Little Things to Be Thankful

When life reaches its down time, I find that it is necessary to keep looking for small things to be thankful for, otherwise it would be too hard to continue living.

My days are still gray...and today it was one of the worst....yet there are little moments that I can still recall with a bit of happiness and gratefulness.

- One evening, I thought that I lost my money (payment I just got from teaching) because I keep looking but I couldn't find it. Then I found that it rest safely in a deeper part of my handbag and that whole day, althought filled with many bad lucks, suddenly doesn't seem all too bad. Yes, it was a bad day, but it wasn't too bad, you see. Something worse could have happened but it didn't.This is surely something to be thankful for.

- I left my teaching bag at a food place and wasn't even aware of it. I walked to the bus stop, sit there a while, and how fortunate that the bus hadn't arrived, because the food seller rushed to me with my bag, saying 'you forgot this, right?' I was so thankful.

- I cried myself to sleep this morning, and when I managed to say a little pray in my heart, I felt a gentle breeze blewing from the window, the curtain flapped a little bit and the ray of sunshine touched my face. That was already tender enough for my achingl heart. I was thankful for it.

- I still got some anti-depressant pills to help out, at least on the physical part of my depression. I took one this evening. And it seemed to help. That was a good thing too.

-My dog was so loving to me today. I was stuck in bed for half a day, and when I got up and went downstairs, she greeted me so joyfully, giving me all her love. Her tail was wagging, her eyes were shining, and she hugged me. At least, on the moment that life feel so down and I feel so alone...this beautiful creature of God still loves me just the same. My dog is my true friend, and a friend is always precious.

- I was able to save most of my new laundry from the rain today. Fortunately I took them down from the hanging lines before I left home, otherwise it would be ruined by rain again.

- One of my friends called to consult me about his problem, the only moment that I felt useful today. And another person, a kind lady from the church, tried to encourage me to keep moving on and fight my own weakness, although her words couldn't reach the dept of my despair this time, I was thankful for her kindness, for trying to help.

- Last but not least, I was able to send a heartfelt pray and my love to everyone on Earth who is suffering from depression, feeling worthless, and don't want to continue living. I felt a tie of understanding connect me to them and I could pray for them from the bottom of my heart.

When there is no sunshine

I look up at the sky today, and I see no sun, no light. Just the dark stormy clounds and then the rain pour down...

I have seen the rain before. I have been in a storm before. I know what is like to live under the dark clouds and feeling the gloomy emptiness inside my chest.

The sun always comes back, sooner or later.

But this one seems to be longer than expected...it just keeps on raining and raining everyday, both the sky and my heart. And I wonder when it will be over....

Then I hear Satan whispers "This one won't get better. They want to force you til you can't breathe and you will have to surrender and do something you don't want to do. You have no choice this time...see I told you, it's all a lie...all that you have believed...all are illusion, including that great love you used to belive in so much..hahaha!"

Nightmare and fear...depressive morning...heaviness of the heart...dryness of the soul ...inability to be on time with anything and everything....all the events that causes pain, guilt, anxiety, keep pouring in non-stop.

Then I hear my angel whispers "you should rejoice for it times like this when your soul have a chance to grow. Just endure and pray and never stop believing that God loves you. One day there will be no tears, one day there will be no pain. Try to open your heart. The sun is still there but the clouds are blocking the way. Just focus on love. Only focus on love.     Not yourself nor the negativity of your mind. Just let go and love...everything and everyone...eventhough your heart is aching...and it will be ok...it will be alright."

I listen to the rain falling on my rooftop tonight.
And then...I try to smile...through my tears.

sorry and repent

Yesterday I was very selfish. I thought that I had my reason for not being there early in the morning to take care of my sick uncle in the hospital when my mother asked me to because the caretaker was already there and another relative will soon be there. I postponed the visit to night time, I put meals, jobs, and other things before doing this kindness. When I arrived there, there was nothing for me to do,  the caretaker told me that his worst time of pain were during mornign and day time and now he is deep asleep because of the drug that the doctor injected. She said today his terrible pain returned and he suffered a lot. I felt so guilty and I felt really sorry for what I have done, taking other trivial things in life to be more important than kindness for others. If I had been there earlier, at least I can be an encouragement, at least I can pray and ask God to lessen the pain.

Last night, I told Jesus that I was really, really sorry and I wouldn't be selfish like that again. There is a deep peace when you totally repent and surrender. Something inside will tell you that a new day will come and and you can try again when new opportunity arises.

And I will try again...to be kind. Please help me, dear God, to know what are the higher priorities of life.

Three messages

I am very, very depressed today. I can't do anything at all, not even pray. But since I still remember the messages from God that I learned in the past few days before the depression got the best of me, so I just want to record them down, I don't know why. I can't do anything else, not even sit and ponder about these messages. But it's a good thing...to write something from God, for someone might one day make use out of it. I don't know how long my life will be anyway.

- This one I got it from a person, If someone hurts you, it means that God allows you to have that suffering. It doesn't have anything to do with that person actually. Just let them be and they will have to deal with their own sin, they will have to report to God themselves about what they have done, so there is no need for you to do anything toward that person. Just accept the suffering and let go. 

-This one I got it from a person and from another source on the same day. I'm quite sure that it is something important for the moment. "Love is the most important thing. Do all things with love and don't be confused if things in the world can be so different. One thing maybe right for one person, another thing maybe right for another person. Just focus on love and you will be alright. Faith, hope, and spiritual gift are important, but none is more important than love."

- This one I got it from the Bible after I prayed wholeheartedly and asked him about the Great Tribulation that many people said it it coming very soon. I asked God about what I should do, how I shoud prepare. He gave me this same message twice on two different days for the same question, so I'm quite certain it is the correct message. "Just follow my commands: Love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. Love your neighbors as yourself. And remember, that Jesus is granted the power from God to be the Lord of all and he can command the universe. Believe in Him."

That's it. I have nothing more to write. I am very, very depressed.

single women are not the same

 Everytime when people know that I am single, they always assume that I must be looking for a boyfriend or to catch a husband. It's such a pain to me that many people have judged me that way. Some people, out of their good heart, expect that my depression coming out from being single and suggest that I should be in love! Oh, I just don't know what to say. No no no! That matter for me is rest within God's hand and I have already asked him that either He will send me one who is truly going to bring a peace of mind and help me serve the Lord and fulfill my destiny on Earth, or He would give me none and I would try to be a bride of Christ instead. I will not go back to my ex-boyfriend. I will not "seek" for anyone new. I even asked the Lord that if He had planned specific someone for me, that person will come to me in such a way that I don't have to seek, or look, or try, or do anything. It would be a gift. I must not seek and I will not seek. No more.

And I also asked the Lord, that if it would be best for my life to stay single, that I will. No matter what they say. Life is just a period of time and if God has decided for me that way, then I trust his decision for it's always the best. Actually, if I know how to feel God's love more deeper, I would be so assured that I need no one else.

I guess people have made that assumption about me seeking a guy because a lot of single women my age are that way. They just try to be nice, to be helpful, I guess.  Well, if they talk to me like this many many years ago, they might make the right assumption. There were my younger years when I sort of look out for that special someone. But not the me right now. I don't think that way anymore. Although the stab of loneliness can still be felt some time when I see people couples, weddings, or family. But that stapbs of pain only happen when my spirit is low. My subconsciousness might be weak at times but at least in my consciousness I do know that I will no more trying to "look for love."

The painful thing that results from people assuming all single women to be the same is that they act toward single women my age as if they are "husband stealers" or "bitches" that they have to avoid or protect their loved ones from. I was in such a situation before, every now and then, and I know how painful it can feel. Although people don't act that way directly, they act so indirectly.

Greetings from me to all independent single women in the world who share the same thoughts with me and have to go through the same kind of judgement from society. I know that you can stand on your own feet although some people may not believe so.
My consolation to you in your agony.

Under this shadow

Alone...lying down here in the pool of mud
Still hope for a stair...a way up...a helping hand
No...not a sight of that yet

Under this shadow
My eyes cannot see well
Under this shadow
My heart can only beat with sorrow

They say...let your heart be still
I say...please show me how
For something that maybe easy for you
can be the most difficult thing for me

Under this shadow
All I can do is trying to survive
Under this shadow
All I can do is just...stay alive

Alone...lying down here in the abyss
Still hoping, still looking out
For love and kindness
Does anybody have left to share?

 Under this shadow
I cannot digest knowledge
I cannot take in spiritual practices
I am hungry for love
I am thirsty for kindness

But all I have to eat now
just a couple of tranquilizers

Do not hurt me no more
Please...
I am fragile at this moment
I can break into pieces
With just one mean word
With just one cold glance

Under this shadow
Still trying to find rest in God
But since I can't find it yet
I beg all of you
to have mercy... 

Deeper Depression

I have nothing much to write here, because my condition has worsen since last night. Both of my depression and anxiety problem was getting much better during the day time yesterday, but then they seem to double late last night and this morning. I think I'm facing a harder trial (viewing it positively) or I have been punished (viewing it negatively).

What makes it worse is that the hope and faith seem to dry up even more. Something seem to be playing with my guilt and the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night symptoms with lots of negative thoughts in my head seem to worsen. Maybe I really need to pop some pills just to help combat it physically at least. Maybe consulting with a doctor can be helpful too.

Another thing that makes it more harder to overcome this time is...it's hard for me to pray. Praying is very important but right now something inside my spirit is such a turmoil and it takes away a lot of concentration, faith, hope, love and it adds in a lot of fear and guilt.

For now, I am doing another experiment to see what might be the spiritual cause of my worsen conditions. The last experiment that I tried to find out what caused the fatique seem to work pretty well. The first suspect was not the cause. The second suspect might be part of the course, because after removing it, my condition got better. I have not yet experimented with the third suspect, because it involves talking to a person. I have to prepare myself well for that because in my low spirit, talking to someone who has recently said things whidch hurt your feeling can make the condition worsen. Still necessary to do though. And overall, I also believe that lack of exercise can be part of the long-term physical cause as well.

For my worsen condition, so far I have two suspects. I have just experimented one of them and will wait to see the result. I have to do this experimenting stuff because I can't trust my reasoning ability that much lately. My mind is not well. It can present so many things as the cause which may lead to unnecessary guilt.

This is "My Resting Place" so I just write down anything to give my mind more rest.

The Balance

 The following writing is just my own opinion. It might be right or it might be wrong, I don't know. I just want to share an opinion, a point of view, that's all.

I have read that life of human being consists of earthly things and spiritual things in half. Human soul is longing to have the colorful adventurous experience of the Earth, which it cannot find up in Heaven, at the same time  it also seeks to rest still in the heart of eternity, its true Home. Therefore, the best way to live on Earth should be the balance of both. One cannot runaway from earthly experience which contain some truths that the soul has to learn right here on the Earth plane. At the same time, the soul should not forget its spiritual nature,as well as the peace and quietness of eternal things and the bliss of Heaven, for it is the soul's true Home.

I have noticed that some people are very fond of the physical world and its variety of wonders ,while some people are fond of the mystery of the spiritual world and life on "the other side." Some seek to spend their lives relating to all living beings, blending themselves peacefully with the world, the people, the animals, the plants, and the environment, finding pleasure in doing things lovingly for others by using their physical body and kindness of their heart, while some other people seek to live in solitude, praying days and nights, digging deeper and deeper into one's own soul to discover the path toward God, and learning more about the supernatural and the mystical world.

I don't think we should judge that one thing must be better than the other. Both are necessary and are important in their own way.  Remember, God gives us two commands: love thy God and love thy neighbors.To me, the word thy neighbors do not mean only human, but every living being on Earth. We should somehow seek to live peacefull and lovingly with everything and everyone, stay in service for all, and find our place among the Earth citizen and find our bond with all lives. At the same time, we must not neglect our spiritual goal and the importance of being still and quiet, looking within, seeking the inner pathway that we can discover the bond that we  have with our Eternal Father. If we forget this, then we forget the whole purpose of life as well.

It reminds me of my godmother and her sister. I adore both of them. My godmother has so much wisdom of the inner life and she can explain to me a lot about spiritual quest: how to persevere in times of trials and sorrow, how to be still and surrender to God's will, how to stay quiet and just let the answer occur inside the mind. I believe that my godmother's spirit is like gold that has been purified by fire. But her sister doesn't like to talk about all these deep stuff, she prefers talking about health, food, and social duties, but her kind and loving heart is already a representative of God's love toward all. She was the person who gives me my first rosary. She just love to give and give, and always know what to give. She is joyful and she likes to view things with a bit of humor. She doesn't teach me spiritual things but she always know how to take me to where  I can get those spiritual knowledge. I just adore her kind heart and I believe that although her calling is different from my godmother, both of them are equally loved by God.

In Darkness there is Light

After several days in a depressed and anxious state of mind, I tried to accept the condition as inevitable and as God's will. I tried to figure ways to survive in such hard times and discovered two wonderful truths:

1) Counting blessings can help a lot. In every dark day, there are always sparkles of light hidden here and there. Small beauty and kindness can mean so much to you and you are more keen to seek for positiveness instead of negativeness. I've been lacking energy in my body for most part of the each day, but still, there is always a period of time each day that I can find energy and freshness, although not very long.

2) Being weak like this makes me rely on God so much. I had to pray to Him even for ordinary little things in life,  like going to a bank or finishing up a simple task. God was so kind to me. I found that if I try to rely on my own strength alone, I will fail over and over again. But whenever I pray and ask God for help, that thing will get done successfully or even amazingly.

Nothing else to say. But thanks be to God.

lack of faith and more suffering

I just deleted my latest post because it was written out of the spirit of fear instead of trust in God.

It is very important to stay trusting and to have faith and hope. But sometimes that can be really hard when you face one of your deepest fears. A fear you don't even know where it comes from for it seems to surface from deep within.

But I will choose to trust Him anyway. I will no longer believe in signs or dreams that came to scare me about this particular subject. I will continue to remind myself that God has my future safe in His hand. 

Last night...terrible condition of anxiety and nightmare returns to me, I had very little sleep.
This morning....I woke up late again.
This afternoon...things got much better and I could feel the energy return to my body. I  was able to pray with faith and trust.
Tonight....I got stuck with television...oh!!! What a shame! Then I fell asleep on the sofa.
Very late tonight....more nightmare and anxiety. Now I'm up in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I will try to gather the little bit of faith ( I don't have a lot now.) And I will believe that even the suffering now is also included in the plan of God and it's just an obstacle to overcome along the way. I will try to separate the negative thoughts that suddenly pop up in my head at night whether it is something that my inner self trying to tell me or it is just something my mind make up because my mind is sick. I will consult the doctor if I have to.

some mistakes I made today

Talking about going around people on a day of low spirit, I made quite a lot of mistakes.
-I forgot to say hello to an elderly person who has been very kind to me.I just simply walked pass by and I didn't know why I did that.
-I didn't follow a suggestion to add more tables, fail to notice that there are not enough space for us all, and I left another person who has been kind to me eating outside the table because I thought he was talking to someone else on the other table. If I had known that he was sitting alone there, I would have just pulled in a chair. I really didn't know at first because somebody was blocking my view, I swear.
- I guess there are more but I don't know for my conscience wasn't clear.

Anyway, next time I will avoid being with people who are not my close friends on my day of low spirit. I would just go home.The person who was supposed to be outside that table today should be me.

I am comfortable around my best friends.
I am comfortable around total strangers (if no one pressure me to be with them)
I am very, very uncomfortable among acquaintances who know me but don't know me well.

Anyway, I apologize for all those mistakes I made today.

More despair...but God still there

My condition of fatique is still here when I get home. Actually it's been with me almost all day today, inside my soul.  At least, although I still can't find the cause, I find out something that is not the cause. Going to confession doesn't help. That means not going to confession is not the cause of the fatique. I have two more suspects to go, and if both are not the cause, then I know it is God's will for me to suffer this because of his own reason, and if that is so, I will accept it gladly. I will just do my best in this condition, and try to take care of my health the best that I can. The rest is up to God.

I should have trusted my instinct today. I didn't regret going to church but I regret staying for lunch. I should have done what I decided to do in the morning, after a painful wake-up. My spirit is low today, and in such condition, I can easily cause troubles to others or I can get hurt by others so easily. (This is an exception with my close friends. The last meeting with both groups of my close friends lifted my spirit up greatly.)

Words of others hurt me today. I believe it came out of their good will for they want to help me improve. I tried to take in their opinion and I came home to search my heart thoroughly if I am what they said I am...someone with layers, someone who is pretentious or fake...someone who wears a mask. I still can't see myself that way. They said that I should be a child. But...I already be who I am. I might not be able to act so spontaneously among them, for they are not my close friends who have known me for like ten years. And they seem to set themselves as teachers, as respectable adults, they don't treat me like friends so I can't be that freely, purely myself the way I'm with my best friends. But I never wear my mask to hurt anyone and something that may seem like a mask to them maybe my effort of trying to keep everyone happy, trying not to offend anyone. It's just an effort of person with social anxiety trying her best to socialize. I hope they forgive me if anything I do offend them or make them feel that I am insincere. And today, in such a low spirit, I could not be very loving and my conscience was unclear.

This is the second event that they hurt me. The first time, some weeks ago, I accepted it because something they said were really true and I should consider it although it hurts. God was with me on that day and I wasn't angry at them because what they said were true, although it hurt so badly. But this time I asked God how I should view it, and God gave me the same message twice, from two different places, but exactly the same message. It can be concluded as "Forgive and love them, for you have to love even those who treat you badly." He didn't say that the fault is on my part this time. They meant well in saying it, I believe, but it's not useful to me for I can't improve myself on that message. I am already myself in this awkward personality. Just as best as I can be right now. I can't see myself changing anything. If I change my personality, to be more childlike or playful, then I would be faking. Because, yes I can be childlike and playful sometimes, but only around those who treat me with a lot of laughter and friendliness.

However, they also said something that is true about me as well. My head is full of too much thoughts and God's voice can't penetrate in. I know it's been my problem for a long long time and I just don't know how to solve it. Thanks be to you, dear God, for many times you would communicate to me through other things instead for you know that I have this problem. This morning, while I was stuck in bed, you even sticked in a message of encouragement into my spiritual ears although my head was whirling with thoughts and heaviness. One short and simple message that meant a whole lot to me.

I lost a lot of tears today. The pain was there because it always hurt when people try to change you for the better and you know that you can't because you are just this way. Next time they see me I will still be that way, I can't change to be anything else. If they still think that I am pretentious or wearing a maks, then I would have to let them think that way.  I am already a child because I am so helpless right now. I can't do it any better now. Today the most peaceful moment that I had in church was the moment when I think of what I learn from the book of St.Theresa of Avila, and keep praying "oh, dear God, Thy will be done. I will accept anything. Even if I would feel nothing after receiving the Holy Spirit, I would accept it too." Actually, I really felt nothing when the priest sent the Holy Spirit. But I came back to my seat and thank God for it, and then I felt so much peace and relief inside and He really did give me the tears, to clean my soul of so much despair. I felt that He he helped me to bend down, humble down, and totally accept God's will, for he knew that I couldn't do it by myself alone. I just told him the other day that I need His help on this. Thanks be to God.

And today, although no one in the lunch conversation didn't give me any clear answer, now I know that my aunt was really there in my dream, it wasn't the devil work. I came home and asked God seriously for a sign, a clear sign. I needed to know because the message might be important, but I don't want to be deceived by any bad spirit either. And God really gave me that sign, so clearly, and it left me with no doubt. My sister told me that she also dreamed of her, and my mother too. It seemed that my aunt has been tried to contact us for she has something to tell us. My sister encouraged me to follow the message I received in my dream. This happened just a few hours after I asked for the sign from God. Thank you so much again, dear God. One clear message and one clear sign from you to this girl whose head is full of too much thoughts and whose face is wet with too much tears greatly remind me that You are my best friend and you will always be forever. Your mercy and your love will always be there.  Thank you so much from my heart.