My condition of fatique is still here when I get home. Actually it's been with me almost all day today, inside my soul. At least, although I still can't find the cause, I find out something that is not the cause. Going to confession doesn't help. That means not going to confession is not the cause of the fatique. I have two more suspects to go, and if both are not the cause, then I know it is God's will for me to suffer this because of his own reason, and if that is so, I will accept it gladly. I will just do my best in this condition, and try to take care of my health the best that I can. The rest is up to God.
I should have trusted my instinct today. I didn't regret going to church but I regret staying for lunch. I should have done what I decided to do in the morning, after a painful wake-up. My spirit is low today, and in such condition, I can easily cause troubles to others or I can get hurt by others so easily. (This is an exception with my close friends. The last meeting with both groups of my close friends lifted my spirit up greatly.)
Words of others hurt me today. I believe it came out of their good will for they want to help me improve. I tried to take in their opinion and I came home to search my heart thoroughly if I am what they said I am...someone with layers, someone who is pretentious or fake...someone who wears a mask. I still can't see myself that way. They said that I should be a child. But...I already be who I am. I might not be able to act so spontaneously among them, for they are not my close friends who have known me for like ten years. And they seem to set themselves as teachers, as respectable adults, they don't treat me like friends so I can't be that freely, purely myself the way I'm with my best friends. But I never wear my mask to hurt anyone and something that may seem like a mask to them maybe my effort of trying to keep everyone happy, trying not to offend anyone. It's just an effort of person with social anxiety trying her best to socialize. I hope they forgive me if anything I do offend them or make them feel that I am insincere. And today, in such a low spirit, I could not be very loving and my conscience was unclear.
This is the second event that they hurt me. The first time, some weeks ago, I accepted it because something they said were really true and I should consider it although it hurts. God was with me on that day and I wasn't angry at them because what they said were true, although it hurt so badly. But this time I asked God how I should view it, and God gave me the same message twice, from two different places, but exactly the same message. It can be concluded as "Forgive and love them, for you have to love even those who treat you badly." He didn't say that the fault is on my part this time. They meant well in saying it, I believe, but it's not useful to me for I can't improve myself on that message. I am already myself in this awkward personality. Just as best as I can be right now. I can't see myself changing anything. If I change my personality, to be more childlike or playful, then I would be faking. Because, yes I can be childlike and playful sometimes, but only around those who treat me with a lot of laughter and friendliness.
However, they also said something that is true about me as well. My head is full of too much thoughts and God's voice can't penetrate in. I know it's been my problem for a long long time and I just don't know how to solve it. Thanks be to you, dear God, for many times you would communicate to me through other things instead for you know that I have this problem. This morning, while I was stuck in bed, you even sticked in a message of encouragement into my spiritual ears although my head was whirling with thoughts and heaviness. One short and simple message that meant a whole lot to me.
I lost a lot of tears today. The pain was there because it always hurt when people try to change you for the better and you know that you can't because you are just this way. Next time they see me I will still be that way, I can't change to be anything else. If they still think that I am pretentious or wearing a maks, then I would have to let them think that way. I am already a child because I am so helpless right now. I can't do it any better now. Today the most peaceful moment that I had in church was the moment when I think of what I learn from the book of St.Theresa of Avila, and keep praying "oh, dear God, Thy will be done. I will accept anything. Even if I would feel nothing after receiving the Holy Spirit, I would accept it too." Actually, I really felt nothing when the priest sent the Holy Spirit. But I came back to my seat and thank God for it, and then I felt so much peace and relief inside and He really did give me the tears, to clean my soul of so much despair. I felt that He he helped me to bend down, humble down, and totally accept God's will, for he knew that I couldn't do it by myself alone. I just told him the other day that I need His help on this. Thanks be to God.
And today, although no one in the lunch conversation didn't give me any clear answer, now I know that my aunt was really there in my dream, it wasn't the devil work. I came home and asked God seriously for a sign, a clear sign. I needed to know because the message might be important, but I don't want to be deceived by any bad spirit either. And God really gave me that sign, so clearly, and it left me with no doubt. My sister told me that she also dreamed of her, and my mother too. It seemed that my aunt has been tried to contact us for she has something to tell us. My sister encouraged me to follow the message I received in my dream. This happened just a few hours after I asked for the sign from God. Thank you so much again, dear God. One clear message and one clear sign from you to this girl whose head is full of too much thoughts and whose face is wet with too much tears greatly remind me that You are my best friend and you will always be forever. Your mercy and your love will always be there. Thank you so much from my heart.
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