Which way, Which path?

I don't know when I first said this prayer, but I've been asking God to grant me three most important things of my life. Let me not talk about number 2 and 3 for now. Although they are very important to me, but they still have to be below my number one wish.


My number one wish, the most important goal of my life, the thing that I want to have above all things, is....to find my place on Earth, to find my destiny and complete the task that is there for me to do right here in this life, to be able to know God more and more and get closer and closer to Him, to be able to reflect the light to the world, the light that is not my own but comes from God.


I remember myself praying....my life is in Your hand, dear God. Please guide me anywhere to do anything you want me to do. Make me become the person you have planned. You know me well more than I know myself.


But...I also remember myself saying "Well, but I don't want to be your disciple, I don't think I can be a disciple. It's too hard and heavy for me. I believe it's for those who are born just for it. Just put me with a task on Earth. I just want to be an ordinary citizen of the world."

Disciple, in my understanding, mean the people who received direct teaching from Him and devote their whole life on Earth just to spread his teachings, like the 12 disciples of Jesus. They have to go through a lot of tough things, I mean very, very tough. I know that some people on Earth right now are still his disciples.

My two prayers seem to be in conflict with each other:
Dear God, I'm yours, make me whatever you want me to be ....and then....
No, no, not being a disciple...it must be too hard for me.

Maybe God would laugh a little and say...dear child, in your first prayer, you already ask to become my disciple. Isn't it a little funny the way you pray that and said that you don't want to be my disciple? I'm already starting to make you become what I want you to be.


But life is free choices and free will. So God let me choose as well. And lately, there seem to be a question, whether I want to stay a bit worldly, serving Him but not stepping out of the line, not being very different from others and still enjoy a bit of worldly pleasure here and there as opportunities give (which is not wrong, of course) OR whether I would really separate myself from this world and focus on the next world, totally devote myself to my spiritual life and only cares for what matters to Heaven.


But...I also remember a night when my passed away Grandma came to me in my dream, caressing the palm of my hand, and said "My dear, you can't go to the extreme in this life. Your path is the middle way." So I really don't know which path is meant for me.


So far, I only feel 3 things that seem to lead me to my calling. These 3 things seem to fall right into my heart and put me at peace once the thought has dawned on me. If I do anything in this life that lead me toward these, it would feel right in my heart.


1) To love. Focus my life on love. To make others feel that they are ok the way God made them and that they are loved so unconditionally.To let them know that although they fall, again and again they can still get up and go on.There are so many people who just need to be loved, not taught, nor led. I just couldn't help feeling that if I can live my life in the way that I can make other people, maybe the children, feel this way about themselves, I would feel that a purpose in life is completed. Nick, the man without arms and legs, inspired me to discover this longing in my heart. His soul shines so brilliantly that you can see his beauty even inside a very handicapped body.


2) To see God beyond the boundary of faiths and religions. Although I know that I would never ever leave my path as a Christian, because this is where I belong, and Jesus has done so much for me and I am nothing without him. But God sent me signs and messages more than once that I should not let anything confuse me that God can only be found in one faith, for He is far greater than that and no one can lock him up. No one has the right to say that God loves one group of people more than another. I have asked Him question about other religions since I was younger and I remember his answer in my dream very well. I remember that picture of Jesus as a shepherd, and then that picture is suddenly torn in the middle by something invisible and there is a voice saying "Do not think of Me as a human only" and then I saw something like vapour floating up into the sky. And I understood right away that it was an answer to my question. God is also spirit and he can be anywhere, anything. He even gave me a Bible verse to go with this, a verse that says one day people will no longer worship Him in any church, but will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And now as I'm an adult, God still sends me this message in several other ways, and every time the message reaches me, I feel so much at peace. It feels so right in my heart. And I found this calling also on the morning of my 33rd birthday, as I left the Buddhist temple to go join the mass in a Catholic church. I felt wonderful that I can learn to find God in different places, in different way.



3) To learn to access the spiritual world and be able to receive direction from God more directly and to feel His love more deeply. It would be wonderful if I can view this world from both my human eyes and spiritual eyes. I know that we are living in a box called human body and that really blocks you from seeing the truth of things in this world and in the universe. Our five senses is very limited. However, I am not sure yet if this is my calling. It seems that those who can do this must have the gift of "meditation" and I don't. I used to meditate well when I was a child, I came back to do it as an adult and I could do it a bit but then lately God just took it away from me, I can't do it at all. However, someone told me that there is another different way to learn to do it, but I must wait. So I just wait. But I'm really not sure if I will be blessed in such a way. The only thing that give me a tiny bit of hope was the memory of the spiritual gift that I used to have when I was a teenager.
       It was OBE (out-of-body experience). It happened to me spontaneously since I was 13 years old, I didn't meditate or try to make it happen. Since then I no longer doubt whether spiritual world existed. I realized that we are originally spirits and the body is just the temporary form of existance. (I also learned that it is so much better to be without phyical body, it feels so light and so free) But since my OBE journeys were mostly random and without a specific purpose, I was afraid that if it happened to me on the day that I was depressed or spiritually low, I might end up slipping off to some scary parts of the universe during OBE. That was why one day I prayed to God to take it away, and only let it happenned to me with a good purpose. After that prayer, the experience rarely happened to me. Only once in a while when God wanted me to pray for some spirits, to visit someone, or just to encourage me and soothe my troubled soul. I almost have none of the experience these days. But someone told me that the OBE happened to me because my soul has been gifted in the past and maybe when I grow older in this life, I might relate to the mission that I have to do on Earth. Well, that was someone saying, you know. Not God. I don't know if God wants me to have anything to do with the spirit worlds while I'm still living. And if I was hoping for it too much, wanting it too much, desiring it too much, then it will never happen. I can't put anything above God's will. If his answer is a "No" then I will accept it and live this world inside my box of five dull senses and just being loving to others till my last breath. Death is coming to free me one day anyway. I don't have to live in physical body forever anyway.

I am still waiting for more relevation about my mission on Earth, about the path that is best for me to walk. One thing I know, when I find something right, my heart has so much peace, it is the peace that beyond anything on Earth, and when that happens, I don't doubt or sway by indecisiveness, the way I often do a lot in my life. When God speaks to someone's heart, it is so powerful, more powerful than anything.

And I am waiting. Yes, I am waiting.