ข้อคิดดีๆ จาก "ทรายสีเพลิง"

แม้ว่าจะเปลี่ยนเรื่องไปเยอะจากเวอร์ชั่นก่อน แม้ว่าทรายเวอร์ชั่นนี้จะดูเหมือนตัวร้ายมากไปหน่อย
แต่ก็ยอมรับว่าผู้สร้างละคร "ทรายสีเพลิง" เวอร์ชั่นนี้ก็พยายามจะให้สิ่งดีๆกับสังคมอยู่ไม่ใช่น้อย

แน่นอนว่าแนวคิดหลักของเรื่องอยู่ที่ว่าการอาฆาตพยาบาทไม่เคยให้ประโยชน์ที่แท้จริงกับใคร
แต่ในละครเรื่องนี้แง่คิดอื่นๆที่แฝงอยู่อีกนะ

ข้อความที่มาจากหนังสือคาลิล ยิบรานที่ลูกศรอ่าน มันมีความหมายเยอะทีเดียว
ความรักไม่มีสิ่งอื่นใดนอกจากตัวมันเอง และไม่รับเอาสิ่งอื่นใดนอกจากตัวมันเอง 
ความรักไม่ครอบรองและไม่ยอมให้ถูกครอบครอง 
เพราะความรักนั้นเพียงพอแล้วที่จะตอบแทนความรัก
Love gives nothing but itself and takes nothing but from itself.
Love does not possess, and would not be possessed.
For love is sufficient unto love. ("The Prophet" Kalil Gibran)

หลายคนอาจมองว่าลูกศรเป็นผู้หญิงแนวโลกสวย โง่ เชื่อคนง่าย แต่ชีวิตของเธอคือตัวแทนของปรัชญาที่อยู่ด้านบนเป็นอย่างดี หากผู้หญิงคนนี้มีตัวตนจริงในโลก และถ้าหากเรื่องราวในชีวิตของเธอต้องจบลงด้วยความตายจากอุบัติเหตุนั้นจริงๆ แม้ว่าอาจจะดูเศร้า  แต่อย่าลืมว่าผู้หญิงคนนี้ได้ใช้ชีวิตทั้งหมดไปอย่างไม่น่าเสียดายเลย เธอ "ให้" คนที่เธอรักไปเรื่อยๆ ให้อภัยและมองข้ามความผิดของคนอื่นไปเรื่อยๆ เธอไม่ได้คาดหวังอะไรจากใคร เป็นเหมือนต้นไม้ที่เธอใหฌาน ต้นไม้ที่ไม่ต้องดูแลมากก็อยู่ได้ เธอไม่ได้คาดหวังความรักตอบด้วยซ้ำ เธอเพียงแค่ขอให้ได้รัก ได้ทำสิ่งที่ดีๆให้กับคนที่เธอรัก ได้คอยอยู่เคียงข้างคนที่เธอรัก  ผลที่ออกมาก็ชัดเจนอยู่ ในที่สุดความรักก็ได้เข้าไปสู่หัวใจของคนอื่นๆทุกคนที่เธอได้รัก ฌานเปลี่ยนใจมารักเธอ แม้แต่ทรายที่หัวใจเต็มไปด้วยความเกลียดชัง แต่พอเธอรับรู้ว่าเธอได้ทำอะไรลงไปกับผู้หญิงจิตใจดีที่มีแต่รักและเชื่อใจเธอตลอดมาคนนี้ เธอก็สำนึกผิดได้ในที่สุด ตัดสินใจที่จะเลิกสะสมความเกลียดชังในหัวใจได้ในที่สุด ทั้งชีวิตและแม้กระทั่งความตายของลูกศร ได้มอบสิ่งดีๆมากมายให้กับคนรอบตัวของเธอ จริงอยู่ ลูกศรดูเหมือนตัวละครในอุดมคติที่อาจหายากสักนิดในโลกทุกวันนี้ แต่มันก็เป็นการยืนยันถึงพลังของความรักแท้จากหัวใจที่ดีงาม ซึ่งเป็นสัจธรรมอย่างหนึ่งที่เราไม่ควรลืม
    ความรักคือการ "ให้" คนอื่น ไม่ว่าจะด้วยการทำสิ่งดีๆให้กับคนอื่นโดยที่ไม่คำนึงถึงตนเอง รวมถึงการ "ให้อภัย"  คำพูดจากลมปาก หรือคำสัญญาที่หวานซึ่ง หรือความโรแมนติกใดๆ มันไม่ใช่ความรัก และมันไม่สามารถดึงหัวใจของใครไว้ได้อย่างแท้จริง

อีกอย่างหนึ่งที่น่าคิด ชีวิตของคนบางคนก็มีมรสุมซ้ำเติมได้อย่างน่าช้ำใจ ตลอดชีวิตของฌาน ดูเหมือนจะมีคนที่รักเขาจริงเพียงแค่สองคน คือพ่อของเขากับลูกศร และทั้งสองก็ล้วนด่วนจากเขาไป เขาโดนหลอกลวงจากคนหลายคน ถูกหักหลังโดยผู้เป็นแม่ และจากผู้หญิงที่เขารักและไว้ใจมาหลายปี ถ้าผู้ชายคนนี้มีตัวตนอยู่จริง และชีวิตของเขาเป็นเช่นนี้จริงๆ ต้องยอมรับว่าบทเรียนที่เขาต้องเอาชนะและต้องผ่านมันไปให้ได้นั้นสุดยากหิน แต่ถ้าเขาสามารถยกโทษให้กับทราย หลังจากที่ทรายทำให้เขาต้องสูญเสียผู้หญิงเพียงคนเดียวที่รักเขาอย่างจริงใจ ถ้าเขาระลึกถึงถ้อยคำของลูกศรที่เคยบอกให้เขาให้อภัยกับทุกคน เชื่อว่าผู้ชายคนนี้จะมีหัวใจที่แข็งแกร่ง งดงาม และจะได้พบกับสิ่งดีงามในชีวิตหลังจากที่เวรกรรมจากอดีตของเขาได้ผ่านพ้นไป

และประการสุดท้าย กว่าที่คนบางคนจะคิดได้ว่าตนเองผิด ความสูญเสียอันยิ่งใหญ่ก็ได้เกิดขึ้นแล้ว แม่ของทรายคิดให้อภัยได้เมื่อชีวิตของเธอเริ่มสูงวัยขึ้น แต่เธอก็ได้ใส่พิษร้ายแห่งความอาฆาตแค้นลงในจิตใจของลูกสาวของเธอไปแล้ว ทรายเองก็สำนึกผิดได้ เมื่อลูกศรได้จากไปอย่างไม่มีวันกลับ แต่มาคิดดูดีๆนะ คิดได้ สำนึกผิดได้ แม้ว่าจะสายไป ก็ยังดีกว่าไม่เคยสำนึกผิดเลยจริงไหม

เชื่อว่าโลกเราก็มีมนุษย์จำนวนมากมายที่เป็นแบบนี้ล่ะ เต็มไปด้วยความคิดชั่วร้ายมากมายและทำสิ่งชั่วร้ายมากมาย แต่พวกเขาก็มีโอกาสสำนึกผิดได้ในวันหนึ่งจริงไหม มนุษย์นั้นไม่มีใครสมบูรณ์แบบ ขอให้เราให้อภัยกันและกันเถอะนะ เชื่อว่าโลกเราจะดีขึ้นได้ แม้ว่าจะต้องใช้เวลา

ฉันไม่สนใจหรอกนะว่าใครจะมองว่าเป็นคน "โลกสวย" เพราะถ้าหากเราไม่เชื่อมั่นในความงดงามที่อยู่ในก้นบึ้งของจิตใจมนุษย์ปุถุชนทั้งหลาย ถ้าหากเราเอาแต่มองโลกใบนี้ว่าเต็มไปด้วยสิ่งเลวร้ายและเป็นสีเทา เราจะไม่มีวันเปลี่ยนแปลงสิ่งต่างๆให้ดีขึ้นมาได้เลย ผู้คนในประวัติศาสตร์ที่สร้างการเปลี่ยนแปลงอันยิ่งใหญ่ให้กับโลกนี้ ล้วนแต่เชื่อมั่นว่า "โลกเราสามารถสวยงามขึ้นกว่าเดิมได้" ทั้งนั้นล่ะ

It is wonderful to communiticate

After I changed the location my blog, I got to talk to many people who read my posts and I read theirs. Experience and opinions are exchanged and they are precious. Having a resting place is good, but now I discover that it is even more wonderful when you can communicate something out and it really reaches other people and they communicate back to you. It seems that the new community that I'm in have many thought-full people, they like to think things out. I'm glad to be there!

Find a new home

Thoughts.com seems like a good home to me. Got myself a new name. Got my own space to write. Get to see some people with crazy thoughts like me.  Already feel much at peace with my new home. My resting place...from now one...will be only for the general topic. All personal and complicated one will be moved there. At least, my post wouldn't look so weird up there.

MOVE MY BLOG

I think I will move my blog now. I somehow feel weird to see all these posts appearing on other people's pages. I shouldn't have connected it with the google account. Sorry if I have disturbed you with some of my very personal thoughts.

On Death and Suicide

It's strange. The thought has not really left my head, although I'm much better now. I'm on pills. But death is still somehow...being kept on a shelf, as the last tool. I don't think I will use it any time soon but, still, it's there. I have also thought of another method of doing it...in a more romantic way...floating in the place that I love the most...thinking the thought that I love the most...then sleep and die. Better than being in a locked room with gas, maybe.

Today, I just want to make a reflection on death and suicide because I hear someone else talking about it, I hear another person's pain. I just happened to listen to a song called "Blue October" by Black Orchid. Truly, one of the saddest songs I ever heard.
 http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=black+orchid+blue+october

It makes me think of another Thai song, equally as sad. "Alone in the Wind" the woman is a bird with broken wing who wishes no longer to fly, she doesn't even want to see the sky, she only wants to rest forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKb5vpgKtA

These two songs make me think of all the suicide cases in the world. Day by day, many of us just give up and let go. Life can really run out of its meaning, run out of its happiness, run out of hope. And although it's the truth that every new day, we never know what is waiting ahead of us. There can be good things, yes, but well, when a person have faced dark days connected in a row for months, for years, and the darkness actually recide in his or her soul, how can that person hope for a sunshine day?

So far, I must consider myself lucky for darkness came to me in a period but it was lifted away just in time before I fell apart. I don't know what would become of me if it didn't stop. In my life, I've talked to suicidal people before. The darkness, for them, doesn't stop. It's there everyday. It bites into their thoughts, their feelings, their soul. No words from anyone can help them come up from this pit. It's such a deep darkness. If one has not been locked in this kind of hopless darkness, one can never understand. People would say "just get up and shake the blue away." Oh...they just don't know. They really don't know what it feels like.

I think back to the days of darkness. When it's getting really dark. No advice from anyone could help. The only two things that might still help in such time is God and Love. Really.
It means that you can pray for them and you can love them. Don't try to give advice, don't try to change their thoughts, don't preach anything, just love them. Just show them love in any form understandable to them. And then pray and pray.

Many people prayed for me in my hours of darkness and I'm grateful for them.

And during my dark depressive time, one thing that could lift me up is my mother's sweet smile in the morning when she come to get me from my bed. It worked on my heart better than any medicine.

I don't know when a dark storm will come again, and actually I'm not equipped to face another battle. So many questions unanswered. My faith and trust in God are still weak. Life still posts threats on me. Some dead ends seem looming ahead in the distance. I guess I haven't got it all figured out. I hope that I will be able to, one day, before I reach up on a shelf in the back of my heart and get the 'death' tool. But I promise myself that I will use any other tools I could ever find before I use that last tool.

There is one good thing about being depressed and suicidal, in my case. I don't know if I've written about this before somewhere, but it is the truth that happens inside me. I could feel my soul connected to the souls of those who are in deep sadness, despair, and want to die. I could feel them in their ocean of darkness and my soul automatically sends out love and prayer to them in such a deep, deep way that I can't normally do. My tears would run down my cheek and the pain would churn up in my stomache but somehow...when I feel this connection, I also feel a light within. It's so strange. It can only happen sometimes. But it's so true. I'm thankful that sometimes even in darkness God gives me a chance to...love.

Religions and God

During this time of faith crisis, I have to separate between God and religions. I don't mix them anymore. God will always be the same and He doesn't reside in only one religion and this thought brings me peace.

I am still considering whether to go back to The Church or to try back up to the main Christian line. I guess I will let God lead me. At least I still find some peace now with Him. I have come to realize and trust that God will continue to love me even when I don't go to church. Something inside me says that I must not try to believe anything that my heart doens't naturally find peace with it. I will stop believing most of the private revelations in the Catholic church for now. It brought me to the criss of my faith. I might continue to go Church but I will not believe whatever my heart doesn't want to. I will not join most special devotions from now on unless I really want to. And I will consider leaving all the rosaries and statues and chaplets...for deep inside I find that it is similar to idolatry somehow. Well, I have not made up my mind yet. Maybe I'll use them as tools if God tells me so. But to tell the truth...I miss the simplicity when God is the Eternal Love that resides in my heart and needs no object to locate Himself...the time when God is not in any statues or rosaries. I miss that simplicity and I long for it.

Jesus will continue to be my only Saviour. Certainly I will never go back to Buddhism, at least not the main line of Buddhism in my country. I've lived with it all through my childhood and teenage years, I didn't get much help from it although the theory and teachings sound very reasonable and real. I don't say that it's bad, though. It's just that I can't profit from it. I need a saviour and Jesus will continue to be the one I rely on for His grace alone can save me.

I love reading NDE accounts that shows God as a great love with no boundary. God that most people experience at their time of  temporary death seem to be very neutral and have no religion preference at all. And they all said His love is truly "unconditinnal." I have problem reading some NDE accounts that seem to promote a specific religion or doctrines of a religion and I choose not to believe them. And I will not believe anyone who told me that GOd the Father is a beared old man with a globe in his hand, either.

My spiritual conditions are very bad these days. I feel weak after I haven't taken communion for 2 weeks. I stopped going to church, going to devotions, going to confessions...just to find out if God still loves me even when I do that. And it turns out that He still loves me indeed. Now, that brings much more peace and I can go back to church on the day that I've planned, if I choose to continue experiment with this religion. If God said that it's good for me, then I'll go. But I will not return as the same person. I will not believe all the things they told me, I will choose to believe only what my heart believes, or until God really did change my mind so.

ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY

Thinking back to some of my childhood's sorrowful moments, I remember myself many times wishes to be away from my house, to live somewhere else and never have to return. I think one of the reasons is that I could not find privacy in my own house. It is so connected to other people's houses and no matter what I talked or did, other people would know because we have no space in between.

The same situation still continues. And that is the reason why leaving the house to stay somewhere else on my own every month at least for 3 nights is like the most precious thing to me. It's claustophobic around here. People just talked about other people's business and some people judged me in depth of my personality even they don't even know me or hardly ever talked to me at all.

Privacy is important to a child, I guess. When it was deprived, she will always keep on seeking for it even when she's already an adult. Maybe that is why I seem to have some kinds of wall between myself and others most of the time. Something inside of me just keeps screaming "let me be alone and let my business be my business!". Years of my letters being opened before it reaches my hand, my phone being listened to on the other side of the line, my private diary being read without permission, those years...I guess....still haunt me.

Last night I felt that someone close to my house tried to listen to what I was doing again. And it felt so horrible...really.

And I can here myself making this wishes into the sky again "One day I'll fly away...one day I'll be be out of here."

For now...I will build more walls. Can't help it. I have to.

Feeling like the "Brazil" today!

My heart went out in sympathy for all the people of Brazil today, particularly the football players and the coach. It must be a shame they have to bear, a feeling that they have let their whole country down gravely.

Coincidentally, today I am also a big loser. I made another terrible mistake, which I had already made twice before in the recent past weeks, making myself look like one of the most irresponsible people. I feel so embarrassed and guilty and then I think of them...the Brazilian football team. They must feel so terrible but the game must go on, and the match for third place still wait for them. They did their best, but they couldn't make it. I did my best and I couldn't make it too.

No matter what, life still goes on. What has been done is done and I can't go back to fix anything in the past. I have to accept the shame, carry the embarrassment, saying to them that I am sorry and that it was my mistake, and I must try again. I must complete the course although it means a lot more suffering waiting ahead.

My heart goes out to you...the Brazilian. Keep going. Keep trying.

A Letter from A Sheep to The Shepherd

Dear Shepherd,

First of all, I'm still grateful that you went all  the way to pick me up when I was lost that day. However, lately I have been doubting your promise that you will always keep me safe from the wolves and you will always feed me. The path that you have led me these past few weeks seem very dry and very scary, and I can't see your hand at all.

So, you may think that I am doing a very stupid thing, but I will do it anyway. I am now going toward the edge of a fence, near where the wolves are. I want to see if you will come and pick me up again. I want to know that your love and your promises are real. So I am not going to move anywhere until you come. I will wait here. And if you won't come, I will go off the fence and let the wolves kill me.

Dear Shepherd, I am doing all of this because I want to hear one you say one more time that you love me. I want to know that if I am lost again will you really find me.  I promise that if you come for me, next time, I will try to have more patience to walk on dry mountains when you lead me. I will try to join the other sheep, too, although I am not used to living in a flock at all. I've been living alone for so long.

So I will wait here...please come to find me, save me, and feed me....and tell me one more time that you love me.

From a silly, spoiled, and stubborn sheep in your flock

P.S. Please tell my teacher that I'm still angry at him.

In the meantime

I struggled to get up today, and rushed to church in the morning.
I decided that I will continue for a while with the faith and everything.
I will continue to do the good and to follow Jesus command, although I have lost
much of the love and trust up  and still don't know how to get them back.

Well, the truth is there was the cross and He went through all the sufferings
so that we could have it easier...at least on that part...I haven't lost.

I don't have many choices, anyway?
Go on with that...or leave and sink down to the abyss.

After some consideration,  I will not back away to the Christian church for now.
So far it doesn't sound like that a solution.
I remember the day that I arrived at a Catholic Church.
The day of my baptism and the addiction from which I was free forever.
The first miracle of the Eucharist.
It seemed clear that God intended for me to be here.

So, I will give it a some more try. Changing back might not be the solution anyway.

At the moment, I can only follow God out of fear, but not much out of  Love and Trust. It seemed to me that God and "The Love" are two separated thing; not the same as it used to be. Something inside me is so hard and bitter and I don't know how what to do with it. Maybe I should ask for more help? Don't want to bother people too much anymore. But I have not really talked to the priest, maybe I'll try tomorrow.

 

Poem: At Dusk

At dusk....

The night is coming in...

So I hold on to a little candle  shining in the night,

To a small little light burning deep within.


No more strength to call out loudly for help.

No more hope to paint myself a beautiful tomorrow.

No more faith to believe that it will be alright.

Just this little light...this little Dream.


An Eternal Love that will never die

An Embrace forever mine.

A Love bigger than the universe

A Love that quenches all my thirst. 


I will hold on...hold on

hold on to this Dream

For it is so beautiful 

For it is so true


I may walk away from another religion

I may one day stop going to church

I may fall so deep into the dark

And see death...right in front of me


Even then...yes..even then

I will die with this Dream..on my last breath.


There was an Eternal Love who spoke to me 

On a cliff looking out to the sea at sunset

He never said that I had to call Him by any names.

He never said that I had to see Him in any forms.

He never asked me to be anything at all. 

On that day...my Dream was born

I remember the cliff....I remember the Love

And I shall continue to remember my Love that way. 

And there in my heart...this Dream...shall stay.

 

Still in the desert

They are here again. And most of the time I don't know how to not listening to these evil whispering in my ears.

I failed to go to the mass that I most wanted to go on Tuesday.
I am angry at the company I'm working with.
I am angry so easily with the people around me, even for the slightest thing.
I am angry...at myself.

I can't sing hymn wholeheartedly like before.
Not to mention having no concentration at the church.

I can't pray without feeling the doubt in my heart.
Especially when I pray for myself.

It's easier to pray for others.
It seems that God prefers such prayers better.
But at least if He doesn't really care to help me,
if I pray for others who suffer and He help them, it would be good anyway.

I tried so hard to keep the love of God inside of me.
Otherwise, the frightening Evil of Pride would surface and make me hate God.
It would try to make me become a demon again. I'm so afraid of it.

I found that I'd run out of depression medicine. Still, I don't have time to see the doctor.

Oh well, no need to mention anything else negative....

I better try to survive with the positive.

Three people from the church called me today, including the priest and my godmother.
I could feel their love and concern. I'm thankful. Yes...that's something I can be thankful for today.

I still go to church daily. Late, but at least I got there. The priest at the church also gave me a clearer understanding of a Bible verse that the Devil used it to confuse me and makes me feel bitter against God.

My mom brought many good food and fruit home today.

And... I remember that deepest longing in my heart for "The Love"
It is a longing so deep, but I believe if God is really God of Love,
He would hear, He would understand, and He would give it to me one day.
"The Love" that only God can understand what I mean.
"The Love" that my soul is longing for. 

The desire is so deep and so true... keep holding it in my heart makes me feel hope,
and a little light inside.
I will keep on desiring it, keep on imagining that one day I will have it.

Maybe it will help. I don't know. I will try.

Surviving: Day 2

It's Sunday. I went to morning church. The devil still blocked me from meeting the priest whom I trust the most. I couldn't get up early enough. And when I was there, I realized that I had left my mobile phone at home, so I couldn't call him.

But at least I went to church. I did another confession, this time I really try harder to repent and I confessed that I was angry with God as well. During the mass, there was one mement that suddenly my heart leapt up and called out to God, asking Him to help me become myself, become the person I used to be, the one who always loves and trusts Him, the one who can pray "Our Father Who are in Heaven" wholeheartedly. It was as though that person is still hidden inside me, begging to come out. Then I  felt the light shining into my heart, and tears filled my eyes.

Now, I remember another thing that Mother Superior said yesterday
Me: Mother, God has changed! He's not the same anymore!
MS: No, God is the same. He always is. It is you who has changed.

In conclusion, the Devil of pride backed away from me. It hasn't really bothered me today. But another one came instead. I felt something unexplainable but disgusting inside my body this afternoon. I tried to give it to Jesus. I don't know how it got in, but I guess I have to be more careful about the media that I consume.

Today, my teacher said that we have to be careful to recognize the moment when the deception begins, because if we don't know that we have taken in something evil, then it will grow inside of us and it would be harder to get rid of. He also said that I have to make sure that I don't have any false belief in my head or it will destroy me again.

This is just the end of an episode. I know that when hard times come again, I might fall again. It is just a break. And I am scared, really. I think there are some unhealthy seeds left in my head. Some unanswered questions. I better get the answered before they come to haunt me again next time.

I think the question involves around "Catholic / Protestant" because in my dark moment I really want to return to being a simple Christian. God was so kind to me back then. Almost all prayers were answered back then. Just one calling and God came to save me when I'm in darkness. It was so nice back then. So warm. So loving....

Well, the only answer that I give to myself now is that...maybe that was a kindergarten school and I must leave it or I will not grow. My teacher said the more you try to get closer to God, the harder the Devil will try to get you. No one can grow without pain, hardship, and sufferings.

But...some people grow in Protestant Christian Church, right? Do they learn a different lesson from me? Are we in a different school? Or maybe it doesn't matter where I am, life is gonna be hard after a while anyway?

Step 1 finishes in 2 days. Result: get back the faith and return to God (for now)

The passage that spoke to me last night

Moses said to the people:
"Remember how for forty years now the LORD, your God,
has directed all your journeying in the desert,
so as to test you by affliction
and find out whether or not it was your intention
to keep his commandments.
He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger,
and then fed you with manna,
a food unknown to you and your fathers,
in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live,
but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the LORD.

"Do not forget the LORD, your God,
who brought you out of the land of Egypt,
that place of slavery;
who guided you through the vast and terrible desert
with its saraph serpents and scorpions,
its parched and waterless ground;
who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock
and fed you in the desert with manna,
a food unknown to your fathers."

Maybe it is the answer. I have to ponder deeper on it. 

Day 2 (beginning)

I had to remove some posts of, afraid I have spoken something so bad against God while I was under the influence of the Devil.

Waking up now...early in the morning....without a reason...and I should be thankful.

Last night was bad. I mean...me. Lazy again. Didn't work as much as being lazy.

When I first opened my eyes today, I had a feeling that I might have to clear up my conscience better.

Had a feeling I wasn't being given a real Eucharist and my sin hasn't been forgiven last night (well, that's good. I should have prepared better, I didn't deserve it. Shouldn't have gone in there when a part of the heart was still...hard. Had a feeling something is wrong.

A mortal sin? Maybe somewhere along the way, maybe I have one right now. I don't know  what or where or when I did it, which is very depressive.

Hope I find it out soon. Otherwise I won't be able to confess.

Maybe the problem is pride and arrogance. Maybe the poison is still in my blood.
If it is that so...big problem. That's the hardest part.

Well, have a feeling that another battle shall begin soon. It wasn't over. 

Now I am feeling depressed again...

Surviving: Day 1 (conclusion)

My teacher told me this afternoon that I had to escape from the Devil's influence and get back to God. "The branch must stick to the wine, otherwise it will continue to dry and will finally die" and the more I am feeling hurt, angry, doubtful, the further I'll be from God. I have to call out and ask for God's help and I must surrender my will back to God because I have let the Devil take control of me. He said I couldn't even hear what he tried to tell me at all because my spirit is so blinded by the Devil at this moment.
             Another elderly woman said, "keep praying more and more"
             Mother Superior said, "Go and sit in front of Jesus picture. Talk to Him."

And they all prayed from me....

And after the phonecalls, I felt a bit tired.
I lied down. I didn't have the energy to call out to God.
I just took the rosary into my hand and looked at the cross with Jesus hanging on it.

Then I remembered...
I can't be mad at Jesus.
He had suffered the extreme torment and died the painful death, giving all of himself to God and to us. How ungrateful of me to expect Him to do anything else. Actually, even if Jesus didn't answer prayer at all, His job was done and we shouldn't be asking for more.

Then I remembered...
that I was angry at God...not Jesus.
I missed the Fatherly God who used to pamper me with so many blessings and answered prayers. His help came every time I called out for.
I came to know God before Jesus...on my spiritual journey.
And when I first knew Him, He was very, very kind. What happened to the kind Father?
Where is He now? Why did He turned cruel and cold?

I decided to keep the questions hanging in there, and told Jesus that for now...I will stick with Him. He's a good shephered and He didn't promise me anything unreal...in the Bible He said.."Carry the cross and follow me." and "If you remain in Me and My words remain in You, then you can ask for anything in My name, and I will give it to you." So, He already stated the conditions clearly. I will stick with Him.

I felt tired and fell asleep. Suddenly, something was being lifted out of me. I could felt it so clearly. The sensation that something is being lifted away from me and my body and mind felt lighter and more comfortable. It was just exactly what my teacher said it would happen when the power of the Devil is being lifted away.

I went to church this evening, and the first passage of the day spoke directly to me.

However, I am not totally recovered. The power of the devil still has a place in my heart. I couldn't believe that when I went to confession, the first words that slipped from my mouth is "Father, I have not sinned." I didn't know how could I said that words or what made me said it. I guess I still have some hardness and pride to deal with. I didn't really feel sorry for what I have done at the confession. I need to clear up my conscience better and do it again.

The war is not over. Just one battle ends.

And it wasn't because of me, but because of other people's prayers. 

Holding on, Hanging on

It is not easy not to be able to get up in the morning or sleep well at night. It is even harder when the problems from days to weeks.

It is not easy to go to church without knowing that you would feel so sleepy, so distracted, so depressed...or not. (It happens so often at this time.)

It is not easy to be depressed and try to deal with it without using pills, to fight it with faith, positiveness, and hope (which are running lower and lower).

It is not easy to be the only depressed member of the house and feel yourself so useless when you can't get up to help your mom with the morning chores and you have to listen to her hurtful words the first thing in the morning. 

It is not easy to go to class, gather your strength, and do the best you can for the students although you feel so weak and so down inside.

It is not easy to hang on to faith and belief, especially when you feel that you are not becoming any better person from it, especially when the same suffering keeps returning to your life. 

It is not easy to trust God, when you have had unanswered prayers before.

But...I will hang on. I will hold on. I will remember that my ship has passed through such big waves before on this journey of life.

I didn't die from it.

I will cling to the echo deep down in my soul, the echo that sometimes it is so soft and hard to hear...the echo that says...God is love. He is an Eternal Love. Whatever He allows to happen, it is for my good.

But I must say, I am hanging on with only a few fingers on the cliff, and the abyss down there is deep. My fingers are growing weak.

I will keep on talking to God. I will try to hang on to what my teacher told me.

Always believe  that God will take care of your life...you must believe and let go.  Believe as wholeheartedly as you can and don't be afraid to take risk. Then you will step out of the shadow, step out of the illusions of this world, and realize that in reality all things are good, all things are possible, because God is in everything.

I still have a way to go..so I will continue walking. It is a crooked and rugged road, but at least I still have my legs and my feet.


My faith is weak now. But...I will try not to forget who God is and who I am.

(This picture is taken from someone's Facebook, I don't remember anymore, but thanks anyway for putting it up there. )

Being judged, again!

I know that people misderstanding me is just a part of life and I can never escape it. But it hurts when those people who misunderstand you are those who are very close.

It seems as though someone reads my post "dog and airplane" and thought that I am in love with someone who already belong to another woman. What a terrible idea! I will never do such a thing in my life! The symbols used in that post refer totally to other things, other complicated spiritual stuff that I don't know how to say it plainly. I hate it when someone close to me thought that I can be the kind of woman who goes for not-free men. It felt as though they look down on me.

Another annoying thing, after I hadn't listened to the radio for a long time, I decided to play some music, (mixed in styles but only those with good lyrics) which include rock and some loud songs, and they  came to me ,one by one, asking "you like that kind of music?" as if I just did something weird!! Maybe they have seen me listening to so many hymns and thought that I can never listen to anything else. Or maybe they have seen me complain about music in cafe and TV noises and thought that I will cut off music from my life forever. It is true that I don't usually listen to loud songs, but when you really have to stay up all night and work, it is something that will help a bit. At least I've picked songs that its meaning are not violent, terrible, dirty, or stupid. And to tell the truth....I will not be able to listen to them for a long time because I will get annoyed again. I just try to add a little variety to keep myself awake. Add a little color to keep myself alive throught this new episode of depression. And those songs are picked by myself, I am not forced to listen to them like when I'm outside or when someone just play the radio loudly in the neighborhood. My computer doesn't even have speakers connected to it, for God's sake!! Did the sound annoy them so much?? I just play the music in my own little corner, once in a long, long while that I will do something like this, and now I have to ask those questions as if I just did something that they don't approve!

Another thing...people thought that finally I will go back to full time job after they heard that I got this teaching job. I don't know how to tell them that I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO FULL TIME JOB EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE! It is not because I can't find one that I like. It is because I hate them! Full time job makes me sick time and time again because something inside of me would always feel as if it's being locked and chained in a cage whenever I attempt to do a full-time, a work that force me to go to one same place every morning, be a slave to an organization that can ask me to do every stupid things, including going to boring meetings and parties. On my Facebook, even people who don't usually talk to me click like when I talked about the recent teaching job. Some thought I go back to full-time. It's just part-time, people! All along, so many people have been thinking that my life is terrible because it doesn't have a full time???  The truth is opposite. After I left my last full-time job 4 years ago....I have never been so happy and free as a freelance... and the thought about returning to work full-time never visited me at all.

Strict daily schedules kill me. To tell the truth, this new part-time teaching job has such  a strict schedule, almost semi-fulltime, and it is killing me at the moment. After finish the course, I will not put myself into this kind of work again, it forces me to be at one place at one particular time, and something inside me begins to feel choked and drown again.  I am so depressed right now because of this job!!!! Fron now on, I will teach but the schedule is going to be my choice and is going to be flexible. I'm not gonna kill myself again. Even if I have to live like a poor person, and sometimes have to work handy jobs like washing dishes or sweeping floors...to me...is still better than go back to full-time job in an organization.

Oh well, this is just a depressed person complaining. After I get better from this episode, I probabley won't talk like this. But for now...please forgive me.

"Carrie" VS. "Fireproof": Two Opposite Effects on Unbelievers

There are many movies that portrays Christianity and its teachings. Some did it right and some did it wrong. Let me show you some examples.

(I am not going to present any plot outline or synopsis of these two movies. Anyone can easily check it out easily on the net or maybet they have already watched them.)

Some critics say that "Carrie" is not a film against Christianity because you can clearly see that Carrie's mother obsession in religion is an illness and what she believes in are all wrong. Well, that is true if you are a true believer and your faith is already steady and strong. You will just shake your head while watching this, knowing that the poor woman is absolutely crazy. However, among the viewers of "Carrie," there must be many people who are "non-believers," those who have not yet known Christ. And what kind of image they will have about Christianity and its faith? Think about it. The image that will go to their mind would be like ....devout Christians are those who don't know what pregnancy or woman period is. They are people who don't allow their daughter to wear evening dress and go to prom. They are people who lock their daughter inside a small room, forcing her to pray. Christian people are absolutely crazy and very dangerous indeed! Who is Jesus? Oh, that scary figure on the cross with blood running down, someone who does nothing to help the poor girl who have been abused all her life. The effects of this movie can be devastating on unbelievers. With this kind of image in their mind, they might refuse to ask for God's help even in their time of need.

My mother is a non-Christian, and while watching Carrie recites a scary poem to her class, she asked me..."is that from the Bible?" I mean, for those who don't know what Christ teaches us, it can easily for them to get it all wrong and have terrible image of what Christian faith really is. There are some scenes that Carrie's Mother said crazy things that sound like God's word from the Bible but they are not! Imagine unbelievers watching this without anyone telling them the truth.

Fortunately, I was there with my mom while she was watching this and I explained to her that these are all wrong teachings. Besides, my mother had had an antidose just a few days before she watched "Carrie." She had just watched "Fireproof," a film that presents Christ teaching and Christian living as it suppose to be. And she had a good impression about the effects of Christian teachings on the characters in the story.

Fireproof is a simple and straightforward movie. It depicts an ordinary man who made mistakes, fell down, but then faith made him change his way. God asked him to turn his life around, to leave the wrong way and become a totally new person who is truly capable of love. It shows us about repentance and redemption. It shows us about forgiveness. It shows us about unselfish love and how it can make miracles. It shows us that this is how God wants his people to live their lives. A simple and beautiful film indeed. There is no expensive special effects or super stars, but this film delivers the correct image of Christianity.

I was so relieved that Mom watched this before she watched "Carrie"! She was very impressed about the way that the man had changed and become a caring husband to his wife and he was able to save his marriage. I mean, the story talks about very ordinary situations in life that many people can identify with. She understood by herself while watching that this is what Christianity teaches.

First impression can do a lot of things. Bad first impression can harm deeply and profoundly, I must say. Before I became a Catholic, I've watched films that present Vatican and Catholicism with a lot of evil and crazy things. And I kept those images in my mind. Now...I can see that the truth is not what I have seen or heard. Catholic as a religion might look difficult to understand from the outside, but it tells you the truth and it can change your life in a better way.

Can you believe...sometimes those terrible media and its negative message about Catholicims from long ago can still harm my faith even now, once in a while. It can weaken the faith in difficult times. Media is a powerful tool indeed. That is why the Devil uses it so often these days.

The Dog and The Airplane

There is a Thai idiom "dog look at airplane" which refers to a person from a lower position is hoping to be with someone much high above him or her, or trying to strive for something out of reach. I think it's a good way of picturing it.

A dog can never have any money to buy the ticket.

A dog will never be able to fly up into the air because it doesn't have wings.

No one will ever let a dog into an airplane, the highest that it can be is a cage somewhere in the storing room under the airplane, and that can only happen if a dog's owner is rich enough to pay for its journey.

Well, there might be a few lucky dogs in the world that their owners are millionaires and have a whole plane for himself or herself. That's the only chance a dog can be in airplane.

But mostly, what can a dog do if it's fallen in love with an airplane?
Of course, just watch and howl.

And one day, its neck muscle might gets hurt from looking up too much.
And that is the day the dog begins to learn that what it is hoping for can never come true.
And that it is a stupid thing to do to keep looking like that.
And that their voice will never be heard by the airplane.

Then the dog will turn its head back to the ground, it's true home.
It will accept the simple truth....

"I am a dog"
"That is an airplane"
"Dogs are not born to fly"

It might sound like a silly mean-nothing post, but this is my resting place and I am writing it to relieve some of the pain....

Just Between Me and The Ants

We all made mistakes when we were young, but that is not as important as the willingness to fix it after realizing that we were wrong. I can't call myself a real animal lover, as long as I still have issue with a few species of them. And I guess it's time for a reconciliation.

I remember myself having an enemy when I was in primary school. The enemy was behind my grandmother's house: a colony of red weaver ants. Most of them lived on the trees and  some were scattered on the ground. I don't remember when I started hating them. Maybe I was bitten by a few of them, maybe their faces looked really fierce and unfriendly and they didn't really back away when encountering people, or maybe they stinked, there could be many reasons. Anyway, several times after I came home, I went to that area and just simply stamped my foot upon these red ants, to kill as many of them as possible. When my mother saw what I did, she said "why killing them for no reason? This is not good. It's a sin." But I didn't heed her words, I was at war with these ants and I had to win.

I grew up hating most ants in general, and it seemed (to me at that time) that they hated me too. I would find them everywhere, on my rice plate, in my noodle soup, in my gloss of water, my closet, my towels, here and there..everywhere. They made me want to scream. Although most ants found in my home were the harmless black ones, I still hate them. I remember one particular event. I stared at one single ant inside my closet and poured my hatred upon it. Then I shouted at it "I hate you! I hope you feel it! Tell your friends that I hate all of them! Stop bugging me and my clothes!" That poor ant stood still. I don't know if it was able to feel the wave of hatred coming from me, but it just stood still as if it was confused or something. I didn't kill the ant. But somehow...I never forget that day.

 Some weeks ago I went on a retreat in a Franciscan monastery, a very, very quiet place surrounded with one of the most peaceful gardens I had ever known. The sound of the birds were everywhere, the trees were swaying with the wind, and the air was filled with serenity. I enjoyed seeing so many creatures there, even the snake and the water monitor. During one of my stroll through the garden, I walked across a woodend bridge, going toward the church on the other side. Then I saw them....my old enemy...the red weaver ants. They were walking in a row on the rail of the bridge. I was a bit panic at first, but then I decided to talke a closer look at them, thinking that maybe I can learn to love them a bit more if I just watch them do their daily routine.

Before I continue with the story. Let me tell you that, as an adult, I still dislike ants but I don't hate them anymore.  God told me in my heart that I must learn to love everyone, including the ants. So I tried. I avoided killing them on purpose, trying to brush them away with my hand or napkin, or blowing them away instead. I started telling myself that they just need food to eat and they didn't even know that they were disturbing me. I even felt sympathy toward them sometimes. Nevertheless, there are still some fear and irritation in my feelings toward the ants. But I had never thought that it would become an issue to resolve...until that day.

As I stopped and watched the row of the red ants passing by, I noticed one of the ants suddenly paused right in the middle of its march, turned it head toward my direction as if it was aware of my presence, then it stared at me. It just stared and stared at me continuously as if to say "Are you going to hurt us? Are you the enemy? I will fight you if you try to hurt us." At that moment, guilt flooded into my heart as the memory of the old days came back to me. The days that I enjoyed killing them, so many of them. The day that I stared and poured my hatred on one particular ant and annouced that ants were my enemy. I have been so mean to them, to the ants of the world, particularly to their species. And even today I could not say that I treated most ants very kindly either.

I looked at the red ant and spoke to it in my heart, as if saying a prayer "I promise that I will not do that again. I will not be cruel and hurt you like that again. I will try to be kind with ants from now on. You are not my enemy anymore."

As if acknowledging my thought, the ant turned away and continued with its march.

We cannot pass a lesson without a test.  A few weeks after that event, I was praying in front of Mother Mary's grotto. Suddenly I noticed a red weaver ant standing right on my thigh. I was panic, stood up, and brushed it off quickly, feeling anxious and fearful. In just a few minutes, another red ant was on my thigh. Again, I brushed it off with fear, I could not stand the idea of letting it stay there on my jeans while I was praying. Finally, I prayed to Mother Mary "Oh...please...not the red weaver ants...another species of ants would be fine. I will try to let them be, but not this particular type, please. They scared me."

Mother Mary was so kind. There were no more red ants on my body after that. But a few harmless small black ants came crawling on my prayer book instead. So I did what I promised her, I let them be. Maybe it was the first time that I saw ants crawing on my things and I did not blow them away or brush them off. I tried to just let them be. And it brought such a good feeling afterward!

I know I have not yet fully passed the lesson. And at home, sometimes I still feel very irritated when seeing ants on my plates or bowls of food. But...just a few minutes ago, a few ants were crawling on my computer screen, and I let them be. The amazing thing is...when I decide to let them be...there is a kind of peace coming to my heart and a new thought occuring in my head. "It is really ok. Just let them be." And the feeling of irritation disappeared.

You are not my enemy anymore, little ones.

I want to give up

Different people have different kinds of crosses....some got physical illness, some got family problem, career problem, enemies, accidents, etc.
I rather believe that, beside relationships, my cross include the following:

1. Bad dreams: I can't escape, I can't avoid, if I pray to God to bless my sleep and give me good dreams, then He might give me one, but the rest of the night would be filled with bad dreams just as the same. Good dreams, I mean ones with the Light and the Love in them, hardly find way to my sleep in my older years. My sleep is also my torment, when I have to wake 2-3 times in a day or when I cannot get up at all even late in the morning.

2. Songs in my head: there is a radio that I can hardly turn off in my head. Sometimes I was tortured by all these songs that make me feel really bad or very annoyed. Sometimes they occured out of nowhere. Sometimes they are the music that some people played in their television or radio and I overheard them, then my head would be filled with such music or songs for the rest of the day. It's a torment. Only sometimes I was blessed enough to hear a hymn or a soothing song that have good meaning.

3. Lack of mindfulness and concentration: I can't meditate. I went to meditation courses. I talked to meditation teachers. No use. During day time or during mass or whenever wherever, my thoughts would be somewhere else. It has to think about some thing. It's like a computer that I don't know how to turn off. I have suffered this for years.

My teacher taught me today about how to concentrate during the mass so that I can be with the presence of God.

But what I don't know how to tell him is that...I want to give up. I don't want to try anymore. I've been trying and trying to concentrate...but it seems that my efforts were mostly futile.

The steps he told me to try...I'm thankful for and I'm grateful that he took the time to tell me. But when I listen to these steps, I just can't imagine myself following them rightly. If I can't quiet my mind, which is Step 1, then how can I do the rest? No use to talk to me about trance. That's something far, far away from me like Bangkok to Northpole.

The only hope that I have, really. It's God's grace. I remember there were times...whether in mass or during meditaiton or whatever. God can "give" me concentration. Suddenly it would fall out of nowhere. My body can be exhausted or I might just have a terrible day, but by grace, I would still have concentration. It's a blessing. It's a gift. I can't see it any other way.

So...practice concentration during mass. Well, my teacher, I will keep on trying...but I don't know for how long...it seems that my hope to do anything like that is getting smaller and smaller. I want to give up...because lately the three crosses above feel very heavy to me.   I know they are tiny crosses compared to that of Jesus or some other people. But...I am just a weak one, you see.

A Reflection After Praying the Stations of the Cross

Sometimes after doing the round of stations of the cross, a particular station would stand out and talk to the depth of my heart, bringing me to tears and understanding. I should have recorded them more; they are precious. Here are two messages that I got from the stations of the cross this evening:

"Vernonica wiping His face" this station stood out and talk to me tonight. Jesus'face must have been so bruised, so disfigured, so ugly and dirty. He was there as the lowest type of prisoner, one who was disdained and hated by the crowd. But this one woman, what courage did she have! She dared to stand out and let others know that she cared for Jesus, although He was in the lowest possible position a human being could be at that moment. She was not scared. She did not hide out in the crowd. She risked being hurt by the soldiers when she went to Jesus to wipe his face. This is a gentle and brave act that we should follow.
How many times do we really dare to stand up for God? Do we feel uncomfortable when see a poor and dirty man on the street but doesen't dare to help, fearing that other people will be watching? Do we really dare to tell people from other religions how great and how kind Jesus is? Can we admit to others unbelievers that God has really changed our lives and the fact that becoming Christian is the most important decision we ever made? Do we dare to do anything at all "for God" when that involved being lowly in honor, being small, being unimportant, being unaccepted in other people's eyes?

I admit that I am not as brave as Veronica. I am still a coward. Many times I was a coward. But I will remember the message I receive tonight, and I will remember too, the fact, that Jesus dared to take "the lowest possible position a human being could be" although He is the greatest of us all. Honor, admiration, worldly adoration and acception from other people, He shed them all like clothes, those clothes that He let the soldiers take them away. I mean, God is the greatest, but God let himself fall to the lowest position just to save us and to teach us that....it doesn't matter, my dear. All those things you think important are not matter, Love and Truth will conquer them all.

And the resurrection proved that God was right. All those torment, pain, shame, and death could not last. They passed away like illusion or maya, and there is the new life of Truth waiting for us out there.

Please help me remember always, oh Jesus, how low you let yourself fall so that we can be lifted up. Please help me to care not for fame, honor, reputation of the world. Amen.

A Yearning for Freedom

Dear God,

How I wish to shed my old self and put on the new me
How I wish to break this chain and be joyful and free
How I wish I could really love another person
Instead of being needy, instead of being clingy

Love...does not try to possess or keep someone. 
Love...does not get angry when the other person seems to ignore
Love...just simply want to give, want to share
And in time of sorrow, Love will always be there

 Love neither cling nor demand anything from the beloved. 
Love only desires to see the happy smile of the beloved. 
Love can stay that way, though years and years may pass
It does not wither like passionate feelings that do not last 

My heart is singing this song now ,dear Lord.
A song that floats up to Heaven like a prayer
Please heal me and free my heart, dear Lord.
So that I can really love another person today. 

My heart is longing to fly out there among the stars
Then spread its love everywhere, near and far
My heart is longing to rest in eternal bliss
knowing that nothing can separate Love from it 

Let me become new...I pray
Let me be healed...I pray
Let me shatter my old self into dust
And be nothing but Love today

About Faith and Trust

Tonight, after a long conversation with my teacher late at night with my head a bit dizzy and spinning, at least I've got some thoughts that I want to remember. Maybe one day it will become useful. Actually, the whole bible discussion this evening with another person included was also about this matter: belief, faith, and trust.

It has to come out from deep within you, it can't be done according to theory or dogma. All those people who were healed by Jesus believed in Him. He told them to do something, they did it right away. The Pharisees tried to figure him out by their doctrine (Man of God musn't work on the Sabbath, for example) so they ended up being so blind and could not recognize the Son of God in front of them.

So conclusion number one...faith and belief can't really come from information, knowledge, or tradition. It comes from deep within us, from our spirit.

The more faith one have, the quicker the person can be healed. The army leader believed that his son would be healed just by a word spoken by Jesus,  and it did happen just like that! A woman believed that she would be healed by touching His robe, and she was healed right away! Jesus told the lame man to get up and walk, and he did it, and he was able to walk right at that moment. Actually, Jesus can heal without even having to touch the sick person. With a lot of faith, healing can happen instantly.

Well, I just think it's true for all prayers and petitions. How much do we dare to trust God? If we ask Him for rain tomorrow, will we take an umbrella with us? If we say we believe, then the wind and wave should not discourage us like it did to Peter.

Conclusion number two is...trust means the bird that sings before the dawn. It knows that the dawn is near although it has not seen any sunlight. Without a drop of faith, no miracles can happen.


And...we should trust God like a little child trusting his or her Dad, like two lovers trusting each other so much that they become united as one. If we trust God completely, we will have no fear and the illusion of the world will disappear, and we will see the truth and the glory of God.

As my teacher was speaking about this, I saw a picture in my mind, of a dad waiting for his child to jump down from a tree or go down a slider. The dad says, "come down here, don't worry, I will catch you." I remember such faint memory from the past. It really takes a lot of trust to jump and fall into someone's arms. But it felt very good after I went down the slider and my parent's arms were there to catch me. It wasn't so scary after all and I was ready to go another round.

Then I think of St. Faustina. There is this conversation that she had with Jesus and it really touched me. Jesus told her to jump down and surrender her whole self into His ocean of mercy. Somehow that moment seemed to determine everything. That decision to jump and let go of everything  that she had, everything that defined her.

Then I think of myself. A whole mess of work overdued and past deadlines, but God still command me to do this and that or go here and there for Him. He didn't even allow me to postpone my retreat period. I was worried about my work and I didn't understand why God seem to press everything on me all at once at such a busy time. But then tonight my teacher said, "you have to put what you just learned into practice."

And he was right....

I should trust that if God told me to stop working for a couple of days, He wouldn't ruin my work life. Everything will fall into place. I really should "trust."

breaking yourself and sharing to others

A message that I received times and times again during Lent was that I should learn to love others, serve others, and work together peacefully with other human beings to bring Heaven on earth.

The moment that I saw Filipino people inside St.Joseph church in Hong Kong holding hand together during the "Our Father who are in Heaven" prayer, I felt an urge inside of me and some deep feeling spring from within that this is the most beautiful thing and this is what God want all of us, the people on earth, to do. We have to be one. We have to unite our hopes and dreams and prayers. I felt a call to step outside myself to really do it. But I know it is going to be hard because I have been living inside a hard shell.

Again, the message was sent after I went to the 2-day spiritual retreat in Bangkok right after my Hong Kong Trip. During personal reflection prayer with the Bible, God spoke to me about His great kindness as a Father, from the parable of the prodigal son, and about the message of Hope and how we should conduct ourselves with others from the chapter of the resurrection of Christ. (But I couldn't hear his voice at all during the comtemplation on the passage about His suffering.) The priest told us that since Christ break himself and give pieces of himself to all of us. We should do the same. We should allow ourselves (ego) to be broken so tha we can share a part of us with others. After resurrection, Jesus granted peace to his disciples, he taught, he gave them bread and fish, and he gave consolation. We should also follow his example.

Another message came after I arrived home and found a DVD of award-winning Hong Kong movie called "A Simple Life." The life of the old servant was such a wonderful example of how one's whole life is lived in love and services of others. This lady didn't want anything much for herself. She just loved and gave and gave all through her life, although the film didn't give us any flashback on what she did. But the way the others treated her in return was a proof that her life had been spent in a totally unselfish way. I really respect her spirit. I wish that I could be humble, modest, gentle, and kind just like that. Meekness is a sign of a great soul. And the world is such an ironic place, because great souls are usually found in the smallest and the least significant positions in the society. All my academics success and any talent or ability that I have is nothing compare to such an ability to break oneself and give it away to God by serving others endlessly.

Traveling with God to Hong Kong

Before my 3 days 2 nights Hong Kong trip, I prayed to God to that He would accompany me all through it. Praise be to Him, that was exactly what He did.

Since the first day, I learned that I should recognize His sign about where to go and not to go. If I was stubborn to go on my way, follow my own plan, I would most likely end up in disappointing places (like Victoria Peak, spending 3 hours for the queue + the traveling up just to discover that there was a big mall and expensive café on it! And the view up there was not that grand or impressive at night. The zoological and botanical garden wasn’t that impressive, either. It was fine but it has nothing unique, just a park with some plants and animals just like other parks that I had visited in other countries). That first day’s mistake was a great lesson for the other two days. I learned that when God wanted me to go somewhere for sightseeing, He would provide ways and conveniences. Everything would flow so smoothly with all the necessary help. Things would be so easy to find. But if He didn’t want me to go, I would be circling around but couldn’t find my way, and the help from asking other people would be useless. On day 2 and 3, I learned to recognize the signs (but not without mistakes) and I felt so blessed.  There were times when He wanted me to stop all the sightseeing and went straight back to my room and pray. And when I obeyed, I was really blessed.
Going to church was a different lesson. I went to mass everyday when I was there. I couldn’t use the right signs-wrong signs technique, because going to church was something I already know that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes obstacles would be placed on my way toward mass. I would be sweating, having leg aches, and getting so exhausted finding my way there. But when I arrived, I was really blessed too. And I learned that the little suffering that came my way was His gift, so that I could suffer with Him a bit during Lent. I could offer up all of my physical pain to Him.  I went to St. Joseph church twice on this trip, and both times I was blessed with His presence. I went to St. Francis of Assisi church twice, too. And I was blessed because Mother Mary would wake me up in the morning with her song just in time to prepare myself and I would be given the enjoyment of the morning stroll in such a very peaceful area, watching Hong Kong people having their morning routine. 

Since I was traveling during Lent, I had to keep my promise not to eat or drink more than the regular meals, no snacks or favorite drink. But Hong Kong was a great place of temptation of this sort. Markets and food places are abound and you could spend hours walking around one area, seeing this and that or wanting to taste this or drink that. I admitted I slipped a bit, but most of the time I tried my best most of the time to drink and eat just enough to go on with my day, and not to order too much in restaurants. I learned that God didn’t allow me to look for any famous food places or eateries I saw in the guidebook. I had to eat at the place His spirit led me and I would be blessed. I know this may sound really crazy and some people would say it’s all in my mind, but deep inside I knew that I did the right thing when I obeyed and I was blessed with many good food at inexpensive prices.  

Another thing I learned was that the most precious thing could be so near. I don’t have to go a far distance for it. The most interesting sightseeing on this trip was the Mei Ho House heritage museum at my youth hostel. I felt so touched and impressed by the fighting spirit of some Hong Kong people in the past who suffered from the Great Fire and had to rebuild their lives all over again. It was just right inside the next building, ten steps from the hostel door. And it was free!
I also learned that when God allowed or granted me something as a blessing, although it may sound like an unreasonable request, He would show great kindness by allowing me to have them all so easily and I would have enough time for everything else that I have to do. On the last day, just before going to the airport, God was so kind to give me everything that I asked for and I still made it to the airport in time. 

And at night, my sleep sometimes would contain His message. And when I asked Him through the Bible, I was able to understand what He told me. God was really there on my trip and I had nothing to say but forever grateful to Him. The good experience that I had wasn’t at all my doing, but it was His kindness to grant my wish. And I believe that it was by the prayed of the Carmel nuns and some other people who prayed for me about this trip. 

Now…I have to confess. There was darkness on the trip. It had nothing to do with me walking around Hong Kong by myself. It was the great pain and disappointment that I felt when the person who told me that he would accompany me on my flight to and back from Hong King turned out to bring a friend whom I don’t even know and left me waiting at the airport for a long time without showing up. It was the hardest for me on the way back. I just couldn’t find the reason why he did that to me. If I didn’t want to have his company on the airport and on the flight, I wouldn’t have decided to travel this month. I would have chosen another month and kept these 3 days to my regular writing trip in Thailand. He was the one asking me if I wanted to join him during the flight and I was stupid enough to believe that he meant it.

Oh well, actually it was the spiritual wound inside my heart that hurt me. I shouldn’t blame another person. Each one of us has a dark matter or an unhealed / unresolved issue hidden within, and this is mine. To tell the truth, I was preparing my mind to be so nice to the person no matter what happened or even if he didn’t show up, but at the end I couldn’t do it. The pain was too much to bear. The old wound inside was open and kept on bleeding tears and blood and I had to pray all the time during my flight back just to keep myself together. I ended up pouring all my anger on the phone to my best friend. This big stumble destroyed the blessings inside of me that received while I was in Hong Kong. Thanks god, it was cleared away after I did the confession on Sunday, but I must say that it is still an unresolved issue. Only God can help me. Even today I still have to pray that God would protect me from bitterness when I see this person again. I really want to love him with a heart open and free like the sky, but I really can’t when something is not yet healed in my spirit.