The sorrow of one who does not take side

Many, many years ago. I had this dream. And I still remember it ever since for it was so unlike any other dreams.

In front of me, there is a young lady standing with her back facing me. She has curly hair, breaded, and her outfit consits of a blouse ,a long skirt, and an apron. In my dream I know her name, it's in Western language, and I have a name  in Western language too. In my dream I recognize this woman as a close friend. She is working on something on the counter in front of her. She knows that I am standing behind her but she won't turn around. She won't talk to me because I don't take side in politics. I am very sad. I can feel the cold silence.

Some years after I had this dream. I found out that this kind of dress is for women working in factory and this kind of counter can be found in German factories during World War II.

It is a sad thing, that still happens to me now, even in my present life. I am not one who choose to be extreme in political view. My country is broken apart with hatred at the moment. Many people take side politically and throw blames and hateful words, or even violence at each other. I have my own view and standpoint but I just can't take side extremely like that. And now, some of my friends desert me because of that...and I am so sad. But I will hold on firmly to what I believe is right. I will not hate. I will not hate...and I will try my best to keep this sadness as sadness... not turn it into bitterness and anger.

I'm glad that that at least...they used to be part of my life. If they prefer to walk away from me now, then so long...my friends. Blessed be the road in front of you and I will keep you in my good memory.

"Being Small" is very important

The new thing that I've learned from these past 2 years is that humbility is so precious. I have never understood its significance before but now I begin to understand. How can we let go of our 'ego' or 'false self' without humble down and admit that the self we are trying to cling to is made up of illusion and can't really do anything much but obstructing us from knowing the essence of our true self as a child of God?

-I learn that my accomplishments are not mine and my failures are not mine....
-I learn that all I can do is try...but whether I will succeed or not...that depends on God.
I can't claim any success to my credit and I should not do so.
-I learn that feeling small like a helpless child in the palm of the Ethernal Father can make me feel so free and so safe. I don't have to pretend to be great or good or wise, I can just simply admit myself as a poor sinner, a little lost sheep, someone that God kindly save out of His love and mercy.
- I learn that even "being humble" needs grace. I cannot humble my heart whenever I want to. Sometimes my ego is so big and hard that it won't bend easily. God's grace is what I need to humble down, to become small, to let go and trust in His love.Many times I have to pray "Oh God, please keep me humble, please keep me small!"
- I learn that the devil can abuse our effort to stay humble. It will place the wrong thoughts in our head like "Yeah, you are worthless, you are nothing, and God may or may not spare you, He is greater than all universes and you're just a worthless worm in His hand, so accept the harsh truth, and know that He can plunge you into Hell anytime because you are nothing and don't worth anything to Him." So I learn that in being humble, it is very necessary to trust in God's love. That is a Must, otherwise it might lead us into self-hatred, despair, and even suicide.
- I learn that, beside God's grace, being humble can help ease the extreme pain in the heart and help us accept all hardships with peace.

I learn that...I still have a lot more and more and more to learn.....and actually I should accept that I don't know anything at all.

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After I finished this post, I went through days without any strength inside of me, I couldn't do anything good and kept doing the bad things. I just simply had no control over myself. This confirms to me even more that I am just a wretched sinner and without Him I am nothing. I should be thankful to God for using this as a way to let me see how weak I am and keep me small again. 

Now I will pray....there is nothing more that I can do now in this desperate situation. I can't overcome my own weak self without His help.

Please have mercy, Jesus. Please pray for me, Mother Mary. I am so sorry....please heal me again.

Evil: both real and illusion? (some memory and my conclusion so far)

I remembered two events in my life, which seemed to be a proof that evil can be real and can have effect on you even when you think that it's not there, even when you don't judge it as evil.

1. About 12-14 years ago, during my early years of knowing God (I was not a Catholic at that time), I used to be a tarot cards player. I played it for myself and for others. Many people that I know came to me for help and I never charged anyone of them for I thought I was doing something good for other people. When I played the card, I always asked God to guide me. This happened for years, five or six years maybe. But then I met a Christian lady, she tried to persuade me that I should stop playing it because it is evil. Of course, I didn't believe her. I told her "God is the Father of Heaven who creates the rain and sun for everyone, I believe that God loves all religions and all beliefs as the same. And I always asked God to help me before I play it." Then she kindly said, "This is not a tool that God recommend anyone to seek Him, my dear. How do you know that the one answering you on the other side is God?" I didn't believe her but I did think about that a bit. I still kept on playing the cards. Then I started to have this bad dream about me bringing blood and monsters into a land of beauty, I am the one destroying that land of peace and beauty. I didn't understand that dream. I kept asking God what why did he send me such a dream. Then, after several months, a terrible event happened, it was so terrible that my eyes finally opened to the truth.
    I will not write the details for it is very personal and hurtful. All that I will say is that I finally realized that the tarot cards had been recommeding me to do something harmful to another two Christian friends and harmful to myself, and I had never known that it was harmful until one day that the truth hit me in the eyes. I lost so many tears. But it did open my eyes and I started to see the connection, started to see how the tarot cards can really be evil. So one day, I put it on the bed, and prayed to God whether I should destroy this thing. The power of the evil was so strong that it put so many thoughts into my head about how I should not do it. This card is a way that you can help other people, if you throw them away, what would you say to those people who come to see you? Blah blah blah...the devil kept on talking in my heard. But then I prayed to God, if You really want me to throw this away, please let me open a page of the tarot guidebook and see something evil in it. I randomly opened a page, it was a page on the description of "Evil" card. And there was a sentence saying..."evil is actually nothing bad, it is just pampering yourself a bit with the pleasure of the worldly stuff like luxurious things, good food, good clothes and all that money can buy, which is something that human need to do some time in life."
     Then I said to myself, "That's a total lie! Evil is bad, now I know that it's bad!"
      I finally threw the card away and promised God that I will never play it again in my entire life. And I never did.The amazing thing was that after I threw it away, I felt so much light and so much presence of God surrounding me whenever I sat down and prayed, it was very, very noticable that I did not have have any doubt left in my mind. Getting rid of the cards was absolutely the right thing to do. I had been such a fool for all those years!

2. About 4-6 months before I first came to Catholic Church, I roamed the internet and found this website. I don't remember the exact name anymore but it sounded like a spiritual research organization. The look of the website is very clean, formal, like something that you can really trust, like it belonged to knowledgable scholars and scientists. The website had many interesting information on it, like how evil are working within us and bringing us suffering in this world if we don't progress in spiritual growth. I also found that they offer free course of sprititual growth online, so I jumped in, out of curiousity. And the fist step required in the course was "After you pray a prayer from your own religion, chant this particular verse 10 times. It will help clear away the bad karma from your past, including the bad karma of your ancestors." I was reluctant for a while. But after checking it out and found that the verse is just the name of a guru in Hinduism, I considered it for a few days and then decided to try. It was a very, very short verse. I started to chant it, one time, two time, three time, four ...and suddenly, a strange power or energy went right into my fourhead, just between the eyebrows, right at the location where some people say it is the Third Eye. I could feel it very clearly. I was not imagining it for sure. There was this power getting into my forehead while I was chanting the verse. I felt that it's weired. I didn't know whether I should be afraid or should be amazed. I didn't remember if I finished chanting it 10 times or not. But the next morning, I started seeing stains of blood around my house, on the wall, on one of my clothes, and I felt the terrible fear inside of me all the time, as if there are something scary near me, or within my house. Still, I was foolish enough to go and check out more information from the website. They said "if you start seeing blood around your house, it is very normal. Many people who take our course see them too. It is just a sign that your ancestor sins are beling cleared away." So...I tried to ignore what I see, ignore my own fears.
      That night, God gave me a warning dream that I am forever grateful for. The picture of this dream was so vivid, so real, and the message was so clear. I and my family were in a bedroom with no walls surrounding us. We had a door, we had the four poles of the wall, but there was absolutely no wall to protect us on four direction! The door and the poles were useless then.  And I felt in the dream that there were many beasts roaming around outside, they could harm us anytime. We are out of protection!! I woke up from that dream and I understood right away what it meant. I have put myself and my family in a dangerous situation where God might not be able to protect us if I continue on with this evil thing. I cried and cried and told God how sorry I was, how stupid I was, and that I would never do such a thing again. Now I realized that the chaning was evil.  I asked God to save me and my family. Then I went on to Youtube and played all the hyms and praise songs. I sang all those songs...I sang and sang until I felt the light shine inside of me and cleared away all the fear. Peace has returned to my heart again and I felt that God had mercy for me and I am saved now. I went back to sleep. The next morning. There was no more blood stain, no more fearful feelings. Everything returned to normal. And I am forever thankful to God, for saving my life, although I did a very, very stupid thing.

After these two events, I tried very hard to be careful not to get involved with things like that again. At this point of my life, I no longer go to see fortune tellers, no longer let any other influences to obstruct my path with God, including all evil movies and medias. When I slipped, God disciplined me right away.

When I thought back to these past events, it was clear that evil can be real and can have effect even when you are blind to see it as evil, even when you thought it is something right.

So, I will stick to my rule. I will not have anything to do with it. Discernment is important and I still need to continue learning. But I will not judge or condemn the people who do this kind of evil things, I will pray for them.

I believe that no matter what, God will protect his children, as long as we don't run and offer our life to the devils or go play with them, we'll be safe. 

Right now, I also have a new question. If we are trying to save those under dark influcences by prayers, will that mean we announce our self as the enemy of Satan and he will start attacking us? That is something I need to know because I've been praying hard for those under the darkness of this sort. I just felt that it is an important thing to do. Don't know if it will cause any effects though. But maybe it is something God encourages me to do because once I started praying, God sent me more people to pray for.

Evil: both real and illusion?

Some people say that evil is real in this world, and we must learn to stay away from it and make sure that we are always on the right side. Some people say darkness does not come to exist on its own, it is just the absence of light, that's why evil cannot defeat goodness because once the light shine onto the darkness, the darkness disappear right away. My teacher says the best thing is that we should stay above the matter of good and evil. That means we should not judge or condemn.Well, I do agree, but there is a question.

I think, since we haven't yet reached the state of spirit where we can actually see "beyond" good and evil, and we have to live in this world as a human being, this world where cruelty and horrifying acts committed by people are real, I think that I need to find a practical way to live and to stay safe.

So far, I believe that I should follow these:
1. Don't get yourself involved in any kinds of sinful acts.
2. Don't judge or condemn people who do bad things, be loving and forgiving to all for that is a golden command of  the Lord. However, don't join them or support them if their action brings forward darkness, instead of light.

What about the matter on the satan, demon, and black magic? Should I learn to discern these or should I just simply using the "loving, non-judgmental" attitude?

Now, this is a serious matter that I've been praying for the guidance since the event of the so-assumed "black-magic" medal of my father has been raised to consideration lately.

Here is the story:
1. Many years ago, my father got this "medal" with symbol that represents united religion peace (sounds good and unharmful, isn't it?). He got it when go praying in a special ceremony where Buddhists and other religions joined together.

2. I didn't know and didn't see this medal before, but one night I had this bad dream that there is a small round object in my house and it seems to be powerful, scary and powerful. And during those days, I felt strange fatique inside my body so often when I'm in the house. So I asked if anyone brought anything from outside into our house. And my father showed me the medal.

3. My father told me that at first the medal seemed to bring him a big luck on his job, but when he started carrying it around, his car got into many accidents, so he stopped carrying it and put it near the Buddhist altar in his prayer room. So the medal was still inside my house and I didn't know because I hadn't seen it anymore for years. (didn't know that it was there at the altar)

4. Lately, just a few weeks ago, I learned that the symbol on the medal is similar to a symbol of the so-called "United Religion" Movement, which the book states that it could be something that relate to a larger evil organisation, something we should stay away from.

5. The symbol on the medal seems to be similar to the symbol on the cover of another book, an evil book, I have to say. At first I thought it was just another book about extra-terresterials encountering, but then inside the content it contains statement against the cross, telling people that they don't have to go to church, and that pleasure of the flesh is absolutely harmless. (free sex is on our planet, they say). I got rid of that book right away.

Now, once I started to raise this matter up and talked to the people at my church, I fell into the state of demon oppression right away. And here are the advices and wisdom from the people who helped me.

-The priest that I respect said that I shouldn't bring it anywhere for anyone to consider, but just being non-judemental and forgiving toward it.

-Another spiritual teacher also adviced similar thing "you haven't reached the spiritual state that you can discern this kind of things, just ignore it and nothing will harm you, don't take this matter to your heart."

-My godmother also said, "just pray for your father that God will let him know by himself about what to do with this medal, don't say anything that causes arguments."

-The priest who I went to confession the last time told me that "if you are not sure or you don't know, just say that you don't know, don't state the name of organization, it can put you into danger."

The amazing thing was that once I used the "non-judgemental" attitude, I seemed to be lifted from the demon oppression state right away. This is real. And it happened twice, so one thing that I learned was that I must keep the golden command of the Lord about being loving and forgiving at all times. Once I get into a state of loving and non-judging attitute, the medal or the demon or whatsover...don't have any power over me at all. In other words, once the fear in my heart is lifted, the power of darkness is also lifted.

However, my teacher also said that it is important also to be able to discern, otherwise I might be fooled with the mass for the evil power is strong in the present world.

So now, there occurs a question. If I see no-evil, and look at everything as beauty, seeing God in everything in the universe, does that mean I should be blind that evil exist? Does that mean that evil is just illusion and is actually harmless?

After I prayed to God for the wisdom on this, the next day I heard the news that a member of Satanism in my country just committed a murder.

So...from this...I must say that evil is real, right?
But why does it has no power over me when I was being non-judemental?
What is the best way to view this matter?
 

Ascetism...not the answer, but a clean-up tool

Some people say that religion is a tool toward the truth, in itself not the answer, but just a way that will help you find the answer. I think I agree with that.

At first, before I became a Catholic, I often heard a bad remark about the belief of this religion, something like "they are crazy, trying to deny themselves, restraining and restricting their own life and body, these people are crazy." And then there are movies that show pictures of insane Catholic monks who  tortures themselves by whipping their own back or torturing and burming people of other faith. This gives me a chill, and in those days I never thought that I would one day entering this faith. I was glad for being just a simple "Christian."

Now, today I have been in this religion for more than two years, learning and exploring their teachings and practices. I can't denied that it was a calling, God wanted me here. There are something else that I must learn apart from the simple and real truth about Christ being taught in other lines of Christianity.

What I learn about ascetism are:
- Catholics don't encourage extreme torment of the body. Ascetism can be practiced moderately and it is possible in the modern world.
- "Eat less, please oneself less, speak less, and pray more" really does good things to you.
- The last period that I tried it (very mildly), together with receiving the Eucharist everyday, it seemed that the condition of my spirit is better. Once I stopped and returned to the old way of living, my condition fell dramatically, like down from 80 to 20.
- I am able to hear God speaking and guiding me more clearly when I don't pamper my body so much with food, drink, internet, movies, shopping, speaking nonsense, etc. If I spend more time in prayers and mass, I will gain benefits because this is a way to clean up the temple of the Holy Spirit, which is our body and mind.
-While practicing that, I need to avoid committing sin and if I do, then I should confess right away. Sins are like the dirt on your clothes, when you get it on, your clothes are dirty and you have to wash it away (being forgiven by Christ).
.
All of these things that I learn, I have to thank my teacher, my godmother, the priest from the chapel, a book that I am translating (a wonderful book, God spoke to me through this book many times: Heaven Begins Within You by Anselm Gruen and another book that I am reading while traveling in boat, bus or sky train, a very insightful book: School of the Holy Spirit by Aneel Aranha.

However, one thing that I really believe is that you cannot accomplish anything without God. It is wrong to believe if we control ourselves enough then we will be able to progress spiritually. This is not true at all.

If I don't obey His will, if I don't pray for His help, if I believe that it is my own ability that makes me a better person, then I would fall so hard no matter how diligently I try to restrain by body and desire. Ascetism is just a tool, it is not the answer.

Like meditation, I use to practice it very hard, feel very determined, and was hurt when I didn't seem to progress. And one day, God took me off and away during the first one or two breath of meditation, then I realized that....just let it go. If God wants to lift up my spirit, then He will, right away with just a blink of an eye. If He decides that I should not progress, then I should accept it humbly and just keep on practicing. I must try not to let aspiration, pride, and self-centering to get the best of me. If I still have these things, God won't let me progress much, I believe.

Sometimes I wonder if writing this blog is being boastful, but then I think, people can shares miracles and things that happen in their life as a witness to the world, then this blog is the same thing. It's just a sharing of a person's life. That's all. I am just one poor soul that won't be able to do anything without Jesus (and probably had already killed myself if God hadn't saved me.). How can I be boastful? There is nothing to boast about.

A Letter to My Teacher

According to an event today, I have a question that came to my mind.

I have always understood and believed that people are born to find their own destiny in life...we are here to cultivate love, to let go of hatred, to live with one another with peace and to be free from the illusions of the world.

I have also believed that each person's journey is their own personal journey and we cannot judge or decide for another person which path they should take, we cannot use our standard to measure a person's life.

I also believed that religion founders (The Buddha, Jesus Christ, etc.) are those who come to point to us what is the Ultimate Destiny and which path one can take to get there.

So, the earth is like a school that the souls come to take their human experience in order to evolve and get closer to that Ultimate Destiny, and this school have so many classes, so many teachers, so many grades.

I talked to my teacher today, I heard he said something that seems to state that all people who do not take the path of ascetism are those who are deaf and reject the truth. So I disagreed with him by saying that people are on their own different journeys, only some, when it is their own right time and they are ready, can come to ascetism, which leads directly to the Ultimate Destiny. Not everyone can take this path, if they are not ready. And my teacher seemed offended and said that I also rejected the message of truth.

And I just don't understand why he thought that I rejected the truth. I just simply do not want to use the word that regards other people on earth as stupid, deaf, blind, pigs, chickens, etc. I believe that when we are still early on our spiritual journey, we will ignore higher truth because it is not our time. Babies and todlers and primary students wouldn't want to read academic books of university students, not because they are stubborn, but it's just simply not their time. And for one moment, I felt as if his words seem to regard all others as lower than himself. That's why I spoke up, and I didn't even have an intention to offend or reject the lesson that he was about to teach me.

The words that I spoke was just an expression of opinion. I reject that we should not regard other people as being lower than ourselves, I don't reject ascetism as one of the highest spiritual path. I totally agree with that.

I know that my teacher is on a higher level and he had much more knowledge than I do. I know that he can talk about things that I can have no clues about because I have not learned that lessons yet. I never regard myself as knowing anything more than he does. If I protested a bit today, it was because I don't like hearing him saying things that regard all students as being stupid or blind if they ignore spiritual truth. It's just simply...not a loving way to teach, not a loving thing to say. Does God tell us to deliver the message, but always with "Love"? 

(Well, now that hit me on the spot. I also delivered the message of my disagreement in unloving way as well. I am sorry about that, really. I should have said it in a calmer voice and I should have listened more before I argued. That was my fault. )

But still...am I wrong about the truth that I believe in the first few paragraphs of this writing? I don't think so. I still believe that we should be focusing on loving everyone and should not regard anyone as being stupid or said anything in the way that looked down on them. I did that sometimes and God scolded me hard every time.

And if me saying this...is a judgement toward my teacher because he did not have the intention to regard anyone as lower than himself at all, but it was just me who didn't listen hard enough, then I apologize and I am sorry. I just simple disagreed in what I see. I don't want to have any "ego" fight with anyone. I only use my "ego" a bit on the matter that I am very vulnerable in this life and I just need to get stronger to survive. I never want to use it while I am learning things from my teacher because it will hinder my learning.

Today, my teacher mentioned that he would never come to teach me again if I don't listen, because it is no use to teach someone who reject the message and blind to see the truth.
I am very sad about that. Because I am not rejecting the message nor the lesson.

But today, I also let it go and prayed to God to tell my teacher that:
I am a student who is learning thing in her own level the best way that she can. She wants to find the truth about life, being free from the world, and her highest goal is to be one with the Light of Light, the Highest Form of Love.
However, she is still looking for a path that matches her level of learning and still got many questions to answer about her own life. She is considering ascetism as a path as well, but not sure about which level to take not to make it extreme. She is also unsure if she should start it on full-measure because she has not passed some other lessons before that one yet.

But if my teacher really thinks that I am not fit to be his student anymore, maybe it is best for him to find another student who is on a higher grade than me. This is not an ego-speaking. I say it because I don't want him to waste the time on me if God does not meant for it to be so.

And if God has assigned him to give me a message so he has to do it before he can go free, then he can just deliver the message to me, and I will record it down although I may not understand everything. And he can seclude himself in private place like a desert monk the way he always mentions it as something he has longed to do. If being out in the world with people really bothers his spirit that much, then I don't want to be one of those who bothers him.

I am thankful and grateful for everything he has done for me, really. That is from the the heart. But I also prayed that God will deliver the message for me. I am a student who is willing to learn. But if my teacher does not see me as fit for learning. Then what can I say?

It is true "a student should go to a teacher, not a teacher go to a student." that is true.
But if the teacher does not want to teach a student who is willing to learn. Then...
I guess the student will have to find another teacher. What else can she do?

A Little Use of the "EGO"

Everybody knows that "ego" is something that we will finally have to get rid of if one is meant to pursue spiritual development. However, it is esteemed as one of the hardest thing, the last thing, that a person can leave behind. And I totally agree with that.

At this point of my life, many times I know that I must try to make this thing soften down in order to humble myself and learn. But I also learn that...ego itself is a protection for those who are not yet strong inside (and I am included.) It is a good protection from hurt and it is a thing to cling to when one needs to make a correct action while feeling very weak inside.

The ego is a little useful now. I will keep some part of it while it is necessary. I will try my best and pray that God will help me totally let it go at the end, of course. But for "Now" I need it in order to separate myself from something that I am emotionally attached to. The ego will help me walk away because it is the right thing to do. Actually, I am very thankful that I have just discovered that it is a very right thing to do. The ego will help me ignore my pain, ignore the tears, and move forward to a change of action. The heart is weak, but with the "ego" you can shrug, and say "so what? I will keep my dignity now. I will do the right thing for myself and others. I don't care how I feel inside."

So many times I wonder why some women needs to act so macho in order to show others that they are strong, that they "just don't care a bit." Now I understand that a little ego is very necessary for them to survive while making that big change, while dealing with their own emotional attachment. I don't blame anyone for this. It is definitely necessary at this part of their life.

The ego can also lessen the pain down a bit. It can't erase the pain, of course. But it will keep the person head on their shoulder, help them survive another day, tell them that they will be ok and encourage them that they will be able to make it. The heart might feel like a glass that is about to break into pieces but the ego hold it together. Keep it alive.

The "ego" is something to get rid of. Yes, that is for sure. But...at the right time.

Am I writing this blog with my ego? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But when I think about it, people learn from each other anyway...we even learn from each other's mistakes. I never shout that anyone to believe or agree with what I say...everybody has their own thought and consideration. At least, if they see how foolish is my writing, they will learn not be like me, hehe!

Anyway, even if this blog affects no one. It now affects me in a positive way because it helps me put my thoughts in order and record it for future review.

I will believe my "ego" a bit this time.

A few things about demon oppression

- It can happen so suddenly. Maybe right after a period of time when your spirit has been peaceful and filled with joy. A big contradiction.

- It can be transferred between persons or spread like communicable diseases

-It makes you feel weird inside yourself, as if there is a darkness residing in it.

-It makes you unable to think clearly as if there is a fog in your head blogging you from seeing things the way they are.

-It makes you do things without awareness, as if part of your subconsciousness manipulates you to do things that will result in troubles for yourself or others.

-It can suddenly put evil and ugly thoughts right inside your head, no matter where you are. I got that ugly thought right in the middle of church, just as I was standing in a row to receive the Eucharist. How horrified I felt, can you imagine?

-It can put thoughts inside your head while you are asleep or half asleep, a thought that slipped in so quickly as if it popped up out of nowhere. You are being forced to be aware of that thought. Sometimes God put thoughts in your head this way, too, but I learn now that the big difference is that thoughts from evil makes you wake up and worried and afraid and anxious and scared, or...confused, at least. But if the thought is from God, when you wake up it brings peace and understanding and serenity and joy.

-In my case, I can feel myself having strange effect on other people, it is like inside my body there is a wave that attract some people in a bad way or scare away some sensitive people as if they can feel that devil inside me. 

-It can make you physically sick or hurt. A sickness or pain that happened to the body suddenly without a cause and can vanish immediately just by simple prayer.

-Horrible series of non-stop nightmares...particularly it will make you be the person who do bad things in the dream so that you will wake up and feel bad about yourself. 

Now....the good parts. I also learn something important about what to do when these things happen from a recent experience. Of course, prayer is always necessary but also....

-Positive thoughts can help clear away this dark power over you. Keep hoping, keep believing, keep thinking that no matter what this darkness cannot win over you because you belong to the light. If I let fear have influence over me when I am under oppression, my condition gets worse and worse, but when I let hope and faith shine more brightly. The darkness seems to go away.

-See God in everything and everyone. See beauty in everything and everyone. Focus on the good of others or the good of an event, althought the event may seem terrible.  Stop judging others but do everything with a clear and good intention.

-Admit your own false or your own mistakes in front of God. Don't be to prideful, because that's the channel that the devils can grab you tightly.

-Ask for help from Mother Mary, Jesus, or Archangel Michael when evil spirits disturb the body directly.

-Avoid all sources of evil in media (songs, TV, movies, etc.) 

-Don't hate the demons. Love them anyway.

-Holy water..to drink or pour over your head. But you must do it with belief. (now I'm gonna go get one.)

-Fasting. (strange but true, it works) 

- If none works, consult an exorcist priest.

I don't know if this thing has left me yet, but I will not give up this time. I will try my best to fight and keep on believing that everything that happened is meant for the good. One day I will understand why God allows such bad experience to happen.  I will keep on trusting and obeying His voice, as much as a poor soul like me can. I know that if He wants to free me from it, He can do with just a blink of an eye. But if He doesn't, then He has a good reason for it.

At least I should be grateful that it is an oppression, not a possession.

A Child Who Almost Become A Smoker

The latest book that I translated was "Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr." Doing this work brought back some memory from my adolescence years.

One day, when I was about 12 years old, someone  gave me a cigarette and said "let's try this together!"

I was scared. Having heard so much from school about how cigarette is one of the addictive drugs that can kill you in the end, I felt like I was in front of something scary. But at the same time, curiousity exists in the mind of every child. This is one chance to try something that no adult would allow you to. So I tried it.

I lit up the cigarette and  sucked a bit of the smoke into my mouth and let it out through my nose. Oh Wow! It did make me feel really good. I guess it must have been a menthol cigarette or something because I felt the smoke was cool and relaxing.

I was very lucky. I refused to take the second cigarette because I was lucky....
Here are the reasons that prevented me from taking more.

- The first cigarette tasted good and I thought "that's why people get addicted to it, I must stop now before it's too late!" I knew that I was one of those weak people who get addicted to things very easily. So I was scared and didn't take another cigarette although I was offerred. Allen Carr said that many people became smokers because their first cigarette tasted very bad and they thought they would never get addicted. In my case, the first cigarette tasted good and it scared the hell out of me.

- I didn't know how to puff the smoke into my lungs. All that I did was just getting it in my mouth and let it out my nose. So nicotine from the first cigarette didn't really get that deep into my body.

-I was lucky that my elementary school has shown this scary movie about cigarette and lung cancer. I remember that the film and slide show were very frightening. It even had background music like a ghost movie and the narrator sounded as if he was telling us a story about an evil monster. It imprinted on the subconsciousness my mind that "cigarette" is "evil" and "scary."

-I was lucky that no one around me put the idea that "cigarette is a cool and chic thing" into my head. I didn't have the motivation to smoke other than a bit of curiosity. And one cigarette was enough to quench my curiosity.

So I was just one lucky child who almost become a smoker. Maybe God pitied me because He knows that after I grew up I would be getting addicted to so many things anyway. No need to add cigarette in. I am a social network addict, mobile phone addict,
a tea addict, a traveling addict, etc.

I think I might have to use "Allen Carr's Easy Way" to help me although I am not a smoker.
This man really found what he was born to do and his technique is so simple and true. He had turn the suffering past of his life into a way to help other people. I really respect that.
And I'm glad that being a translator helped me find this book.

By God's Mercy Alone

I remember asking myself one important question, "how can one accept pain and suffering with peaceful heart?" I tried to look back to the latest severely painful time and find what helped me go through it. The answer seems to be something that I can't explain. I did not pass the lesson. It seems that I survived by prayers from other people and by the mercy of God, not anything that I did or did not do. I went to church one day and suddenly God lifted my spirit up to become hopeful and faithful again. All that I did was just saying "yes" to Him and said that I will try again.

The week leading to Christmas was wonderful for me. It seems as if there is a gentle wind of peace come blowing into my life tenderly, healing the pain and pouring in the light and joy. The last Sunday before Christmas, God gave me the most wonderful gift, "His Presence" after I received the Eucharist in the church. I closed my eyes and it was as if I saw the sky and a rainbow and a presence of someone who is total LOVE. A love so great that it can cover the whole universe, so pure that that there is nothing to fear, so precious that there is nothing more you can desire.

Then, after Christmas has passed, the evil wind started blowing right back on. Someone taught me a way to deal with suffering, "Give it up to God. When the thought that makes you suffer come to your mind, let it go, stay with the present, doing whatever thing you do, accept that you suffer and give it all up to God. Do not think about the person who make you suffer. Just accept that you are hurt." Then the situation came and I tried to use this advice. I tried to accept the pain, the sadness, try not to make it turn into anger and bitterness against the one who hurts me. I tried not to think about it and stay with the present. But after a while, negative thoughts started to come in. I kept on trying but I am not one who can control my own thoughts. It seem that they can come and go inside my head as they please. So far, meditation doesn't help.  In the end, all I could do was asking God for help"please, please, don't let this feeling turn into hatred, ...please help me...I can't do it."

After a while, God healed it. And I didn't feel the anger and bitterness anymore.

So..one of the answers to the question mentioned above...the way to survive during pain and suffering with peace...is prayer.

I think God has a very good reason to send Jesus on Earth. There must be many weak people like me down here who can't just got up and be good. We need His help always.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.