Rest in Peace, my beloved King

Since I was a child, I have heard my parents and everyone around me talk about the great King, our beloved "Nai Luang." As I grew up, I read and watched so many stories about him, about how he had labored all through his life for the well-being of his people, about the great talents and intelligence he had and how he always used them for the good of the people. I also heard about how humble he lived. How he never throw away things after they are broken. He always got them repaired  although he had plenty of money to buy new ones. He never lived luxuriously or waste money on any extravagance although he was a king. I heard about how he went through difficulties travelling to those small villages in remote area and did many things to help the people there to have better lives. I heve heard about how he stay up late at night to get the projects for his people done, how he sent urgent help right away, before anyone, to those who were hit by disasters. All through my life, the King of Thailand always did something for his people, never for himself.

I have also read his words that he tried to teach his people how to be true human being, The more I grow up, the more I could see how precious his speeches and his teachings are, and how he always be a model of what he teaches others. His simple and beautiful words always teach us to be good, to be useful for others, to be kind and generous, to live simply, to be responsible in our duties, to never give up when faced with obstacles, etc. All the things he teach us to do and to be, he could really do and he could really be. He has all those qualities within himself. My beloved King is truly one of the greatest person on earth. And I want to say it out of the bottom of my heart that I am lucky to have been born under his reign, to know what a truly great king is like and  to know what is like to have loyalty for a King. And now that he passed away, I felt an urge in my heart to be loyal to my own country and to do things for the sake of others, just to honor him,,,my beloved king.

Think about it...King Bhumibol lived his life exactly the way Jesus teaches us to live.

Now I understand why on that day....God used the King of Thailand as a symbol in my dream.
Before I became a true believer, when I was just beginning to know God, I didn't understand why Jesus could die on the cross and forgive sins of others. I just simply didn't get the idea, didn't understand how it could possibly happen that way. So I prayed to God...I didn't understand the matter of Jesus dying on the cross to forgive sins...I didn't understand, dear God...can you help me to understand.

And that very night, I had this dream. I saw King Bhumibol sitting near a window. He looked out the window and was so sad to see his people being plagued with so many diseases, so he decided to receive the diseases of his people onto his own body. I saw the King's body covered with terrible wound and scars and in my dream I understood that he want to receive that pain because he loves his people so much.

When I woke up, I understood right away, that this symbolic dream is the answer to my prayer. This is how God explains to me the matter of Jesus dying on the cross to forgive our sins.

And God uses King Bhumibol as the symbol of Jesus in my dream...because he's truly the greatest King.

Rest in Peace...my beloved King. Although I'm so sad that our country has lost you but I'm also glad that you are in Heaven now, after all the labor, after all the pain...

I promise that the little light that I have in this simple lowly heart, I will try to make it shine...for others and for this land.

This One For You...Mother Mary

For a Christian converted to Catholic, it is not easy to have much belief or much faith on Virgin Mary. Nevertheless, I have found my peace on this matter and I've come to love her quite a lot.
I should have written this post a long time ago in honor of her.

I discover that we can't use reasons or information to believe in someone unseen or invisible like God, Jesus, or Mother Mary, it has to come by experience only. Books and stories about Virgin Mary in details doesn't help me to believe at all, but now I love her because she shows me that she loves me and she is there to help. And I slowly feel her presence or existence in my life by the following:

- She answered my petitions. I don't pray to her to grant me things because I  believe that's what God and Jesus do, but I believe that she can send out her special prayer for us, like all the saints, but much much more. I do ask her to pray for me sometimes, particularly on feminine matter and small little things that women care about. I also ask her on relationship.

-When I was attacked by dark spirit, many times I heard Mother Mary songs in my head and felt that she comes to help and once I heard the deepest of me praying the rosary automatically while I was in deep spiritual trouble. Once, the demon got me in the throat and I couldn't breath. I prayed the rosary prayer and the problem at my throat disappeared at that moment.

-I had a dream that a just-pass-away person whom I know come to tell me that "if you need anything, ask Mother Mary. She'll help" And that was when I was about to translate books about her.

-I remember standing in front of her smiling statue and found the peace inside, since when I had no knowledge about her at all, even before I become a Catholic.

I just want to write this post down to honor her, because I used to plunged into a confusion and disbelief because there was a lot of information out there that I used to read about "the cult of Virgin Mary" and how it is a false belief. Those information got in my head a lot and I had a hard time for a period.

Well, to speak the truth, I don't really know how much the details of those Virgin Mary books are true about her. But it doesn't matter. I can learn all about it after I die. I don't know everything now on Earth. What I need to know I already know, Mother Mary is there and she loves me and she helps me.


Thank you...Thank you so much. I love you too, Mother Mary.

My Problem About "Carrying the Cross"

I read something and it says that if you willingly accept the cross, there will be the light of the Lord accompanying you along the way, so I do an experiment tonight.

I said 'Yes' to it, and in the beginning it was good. There seem to be some strength to carry on with my duties. But then, after a while, it's gone. All that is left for me is just sadness and fear.

There is a specific matter that I kept asking the Lord not to put the cross on me, because it hurts too much. The problem about it is that every time it happens, I'm starting to lose the faith, I fell down into the deep depression. The problem about it is that it always happen either before or after days that I receive spiritual blessing or plan to or try to. After it happened, my faith would be terribly destroyed. The problem about it is I see no lights after carrying this specific cross. Just more and more darkness and fear. Less and less faith.

The hurt caused to me from a specific person has terrible effect on my mental health. But what's worse about it is the hatred of myself and the doubt that I have toward the Lord more and more whenever this specific suffering happens.

I know that life can't be without sufferings. Never expect mine to be without them. But there is a specific matter that I wish the Lord would be kind to spare me from, I wish that the yoke on this one would be softer. I heard that the Lord won't give you too much to carry, but whenever this one happen, I have more and more doubt about that verse in the Bible. I know that my ordeal and suffering are much less in magnitude when compared to that of some other people, but I am particularly very weak in some specific spots in my heart, and this suffering keeps strumming on that pain. And I see no good in it...no...

So far, the result of the experiment that I tried tonight is that there "seem to be" some light in the beginning and then it's gone.

This event of suffering, resulting from my fault and I admitted it, but it was an accident and I already asked the Lord to forgive me, and I already said sorry to the person being harmed but it seemed that the person  intentionally did something to hurt me and refused to hear my apology.

The same vicious cycle is about to begin...

The fear and anxiety, and the heaviness and pain in the chest and the stomach, the dreadful hours before an important event I plan to make some effort for my spirituality, destroying my hope and faith and my desire to do anything good for my spirituality. The depression...The desire to die...

I think if there is no change by tomorrow. I'm gonna let the Devil win....again...

I'm gonna care nothing about the spiritual event that I am about to join, unless something would happen to revive my faith tomorrow.

I'm gonna be asking and praying the thing that Christian not suppose to do, I think  I have to....

"Take this cross away from me. Take this cross away from me."
without the ending part, "Yet thy will be done"

At least, there was a moment I did try, but I don't know whether it matters. This suffering does me no good so far,,,,the light and the strength are all gone. The negative thoughts crowded my head and the pain in my chest would prevent me from sleeping without a sleeping pill tonight.

The only positive thought I can have now is....at least there is that pill.

How can you tell me you're lonely and say for you the sunshine don't shine?

Today is another bad day. That's what I thought. I woke up depressed and the mood went on for more than half a day. There were troubles here and there all through the day.

But then, I found this song on Youtube, an old folk song that I used to listen to when I was young.
I watched and I cried and thought how far I am from being totally alone and deprived of all the good things.

I know that I won't be able to do much good to the world, if I can't find peace within myself. As long as I can't find that "water" that Jesus talked about, the water once drink, and you won't be thirst again, then I won't have a lot of peace and a lot of love to share to others. I still have a hard time trying to connect to the Lord, deep within me. If I found that deep peace, then my mission to the world might begin. If not, then I would have to continue being depressed and anxious with all the problems centering on myself and my life, instead of reaching out to others.

But tonight I found that my dreams don't die. They are just asleep. I dream that one day I could be one human being that make this world a little better place for the poor and lonely on the streets, and be someone who has a part in creating peace and harmony among the people in this world, creating the Kingdom of the Lord right here on Earth.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta's book used to touch me deeply. But I just know that the first thing I need to do now is not going out there and trying to become a volunteer by my own effort. I felt a call that I need to find this peace within me somehow, before I can start doing anything good.

It's just a dream, anyway. (Sigh)

Beware of This Movie; The Devil Wants You to Believe It Doesn't Exist

A movie can be a powerful way to send message to people. In our world full of media, we should be careful what we take in and how much we should believe it. And in my opinion, this movie is very powerful in sending the "wrong" message.

It is truly and engaging film and keep the audience stick to the screen, well-done in terms of quality of the making. I have to admit that I was drawn into it for almost the whole time. But then the twist at the end makes me realize....oh this movie is from the dark side. It just simply want to tell people that...don't worry...there's no such thing like ritual abuse or satanic worship. People make it up. The Survivors make it up. They are crazy or they have hidden agenda. This is a very dangerous message because these things are real. It happens more and more often these days. There are cases that people are killed and tortured because of satanic worship. There are evidences out there if one truly wants to do a research on it.

Moreover, they try to present God and Church as unbelievable and not trustworthy. Church was presented as a place where bad people can hide and continue their lies. The only pastor presented in this film look really unloving, stern and annoying, as if intended to make people get bad impression on pastors and priests. And in the ending,  the Bible and the cross, are thrown away or ignored by the main character. They were given to him as a protection but then the film makes the audience feel that it's all a lie, so it is actually speaking what Christian people believe about the Bible and the power of the Cross is a lie too. Very dangerous message indeed.

I must say that the film maker (director) does get a talent in producing such an engrossing thrilling film. But it's just sad that such a talent is used in sending this terrible message to people.

If you want to know more about satanic ritual abuse cases or find evidence about it, you can start with the website in the URL below and continue from there. It is truly one of the most horrible thing that human can ever done to other human being...and it is REAL. It exists. Heaven is a place of pure goodness and beauty. Hell is a place of pure darkness and horror. Satan is trying to make our earth be as close to Hell as possible. And we can't be blind to that.

May this post be written for the sake of Our Lord Jesus Christ, our true Salvation. Amen.

https://survivorship.org/ritual-abuse-evidence/

Why We Should Not Boast

It takes me so many years before I can really understand the reason why God tell us not to boast. I heard sayings like accomplishment speaks for itself, so do not boast. But it's not easy to understand why boasting is bad. What's wrong with telling others about your accomplishment when it is a reality? This used to be my question. But now I got the answer.

Often, during the time that I was depressed, heart-broken, and quite hopeless about life,  I overheard someone speaking so happily about how lucky he or she had been about love, about life. It cut like a knife. I felt like I wanted to shut my ear and scream. Sometimes it caused jealousy to happen inside. Sometimes it didn't but it made me sad anyway. Then I remember going to funeral or wedding when I had to sit at a table where people were boasting to each other  about how cool their new car was or how brilliant their future plan was going to be. They were really "boasting", it's not just their words alone. They were laughing and speaking through their eyes...see how great my life is? see how successful I am? My life is happier than yours. It was such a pain sitting at a table with them. It was like sitting with a bunch of devils who try to put people down by stamping on them with boastful words. And I remember one of my best friends saying "you know, I really can't stand people who talk like they think they are superior than everyone."

Nobody wants to be reminded of what they lack or what they have lost or what they have failed or they want but never get a chance to have. And when we boast, it's like we do just that...we remind them that they don't have what we have. We may not have the intention to hurt them but we hurt them anyway.

Now I look back and regret the times when I boasted about my success, my life, my trip, my love...etc. I thought I didn't do anything wrong but I wasn't thinking about how what I said might affect those who hear it. Now I think it's wiser to keep my happiness inside and act humbly in front of others. It's not an easy thing to do but I'm trying anyway. I admit that I'm not good at being humble at all because my heart can be hard and unbending at times and I'm a natural-born Leo. But at least I see now why I should try that.

If there is anything boastful in this blog, please forgive me and know that I didn't intentionally do it.

PS. The picture is from the internet. It's not mine.

Kindness of a Tree

Picture source : http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3069532/Hugging-trees-cures-cancer.html

I want to share this experience.  One day, after a quarrel, I had been crying. Although we already reconciled but I still felt depleted. The area was a green place with body of water,  plants and big trees. It was a very peaceful atmosphere and I felt some healing energy around. I am currently  translating Pranic Healing Book. It includes a part that says human can absorb pranic energy or life energy from trees. So I decided to try absorbing some energy from a large tree nearby. I asked permission from the tree to absorb its excess of energy and placed my hand on the trunk. It was so amazing. I felt like some electricity rushed through my hand, I felt loved, and I cried tears of joy. It was such a wonderful experience. 

Nature has been my healing source so many, many times in my life. I owe so much to her and I also said thank you to that tree by praying for it after I came home that evening. 

Survive After the Storm

When looking back through one of the most difficult periods of life, it is useful to think back and see what helped me survive through it. I was suicidal, terribly depressed and devastated, but I did survive  until the storm was over. (Thanks God it was over, at least for now.)

Here is the summary of what helped me:

- I was almost get trapped inside a mental hospital, but my parents saved me out of it. My mother asked me to promise her not to kill myself. She trusted me and she let me stay free from the hospital. And how could I possibly hurt her or betray her. I saw pain and sorrow in her eyes because she was so worried about me. So when I said I promised I really meant it.

-So many people sent their encouragement, even those who I didn't expect that they still think of me and care about me.

- I got some good anti-depression medicine and also another one for anxiety and hallucination

- Most importantly, I could not hate Jesus. I went to church on Holy Friday and was reminded of all the agony he went through during his trial and sufferings and crucifixion. Somehow I couldn't deny that it was all for me and for everyone in the world. My life was bad, but it would be much worse without his gift of salvation. I could not help but cried and said thank you to him. Somehow I still feel my love for him. Then I felt my heart melted and I felt a desire to surrender all to Jesus. I didn't really have the courage to do it all of a sudden like some people do, but I felt that deep desire to surrender, slowly and gradually, to God's will.

- God led me to two very good books. They talked about how to handle pain and fear and worry. One of the books is called "Fear" written by Thich Nhat Hanh. What I got out of the book and put into practice is how to stay with the moment and see the seed of fear and worry come up from deep within me, love it and hold it gently, and let it go back to sleep. I shouldn't be frantically pushing it away. I shouldn't be angry at it. Just let it peacefully come and go. There's something about Thich Nhat Hanh books and the way he preaches. Every time I hear his teaching, I felt a deep peace within. He must have a lot of God's light and love within him so much that it overflows to others. He is not against Jesus. He knows how universal truth is united into one. The other book was "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It teaches me how to stay deeply aware of the present moment, not to let my mind wander to the past and to the future, and create my own pain, which are all illusion. This one is helpful when I practice too.

- One of the most important factors of all, the man I love didn't leave me on the road like I fear he would. Somehow we are still together and somehow I began to notice that many times he sacrificed his own happiness for me. I prayed to God and it seemed that the prayer is slowly being answered. Maybe not all of a sudden, but he seemed to try harder not to hurt me with his anger and I was reminded by God lately that I should care more about his feelings as well. Love still carries us together on the river to the ocean. And I am still grateful...so very, very grateful..that he is in my life.
There are things that can be hard to take in a person, but it doesn't matter if love is stronger. We passed through a lot of ups and downs and I really hope that if our heart is united into the love of God, then that's the way how we can permanently be together. Our own self are so fragile and selfish. We need to hang on to God in order to learn how to love each other. And God has never left us.

That's all the things I remember when looking back...at the end of the storm.

The Road Less Taken...And Its Tragic Result

Once I saw a split on the road

One is well-worn, well-treaded

Almost all my friends and family walk on it

My ancestors walked on it

This is the way life should be, they said

This is how it's done

This is how life suppose to be

It's a boring, up and down road

But not too bad, we'll all make it through


But I saw another road there

The road less taken

It looked refreshing and new

It seemed to lead to a beautiful mountain

And I heard there is a rainbow on the top

And I had an adventurous spirit, back then

I was a mountain-climber back then

I had so much life in me 

So much strength in me

back then.


The road was so tempting

The road was so beautiful

Then I saw a man

He said, let's walk this road together

We will journey on a new path together

We will climb that mountain

And reach that rainbow together


"Ok" I said 

He gave me a hand and I took it.

He said "Let me carry your heart for you"

And I gave it to him.

But forgot to ask for his.


We start on the road less taken

Moving further and further away 

From the well-worn road

At first it was fun

The wood was fascinating

The rough path was challenging

So many flowers on the way too

And our hands  were in each other

All the time


But then it grew darker and darker

But then the storm began to blow

But then the thorns broke my shoes

And made my foot bleed


"Can we stop?" I asked.

"It hurt real bad 
I can't keep up with your pace now"

He shook his head. "No, just keep going"

"We don't have much time to waste"



I tried to keep on walking

But the wound got worse 

Infected and swollen

I began to lose my strength

My body shook in the storm

So cold, so cold, so cold


"Can we stop for a while?" I asked again
"I'm so weak now. I can't go on"
He began to get mad
"Why are you slowing me down?"
"Why can't you just keep on walking?
It's just a wound!
See, I have had many cuts and wound
but I'm ok.
You should be like me.
You should follow my example. 
You know it's a dangerous road



He dragged me on through bushes and thorns

I had more cut. I lost more blood. 

The road is darker, no more light

No more flowers to be seen.

I felt a dizziness 

I knew I was about to faint

And then I did faint


I whispered to him "I really can't go on.

No more strength is in me.

I need rest. I need healing. 

Could you help me find some herb and water?"


Unwillingly, he let me rest.

One minute, then he said,

"You know it's my goal

I want to walk this path

I want to reach that mountain

I want to see the rainbow.

I thought we share the same goal"

But now you stop walking

And I don't have much time because the road is long.

You can stay here, but I can't."


He's about to let go of my hand

So I begged, "don't leave me, please don't leave

You have my heart with you."

So he said, "here, I give it back."

And he gave me a piece of plastic

It was not my heart.

The man was not aware 

That he has swallowed my heart

My heart had blended into him

And there was no way that I could take it back


And then he said, 
"I can wait no longer."
"I will walk ahead, follow me if you can"
"But if you can't, then I can't help." 


He began to walk away

With my heart in his body.

Not knowing that he is killing me.

I am feeling my body frozen

I am running out of blood

I am dying slowly a painful death

No traveler can travel without strength

No hiker can climb any mountain 

Or find any rainbow

Without her own heart. 


Then I saw people on another road

Those that I knew

My friends, family, ancestors...

They walk the usual path

They fare well and they are fine.

Their pace is slow, there is no mountain to climb

There is no fancy rainbow at the end of their road

But what matter is that they are not lost.

They are not left alone to die.



It was an icy cold night

And I was in the middle of nowhere

And the road ahead look empty, dry and long

I had come too far to turn back 

I had come too far to change my path 

I had come too far from the split of the road


I have picked the road less taken

There is no way of turning back

I  made even a worse mistake

I chose to walk that wild and crazy road with a man

I chose to give my heart into his hand



I looked around.

No more water to be found

No more fire, blanket

My whole legs are infected

And there is no medicine.


I tried to crawl...with the last drop of my strength

Hoping to catch up with him

But his figure looked smaller and smaller

Further and further away

And I bled..and bled..and bled


So...

When the pain become too unbearable

And all the hope are dried up

I looked around and looked around

And I saw a cliff

A place to jump

A choice is there again

Plunging to the darkness

Forgetting everything

Ending the misery

Or struggle here

And die slowly and painfully


So this this the story

of a road less taken

and its tragic end. 


Hope other travelers learn from me. 

A Search for Peace of Mind

After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,

Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:

God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference

             

This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!  

- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)

- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem. 

- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However,  I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort  to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.

So I lack all three. Period. 

But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.

This song heals me

Today, as I was working on the computer inside a coffee shop, I thought of this song, I used to recommend it to a friend and she commented today that it was powerful and beautiful. So I decided that I would listen to it again, just simply a feel-like-to-do it feeling out of the blue.

As the song began just a few second, tears brimmed my eyes, I felt I was lifted up. And when the refrain came up, I felt a power came into my heart and wiped away the pain. I cried tears of joy. I didn't know why I cried, but it felt like I was  brought into an ocean of prayers, like a prayer for humanity. We all suffer down here. We are in pain. Please help us. Let Your kingdom come.

I felt loved, I felt a presence of Love. And somehow I felt that Christ is truly the light and I didn't know why I felt that. It just happened inside my heart.

I felt like this song, this prayer, goes out to all who suffer on earth. I want to be a part of it. I want those who hurt receive healing and comfort. Then my heart begins to have a little hope for the future, a little desire to repent. And I also prayed for the one who hurt me, and I might have hurt him too.

These past few days, I struggled hard to keep my faith and trust in the Lord. When I think of the vicious cycle of darkness that kept repeating itself over and over, I thought of suicide. Actually, I've been planning carefully my suicide.

I will not say that this song can completely remove me from suicidal state.  But it truly gives me something that I haven't felt for such a long time.....

The Presence of the Lord.

The Wall Between Me and Them

There are many good people around me who try to help. They are so nice. I want them to have a good life and have all the happiness. I want my mom and dad to know that they did their best and that I love them so much, but I just can't stop this agony and they can't stop it for me. There are friends who care, there are those who pray, I want them all to be happy with their lives.

But I want to tell them that there is a wall that lock me in and you can't come in to the place where I am tormented.

The matter is between me and this man and God himself. No one can come to resolve it.
This man, he himself has all the capabilities to free me from the pain, the only human who can, But he would try to do it for a while (when God tells him to), then strum my heart with more pain. He doesn't really try to reach out to me when I'm in the dark. While all the others...all the others....they really try to reach out but they get stuck with the wall.

And today there is another incident that seems to show that God has abandoned me.
I think I have been cheated by a criminal, they took my money away and they don't send me the drug. The last element of my equipment to set myself away from the Earth. It make me feel even worse, worse, worse that even my attempt to suicide is blocked. Moreover, all attempts to reach a counselor is also blocked. God usually comes at the right end to save me, but I guess he's already given up on me. He already have enough of his saints. Maybe God already know that I am one of those destined to the dark.

I will not stop, as long as I can, I'll try to get that drug somehow. I will get that drug someday, even if it means I have to order it from another country. My set of equipment will be complete in the end.

I have tried the left turn, I'm facing forever torment and darkness. Now I will try the right turn, I will not be able to live long, and in the end there would be darkness and death anyway. I've said it before. Both road lead to darkness. I've tried to look for other paths but there's none.

I wish those who live life with normal ups and downs would continue on happily. I wish all my friends and family to be really happy. I don't want people who love me to fall into such a darkness. I wish I could tell them, if I somehow manage to die, that I'm just finding an escape path out of misery. There is nothing they can do to help me. It's not their fault.

And I wish that in the end...I would be able to forgive him.

Some songs of Suicide

Hearing this song, making me less alone too. I guess this one has it worse than me, for having no one to cry for. He stood it for five years and that's a long, long time already.

And below is another beautiful song, if the man I love could love me this much, I would change my mind. This is a song of a person who loves another person so much and try everything to stop her suicide decision. And the very last verse of the song proves it. So beautiful. I wish I were that girl he loves.( Just another day dream)

Some Interesting Quotes about Suicide

This episode of darkness recurs again, just what I had expected. The cycle will never end. And the Lord seemed to abandon me.  I've come to think that so many people are lost souls in this world. Maybe I'm just one of them. One of those lost souls. One of those who tried her best to walk with the Lord but then failed. I don't know how many people in this world are like me. People always adore and talk about the saints. They say, look all these saints bravely endure all pain and suffering and torment and finally overcome everything. They don't talk about those who tried and failed and fallen into the dark, They don't talk about Christian who committed suicide. They only talk about the saints.
But I guess this post can be information from another side, A voice of those who live in the dark.

What hurt me the most is that... I asked God to take this particular heavy cross away from me forever, just this particular one. And God....like usual.....seems to give me that hope. It's gone...long enough to give me that hope that it will be gone forever, and then....one day...bam!! I was shot, stabbed, tortured...just like before.

This man can be a manifestation of the Lord and of the Devil, One day he be a saint, another day he can be just an abusive person who hurt another one who is weaker than him.  He was possessed tonight and he tortured me with his words.

So prayers don't work. If prayers don't work...nothing else in this world will.  

This time I've almost got all the equipment ready, lack only one thing.  Someone was kind to give me phone number of counselor but that counselor was never there to receive my phone. But now I've got phone number of those who sell pills and drugs instead.

I think if it is a cycle, that means tormenting moments for the rest of my life. If I walked away from him, I face darkness. If I stay and he torture me, I face darkness. I've asked for other doors where I can see light,  that door can never happen for me.

I found some quotes on the internet, make me feel less lonely in my agony. There are suicidal people in this world who experience this kind of torment. These are their quotes:

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” 

In my case it's worse, there are days that when I'm awake, I'm in a nightmare, and when I fall asleep I have nightmare too. Tormenting nonstop.

“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.” 

“and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart.” 

I understand exactly how she feels. I want him dead too, deep inside.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”

Perfect answer. 

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”

Yes, so true. I've fought it. I fought the idea.  I put it as the last idea. But then it press and press and press me until I can't stand any longer. 

“I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me.

That is what I want to say to so many people. 

“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them.”

“If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.”  Just the right word, just how it feels, bleeding at the soul

“Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.” 

Am I one who is predestined to it? It's become the main goal right now.

The Plight of Jealousy

Jealousy is one of the things that seem to have been around me since I was a child. It is like a black fire burning inside a person. It has many levels, starting from the little prick of pain that you feel in the heart when someone you love pay too much attention on someone else, or when someone is so happy while you are so sad, then grow into the fire that burns and burns with rage inside. If one doesn't control it, it will  result into the desire to hurt another person behind their back. It will become a feeling of satisfaction when we sees someone who has always get all the luck, got blow with the big bad fortune. It will turn you into a dark monster in secret. It will make you want to curse someone with some horrible spell.  

Although I can't usually make jealousy go away, I usually don't get so far to that severe condition. I've always tried to control my jealousy, containing the fire to burn only myself, not others. But it's not an easy thing to do. It depends on the condition of mind and spirit,  On the days that I'm strong inside, I can almost make it go away, or I'd rather say it goes away by itself. I will feel nothing when I see the person happy. I will feel happy for him or her too. If the prick of jealousy occurs, then I will just keep it inside, smile and go along with everything and everyone. It will not have much power or influence on anything. But on the days that I'm weak, like lately, it's so hard to control. It begins to result into action, some terrible thoughts, some hurtful words that make the people I love feel uncomfortable or guilty, some plans to manipulate situations, avoidance of people and circumstances, and moments that I have to cry alone in agony.

I really don't know how to make jealousy go away. It seems to be one of those things that go away by itself when you are healthy spiritually. People with healthy spirit feel happy when they see others happy. People who feel hurt or pain when seeing others happy are sick inside. When you feel that every other human is just another version of yourself,  if you really feel that we are one, then there is no reason to be jealous at all. But that sort of feeling doesn't always happen. In my weak days, like yesterday, I see my mom joyfully talking with someone that I dislike, someone that hurts me when my parents are not around, I tried to tell myself over and over "it's good that they're happy, it's good that they're peaceful and on good term with each other, the world will be a more peaceful place when more people are peaceful toward one another." But the pain will not go away and the darkness doesn't leave. All I can do is just cry, put my hands on my ears, and try to stay faraway from the scene as much as possible.

On the days that my spirit was strong, I used to love and forgive this person although she didn't look at me positively. I used to be so forgiving for I know of the hard childhood she's been through. But lately it seems that I can't do that no more. Sometimes I even have the desire to get rid of her from this neighborhood. I guess it's because of now her life is better than before, she boasts it all out and look down on me, trying to show how she has become more successful. But more than anything, it is because my spirit is in such an awful condition. I don't know how much I negatively interpret her actions. Maybe it is mostly the demon inside me.

If I can't stop jealousy inside my mind, at least I will have to stop the actions. I know that the best I can do right now is to stop myself from "doing" anything to any person  that I feel jealous or envy. Lately, I finally was able to "stop" myself from doing the wrong thing; keeping some information from one of my friends so that she will not come to an event. She didn't do anything wrong, absolutely nothing. It's just that the man that I love pay too much attention on her every time and praises her so often. Imagine it, your loved one praising another woman so much while criticizing you so much. Imagine that pain.

But she really didn't do anything wrong and she is a wonderful person.  I will do everything to  stop the demon inside me from hurting her.

Nevertheless, no matter what I do, I cannot stop the pain of jealousy from burning me. I will have to avoid some events and circumstances, I will have to cry alone in agony. These are things that I won't be able to stop anyway. Jealousy is fire. It burns. Jealousy is knife. It stabs and cuts. Someone has to get hurt. Let it be me.

Until one day, maybe the Lord has mercy and I somehow be able to climb out of this the pit of despair and depression. Maybe one day, when I'm stronger inside....maybe it will go away. Maybe I can feel, like I used to feel some time ago, that we are all one. Their happiness is also my happiness,

Two Big Questions

A very nice Catholic lady who knows me from work have compassion for my depressive condition.
She shares with me some books and also asked me to consider two big questions.

Who is God to you?

What is God trying to tell you right now, through the circumstance that you're facing?

These are very big and important questions. I've been thinking about it for quite sometimes.
And...I couldn't find the answer to both.

I guess that's one of the root problems for the terrible condition that I'm in right now. I don't know who is God to me now. The picture is unclear. I don't know what He's trying to tell me through this circumstance. I really don't understand why he allows me to suffer so much.

Many, many years ago, God used to be like a very kind Father to me, someone that I can talk my heart out, I can throw my tantrum with, I can rest assure in His peace. God used to be a very strong reliable shelter for me and the source of my encouragement. I remember, one of those long-ago days, I used to lie flat out on my back and surrender it all to God and trust him completely when I was in trouble. I found so much peace and felt loved and safe and assured. God used to be so kind, He didn't punish me even sometimes that I did wrong. He was patient. He was full of Love.

God was that way to me, a long time ago.

Now? I don't know. It seems that God is a....a King. If he answer your prayer, it's good, you have to be totally grateful for it. If he doesn't help you out from sorrow, then you have to carry that sorrow because He just doesn't want to help and He's a King so you can't complain. I am afraid to talk  to God frankly and honestly the way I used to, or maybe that how the Catholic church teach me. We have to be humble, be humble, be humble. But I'm one of those having a problem being humble and being honest at the same time. I can't accept severe pain and sorrow with joyful heart like all those saints. It hurts and I want to shout out to God that it hurts! Why don't you help me? I have been praying that you would release from this pain for a long time, why it's still here? Will it go on until the last day of my life?

  I still believe that God is all powerful, He can do anything and He knows everything. He knows that I suffer. He hears my prayer. But I just don't understand that why He left me to suffer so much, again and again and again...like never ending. The help did come most of the time, but it usually came after I was badly bruised and lost all the hope.

On bad days, I feel like God is King and I'm a slave. He's kind to me when He wants to, and He can also be harsh to me whenever He wants to. I'm losing the picture that God is my forever friend that I can talk to without fear and I can rest assured that His help will be there. In the past, God used to let me know the reason why He didn't answer my prayer and it was all for the best. There were only a few questions or incidents that I had doubts about His action. But lately, I really don't know why He was so slow to answer my prayers, especially when it 's come to the very dark time.

But no, He hasn't abandoned me. He was there most of the time. Prayers were answered but it happened after I was tormented for like half an hour or many hours or many days. Then I prayed, please don't let it happen again. But then it happens again and again anyway.

Oh how I miss the old days! I really miss the time that I was close to Him and trust Him and He was so kind.

What He's trying to tell me through this circumstance? I don't know....maybe I have too much sin, I spend too little time for prayer? I don't obey Him enough? I don't do enough kindness to others?

Well, most likely, maybe there is a lesson to learn. But how can I learn anything when it hurts too much that I don't even want to learn any other lessons here on Earth, I just want to die.

After the last blog about my dark time, there was one more hit of darkness, one more abusive act of the same person, that push me to the bottom. It made me feel so hurt, angry, so revengeful, I've never felt so much hatred like that for someone in so many years and I was scared of the way I felt. Forgiveness was very hard although he treated me nicely later. In a few days after that, I live on normally and there was no wave of darkness hit me yet. Just not yet. But I know it will come just like it did before, again and again and again...until I put that poison into my body to end it all?

In my circumstance, I saw two choices: stay or leave, both leads to torment and death. I see no other choices for me.

Jesus was kind, though, when I finally get some softness of the heart, I prayed to Jesus on the day that they celebrate "Jesus who Heals the Blind," I made my prayer to Him to help me see more light or other choices that don't lead to so much pain and darkness. I also told him that I don't like sinning and want to do more good things for others, I don't want to be sided with the devil but he tries to make me more and more like him. I'm just too weak for it all. I need Jesus' help. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was lifted up and somehow my prayer was heard. It was as if Jesus heard my prayer and He will help. A small, very small moment of light....but at least I was glad that I could cry at that moment, crying to him from the bottom of my heart.

Right now the ocean is still. No darkness yet. But it was always like this, seem hopeful at first, and once when I really hope that things can really get better. It hit me, hit me hard and send me to the dark pit.

Dear God, if it's not over. If I have to suffer like this always for the rest of my life. I really want to die. I mean it. I don't want to learn any more lessons on Earth. Could you please be kind and take away my life?

A Powerful Prayer to Free Us from the Dark Force

I should have shared this prayer a long time ago, but kept on postponing it. I used to recite this prayer and it helped me many times when I felt that my body and spirit were being oppressed by demonic force. Unfortunately, when I was hardest attacked I totally forgot about it and didn't use it.

Anyway, I heard that this prayer is very old one and have helped so many people freeing themselves and their loved ones.

Just like all recital prayers, I believe it works if we pray with the heart while reciting it. We must mean every word that we say.


Note: After I type the above paragraphs, I frantically looked for the little card containing the prayer and I couldn't find it. Thanks to God that another person has placed it on the internet and I was able to find it. Let me be another voice to share this "Deliverance Prayer for Lay People."

Here is the prayer:
(you can put name(s) of any person you wish to pray for in place of the word "me" )

Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that on the cross you 

took on yourself every curse that ever come upon 

me.

So I humbly beg you now to release me from every

curse over my life. In your name, Lord Jesus Christ,

and through the powerful intercession of the seven 

sorrows of Mother Mary.

I now receive my (his/her) release and I thank you 

for it.

In the name of Lord Jesus Christ, I bind now all 

hexes affecting me. I now cast them at the feet of 

Jesus Christ and Mother Mary.

I now break the ties that bind me  to satan

and renew the covenant that binds me to Jesus and 

Mary, relying in your promise that whoever 

remains faithful to the covenant, you promise to be 

their God and they will be your people. AMEN

There are many versions of the deliverance prayer out there. If you prayer with faith from your heart, I believe they are all powerful. Just be careful of some very strong deliverance prayer that affects a lot of devil power, it make them quite angry and they will try to strike back hard on the next occasion. Someone gave me one of the long powerful prayers to command all devil forces to go back to where they are from and to lose their power in the name of Jesus. I still have to be careful about using it. I guess the devil really hates it. I still have to experiment more how to use it well, or how to handle the strike-back. I think that kind of prayer is for the priests or someone with very strong faith and have much experienced with spiritual warfare. 

But this prayer I placed here is safe and very good. I don't find problems after reciting it at all. 
It can free you from demonic oppression and curses.