Sometimes I wonder what is the main cause of it, this mysterious fatique. Suddenly it just occurs and I feel no energy. I have not been working too hard, and I have had enough sleep lately. This fatique often comes with the inability to get up from bed and the lack of desire to work and do what I need to get done. Depression? But how can it be when I have no reason to be depressed? I also notice that in the past few days it comes after prayer, like praying the rosary. Isn't it weired? Praying should be something to refresh you, not sapping your energy. Lately, I also notice that sounds and noises in the surrounding disturb me very easily. At this moment as I am writing, the chewing sound of a person eating dinner is disturbing me very much. Fortunately, I am aware when it happens and try not to get moody.
Anyway, all that I can do is just surrender to the experience and accept it with a smile. When I can find the energy to get up, I get up. When I can't, I ask God to help me. But if my body feels very weak and my eyes feel heavy, I just have to let them do what they want. I just lie there and sleep.
Life consists of good and bad days anyway. If I must go through this again, then I will. Hope that one day I will find the answer, find out what causes this mysterious fatique.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
simple minds and unselfish hearts
Sometimes people in your life are there to inspire you or help you realize something about yourself. Let me tell you a few stories of a few people that I know.
P'Kay has been my favorite cousin since I was a little child and she still is. Although she has moved to another province and we have not seen each other for like ten years or more, I still felt the same about her the last time that we met. I just simply like her. At first I don't really understand why, but then I try to look deeper within and found that her simplicity and kindness is what I always adore in my cousin. Maybe these two things are what I lack and want to have more, or maybe they balance out my character. P'Kay has always been so simple, funny, and kind. In my childhood, I remember her playing with me and the other young children at my grandmother's house, making us laugh with small and simple jokes. I still remember that whenever she comes to join us, there is always joy. Yes, I remember the other older cousins too, they were fun to play with, but no one was like her. She doesn't mind making herself look foolish so that other people can laugh. She never boast and never say anything arrogant about herself at all. Her aim is life is never too ambitious either. Her kindness is expressed so straightforwardly. Her worries and fear are expressed in an honest and simple way as well. She often says a lot of kind words, caring words, to others. I think one of the reasons I like to be with her is that I feel so comfortable and at ease. She is just simply herself and she loves us. In my opinion, this is one of the ladies who is a great material for "motherhood." Her son is quite a proof of that. A cheerful, brave, responsible young boy who loves his mother so much.
And me...yeah...quite the opposite. I like to look at things too complicately. I don't express myself spontaenously. I am too much into intellectual stuff that I often forget to notice the needs of those around me. Sometimes I can't help but think that if one day I will have a man as a partner of my life, that person must have a lot of her qualities: simple, kind, funny, and constant. I need all of that to balance my complex stressful side. I can't tell jokes but I love listen to them. My emotion is so unstable that I really need someone to be an achor of my mind, helping it to rest still.
Isn't it funny? My best friend has a lot of her qualities too. And we are friends for years and years, going through thick and thin together, for we are quite a good balance for each other.
Another person I want to talk about is my friend, Add. We know each other from the university but don't have a lot of opportunities to spend much time together. Mostly we meet up in group, with the rest of our friends. However, once in a while we will have some long talk on the phone and the last time I was lucky enough to meet her in person for a meal. Her life is an inspiration to me. She has endured so much hardship, and most of the time is because she cared about other people so much that she didn't want to refuse their request. She has taken care of more than 3 sick and stuck-in-bed people in her family, a job that no one else want to do so they give it all to her. She has to work on the thesis while changing their diapers, washing their bed sheet, or feeding them. She has raised two children, her nephew and niece, as if she was their mother. She carried them in her arms so often that her arm's muscle ache and cause a pain in her teeth. She did all that, fighting the resentment and anger inside her mind, for she knows that she has been taken advantage of. She just tried to do her best with the present until all the trials are over. Now life has granted her the rest and freedom that she really deserves. She won a scholarship to study abroad for 6 months, a whole time for herself to find and follow her dream.
Add makes me look at myself as a rather selfish person. I don't have to take care of any sick people or little children. When I have a project or when I study, I don't allow anyone to disturb me. I usually ignore all the houseworks when I'm very busy. It is not innated in my character to place my parent's needs above my own. What a shame, actually.
Add is also one woman who is truly happy to stay single and she has quite good reasons for it. I believe that she is one who won't suffer the pain of loneliness even if she stay single all her life. She knows how to love those around her, and how to be peaceful with herself.
"When you get very old and can't do a lot of things you love to do, won't you feel lonely without a family of your own?"
"At that time, I would just sit and enjoy the memory of the things I have done earlier in my life then. I can be happy with that. It's enough for me."
"What about children, you don't want to have any children of your own?"
"Why do we have to produce children of our own when there are so many orphaned children in the world that we can give love to? " (I absolutely agree with that idea.)
Our last conversation from the meal that night was that we agree to one thought: just do our best in the present moment, and on our last breath, there is nothing to fear.
Thank you, Add, for having a meal that night. You are an incredible person. Now, I want to be less selfish and do more things for others. And I won't worry so much anymore whether I will have to live my life without a partner. Life can be lived alone, and happiness can still be found in it.
P'Kay has been my favorite cousin since I was a little child and she still is. Although she has moved to another province and we have not seen each other for like ten years or more, I still felt the same about her the last time that we met. I just simply like her. At first I don't really understand why, but then I try to look deeper within and found that her simplicity and kindness is what I always adore in my cousin. Maybe these two things are what I lack and want to have more, or maybe they balance out my character. P'Kay has always been so simple, funny, and kind. In my childhood, I remember her playing with me and the other young children at my grandmother's house, making us laugh with small and simple jokes. I still remember that whenever she comes to join us, there is always joy. Yes, I remember the other older cousins too, they were fun to play with, but no one was like her. She doesn't mind making herself look foolish so that other people can laugh. She never boast and never say anything arrogant about herself at all. Her aim is life is never too ambitious either. Her kindness is expressed so straightforwardly. Her worries and fear are expressed in an honest and simple way as well. She often says a lot of kind words, caring words, to others. I think one of the reasons I like to be with her is that I feel so comfortable and at ease. She is just simply herself and she loves us. In my opinion, this is one of the ladies who is a great material for "motherhood." Her son is quite a proof of that. A cheerful, brave, responsible young boy who loves his mother so much.
And me...yeah...quite the opposite. I like to look at things too complicately. I don't express myself spontaenously. I am too much into intellectual stuff that I often forget to notice the needs of those around me. Sometimes I can't help but think that if one day I will have a man as a partner of my life, that person must have a lot of her qualities: simple, kind, funny, and constant. I need all of that to balance my complex stressful side. I can't tell jokes but I love listen to them. My emotion is so unstable that I really need someone to be an achor of my mind, helping it to rest still.
Isn't it funny? My best friend has a lot of her qualities too. And we are friends for years and years, going through thick and thin together, for we are quite a good balance for each other.
Another person I want to talk about is my friend, Add. We know each other from the university but don't have a lot of opportunities to spend much time together. Mostly we meet up in group, with the rest of our friends. However, once in a while we will have some long talk on the phone and the last time I was lucky enough to meet her in person for a meal. Her life is an inspiration to me. She has endured so much hardship, and most of the time is because she cared about other people so much that she didn't want to refuse their request. She has taken care of more than 3 sick and stuck-in-bed people in her family, a job that no one else want to do so they give it all to her. She has to work on the thesis while changing their diapers, washing their bed sheet, or feeding them. She has raised two children, her nephew and niece, as if she was their mother. She carried them in her arms so often that her arm's muscle ache and cause a pain in her teeth. She did all that, fighting the resentment and anger inside her mind, for she knows that she has been taken advantage of. She just tried to do her best with the present until all the trials are over. Now life has granted her the rest and freedom that she really deserves. She won a scholarship to study abroad for 6 months, a whole time for herself to find and follow her dream.
Add makes me look at myself as a rather selfish person. I don't have to take care of any sick people or little children. When I have a project or when I study, I don't allow anyone to disturb me. I usually ignore all the houseworks when I'm very busy. It is not innated in my character to place my parent's needs above my own. What a shame, actually.
Add is also one woman who is truly happy to stay single and she has quite good reasons for it. I believe that she is one who won't suffer the pain of loneliness even if she stay single all her life. She knows how to love those around her, and how to be peaceful with herself.
"When you get very old and can't do a lot of things you love to do, won't you feel lonely without a family of your own?"
"At that time, I would just sit and enjoy the memory of the things I have done earlier in my life then. I can be happy with that. It's enough for me."
"What about children, you don't want to have any children of your own?"
"Why do we have to produce children of our own when there are so many orphaned children in the world that we can give love to? " (I absolutely agree with that idea.)
Our last conversation from the meal that night was that we agree to one thought: just do our best in the present moment, and on our last breath, there is nothing to fear.
Thank you, Add, for having a meal that night. You are an incredible person. Now, I want to be less selfish and do more things for others. And I won't worry so much anymore whether I will have to live my life without a partner. Life can be lived alone, and happiness can still be found in it.
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Which way, Which path?
I don't know when I first said this prayer, but I've been asking God
to grant me three most important things of my life. Let me not talk
about number 2 and 3 for now. Although they are very important to me,
but they still have to be below my number one wish.
My number one wish, the most important goal of my life, the thing that I want to have above all things, is....to find my place on Earth, to find my destiny and complete the task that is there for me to do right here in this life, to be able to know God more and more and get closer and closer to Him, to be able to reflect the light to the world, the light that is not my own but comes from God.
I remember myself praying....my life is in Your hand, dear God. Please guide me anywhere to do anything you want me to do. Make me become the person you have planned. You know me well more than I know myself.
But...I also remember myself saying "Well, but I don't want to be your disciple, I don't think I can be a disciple. It's too hard and heavy for me. I believe it's for those who are born just for it. Just put me with a task on Earth. I just want to be an ordinary citizen of the world."
Disciple, in my understanding, mean the people who received direct teaching from Him and devote their whole life on Earth just to spread his teachings, like the 12 disciples of Jesus. They have to go through a lot of tough things, I mean very, very tough. I know that some people on Earth right now are still his disciples.
My two prayers seem to be in conflict with each other:
Dear God, I'm yours, make me whatever you want me to be ....and then....
No, no, not being a disciple...it must be too hard for me.
Maybe God would laugh a little and say...dear child, in your first prayer, you already ask to become my disciple. Isn't it a little funny the way you pray that and said that you don't want to be my disciple? I'm already starting to make you become what I want you to be.
But life is free choices and free will. So God let me choose as well. And lately, there seem to be a question, whether I want to stay a bit worldly, serving Him but not stepping out of the line, not being very different from others and still enjoy a bit of worldly pleasure here and there as opportunities give (which is not wrong, of course) OR whether I would really separate myself from this world and focus on the next world, totally devote myself to my spiritual life and only cares for what matters to Heaven.
But...I also remember a night when my passed away Grandma came to me in my dream, caressing the palm of my hand, and said "My dear, you can't go to the extreme in this life. Your path is the middle way." So I really don't know which path is meant for me.
So far, I only feel 3 things that seem to lead me to my calling. These 3 things seem to fall right into my heart and put me at peace once the thought has dawned on me. If I do anything in this life that lead me toward these, it would feel right in my heart.
1) To love. Focus my life on love. To make others feel that they are ok the way God made them and that they are loved so unconditionally.To let them know that although they fall, again and again they can still get up and go on.There are so many people who just need to be loved, not taught, nor led. I just couldn't help feeling that if I can live my life in the way that I can make other people, maybe the children, feel this way about themselves, I would feel that a purpose in life is completed. Nick, the man without arms and legs, inspired me to discover this longing in my heart. His soul shines so brilliantly that you can see his beauty even inside a very handicapped body.
2) To see God beyond the boundary of faiths and religions. Although I know that I would never ever leave my path as a Christian, because this is where I belong, and Jesus has done so much for me and I am nothing without him. But God sent me signs and messages more than once that I should not let anything confuse me that God can only be found in one faith, for He is far greater than that and no one can lock him up. No one has the right to say that God loves one group of people more than another. I have asked Him question about other religions since I was younger and I remember his answer in my dream very well. I remember that picture of Jesus as a shepherd, and then that picture is suddenly torn in the middle by something invisible and there is a voice saying "Do not think of Me as a human only" and then I saw something like vapour floating up into the sky. And I understood right away that it was an answer to my question. God is also spirit and he can be anywhere, anything. He even gave me a Bible verse to go with this, a verse that says one day people will no longer worship Him in any church, but will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And now as I'm an adult, God still sends me this message in several other ways, and every time the message reaches me, I feel so much at peace. It feels so right in my heart. And I found this calling also on the morning of my 33rd birthday, as I left the Buddhist temple to go join the mass in a Catholic church. I felt wonderful that I can learn to find God in different places, in different way.
3) To learn to access the spiritual world and be able to receive direction from God more directly and to feel His love more deeply. It would be wonderful if I can view this world from both my human eyes and spiritual eyes. I know that we are living in a box called human body and that really blocks you from seeing the truth of things in this world and in the universe. Our five senses is very limited. However, I am not sure yet if this is my calling. It seems that those who can do this must have the gift of "meditation" and I don't. I used to meditate well when I was a child, I came back to do it as an adult and I could do it a bit but then lately God just took it away from me, I can't do it at all. However, someone told me that there is another different way to learn to do it, but I must wait. So I just wait. But I'm really not sure if I will be blessed in such a way. The only thing that give me a tiny bit of hope was the memory of the spiritual gift that I used to have when I was a teenager.
It was OBE (out-of-body experience). It happened to me spontaneously since I was 13 years old, I didn't meditate or try to make it happen. Since then I no longer doubt whether spiritual world existed. I realized that we are originally spirits and the body is just the temporary form of existance. (I also learned that it is so much better to be without phyical body, it feels so light and so free) But since my OBE journeys were mostly random and without a specific purpose, I was afraid that if it happened to me on the day that I was depressed or spiritually low, I might end up slipping off to some scary parts of the universe during OBE. That was why one day I prayed to God to take it away, and only let it happenned to me with a good purpose. After that prayer, the experience rarely happened to me. Only once in a while when God wanted me to pray for some spirits, to visit someone, or just to encourage me and soothe my troubled soul. I almost have none of the experience these days. But someone told me that the OBE happened to me because my soul has been gifted in the past and maybe when I grow older in this life, I might relate to the mission that I have to do on Earth. Well, that was someone saying, you know. Not God. I don't know if God wants me to have anything to do with the spirit worlds while I'm still living. And if I was hoping for it too much, wanting it too much, desiring it too much, then it will never happen. I can't put anything above God's will. If his answer is a "No" then I will accept it and live this world inside my box of five dull senses and just being loving to others till my last breath. Death is coming to free me one day anyway. I don't have to live in physical body forever anyway.
I am still waiting for more relevation about my mission on Earth, about the path that is best for me to walk. One thing I know, when I find something right, my heart has so much peace, it is the peace that beyond anything on Earth, and when that happens, I don't doubt or sway by indecisiveness, the way I often do a lot in my life. When God speaks to someone's heart, it is so powerful, more powerful than anything.
And I am waiting. Yes, I am waiting.
My number one wish, the most important goal of my life, the thing that I want to have above all things, is....to find my place on Earth, to find my destiny and complete the task that is there for me to do right here in this life, to be able to know God more and more and get closer and closer to Him, to be able to reflect the light to the world, the light that is not my own but comes from God.
I remember myself praying....my life is in Your hand, dear God. Please guide me anywhere to do anything you want me to do. Make me become the person you have planned. You know me well more than I know myself.
But...I also remember myself saying "Well, but I don't want to be your disciple, I don't think I can be a disciple. It's too hard and heavy for me. I believe it's for those who are born just for it. Just put me with a task on Earth. I just want to be an ordinary citizen of the world."
Disciple, in my understanding, mean the people who received direct teaching from Him and devote their whole life on Earth just to spread his teachings, like the 12 disciples of Jesus. They have to go through a lot of tough things, I mean very, very tough. I know that some people on Earth right now are still his disciples.
My two prayers seem to be in conflict with each other:
Dear God, I'm yours, make me whatever you want me to be ....and then....
No, no, not being a disciple...it must be too hard for me.
Maybe God would laugh a little and say...dear child, in your first prayer, you already ask to become my disciple. Isn't it a little funny the way you pray that and said that you don't want to be my disciple? I'm already starting to make you become what I want you to be.
But life is free choices and free will. So God let me choose as well. And lately, there seem to be a question, whether I want to stay a bit worldly, serving Him but not stepping out of the line, not being very different from others and still enjoy a bit of worldly pleasure here and there as opportunities give (which is not wrong, of course) OR whether I would really separate myself from this world and focus on the next world, totally devote myself to my spiritual life and only cares for what matters to Heaven.
But...I also remember a night when my passed away Grandma came to me in my dream, caressing the palm of my hand, and said "My dear, you can't go to the extreme in this life. Your path is the middle way." So I really don't know which path is meant for me.
So far, I only feel 3 things that seem to lead me to my calling. These 3 things seem to fall right into my heart and put me at peace once the thought has dawned on me. If I do anything in this life that lead me toward these, it would feel right in my heart.
1) To love. Focus my life on love. To make others feel that they are ok the way God made them and that they are loved so unconditionally.To let them know that although they fall, again and again they can still get up and go on.There are so many people who just need to be loved, not taught, nor led. I just couldn't help feeling that if I can live my life in the way that I can make other people, maybe the children, feel this way about themselves, I would feel that a purpose in life is completed. Nick, the man without arms and legs, inspired me to discover this longing in my heart. His soul shines so brilliantly that you can see his beauty even inside a very handicapped body.
2) To see God beyond the boundary of faiths and religions. Although I know that I would never ever leave my path as a Christian, because this is where I belong, and Jesus has done so much for me and I am nothing without him. But God sent me signs and messages more than once that I should not let anything confuse me that God can only be found in one faith, for He is far greater than that and no one can lock him up. No one has the right to say that God loves one group of people more than another. I have asked Him question about other religions since I was younger and I remember his answer in my dream very well. I remember that picture of Jesus as a shepherd, and then that picture is suddenly torn in the middle by something invisible and there is a voice saying "Do not think of Me as a human only" and then I saw something like vapour floating up into the sky. And I understood right away that it was an answer to my question. God is also spirit and he can be anywhere, anything. He even gave me a Bible verse to go with this, a verse that says one day people will no longer worship Him in any church, but will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And now as I'm an adult, God still sends me this message in several other ways, and every time the message reaches me, I feel so much at peace. It feels so right in my heart. And I found this calling also on the morning of my 33rd birthday, as I left the Buddhist temple to go join the mass in a Catholic church. I felt wonderful that I can learn to find God in different places, in different way.
3) To learn to access the spiritual world and be able to receive direction from God more directly and to feel His love more deeply. It would be wonderful if I can view this world from both my human eyes and spiritual eyes. I know that we are living in a box called human body and that really blocks you from seeing the truth of things in this world and in the universe. Our five senses is very limited. However, I am not sure yet if this is my calling. It seems that those who can do this must have the gift of "meditation" and I don't. I used to meditate well when I was a child, I came back to do it as an adult and I could do it a bit but then lately God just took it away from me, I can't do it at all. However, someone told me that there is another different way to learn to do it, but I must wait. So I just wait. But I'm really not sure if I will be blessed in such a way. The only thing that give me a tiny bit of hope was the memory of the spiritual gift that I used to have when I was a teenager.
It was OBE (out-of-body experience). It happened to me spontaneously since I was 13 years old, I didn't meditate or try to make it happen. Since then I no longer doubt whether spiritual world existed. I realized that we are originally spirits and the body is just the temporary form of existance. (I also learned that it is so much better to be without phyical body, it feels so light and so free) But since my OBE journeys were mostly random and without a specific purpose, I was afraid that if it happened to me on the day that I was depressed or spiritually low, I might end up slipping off to some scary parts of the universe during OBE. That was why one day I prayed to God to take it away, and only let it happenned to me with a good purpose. After that prayer, the experience rarely happened to me. Only once in a while when God wanted me to pray for some spirits, to visit someone, or just to encourage me and soothe my troubled soul. I almost have none of the experience these days. But someone told me that the OBE happened to me because my soul has been gifted in the past and maybe when I grow older in this life, I might relate to the mission that I have to do on Earth. Well, that was someone saying, you know. Not God. I don't know if God wants me to have anything to do with the spirit worlds while I'm still living. And if I was hoping for it too much, wanting it too much, desiring it too much, then it will never happen. I can't put anything above God's will. If his answer is a "No" then I will accept it and live this world inside my box of five dull senses and just being loving to others till my last breath. Death is coming to free me one day anyway. I don't have to live in physical body forever anyway.
I am still waiting for more relevation about my mission on Earth, about the path that is best for me to walk. One thing I know, when I find something right, my heart has so much peace, it is the peace that beyond anything on Earth, and when that happens, I don't doubt or sway by indecisiveness, the way I often do a lot in my life. When God speaks to someone's heart, it is so powerful, more powerful than anything.
And I am waiting. Yes, I am waiting.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
The Future of Our World?
I heard so often that the world is going to face a tremendous change, there will be the most terrible disasters the Earth has ever known, most people will die, and it will be like a whole new beginning, a new era of humanity where souls and spirits matter more than physical objects and materials.
Well, it becomes quite something to think about. You see, you can choose to live your life one way if the road ahead is going to be just as ordinary. If life will continue the way it has been for ages, you can have a family and get settled or choose to do the little things that you love for a living. But...what if what waits ahead of you in a few years is not ordinary. What if the cities around you are going to disappear, together with the whole of current human economic systems and lifestyle?
The problem is...no one knows when it will happen. In your lifetime? Or in future generation? I bet during Hitler times, many believed that he is the Beast and the world was coming to an end. But it turned out that, yes, he was very evil but the world still didn't end. So the problem is that "Big Change" is coming up very soon or still quite a long way ahead? People talk about it in different ways. Prophecies are different too.
If you believe in Jesus and the Bible, then you know a few things:
First, no one knows the time for sure, not even the angels in Heaven, so don't let anyone fool you with false prophecies.
Second, don't be careless with your life because that particular day can come when people are still living their daily life so normally.
Third, you can look at the signs of times. See, now there are so many earthquakes and other natural disasters more severely than any other ages, and the morality of human as a whole seem to be going downhill.
If you are a Buddhist, then you might heard that such a Terrible Day can be postponed if human improve themselves well enough. If the whole spirit of humanity is going up and there is no need for a strong shaking to open up people's eyes to be aware of what life actually is.
Well, I don't know what to believe. But one thing I know, I shouldn't be careless. Another thing I know that...doing your best in everyday of your life is very important.
But...I really don't know when it comes to the path to walk. Should I still continue to live a normal worldly human life or just retreat from it and focus more on the spiritual development? I guess I will have to do both for now.
Do I believe that such a Big Change will happen to humanity one day? Welll....Yes...I do.
I think that the Earth has gone through many shocking events in its history, things that people thought could never happen had already happened many times. And yes, some prophecies in our times maybe false and fooling, but I believe that some people are real prophets, not false ones. God must send his messengers in every age, and even in this age, I believe God's messengers are still walking among us. And they seem to be giving warnings about the coming of the Big Change.
I am just an ordinary human being, not a prophet or anyone with any power at all, and I know that dreams can be very nonesense or even misleading, if you trust them too much. But let me tell you about this one dream that I had a long, long time ago. I had this dream even before I heard about any prophecies or anything about the End of the World or stuff like that.
There are chaos out there. I know that they are out there. I am safe inside a building but I know I cannot go out until it's over. There are many people inside that big building but there are also deceptions. You have to close your eyes and ignore the things that are sent to you or passed to you, just stay blind to it or you will be decieved. After a while, I heard they say, "Maybe it's over now, let's go out and see". So we walk out and the there is no more chaos. It's all quiet and empty now. All the houses are deserted. Some were killed and many died from the disease. Nothing is left to the start the kind of life we have lived before. We talk about growing plants and collecting food in natural way, we talk about going back to the kind of basic lifestyle human has forsaken a long time ago. But still, some people want to go back and live in those deserted houses, and I knew that doom will come to them too because they try to go back to the old way, they resist the change.
Afterward, I receive some more, even more vivid dreams. But I won't talk about them. I know that dreams can deceive you and I don't want to say that they can mean anything until I am very, very sure. Even the dream that I wrote above can mean nothing. But I mention it here because it's strange...the way I had it so long ago before I heard anything that relate to the Big Change or End Times. So it couldn't happen because my mind creating fantasy out of the stories that I head.
Being prepared is better than being careless, right?
But one should not be too afraid, I've learned that lately.
Face everything with love and hope and peace in Christ seem to be the best option for now.
Well, it becomes quite something to think about. You see, you can choose to live your life one way if the road ahead is going to be just as ordinary. If life will continue the way it has been for ages, you can have a family and get settled or choose to do the little things that you love for a living. But...what if what waits ahead of you in a few years is not ordinary. What if the cities around you are going to disappear, together with the whole of current human economic systems and lifestyle?
The problem is...no one knows when it will happen. In your lifetime? Or in future generation? I bet during Hitler times, many believed that he is the Beast and the world was coming to an end. But it turned out that, yes, he was very evil but the world still didn't end. So the problem is that "Big Change" is coming up very soon or still quite a long way ahead? People talk about it in different ways. Prophecies are different too.
If you believe in Jesus and the Bible, then you know a few things:
First, no one knows the time for sure, not even the angels in Heaven, so don't let anyone fool you with false prophecies.
Second, don't be careless with your life because that particular day can come when people are still living their daily life so normally.
Third, you can look at the signs of times. See, now there are so many earthquakes and other natural disasters more severely than any other ages, and the morality of human as a whole seem to be going downhill.
If you are a Buddhist, then you might heard that such a Terrible Day can be postponed if human improve themselves well enough. If the whole spirit of humanity is going up and there is no need for a strong shaking to open up people's eyes to be aware of what life actually is.
Well, I don't know what to believe. But one thing I know, I shouldn't be careless. Another thing I know that...doing your best in everyday of your life is very important.
But...I really don't know when it comes to the path to walk. Should I still continue to live a normal worldly human life or just retreat from it and focus more on the spiritual development? I guess I will have to do both for now.
Do I believe that such a Big Change will happen to humanity one day? Welll....Yes...I do.
I think that the Earth has gone through many shocking events in its history, things that people thought could never happen had already happened many times. And yes, some prophecies in our times maybe false and fooling, but I believe that some people are real prophets, not false ones. God must send his messengers in every age, and even in this age, I believe God's messengers are still walking among us. And they seem to be giving warnings about the coming of the Big Change.
I am just an ordinary human being, not a prophet or anyone with any power at all, and I know that dreams can be very nonesense or even misleading, if you trust them too much. But let me tell you about this one dream that I had a long, long time ago. I had this dream even before I heard about any prophecies or anything about the End of the World or stuff like that.
There are chaos out there. I know that they are out there. I am safe inside a building but I know I cannot go out until it's over. There are many people inside that big building but there are also deceptions. You have to close your eyes and ignore the things that are sent to you or passed to you, just stay blind to it or you will be decieved. After a while, I heard they say, "Maybe it's over now, let's go out and see". So we walk out and the there is no more chaos. It's all quiet and empty now. All the houses are deserted. Some were killed and many died from the disease. Nothing is left to the start the kind of life we have lived before. We talk about growing plants and collecting food in natural way, we talk about going back to the kind of basic lifestyle human has forsaken a long time ago. But still, some people want to go back and live in those deserted houses, and I knew that doom will come to them too because they try to go back to the old way, they resist the change.
Afterward, I receive some more, even more vivid dreams. But I won't talk about them. I know that dreams can deceive you and I don't want to say that they can mean anything until I am very, very sure. Even the dream that I wrote above can mean nothing. But I mention it here because it's strange...the way I had it so long ago before I heard anything that relate to the Big Change or End Times. So it couldn't happen because my mind creating fantasy out of the stories that I head.
Being prepared is better than being careless, right?
But one should not be too afraid, I've learned that lately.
Face everything with love and hope and peace in Christ seem to be the best option for now.
Monday, 20 August 2012
Subconsciousness and Temptation
I am going to write about something that I don't really know, but it has been bothering me a lot.
They say that our mind is divided into the consciousness and subconsciousness. We are aware of our consciousness and we make logical decisions based on it. However, the vast area of our mind, the large submerged bottom of the iceberg, is something that is beyond our control. Now that is the problem. There can be so many many things hidden down there and we are not aware of at all, and those things can go up sometimes to disturb the peace of mind. The worst thing is...I don't know what to do about it. I can't stop it from happening. The subconsciousness does thing on its own and it can't be stopped, only suppressed, but if you suppress anything, then it will resurface again.
They say that meditation helps, but the more I meditate, the more those junks in the bottom keep surfacing to bother me.They say that a healing is needed but...how? I don't know how to heal that wound deep down inside. I don't even know what it is and I am afraid.
So many times, I close my eyes, fall into the state of half-awake, half-asleep, and here we go again, flashes of pictures, noises, voices, confusion, frenzy rushes of thoughts ,and all the other mess appearing before my closing eyes. I felt so heavy, so anxious, so confused. I can't sleep and I can't get up. I just sink...and sink. It is a kind of suffering indeed.
Sometimes my consciousness already know what to do, but my subconsciousness just won't obey it. For example, I know how I should behave around someone, how I should view my relationship with the person, I know what the boundary is and I have no intention to cross or to make someone feel offended. But...even if for a moment I am not anchored in the present moment and my thought wandered, my subconsciousness would trick me to do something wrong again, and I'm not even aware of it while I was doing it. This happens so often and it torments me. It is like I am living with two persons inside myself, the one that I know and the one that I don't know.
Subconsciousness, the world beyond the deep blue ocean of the soul, the mystery that makes me feel so fearful. Sometimes it brought tears to my eyes and pain to my chest out of no reason. Sometimes it makes my heartbeat fast just hearing someone speaks a simple word, and I can't control it and I don't know why. I am so jealous of those who has the deep knowledge into this mysterious realm of the mind. To me, it's such an unknown terrirory. I am only aware that it exists but have no clue of what it looks like.
There is a verse from the Bible that I recently received from God, to help me deal with this, although it doesn't clarify to me anything about the subconsciousness, but it is an encouragement. The verse says:
"God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."
There will still be a battle between the two worlds: the consciousness and the subconsciousness, but I will believe in this words from God, I will believe that it is not impossible for me to overcome.
Another thing that I can do is to follow the profound advice from the little booklet written by Thich Nach Hanh;
Keep planting the seeds of love and kindness into your subconsciousness so that, in its own time, its plant will spring forth instead of the plants of darkness.
If there is any other advice beside the ones mentioned above, I wish that someone would tell me.
They say that our mind is divided into the consciousness and subconsciousness. We are aware of our consciousness and we make logical decisions based on it. However, the vast area of our mind, the large submerged bottom of the iceberg, is something that is beyond our control. Now that is the problem. There can be so many many things hidden down there and we are not aware of at all, and those things can go up sometimes to disturb the peace of mind. The worst thing is...I don't know what to do about it. I can't stop it from happening. The subconsciousness does thing on its own and it can't be stopped, only suppressed, but if you suppress anything, then it will resurface again.
They say that meditation helps, but the more I meditate, the more those junks in the bottom keep surfacing to bother me.They say that a healing is needed but...how? I don't know how to heal that wound deep down inside. I don't even know what it is and I am afraid.
So many times, I close my eyes, fall into the state of half-awake, half-asleep, and here we go again, flashes of pictures, noises, voices, confusion, frenzy rushes of thoughts ,and all the other mess appearing before my closing eyes. I felt so heavy, so anxious, so confused. I can't sleep and I can't get up. I just sink...and sink. It is a kind of suffering indeed.
Sometimes my consciousness already know what to do, but my subconsciousness just won't obey it. For example, I know how I should behave around someone, how I should view my relationship with the person, I know what the boundary is and I have no intention to cross or to make someone feel offended. But...even if for a moment I am not anchored in the present moment and my thought wandered, my subconsciousness would trick me to do something wrong again, and I'm not even aware of it while I was doing it. This happens so often and it torments me. It is like I am living with two persons inside myself, the one that I know and the one that I don't know.
Subconsciousness, the world beyond the deep blue ocean of the soul, the mystery that makes me feel so fearful. Sometimes it brought tears to my eyes and pain to my chest out of no reason. Sometimes it makes my heartbeat fast just hearing someone speaks a simple word, and I can't control it and I don't know why. I am so jealous of those who has the deep knowledge into this mysterious realm of the mind. To me, it's such an unknown terrirory. I am only aware that it exists but have no clue of what it looks like.
There is a verse from the Bible that I recently received from God, to help me deal with this, although it doesn't clarify to me anything about the subconsciousness, but it is an encouragement. The verse says:
"God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."
There will still be a battle between the two worlds: the consciousness and the subconsciousness, but I will believe in this words from God, I will believe that it is not impossible for me to overcome.
Another thing that I can do is to follow the profound advice from the little booklet written by Thich Nach Hanh;
Keep planting the seeds of love and kindness into your subconsciousness so that, in its own time, its plant will spring forth instead of the plants of darkness.
If there is any other advice beside the ones mentioned above, I wish that someone would tell me.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
What I learned from the monk
(1)
Never forget Jesus. I told them that I was there as a Christian learning some Buddhist teachings, not as a Buddhist. I cannot be ashamed of my sweet savior who had saved my soul with his blood. I owe him my soul and will always be a good Christian in whatever I do and keep all his commands of love. BUT....at the same....God also told me to seek Him in everything and in everywhere. That means God is there in my experience at the Buddhist temple. He was there, I just need to seek, believe, and I would find Him. He may not take the same name or be called as a supreme being in another religion, but He was there. This is so true. Once I surrendered to the experience and accepeted that truth in my heart, I felt so much peace and my heart was more open to learnings. I also discovered part of the calling of my life through it.
(2)
People whose souls are in a higher state of enlightenment seemed to be connected in spirit. They are one no matter what religion they take. I was given the same message, whether in a Catholic church or in Buddhist temple. The master of the temple is a highly respectable monk. He is the the director of all temples in the sub-district but he always keep himself simple and humble by cleaning the temples with his own hands, practicing Dharma in simple things like doing chores. I believe he is of high state of soul, for so many things he had said in the sermons spoke so directly to me and to other people as if he was able to read the minds. Some of his preaching inspired me very much and some were very practical as well. Somehow, the things that he said I should improve in myself are the same things that the some Catholic people have been trying to teach me. Now I really I believe that the highly-evolved souls are connected into one, but I just don't know how they do it because I am not one of them.
What is more important is that I learn to humble myself before these beautiful souls. I, now, respect them and believe that they really deserve the respect.
Here are what I learn from listening to the monk's sermon and from a conversation with him:
- I should think about my spiritual goal and focus on it now. A lot of life have been wasted on worldly pleasure like eating, buying, traveling. I don't know what day my life would end so it is better to seek "the treasures of the soul" not "worldly treasures"
-I have been creating unreal fantasy and confusing thoughts in my head. I was hurt and sad because of these illlusions that my mind have created. Some of the things I believe have happened, in reality it may not be that way at all. It's all in my head.
-There are many ways to meditation. Focusing on a task at hand is already one way that I can practice both concentration and mindfulness. I don't have to lose heart if I can't do it the formal way.
-Speak few words, don't speak when there is no point in speaking. I have wounded a person's heart severely by my words before and I should learn to take it as a lesson. Be very careful with my words.
-If I do good, people will gossip about me. If I do bad, people will gossip about me. There is no way that I can escape that. It is a very natural thing in the world so I should just ignore it and continue living my life.
-I should remember that all things on Earth are half-half, you can't find anything all good or anything all bad. People are that way as well.
- I told the monk 'I don't like people misunderstanding me.' And the monk said, "and what about you? do you always understand other people correctly? You think you never misunderstood them?" He also said that there are things that I don't even know at all and I thought I understood it. So I shouldn't be proud or have too much ego.
- He even knows that I have a messy room. He said "put things in order. When you look for something and can't find them, you get all moody and that can be spread to those around you as well. So put everything in order, in a way that is easy to find. You will have more peace in life." (My mom would be so glad to hear that he teaches me that, she's been trying to teach me that all her life but never succeed.)
Finally, he said that, the fact that we all (the monk, me, and a few other people) are sitting here, discussing these things, happen not just by chance, but because our souls have long known one another before in the past lives.
Early morning, at the very moment before I left the temple, God answered my prayer. He let me know what is my calling in this life, at least an important part of it. The thought comes to my mind quietly but when it dawned on me, it is full of so much light. I will hold on to it from now on, as the true calling of my life. (I will not discuss it here now. Better to wait until I gather all the pieces of the puzzles completely. But I got an important piece of it now.)
As a lone traveler
People often ask me why I like to travel alone. It is hard for me to explain, but let me just say that in being alone I am free to be myself and to follow my heart's desire. I am free to do whatever I want to do in every single minute of the trip. I am free to hang around places that give me inspiration and peace or leave places that make me feel bored. I am free to make decision and learn to live with the results of my decision. I have big opportunities to learn from strangers or make new temporary friendship. They're worthy, you know, you can learn a lot from a person although you might not be able to meet him or her again after that trip. When traveling alone, I have to stick very close to God in order to be safe and reach destinations. I have to listen to Him in my conscience all the time. And in many situations I have to rely purely on kindness of strangers which reminds me that I need other people on Earth and that people are generally good. The world never lacks good people, they are everywhere. Most of all, it is the time that God will show me the lessons he wants me to learn.
Soon I will write a book to tell all about this in details and maybe one day some people might want to pack their suitcases and step out there in the world and discover great things. Trust me, you'll get addicted to it!
I am also a lone seeker of wisdom and truth. Out of the blue, I often arrive at a church, cathedral, temple that I had never been to and ask questions and people would look at me with such curious, distrustful eyes that reflect questions like 'Who is she?" "Where does she come from?" "What does she want?" "Can we trust her?" or "Is she a spy?" Lately, I just received a big distrustful look from a priest in a province outside Bangkok, just because I walked straight out to him and said hello. All that I ever did was just to thank him for taking the time to give me directions to the church on the phone and to ask him a simple question about God's will. But then, I felt an urge to back away for he seemed so "distrustful." He even tried to ask me trickery questions to see if I was telling the truth. Well, I'm not saying that he was distrustful, for the truth is I don't know and I shouldn't judge, but that how it seemed and how it made me feel.
Being rejected this way always hurt but I'm getting more used to it. I wasn't angry at him for people have all the right reason to suspect strangers that appear out of nowhere to their door step. But you know, I just couldn't help thinking that if one day I can appear in front of a door step and be welcomed and trusted by the person inside the building, I would feel so very happy. I am just a lone traveler, enjoying her journey and seeking for guidance and wisdom. I am not a wolf under sheep skin. I wish I could tell them that.
Wait a minute. I just happened to remember a good memory. The priest who received me the first time when I went to the Little Holy Spirit Chapel to ask for help was so kind to me. He was very, very kind to me on that first day when I was just a stranger, dressed so improperly, hanging around, waiting to talk to him, like a ghost. He talked to me kindly, promised me that he would help, he walked me to the lunch area. When thinking about that, I am still grateful. And that was indeed, something that made me believe from day one that he is from God, he works for God. For there was so much kindness and love in him. (Thank you, Father)
Anyway, the latest lesson that God gave me was to accept rejection, misunderstanding, and gossip as an unavoidable pain in my life. Just accept it and don't do anything else. (The message came from a monk in a temple, someone I highly respect.)He also tells me not to forget that sometimes I also misunderstand other people's intention and thought, so don't blame anyone if that sometimes happen to me. It's just human nature.
But no matter what, I won't stop being a solo traveler and truth seeker. It is something that my heart loves to do and I will continue to do it. If I offend someone, then I will back away and leave. That's all. But maybe, who knows, I might happen to find those who ready to trust and be kind to strangers again.
Soon I will write a book to tell all about this in details and maybe one day some people might want to pack their suitcases and step out there in the world and discover great things. Trust me, you'll get addicted to it!
I am also a lone seeker of wisdom and truth. Out of the blue, I often arrive at a church, cathedral, temple that I had never been to and ask questions and people would look at me with such curious, distrustful eyes that reflect questions like 'Who is she?" "Where does she come from?" "What does she want?" "Can we trust her?" or "Is she a spy?" Lately, I just received a big distrustful look from a priest in a province outside Bangkok, just because I walked straight out to him and said hello. All that I ever did was just to thank him for taking the time to give me directions to the church on the phone and to ask him a simple question about God's will. But then, I felt an urge to back away for he seemed so "distrustful." He even tried to ask me trickery questions to see if I was telling the truth. Well, I'm not saying that he was distrustful, for the truth is I don't know and I shouldn't judge, but that how it seemed and how it made me feel.
Being rejected this way always hurt but I'm getting more used to it. I wasn't angry at him for people have all the right reason to suspect strangers that appear out of nowhere to their door step. But you know, I just couldn't help thinking that if one day I can appear in front of a door step and be welcomed and trusted by the person inside the building, I would feel so very happy. I am just a lone traveler, enjoying her journey and seeking for guidance and wisdom. I am not a wolf under sheep skin. I wish I could tell them that.
Wait a minute. I just happened to remember a good memory. The priest who received me the first time when I went to the Little Holy Spirit Chapel to ask for help was so kind to me. He was very, very kind to me on that first day when I was just a stranger, dressed so improperly, hanging around, waiting to talk to him, like a ghost. He talked to me kindly, promised me that he would help, he walked me to the lunch area. When thinking about that, I am still grateful. And that was indeed, something that made me believe from day one that he is from God, he works for God. For there was so much kindness and love in him. (Thank you, Father)
Anyway, the latest lesson that God gave me was to accept rejection, misunderstanding, and gossip as an unavoidable pain in my life. Just accept it and don't do anything else. (The message came from a monk in a temple, someone I highly respect.)He also tells me not to forget that sometimes I also misunderstand other people's intention and thought, so don't blame anyone if that sometimes happen to me. It's just human nature.
But no matter what, I won't stop being a solo traveler and truth seeker. It is something that my heart loves to do and I will continue to do it. If I offend someone, then I will back away and leave. That's all. But maybe, who knows, I might happen to find those who ready to trust and be kind to strangers again.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Please...no more crowns...no more race
Dear God,
I felt so unhappy everytime people talking about getting a crown in heaven or about winning race and receiving an award in Heaven. To me, it sounds like Heaven is another high-class company with carrot sticks award for employees, the very thing that I hate so much on Earth. If Heaven is really that way then there is absolutely no hope at all, I rather be a ghost roaming around somewhere else, at least there is not so much pressure and competition.
Well, yes, I know that there are many levels of souls and I know that I'm nothing comparing to your saints and martyes. But can I forget about the levels, the classes, the who-sit-near-Jesus-throne stuff? The idea really irritates me.
Dear God, can I just be hugged by you when I get there? That's all I want, really.
I want to be bathed in Your love and forget everything.
That is the only reward my heart desires.
I felt so unhappy everytime people talking about getting a crown in heaven or about winning race and receiving an award in Heaven. To me, it sounds like Heaven is another high-class company with carrot sticks award for employees, the very thing that I hate so much on Earth. If Heaven is really that way then there is absolutely no hope at all, I rather be a ghost roaming around somewhere else, at least there is not so much pressure and competition.
Well, yes, I know that there are many levels of souls and I know that I'm nothing comparing to your saints and martyes. But can I forget about the levels, the classes, the who-sit-near-Jesus-throne stuff? The idea really irritates me.
Dear God, can I just be hugged by you when I get there? That's all I want, really.
I want to be bathed in Your love and forget everything.
That is the only reward my heart desires.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
As a Viewer
There was a moment in time, yesterday, that I felt that everything is ok.
I am just a viewer hidden in my own "self", watching the actions, the decisions, the happiness,the pain, and the unfolding life of this girl named Khemaluck.
I chose to experience life on Earth through this girl, with her characters, her memory, her strength, and her flaws.
It was a short moment but I felt no misery, but free.
Then back to my own suffering self again.
I guess the girl that I am experiencing life through
is on an important change of her life, she has been feeling a lot of pain.
She has the uncontrollable worries and thoughts flooding her head again last night.
She felt as if life is trying to force her into something she doesn't want to be.
She felt as if these people are watching her every move and that it is so unfair that she can't do the same to them.
She is trying to change though, she knows that something is here for her for the better.
But somehow, there is another desire to always stay herself, which brings more peace.
She is now thinking that the best thing for her is to change when she feels ready to change.
She will not force herself,nor letting anyone pressure her, it is her right as a human being.
She is learning new things, improving bit by bit, taking in people's advice that seem to work for her life and what she is facing.But not everything that they say.
But she will not go as far as to decide right now what God wants her to do wit her life.
She wants to retreat into the safest haven, the present moment.
She knows that her body and mind is now very tired.
Yest, she has a lot of work in hand to get done.
Her important birthday is coming soon and she will have time alone with God a lot during her journey.
The girl was happy yesterday that she could finally feel some pain for her ex-boyfriend. After the confession was much more at peace, she is willing to try be treat him nicely, to let him knows that she always loves him but her heart is wholely against the idea of getting back to him as a girlfriend. Her heart is wholely against the idea of marrying him although she knows how much she loves him. So...she will follow her heart. She will try to be nice, try to do anything that will give him the healing that he needs and prays that the man will stop trying to change her. She will not respond to any coercive way of teaching, even when the person is meant well for her. Unless, of course, unless God tells her to do and she can confirms clearly that it is His will for her.
As for the other man, whom the lack of clear communication between her and him has always caused so much troubles. She just let go. Wish him peace. And pray, that God will tell him that she has never meant any harm or cause him any irritation or anger. But she believes that his heart is kind and his intention has aways been good for her. So whatever will happen, whether she will meet him again or not, she will not make it a big deal anymore. Just let it go like the wind that flows away to the unknown destination, the wind that comes and goes whenever it wants to.
The girl looks back to her life.
She is so used to this kind of sorrow that she has good immune system for it.
The pain cannot destroy her, she will just let it stay until it is willing to go.
She is also learning to hug and comfort herself.
Making small steps.
Surviving.
It is just life anyway, it's just life.
I am just a viewer hidden in my own "self", watching the actions, the decisions, the happiness,the pain, and the unfolding life of this girl named Khemaluck.
I chose to experience life on Earth through this girl, with her characters, her memory, her strength, and her flaws.
It was a short moment but I felt no misery, but free.
Then back to my own suffering self again.
I guess the girl that I am experiencing life through
is on an important change of her life, she has been feeling a lot of pain.
She has the uncontrollable worries and thoughts flooding her head again last night.
She felt as if life is trying to force her into something she doesn't want to be.
She felt as if these people are watching her every move and that it is so unfair that she can't do the same to them.
She is trying to change though, she knows that something is here for her for the better.
But somehow, there is another desire to always stay herself, which brings more peace.
She is now thinking that the best thing for her is to change when she feels ready to change.
She will not force herself,nor letting anyone pressure her, it is her right as a human being.
She is learning new things, improving bit by bit, taking in people's advice that seem to work for her life and what she is facing.But not everything that they say.
But she will not go as far as to decide right now what God wants her to do wit her life.
She wants to retreat into the safest haven, the present moment.
She knows that her body and mind is now very tired.
Yest, she has a lot of work in hand to get done.
Her important birthday is coming soon and she will have time alone with God a lot during her journey.
The girl was happy yesterday that she could finally feel some pain for her ex-boyfriend. After the confession was much more at peace, she is willing to try be treat him nicely, to let him knows that she always loves him but her heart is wholely against the idea of getting back to him as a girlfriend. Her heart is wholely against the idea of marrying him although she knows how much she loves him. So...she will follow her heart. She will try to be nice, try to do anything that will give him the healing that he needs and prays that the man will stop trying to change her. She will not respond to any coercive way of teaching, even when the person is meant well for her. Unless, of course, unless God tells her to do and she can confirms clearly that it is His will for her.
As for the other man, whom the lack of clear communication between her and him has always caused so much troubles. She just let go. Wish him peace. And pray, that God will tell him that she has never meant any harm or cause him any irritation or anger. But she believes that his heart is kind and his intention has aways been good for her. So whatever will happen, whether she will meet him again or not, she will not make it a big deal anymore. Just let it go like the wind that flows away to the unknown destination, the wind that comes and goes whenever it wants to.
The girl looks back to her life.
She is so used to this kind of sorrow that she has good immune system for it.
The pain cannot destroy her, she will just let it stay until it is willing to go.
She is also learning to hug and comfort herself.
Making small steps.
Surviving.
It is just life anyway, it's just life.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Ode to My Ex-Boyfriend
I have never meant to cause you any pain
Or make you shed any tears
I have never thought that it would turn out this way
Will you forgive me?
But if that it is so hard for you to do
Then let me share a pound or two
of your sorrow
of your misery
of your suffering
Let God burn me for awhile with his anger
So that I can share some of your pain
Darling, I've never thought that it would be this hard
When it comes the time that our roads need to part
Please know that my soul is always with you
And that my heart is always near
I have loved with with the depth of my being
I choose this road for it is the only way
That we can stop hurting each other
Now...today
Let me try my best
To love all and to forgive all
I will no longer hold anything
Against anyone
Even those who look down on me
Even those who perscute me
I will forgive them all
For you, my love
I will pray that God will lift you
Out of this pit of despair and hatred
I will pray that He will let me
Carry all of the burden with you
For even if you no longer believe me
I still love you and will always will
Despite my decision
That you view as cruel
Share me your pain, my love
Let the fire burn me too
Let the same thorn of the same rose
Cut deep into my spirit too
Let we both bleed
all the hatred away
So that we can once again
Feel the light...feel the hope
And realize the destiny of our soul
Please let this be my prayer....Amen
Or make you shed any tears
I have never thought that it would turn out this way
Will you forgive me?
But if that it is so hard for you to do
Then let me share a pound or two
of your sorrow
of your misery
of your suffering
Let God burn me for awhile with his anger
So that I can share some of your pain
Darling, I've never thought that it would be this hard
When it comes the time that our roads need to part
Please know that my soul is always with you
And that my heart is always near
I have loved with with the depth of my being
I choose this road for it is the only way
That we can stop hurting each other
Now...today
Let me try my best
To love all and to forgive all
I will no longer hold anything
Against anyone
Even those who look down on me
Even those who perscute me
I will forgive them all
For you, my love
I will pray that God will lift you
Out of this pit of despair and hatred
I will pray that He will let me
Carry all of the burden with you
For even if you no longer believe me
I still love you and will always will
Despite my decision
That you view as cruel
Share me your pain, my love
Let the fire burn me too
Let the same thorn of the same rose
Cut deep into my spirit too
Let we both bleed
all the hatred away
So that we can once again
Feel the light...feel the hope
And realize the destiny of our soul
Please let this be my prayer....Amen
Thursday, 9 August 2012
It's in the eyes
Just something to share...a recent thought
I look back from an event not long ago, I saw something evil in the eyes of someone.
On some other days, I used to see something so loving and kind from the eyes of this same person.
In another recent event, I saw something so innocent and lovely in the eyes of another person. I used to see evil and malicous intention from this person's eyes some weeks ago.
So I come to think, maybe we human got a divine spirit living in us sometimes, but there are also some other times that evil spirits have their chance to control us as well. I guess my eyes must reflect the same thing. One day it may reflects kindness and love and people may feel pleasant when in contact with me. On another day I may have eyes like the devil, so terrible that people want to turn away. Same thing, I guess.
To consider this matter in a reverse way, it is also in the eyes of the beholder. If I look at another person with prejudice and negative thought, I might feel that the person has a bad intention toward me, when in fact that person maybe innocent or even has benevolent intention for me. In the same way, I may not have any bad intention, but if a person looks at me with judgement and negative thoughts, he or she might see that I am having that evil look or accused me of haing ulterior motives in my action.
Hmm...just a thought. The conclusion is..."thou shall not judge"
I should often remind myself of that.
I look back from an event not long ago, I saw something evil in the eyes of someone.
On some other days, I used to see something so loving and kind from the eyes of this same person.
In another recent event, I saw something so innocent and lovely in the eyes of another person. I used to see evil and malicous intention from this person's eyes some weeks ago.
So I come to think, maybe we human got a divine spirit living in us sometimes, but there are also some other times that evil spirits have their chance to control us as well. I guess my eyes must reflect the same thing. One day it may reflects kindness and love and people may feel pleasant when in contact with me. On another day I may have eyes like the devil, so terrible that people want to turn away. Same thing, I guess.
To consider this matter in a reverse way, it is also in the eyes of the beholder. If I look at another person with prejudice and negative thought, I might feel that the person has a bad intention toward me, when in fact that person maybe innocent or even has benevolent intention for me. In the same way, I may not have any bad intention, but if a person looks at me with judgement and negative thoughts, he or she might see that I am having that evil look or accused me of haing ulterior motives in my action.
Hmm...just a thought. The conclusion is..."thou shall not judge"
I should often remind myself of that.
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
To Change and To Remain
I have just deleted the previous longer post that I wrote under this topic. Something inside me says that I should keep to what is very important to say.
I have just learned that there are things I should learn from others and improve myself. And there are things that I mustn't change or yield to other people's will. Something that God helped me to learn earlier during the Bangkok flood last year, just not long before my baptism, seem to be an important thing that guide the bigger view of the path that I should walk.
There are a lot of confusion and stress after I'm trying to learn this new path. I've been talking to many people and got a vast variety of opinions. So I tried to think back of an important thing that I learned many years ago when I first believed in God, "If getting confused, stop asking people and ask God instead."
I am walking a new path. And I believe that the people that I am learning from are great people with wisdom, blessings, and spiritual gifts. I am sure that most of what they are saying are very true and will help me with my walk. I am sure that most of the time they are teaching me out of their love and good will. I am sure that I have heard Divine Spirit of God spoken through many of them at different times.
However, there are also something that I cannot conform to. Something that the still small voice in my heart rejected. Some of the teachings I heard stressed me out and pulled me down to despair, the trap of the Devil itself.
I know that a lot of things in me need much, much improvement. And I will improve and I will believe them. But I also know the nature of my soul, it needs to focus on the light, on the positive, on the Unending Love of the God, on the Great Hope, instead of focusing on the fear of Hell, the ugliness of sin, or the fear of Evil. I will not grow if my heart keeps looking at all these things.
I came home that night, asking God again. He confirmed me, that they are His people and they come to help me, but also let me know I musn't listen to anything that is contradicted to the simple truth in Jesus Christ. The truth that God has shown me all along so many years, the very thing that made me fall in love with Him. And the new path of freedom that He showed me during the Bangkok flood.
So I will change. There are three things I can learn from them because they are good models to me in many ways.
But I will also remain myself, for God still confirmed to me that each individual on Earth has his or her own place and destiny. They mustn't conform to anything that make them lose that individuality, the zeal to become who they really are.
So I will change, and I will remain. And that decision brings so much peace to me.
I will
I have just learned that there are things I should learn from others and improve myself. And there are things that I mustn't change or yield to other people's will. Something that God helped me to learn earlier during the Bangkok flood last year, just not long before my baptism, seem to be an important thing that guide the bigger view of the path that I should walk.
There are a lot of confusion and stress after I'm trying to learn this new path. I've been talking to many people and got a vast variety of opinions. So I tried to think back of an important thing that I learned many years ago when I first believed in God, "If getting confused, stop asking people and ask God instead."
I am walking a new path. And I believe that the people that I am learning from are great people with wisdom, blessings, and spiritual gifts. I am sure that most of what they are saying are very true and will help me with my walk. I am sure that most of the time they are teaching me out of their love and good will. I am sure that I have heard Divine Spirit of God spoken through many of them at different times.
However, there are also something that I cannot conform to. Something that the still small voice in my heart rejected. Some of the teachings I heard stressed me out and pulled me down to despair, the trap of the Devil itself.
I know that a lot of things in me need much, much improvement. And I will improve and I will believe them. But I also know the nature of my soul, it needs to focus on the light, on the positive, on the Unending Love of the God, on the Great Hope, instead of focusing on the fear of Hell, the ugliness of sin, or the fear of Evil. I will not grow if my heart keeps looking at all these things.
I came home that night, asking God again. He confirmed me, that they are His people and they come to help me, but also let me know I musn't listen to anything that is contradicted to the simple truth in Jesus Christ. The truth that God has shown me all along so many years, the very thing that made me fall in love with Him. And the new path of freedom that He showed me during the Bangkok flood.
So I will change. There are three things I can learn from them because they are good models to me in many ways.
But I will also remain myself, for God still confirmed to me that each individual on Earth has his or her own place and destiny. They mustn't conform to anything that make them lose that individuality, the zeal to become who they really are.
So I will change, and I will remain. And that decision brings so much peace to me.
I will
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Being Alone Or Being With Others
Recently, after sharing my opinion and listening to another person's point of view, I learned to categorize the change of socializing habit in people into two types (of course we should not categorize or stereotype people, but this is just to help me understand people more)
Here they are:
1) Some people, myself included, have been hurt by other people during socialzing events. They might have done something embarrassing and then other people show strong disapproval or laugh at them, so they are afraid of going out there, afraid of making more mistakes and getting all those mean looks and criticism from other people. So they prefer to live their life alone, avoding all sorts of gathering events or parties. They prefer to be alone, work alone, travel alone, pray alone, and learn to enjoy their own company and find solitude in God. For this group of people, God will teach them to open up, let go of the past fear, and learn to see God in the eyes of other people. So far, that is what happening to me. I know that I must learn to be with more people so that I can give and receive, love and laugh, exchange experience, be kind, and learn to live together peacefully with the other children of God. But still, it is not an easy thing to me.
2) Some people, on the opposite, have been socialzing so much all their lives. They find comfort in being among people, in being surrounded by friends and acquaintances. They love to party and love all kinds of social events. They hardly be alone and hardly stand being alone for it makes them feel lonely. In this case, it is like they 'rely' on others to be happy. So God teach them a different thing; that happiness can be found in total solitude, in being alone with God and have their souls fulfilled. It is a different way of learning but it is very true as well. Total peace can be found in silence and in union between human heart and God's.
In my opinion, in the end both groups of people will end up in the same place: finding the good balance between being by themselves and being with others. They will learn that both are necessary for human lives on Earth and they can't go too extreme. They will learn that they shoud be with others not to seek happiness for themselves but to give, to exchange, and to love. They will learn also that solitude is also necessary. It is important for everyone to find time to be alone with God quietely, listen to Him, and just feel His love flow directly into their souls. But they should not decide to be alone because the want to hide, because they are afraid.
From my past job in consultant companies, I also learn the some people naturally prefer being by themselves and some people naturally prefer socialzing. So we should not say that everyone should have their times divided exactly at 50-50 for being alone and being with others. If you find a lot of peace from being alone by yourselves, then spend a lot of time alone. If you feel energetic by being with people, then spend a lot of time socializing and doing activities with others. In conclusion, just be yourself but don't run into the extreme that ruins the balance of your true nature as human being.
Here they are:
1) Some people, myself included, have been hurt by other people during socialzing events. They might have done something embarrassing and then other people show strong disapproval or laugh at them, so they are afraid of going out there, afraid of making more mistakes and getting all those mean looks and criticism from other people. So they prefer to live their life alone, avoding all sorts of gathering events or parties. They prefer to be alone, work alone, travel alone, pray alone, and learn to enjoy their own company and find solitude in God. For this group of people, God will teach them to open up, let go of the past fear, and learn to see God in the eyes of other people. So far, that is what happening to me. I know that I must learn to be with more people so that I can give and receive, love and laugh, exchange experience, be kind, and learn to live together peacefully with the other children of God. But still, it is not an easy thing to me.
2) Some people, on the opposite, have been socialzing so much all their lives. They find comfort in being among people, in being surrounded by friends and acquaintances. They love to party and love all kinds of social events. They hardly be alone and hardly stand being alone for it makes them feel lonely. In this case, it is like they 'rely' on others to be happy. So God teach them a different thing; that happiness can be found in total solitude, in being alone with God and have their souls fulfilled. It is a different way of learning but it is very true as well. Total peace can be found in silence and in union between human heart and God's.
In my opinion, in the end both groups of people will end up in the same place: finding the good balance between being by themselves and being with others. They will learn that both are necessary for human lives on Earth and they can't go too extreme. They will learn that they shoud be with others not to seek happiness for themselves but to give, to exchange, and to love. They will learn also that solitude is also necessary. It is important for everyone to find time to be alone with God quietely, listen to Him, and just feel His love flow directly into their souls. But they should not decide to be alone because the want to hide, because they are afraid.
From my past job in consultant companies, I also learn the some people naturally prefer being by themselves and some people naturally prefer socialzing. So we should not say that everyone should have their times divided exactly at 50-50 for being alone and being with others. If you find a lot of peace from being alone by yourselves, then spend a lot of time alone. If you feel energetic by being with people, then spend a lot of time socializing and doing activities with others. In conclusion, just be yourself but don't run into the extreme that ruins the balance of your true nature as human being.
In another person's shoes
Have you ever noticed that sometimes life put us into a particular situation just to help us learn what is like to be anothe person? If we hurt another, we will be hurt in the same way. If we misunderstand another and blame the person, we will be misunderstood and be blamed in the same way. This is the same with positive actions. If we give, we will be given. If we treat someone kindly, we will be treated kindly. Sometimes we are put in a particulary incident so that we can view a situation, or even life, from another person's point of view, which we have not seen or understood before. This happens in my life many times. And if I learn from it, the lesson will be over, but if I don't, it will be repeated.
Lately, I learned why a particulary person seem to treat me unkindly or look at me with distrustful eyes. I was hurt by his actions and didn't understand him at all. Two weeks after the situation, I was put into almost exactly the same situation but playing a different role. I felt a little uncomfortable by a few of his words and a bit of his actions, and I probably reacted the same way that the other person had acted toward me in the first situation. Now I can understand him better.
That is why we are told not to judge, and we must treat others in the way that we want to be treated. Otherwise, it will come around anyway. ;)
Lately, I learned why a particulary person seem to treat me unkindly or look at me with distrustful eyes. I was hurt by his actions and didn't understand him at all. Two weeks after the situation, I was put into almost exactly the same situation but playing a different role. I felt a little uncomfortable by a few of his words and a bit of his actions, and I probably reacted the same way that the other person had acted toward me in the first situation. Now I can understand him better.
That is why we are told not to judge, and we must treat others in the way that we want to be treated. Otherwise, it will come around anyway. ;)
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