would be very valuable to my life.
So I found peace tonight, from the realization that no matter which way I will turn, which road I will choose, I will always be in the Lord's will.
Thank you, dear God, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Please let Thy will be done.
A Poem on Discernment
This is NOT my poem. I found it on the internet. It reflects a lot of what's going through my mind now.
O Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think
I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe
that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
You will lead me by the right road,
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me.
And you will never leave me
to make my journey alone.
Source: Thomas Merton, Pax Christi, Benet Press, Erie, PA.
O Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think
I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe
that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
You will lead me by the right road,
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me.
And you will never leave me
to make my journey alone.
Source: Thomas Merton, Pax Christi, Benet Press, Erie, PA.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Confused and Lost
I am writing this down because I just need to pour some pain out. My life has arrived at the period of darkness again. And I don't know when will this one be over. I am very confused about a lot of things. The religion that I'm learning seems to give me different teachings that seem to contradict one another again. And it seems that God forbids me to talk to Him the way that I used to talk. I don't know what God's will is anymore. I don't know if it ever existed or is it just a word. I'm so lost.....
I went to a very good retreat during New Year. I received the blessings of peace and some light that seem to answer some of my questions. But at the same time, some of the things that I learned there make me confused and I don't know which way I should believe or apply to my life.
Some people seem to believe in the conscience, clear thinking, analyzing things psychologically. It seems to me that they almost don't believe that evil spirits can actually present itself to a person. "It's all your imagination and subconsciousness" they said.
Another kind of people seem to know that there are things that are far beyond that. Things that only "the Mysterious Heart" inside of us know. Things that are beyond reasons and thoughts. They have had spritual experience with the other world themselves.
I was taught the second way, then I was taught the first way, then I was drawn to the second way again....and I'm like...now what I should do? What I should believe?
Those who believe in the first way said there is nothing such as the Will of God. God just will us to do our best in every day life. That's all. God's will is actually man's will that is loving to himself and other people. Actually, that sounds right, too.
But what about the scene in the Bible when Jesus said "Please take this cup away from me, yet let thy will be done. "
Anyway, the problem is...I can't hear God now. I mean I used to go through the Bible and sometimes good messages talk to me directly and I used to check for signs and He used to talk to me that way. But lately, it seems to me that God doesn't want me to hear him through these things anymore. All that I heard from them seem to be message from the devil that torture me by taking away the peace of my mind and I don't even dare to open the Bible anymore. I don't know how I can hear Him now, especially when life gets very confused.
I suffer nightmares again and last night I had very poor quality of sleep.
I will try to love the period of darkness that I am in, although it's very hard for me to do that right now. I will try to think that it has to get very dark before dawn and maybe one day I might find a new way to hear God, and find out whether God's wil exists. And which way He wants me to walk.
I went to a very good retreat during New Year. I received the blessings of peace and some light that seem to answer some of my questions. But at the same time, some of the things that I learned there make me confused and I don't know which way I should believe or apply to my life.
Some people seem to believe in the conscience, clear thinking, analyzing things psychologically. It seems to me that they almost don't believe that evil spirits can actually present itself to a person. "It's all your imagination and subconsciousness" they said.
Another kind of people seem to know that there are things that are far beyond that. Things that only "the Mysterious Heart" inside of us know. Things that are beyond reasons and thoughts. They have had spritual experience with the other world themselves.
I was taught the second way, then I was taught the first way, then I was drawn to the second way again....and I'm like...now what I should do? What I should believe?
Those who believe in the first way said there is nothing such as the Will of God. God just will us to do our best in every day life. That's all. God's will is actually man's will that is loving to himself and other people. Actually, that sounds right, too.
But what about the scene in the Bible when Jesus said "Please take this cup away from me, yet let thy will be done. "
Anyway, the problem is...I can't hear God now. I mean I used to go through the Bible and sometimes good messages talk to me directly and I used to check for signs and He used to talk to me that way. But lately, it seems to me that God doesn't want me to hear him through these things anymore. All that I heard from them seem to be message from the devil that torture me by taking away the peace of my mind and I don't even dare to open the Bible anymore. I don't know how I can hear Him now, especially when life gets very confused.
I suffer nightmares again and last night I had very poor quality of sleep.
I will try to love the period of darkness that I am in, although it's very hard for me to do that right now. I will try to think that it has to get very dark before dawn and maybe one day I might find a new way to hear God, and find out whether God's wil exists. And which way He wants me to walk.
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