As a Viewer

There was a moment in time, yesterday, that I felt that everything is ok.
I am just a viewer hidden in my own "self", watching the actions, the decisions, the happiness,the pain, and the unfolding life of this girl named Khemaluck.
I chose to experience life on Earth through this girl, with her characters, her memory, her strength, and her flaws.
It was a short moment but I felt no misery, but free.
Then back to my own suffering self again.

I guess the girl that I am experiencing life through
is on an important change of her life, she has been feeling a lot of pain.
She has the uncontrollable worries and thoughts flooding her head again last night.
She felt as if life is trying to force her into something she doesn't want to be.
She felt as if these people are watching her every move and that it is so unfair that she can't do the same to them.
She is trying to change though, she knows that something is here for her for the better.
But somehow, there is another desire to always stay herself, which brings more peace.

She is now thinking that the best thing for her is to change when she feels ready to change.
She will not force herself,nor letting anyone pressure her, it is her right as a human being.
She is learning new things, improving bit by bit, taking in people's advice that seem to work for her life and what she is facing.But not everything that they say.
But she will not go as far as to decide right now what God wants her to do wit her life.
She wants to retreat into the safest haven, the present moment.
She knows that her body and mind is now very tired.
Yest, she has a lot of work in hand to get done.
Her important birthday is coming soon and she will have time alone with God a lot during her journey.

The girl was happy yesterday that she could finally feel some pain for her ex-boyfriend. After the confession was much more at peace, she is willing to try be treat him nicely, to let him knows that she always loves him but her heart is wholely against the idea of getting back to him as a girlfriend. Her heart is wholely against the idea of marrying him although she knows how much she loves him. So...she will follow her heart. She will try to be nice, try to do anything that will give him the healing that he needs and prays that the man will stop trying to change her. She will not respond to any coercive way of teaching, even when the person is meant well for her. Unless, of course, unless God tells her to do and she can confirms clearly that it is His will for her.

As for the other man, whom the lack of clear communication between her and him has always caused so much troubles. She just let go. Wish him peace. And pray, that God will tell him that she has never meant any harm or cause him any irritation or anger. But she believes that his heart is kind and his intention has aways been good for her. So whatever will happen, whether she will meet him again or not, she will not make it a big deal anymore. Just let it go like the wind that flows away to the unknown destination, the wind that comes and goes whenever it wants to.

The girl looks back to her life.
She is so used to this kind of sorrow that she has good immune system for it.
The pain cannot destroy her, she will just let it stay until it is willing to go.

She is also learning to hug and comfort herself.
Making small steps.
Surviving.

It is just life anyway, it's just life.