Better than Hell

Not so long ago, I went through the time of excruciating pain, misery that tears me  apart from the inside. It hurts my heart, my soul, and even my body. It dried the life out of me. It makes me keep praying for death and thinking that if death doesn't come very soon, I might have to kill myself.

Nobody can really explain the experience of pain. It is like you are locked in that tormenting room alone. It's like you are grasping for breath and feel like you're about to die, but nobody else knows it and nobody else feels it. You are crying inside your soul, crying tears of blood. But no one sees it.

So death was very much on my thoughts for a period of time. I seriously prayed for it.

But then, I heard these people telling about what they had experience ....these people had been dead by suicide but then got a chance to return to their life on earth. One girl was abused and she was very depressed. She took a lot of pills to kill herself, But after she's been dead, she found that if she chose to die this way, she would have to walk inside a fog with all the depressive thoughts that tormenting her for a very long time. Death is not a way to end such misery. It will be prolonged, just in another dimension. Another girl shot herself, she went straight to Hell. She talked about this extreme misery, a feeling of being burned alive, a feeling of  spiritual"dead" in her soul, no other pain in the world can be compared to such kind of extreme agony.

And both...were saved by our Lord. They were both given another chance to decide again. The second girl was also given the chance to experience Heaven, which is a total opposite to Hell. A place where there is only love and life and extreme happiness, pure happiness, absolutely no sorrow or pain of any sort.

And so I come to think. Well, life on earth can be a bit like Hell sometimes, but it is nothing compared to the real Hell itself. And there is nothing that will ever want more than meeting the Lord in Heaven and stay there forever. I will not risk any chance of falling into Hell and miss the chance for Heaven.

So I decide that I will stand through the pain on the earth. Sometimes it's a bit like Hell, but it's mild.
Just a mild version of Hell. Better to suffer here than in that realm of complete darkness.

And when the time comes, eternal bliss will be there waiting for me.

After I made that decision, peace overflowed me and tears filled my eyes. It must be the right decision.

Spiritual Foods (Are you hungry?)

Last Sunday I've received some wisdom from going to a sharing group. It was spoken by a priest.

People are hungry and thirsty in spirits. This is the cause of many problems in the world today. We are hungry and empty inside. We try to fill ourselves with many things,
wealth, fame, power, knowledge, relationship etc. We all use different ways to "fulfill" our lives and that "empty" space in the soul. But the sad thing is, nothing can truly make us full.


As I was writing this post, I am experiencing one of this spiritual hunger. I feel jealousy and envy. And that means I feel that there is something missing in me and in my life, I want to have what others have in order to feel full and satisfied, and my mind is thinking that if I have something similar to what these people on the nearby table are having, I will feel happier in my life.Well, the truth is...I guess...once I have what they have, I will still somehow feel hungry again.

But here are real spiritual food. Once you eat them, you will be filled and will not have to struggle so hard in lives in trying to fill that emptiness.

I tried it. It works. At least, on the day that I ate most of these spiritual foods, I felt calmness and peace inside. I live my life easier and happier, because I don't have to be busy with my own needs or unhappiness.

So here...the spirtual foods. Try them.

1. Being kind to others/ loving others/ doing good things for others

2. Reading spiritual books /reading the Bible / reading God's word

3. Pray / Spend time connecting to God (There are many ways to do it. There are many kinds of prayers. Find one that fits you.)

4. Receive the Communion (Jesus said, I am the Bread of Life, those who come to me shall never hungry or thristy again.) 

These four foods can help nourish the spirit and at least fulfilled most of the hunger and thirst inside me. But I believe one thing, I really do believe, that we human can never be truly "filled" until we are one with the Lord.

But from now until that day, I'll eat both physical and spiritual food so that my time on earth will be bearable and fruitful.

Five ways to connect to "the Vine"

John 15:5 
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Since my teacher is sitting here with me while I'm writing this  blog, it would be good to publish some of his teachings. (actually it's not 'his' teachings because he said it is what God directly teaches him. It is knowledge from God, not his own)  My teacher often reminds me of the above verse as a way to survive in this world. He said that we need spiritual nourishment from God all the time, otherwise we will live like the dead. In all circumstances, if we connect to the "Vine", troubles will be gone and we will be all right. Jesus came to die on the cross so that we may have "life", but we also need to keep connecting to Him. Things will flow more smoothly. Our heart will have more peace. We will not lose our way. 

However, if we make no effort to connect to the Vine, we will drift further and further away and will wither and die spiritually. The world will have power over us and we become slave to the world. 

My teacher said there are five ways to connect to "the Vine." 
1. Love
2. Faith
3. Obedience
4. Suffering
5. The Eucharist

Love-Jesus told us to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10:27) Love connects two beings into one. If we truly love God with all our heart and soul, we are one with Him. God resides in each human being, so if we love others, we also love "the essence of God" inside each person. As soon as we "love", the branch will immediately connect to the Vine, we will connect to God and recieve nourishment from Him right away. My teacher said that we can meditate on our love for God, whenever we feel that we love God, hold on to that love and express it more and more from your heart ("holding and expressing the love that you are"[from Love Without End by Glenda Green]), when a single emotion is expressed, our spirit will focus and concentrate on it. Finally your spirit will enter a trance and become one with God. The branch will completely connect to the Vine. Well, for basic level, praising God and expressing our gratitude to Him is also the way that we connect to the Vine and receive spiritual nourishment right away.

Faith- When we trust someone completely, we trust that person even more than we trust ourselves. God asks us to trust Him completely, to let go and let Him work His own way in us and in our life. When we trust God, we connect to Him. When we trust God, God lives in us and we lives in Him. When we trust God, we will be like Him. God can do anything, if we trust Him, we can do anything as well. My teacher said "Trust" is like "Love" in that it makes two beings connected into One. We can be one with God, when we trust in Him. It is a way that our branch will connect to the Vine. As soon as we decide to trust and believe comepletely in the Lord, tremendous joy would flow into our heart. We do not have to see before we believe, we just have to trust although we do not see it.  1 Peter 1:8-9 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Miracles happen in such way. Miracles happen when we believe, when we trust...that is when our branch connect to the Vine, and we recieve "anything and everything" from Him. Luke 17:6 If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. / Hebrew 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 


Obedience- This means keep the commandments of the Lord. Jesus said "Follow Me" and that is what we have to do. Follow Jesus. Be good. Don't give our life to sins. Matthew 5:48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. The Vine is holy, the Vine is clean, the Vine is white. If the branches are sinful, dirty, and dark, we can't connect to Him. Actually, that's the reason that Adam and Eve died from eternal life. They sinned. But Jesus has already provided the way that we can have life again. We accepted his salvation, and after that we keep His commandments. That's what Jesus said we should do. Obey Him and live according to His Words. John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. Be Good. Stay away from evil. Being holy may sound too difficult a thing to do, but we have to keep our life on one straight path in order to receive this spiritual nourishment. God will stay "in" us if we keep his temple holy. John 14:23 Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.


Suffering- This may sound crazy but my teacher said it is for real. When we are in great pain, and we accept it with peaceful mind, our spirit will concentrate on the pain and enter a trance. The pain will no longer be painful because we share in the suffering of Christ. The pain will instead become an ecstasy. (Well, but I think this is for the high-level: the saints or those who are nearly saints) Carrying the cross is our duty. Jesus said "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24) Accepting suffering is a way that we purify the soul, and when our soul is pure, the branch will connect back to the Vine. But the important thing is that we must accept everything with total surrender, without bitterness or anger, then the peace of the Lord will overflow us. The bible told us that we cannot avoid suffering if we are to live in Christ.
2 Timothy 3:12 Indeed, all who desire to live Godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Suffering,-Of-Believers#sthash.lugPRDwb.dpuf

2 Timothy 3:12

2 Timothy 3:12

The Eucharist - John 6: 53-57  Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.  For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink.  Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. This is the simplest and easiest way to connect to the Vine. The above quote should already speak for itself. Jesus has provided "Himself" so that we can have spiritual nourishment from God, that we can connect back to our Source of Life. Receiving the body of Christ in the form of Eucharist with faith and respect will nourish our spirit. If we refuse to receive Christ, then we will "wither" and "die" because we cannot escape from sin and the results of it. Roman 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. As Catholic, it is best for us to get rid of our sin (death) first, then recieve Christ (life). That's why we usually go to confession before we receive the Communion.

Resurrected

Finally, I'm back from the dark. The heavy storm was over and the sun is shining at the moment. Don't know when it will rain again.

I want to record some of those darkest moment, and the thing that happened before God took me out of the tunnel.

I was hurt and I was thinking that it was so unfair and the fault was not mine.
Then I told God and He said "It's your fault."
I was so confused. The storm was going heavier. It was so dark.
I was hurt again. And God still said, "It's your fault. He did what I told him."

In the dark, all I could do is just pray and asked for God's mercy.
I really didn't understand what I did wrong.
The storm keeps growing stronger. I cried, I shouted, and I asked God
The pain was overwhelming. I felt like walking stone, no life was left in me.
But still, I kept talking to the Father.
"Please....I really don't understand. What was the thing I did that was so wrong?"


And finally, on Divine Mercy Sunday, I went to a confession
and confessed something I haven't confessed before.

Then I opened the Bible
Then I could "hear"
Then I could "see"
I understood then that it truly was my fault.
When God speaks to your heart, it was so crystal clear.
I was sorry, I repented.
I thanked God for illuminating me.
I pleaded for a second chance.
I pleaded and pleaded.
And God was so kind. God was truly a God of mercy.

On that day I lost so many tears
but my heart was full of light at last.

But Grace stayed in my heart only for a short while.
Then the last period of darkness came.
Grace was taken away from my heart.
And I was left in the dark again.
All the roads to walk seem too long.
All the things God asked of me seem too difficult.
And the promise, the hope, the second chance
was still not in sight.
I kept talking to God again and again.
I looked out the window of the building
contemplating suicide.
I thought of my parents
and called my cousin to ask about the medicine that could help

And finally God said...
Just wait....wait.....wait...

Then an idea dropped onto my head,
and I accepted it.
The craziest idea...I never thought I would have.
But God confirmed to me that it was good.
Then peace came, flowing in, and I could function at last.

I was given the choice between staying in the religion or walk away.
I was given the choice between never seeing this person again forever
or go back, be  brave to admit my fault, and be meek to love and obey.
"He is my prophet." God said. "You must listen to him for the wisdom."

So I choose stay, stay and be meek.
I choose stay...stay and bend down like willow in the wind.

Then...when it's over.
The sun shines so  bright as if there has never been a storm.
Some people think I made crazy decision.
But the peace that I'm having now in these two weeks confirm me.

It is the Lord's will.
I heard the Spirit said that I should change my way and be a better person.
And I obeyed.

Looking back to all of that...it was like...oh my God!
What a storm!
But You were there all along.
And now you gave me a new life.
I hear you now that you want me to continue on this road of faith.
And I will keep on trying, dear God.
As long as you keep holding my hand and leading me.

I lose my faith (but God wasn't mad)

I lose my faith. Period.

No need to do or say anything.

Just die when I have to. Kill when I have to.

At least I'm not the only dark souls in Hell.

Hope you all make it better than me on this planet.

....................................................................................................................................

I expected that God would gravely punish me for being hateful, bitter, and ungrateful after all the help he had given me.

But I found a passage and God in that passage spoke to me kindly like the God that I used to know many, many years ago when I came to believe in Him. 

And when I asked questions, He still answered.

So...I don't know. I'll live..maybe.

I'll keep on believing that Eternal Love does exist.

The Love that continues to love even when we are at our worst self.

The Escape

If life is a roller coaster, then I wondered if I have reached the most darkest cave and the steepest slope (or even sharp drop). It has been so torturing that although I would like to smile and enjoy, but my stomach can't take it. The only thing that I can do is keep reminding myself that each roller coaster ride has an ending. Sooner or later, we'll reach the station where we can take off the seat belts, step out of the machine...and (oh I love the word) go home.

In my life I've been through a lot of prisons. School, workplace, home (when I was young), depression, addiction, and now my prisons are my physical body, misery & dark memories, codependency and ...religion.

Everytime when I'm in prison and I couldn't leave. I escape temporarily by this beautiful thing that helps me everytime. "Dream and Imagination" I fly off from this world into another world. And now I'm about to escape again...

There is a beautiful place. The sky is so blue. The sun is never too hot. And the whole land is full of pure beauty. Far at the horizon...there right there...the Eternal Love is waiting to hold me forever and we will never part again. I floated closer and closer...knowing that once I reach this everloving arms, He will hold me and will never let me go. All my dark memories will be erased, all the fear will be gone. I would no longer be locked by a name or a personality. I would be free from all prisons. 

Lately, an idea reoccurred to me that I'm going to die soon. I don't have to kill myself. And I can't help feeling some peace. Death is scary but what lies behind it can be sweet.

And I will continue to dream...continue to pray. One day, it will come true. The land of freedom and the Everlasting Love who knows me and love me for who I am. I will fly there with my imagination...until the day that this body is broken.

Maybe soon...maybe very soon.

For Those of You Who Have Not Believed

It's hard for me to imagine anyone not being touched in some ways after watching this.
If you dont' have much time, you can just watch a few cases.

I found this video by accident. It shows the people from all walks of life  (including a formal Muslim who were raised in an army to kill those outside of his religion.) who have gone through amazing experience, and now want to tell the world that:

Jesus is real and he can really save us. We will never ever be sorry if we believe in Jesus. It is the best decision we could do in this life. This world is not what it seems to be. Heaven is real. Hell is real. Miracles of healing are real. They are not fantasy. The spiritual realm is actually surrounding us. Our life on earth has a purpose. 

As a Christian, (although I'm during a period of weak faith and going through storms of life)  I want to be one of the millions and millions of people in this world who just simply want to say: Jesus is real and He is there just for us. Nothing can be compared to His love.

Enjoy the video. If you're not yet a believer, give yourself a chance to watch it, even just a bit. It is not about converting people to a religion, it is about this person "Jesus" the Son of God, and the way He showed himself to ordinary people like us around the world today and changed their lives forever. 

Click here to watch: The collection of amazing spiritual experience

Just A Ride: A Simple But Effective View

Sometimes the most unexpected song that we listen to can bring an illumination, a solution, an answer.

Today I went through the old lists of my favorite songs. I remember that a long time ago, an easy-listening song called "Just a Ride" by Jem brought some inspiration to me. I listened again today. Oh God! It's more than just inspiration. It was like a liberation.

I forgot...I used to view this world, view this life of mine, as a fantastic journey, a book to read, an experience to discover. I used to live without much expectations of myself and others. Each day of life is beautiful. Each day of life has brought something to me. Each experience...new lessons. And this song said it just so correctly, life is just like hopping on to a ride. We can't help screaming when it comes to each steep slope. But the ride needs to go on, we have to be on it until it finishes. Why not enjoy? In the end, it's just a ride, an experience, in the beginning we hopped on the ride because we wanted to have the experience. Screaming is part of the fun if we really let ourselves accept it. Don't get upset with the bumps, don't get upset with the unsmoothness, or the slope...that's what "the ride" is all about anyway. We are here for it. Don't let the experience make us

"break down."

I thought about the man that I wrote about in the last two posts, the one that I love, the one who hurts me. Then I changed my view, what if I include him as part of the ride? He is there for me to learn and experience. I can just simply learn about him, see what things he'll do what kind of true personality he has, what else will he do to me next, see it as an experience of the ride. This way will erase much expectation and erase much pain from my heart. It will be easier to forgive too.

Don't know how long this positive outlook will stay with me, but as long as it stays, I'll try to "enjoy the ride." Below is the lyrics, and below the lyrics is the link to the song.

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride   

Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

Click here to see the music video "Just a Ride" by Jem

Forgiveness and Reasons and Questions

These are the reasons I told myself last saturday night...the reasons that helped me forgive him.

- Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me. He prabably did it out of good intention (he said he's been trying to "change" me" which is very shocking to hear, I thought he likes me for who I am.) He didn't know about the deep damange that his actions caused to my spiritual self. When someone did something unknowingly, he can't see the results of his own action. And that is very forgivable.

- I myself might have caused him pain and misery so much, and I didn't even know and didn't even have a bit of intention. How can I know how another person feel, I'm not living inside him. Maybe there were things that I  have done that caused such a grave damage to his life as well? Maybe he didn't say it? Maybe God should be mad at me too?

- In the beginning, I was planning to love him, and didn't expect him to love me. In the beginning, I was just being happy when I see him happy, and I was sad when I see him sad. I didn't expect anything at all, and it is the right thing to do as a Christ follower. I should keep focusing on that.

- I carry an ill fate on love all through my life. I shouldn't blame the person. Just my own fate, my own karma. I should be thinking that I'm paying my debts, that I'm receiving punishment in Hell. 

- Jesus was betrayed. Jesus was looked down upon as if He is the worst sinner. Jesus said "Carry your cross and follow Me." Jesus humbled himself down like a servant and washed the feet of his disciples, and said "Love one another as I have loved you." So if I forgive and endure the cruelty of this person, maybe I'm doing just the right thing that Jesus ask me to do?

But there are also reasons that I should not go back to trust him again. Right?

- In the beginning, I didn't have any expectations about him. I just simply expressed my feeling to him. I didn't promise him anything either.  But then right away, he started to provide with me with all the expectations, promised me that I will be happy the rest of my life with him, that he will never ever treat me unkindly, that he will never ever be angry at me even if I'm angry at him, that I can rest and relax and trust, that I am one of the luckiest woman in the world to have found him because he is kind and caring to a woman's feeling. Then, he started to make me believe that I can really expect that of him. He was being sweet, kind, and caring. He pampered me with his drug of sweetness.
One day I said "Please don't do anything for me if that is not yourself and you can't do it in a long run. Please don't change. Just do the things that you can do for a long term, don't just try to please me in the beginning." And he said, "Of course, I can do what I'm doing now for the long term. No problem."

He didn't know. I guess he didn't know at all that's what I asked of him that day really mattered to me. What hurt me most in a relationship is when the other person is untrue to his promise and started love me less and less. My heart has been terribly broken before just because of that reason by another person in my life. But this man stamped his feet down on my old wound, making it break open and bleed.

The way that he treated me was changing a state inside my spiritual self.  I used to have a condition of being strong and independent. I didn't expect marriage or anything like that, just someone that I love to walk with me on my spiritual path. But the way he treated me in the beginning was as if he wanted me to be his wife. Then the condition inside me really did change, I got addicted to him. I planned my whole life with him. I became weak, so very weak, that I couldn't believe I could be that weak.

During the good time, he mentioned over and over about marriage. He was clever not to mention it in a straight-forward way, but just simply say things that will keep me believing that he really meant for me to be in his life. Then he let me know that he hasn't signed the divorce paper. And when I said why not, could you just sign it for me so that I don't have to feel like walking with someone else's husband? Then his rage bursted on me.

After that, he turned cruel and mean. Just when he knows that I'm too weak to runaway.
He did the opposite of all that he promised me in the beginning.  Exactly the opposite.
He could smile at me one day, then slapped me with a cruel act on the next day, then came back to pad my back, and then kicked me again with coldness on another day. He threaten to leave whenever he felt displeased by whatever I said or do, because he knew I can't bare to be without him now. I'm his property, his slave. Sometimes it felt as if he enjoyed seeing me miserable. He threaten me not to tell anyone at the church about our relationship. He threaten to walk away from me if I ever let my friends know about our problems. He forces me to keep the secret.

I used to have very high respect for him as my teacher, as a godly person.
My respect and my trust all disapppeared. And he wondered why lately I can't seem to listen to his teaching anymore. My heart is unable to learn anything when the teacher is the monster of cruelty. He was kind to everyone around him, except me. He cares even for a taxi driver, but he didn't care for the person sitting next to him on the seat, the person he said that he will take care for the rest of his life. My trust disappeared....it's gone now.

But I decided to pay my debts in this world, to take the punishments that God wants me to take, just as much as I can.

So today, what I am doing is....

If he wants to leave me, I'll let him go. If he wants me to stay, I'll stay.
If he wants something, I give him. If he wants someone to listen, I listen.
If he wants to go somewhere with me, I go. If he doesn't want to talk, I won't talk.
I will be supportive in his hard time, I will try to be nice with my words.
If he is cruel to me again, I will bear it as much as I can bear.
If he repeatedly abuses me over and over again, his cruetly will heal my addiction that I have on him, and one day I will be able to free myself from the cruel man.
One day, I will be able to be independent and free once again.
One day, all the debts will be paid, I hope.

But one thing...I have to protect my heart. One thing that he won't have from me again is my heart. The love and trust of this woman. This is something I won't be able to give him no more. I've had enough bruises.

Love and trust of a woman is something a man should won by his consistent acts of kindness. I was one foolish woman...to give it to a man before time has proved the truth about him.

Is there any other solutions I can use? Is there any better way? So far, I found none.

Forgiveness? Yes, I"m trying.

I regret writing a negative post (the latest one). It was just a transient dark moment in my thought. Actually, I shouldn't be remembering the hurt in the past. And after all, they are the family and I love my family. My mother must have some reasons that she likes my sister more than me. No matter what, mother has done for me all her life more than I could return anyway. And if pleasing her favorite child is what she enjoys doing, then I will let her do it. My sister has been more kind and more calm after she grows up anyway. She is still hot-tempered and some words can be harsh, but she doesn't have a burst of anger as often as in the past. And in recent years she has been generous to everyone in the family and to me as well.

And actually, it was my fault that the water bottles are not filled. I was the person who drank the last bottle. It's truly my fault.

Today, at the sharing group, the people at the church were talking about forgiveness.
They said:

- Forgiveness free yourself, not the other person. You'll be free to be happy again once you can forgive.
- Forgiveness can happen by the help of the Holy Spirit, as well as love and kindness from other people.
- Please forgive us our sin as we forgive those who sin against us  Forgiveness is a requirement. God forgives even the worst of our sin,over and over again. We have to forgive everyone as well.

Actually, the person that I still need to forgive now is not anyone in my family.
He is the man who has just hurt me over and over again, a man whom I used to trust and love so much, but then he turned into such a cruel person and hurt me. I felt deceived. I felt betrayed. A part of my soul is wounded deeply. I went down into one of the worst depression that I've ever had. He has destroyed me more than he even knows.

And he didn't even seem to feel guilty about it. He counted himself as being righteous. After he stabbed the knife at my heart, he showed up the next day, acting as if nothing has happened. And this happened over and over again.


I put all my strength into trying to forgive him on the Holy Saturday mass. I made it. I found some reasons to forgive him and I found some love in my heart that remains.

I don't want to revenge anymore. I want him happy. I'm sad when he goes through bad time. I'm glad for him when he's happy and succucssful. I still want good things to happen to his life.  

But something else...something else in my heart cannot be removed. And I don't know if I really have forgiven him, or if I still hold a grudge.

I can't trust him anymore...not even a bit. And I don't want to. I see this man as a person who hides a knife behind his smile and his sweet words are poisonous candies.
(The last time I said this to him directly, he said sorry, and I forgave him wholeheartedly and trusted him again, but the next day he did it again. It was a double betrayal. My new-born trust was destroyed completely. Worse, a few days later he said sorry again, and right the next day, he hurt me so cruelly and looked down on me like I'm a dirty piece of something. ) 

I'm afraid of him now, like he is a monster from a dark world that comes directly just to torment me in this life. In the past few years, no one has hurt me more than he did. And the wound that he created in my being causes so much damage to me that I don't know how to explain. I'm afraid of this person. I can't escape him. I still have to be there because he has given me also an addictive drug, and I can't run away. But I fear the man, I don't love him. I fear him. Everytime he made me smile, like tonight he did, but in my mind I was so scared. I told myself, after that smile, after some sweet words, he will turn cruel again, and I mustn't let myself trust. I mustn't trust. I mustn't fall in love with this man. Never ever again.

Is that mean I still can't forgive? I really don't know.

But I fear him. And I have no trust in him.

And these two things cannot be removed from my heart.

The Root of Jealousy

When I came to think about it, when my first jealousy occurred. It was at home. In my childhood. Do you think that inequality in the way we are treated by our parents can make us jealous?  I think so.  And I still feel that sting of inequality and unfairness even today.

Imagine two children in the house, one child get scolded for even tiny mistakes,
while the other child can scream and stamp her feet to get whatever she wants and father and mother don't even dare to scold or punish her for her behavior.

One child grow up, trying to be as well-behaved as she can. Only dropping to a stationary shop on her way from school makes her mother mad. While the other child, she can go to party and associate with friends who use drugs and cigarettes, her mother doesn't say anything.

When one child raises her voice even tiny bit, she will get harsh words and extreme coldness from her mother. When the other child scream all the hurtful words on one of the family members, no one would dare to say anything...well at most...just a soft, very very soft whisper (which has no effects) "calm down, my dear."

My sister screamed and shouted at my father times and times and times again, as if he is someone way below her, and mom never be able to stop her.

My sister threw all the hurtful words right down at me so many, many times in my life, she practically abused me with her words, and mom wouldn't even help me or stand up for me.

Mom is the one in the family that my sister cares the most, but mom has never been able to stop her. No one can. She's the queen of the house.

And tonight, she is so very displeased that no one in the house has filled the bottles with water. And my mom gets irritated and upset at my father and me for not doing it. Why she never asked her beloved daughter to do it, I don't know. She seems to be all worried and anxious that her beloved daughter is displeased.

I know this is not loving thought. I should forgive. I should accept just my own mistakes and don't look at the mistakes of others.
I will try, dear God, just as I have done over and over again. I promise I will try.

But tonight, let me just states that....I remember the root of my jealousy.

Want to Go Home

There is a land so beautiful, where there is no hurt or pain, where there is no dark memory, where the arms of Everlasting Love will hold me forever and ever, the love that will erase every traits of fear and bitterness away from my heart.

I miss home. I want to go back. I can't rememember now what is like but I can only imagine. I remember one of my "out of body experiences" those many years ago, the voice of God told me "Do not worry. You come from a beautiful place and you will go back to that place." The voice was so full of love and peace. When I heard this voice spoken there was no doubt at all in my heart. It was the truth. For sure it is the truth, my heart recognized instantly.

If life on Earth is a journey, I'm tried already. I want to go back home. There is nothing more to see. Nothing much to enjoy or hope for.

If life on Earth is a school, I wonder how many lessons I have left. How many knives are out there waiting to stab my heart and soul. I don't want to graduate with a perfect doctorate degree, I just simply  want to pass some required subjects and then leave. This school becomes more and more of a prison to me.

If life on Earth is a form of Hell...(yeah, I really mean it, some people would understand, some people wouldn't) I hope that the debts that are left to be paid is a small amount. I hope and pray that Jesus would take most of them. (I sound so selfish, isn't it, dear Jesus)

But one thing for sure...this place...the Earth...has hope. And that hope is in Lord Jesus Christ. Life on earth can be so dark, but the Lord is the light, the hope. When it gets too painful, He will come and carry you. There is no words that can express the gratitude. He helped us pay the debts.

Anyway, I miss home, dear God. I'm sorry that I'm not like one of your perfect saints. But please accept my thankful heart.

Love As Our Essence

In one of my recent posts, I asked the question "what should I do if there is no love inside us to share with others?" And it seemed to me at that time, that God sent them through other people's kindness and friendliness. Love can be sent and received. One can pour and share their love into the heart of others. When one person is loved, then that person will have love to share with others as well. It can be sent around, circulated like blood flowing.  But since last night, I also realize that love is always deep within us. It has never left. It's just buried within.

Even in my dry and depressed state of mind, when I heard on the phone that my beloved is going through dark despair, suddenly my love sprang up from within, although there was much hurt from the past and much troubles in our relationship. It seems to mean nothing. All that I want to do is just love him and do anything to make him feel better.

Then memories came to my mind, that even in my depressive state, when I saw a ragged person on the street, having no home, no new clothes to wear, or not even shoes, I still pray for them anyway. Although my heart is bitter with God, after seeing someone in such painful state, I can't help praying anyway.

So, love is never really gone or dry up. It is buried deep within. It takes something to push it out. That's a good discovery. And it seems to match totally to what my beloved used to teach me and to what the book "Love Without End" (Glenda Green) is talking about.

I'm glad I learn this. I will try to remember.

Messages some people share with me

I forgot to post down a couple of good messages some Godly people share with me. Although lately I've been very weak, both physical and emotional, that I don't know whether they would be much help to my spirit, I believe these messages are true.

1. The Path of The Lord is a beautiful rose surrounded with thorn. You need to go through the thorn before you can get to the rose. 

2. When pain and suffering overwhem you, cast yourself down before the feet of Jesus in total surrender, then Peace beyond this world will overflow you. 

3. When in pain and suffering, be thankful and let go. Trust that God knows what is best for us. Trust that God is full of love and He will never give anything bad to His children. He will give only the best things to His children.  We may not see or understand, but God knows and understands all things, and He loves much more than we can ever imagine. Just "TRUST" Him. 

Number 1 and number 3 is clealy supported by the Bible.

- Jesus himself said that "Carry your own cross and follow me." He never said that we can walk with Him without any burden, He just said that His "yoke and burden" that we will have to carry is rather easy and light. (Matthew 16:24; Matthew 11:30)

- God said that His Way and His Knowledge is beyond our way and our knowledge. Jesus also said that if human father knows how to give good things to his children, how much more that our Father in Heaven would give to His children. If He cares and feed each of the sparrow that worth a few pennies, He would care and provide for His children much more than that. His apostle also said that all things work out for good to those who loves the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8; Luke 11:13; Matthew 10:29-31; Roman 8:28)

I have a bit problem with message number 2, though, because in the Bible it says that all we have to do is just pray and send petition to the Lord and not worry, then Peace beyond this world will guard our heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Phillipian 4:6-9) I don't see "cast yourself down before the Lord" part anywhere in the Bible that I can remember.

Well, but any sinners who came to Jesus feet and ask for help never go without  receiving help, so we can bet on that part. We can see that in many many places in the Gospels.

So, these are good things some people shared with me, so I share them here.

But I do have problems when I put them in practice. Will analyze that later.

Thoughts on (blasphemous?) songs I used to sing

Almost twenty years ago, I wasn't yet a believer. I saw a music video "One Of Us" by Joan Osborne and I found it interesting. Well, I absolutely had no clue who God was back then. And the music video seemed to present pictures of imperfect human in their daily life, and the song seemed to claim that maybe God is like us, sad and lonely, we should sympathize and feel sorry for Him just as for the rest of humanity. I even sang that song with my sister sometimes. She likes it.

But now it's not back then. This song scares me. It is like a temptation to make people look that "Are you sure God is good and great?" "Are you sure he's not a slob?" "Do you really want to believe in things like Heaven and the Saints and all the prophets?" 

Well, it scares me because.
1. I found out the truth that God is really good and great. And there is no way He could be a slop. Heaven is for real. (although I still have not yet totally embraced the idea of saints and prophets but I give it more than 90% for because of the examples of what I see in real life.)

2. It's nothing wrong to wonder who God is and what He's like. But why...the author of the song would thought God is a slob and a lonely old man if he or she hasn't yet known Him? Why would one sing this song out in the media so that others would question God too?  I mean...they must have something a little bit...uh...against Him. When I wasn't a believer, my view of God was rather neutral. But the person who wrote this song seem to intrique other people to have negative view on God. The song seems to create an impression of God as weak being, God as pathetic being. Oh well, now that's scary.

Another song I used to like very much is "Hallelujah." originally writen by Leornard Cohen. To tell the truth, I used to like this song very much. Some performance of the song can almsot make you cry. It communicates so much sadness in the heart. However, I just read the whole lyrics last night. I was shocked. I used to think that there must be no harm in this song for it was used in "Shrek" a film for children. But I was wrong. I searched throughly on the internet, some people seemed to agree that it is bad to put this song in that particular scene for Shrek...it associates the word "Hallelujah" with sadness, broken heart, and hopelessness. Not to mention the obscene lyrics. The song is alternating scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah.

But I got more sympathy toward this song more than "One of Us." At least, there is true sadness reflected in it. The author of the song seems to admit that he views life in a depressive way. And in the end...he said that he's "not somebody who has seen the light" and his song is "a cold and broken Hallelujah." Well, heartache can be felt when you listen to this song, and it is understandable. We all went throught such periods and I went to the time when my Hallelujah was cold and broken too. To me...it is coldness toward God...but still it is almost like bitter muffled prayer.

Well, but for me, it is bad idea to put such as song in children's movie. And I just don't understand why they have to use such explicit scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah. I mean...what kind of impression it would create to those who haven't yet believed in God. Will he give himself a chance to try...after listening to this song?

Need to RECEIVE LOVE before GIVE LOVE

A few days ago I asked this question to my teacher, and I sent it up to Heaven too.

How can I love God and love others when there is no love left inside my heart? How can I give love when I have none?

The answer came that very day. At least it is the answer for my life right now. God just simply sent me love. My heart was too gloom to receive it directly from Him, so he sent it through other people.

- I went to a confession. I didn't know the priest inside that booth. But what he said was simply very loving. There was no condemnation, no preachy words, just understanding, sympathy and cares. It was very simple things, what he said, "I understand, it must be hard for you. Just keep trying. Don't make it too hard on yourself. Take care of your health too." simple words said in a very kind tone of voice, that was just exactly what I needed to hear. It was like water pouring into the dry land.

- At a Starbuck Coffee Shop, a chubby lady who was one of the staff took my order with such politeness and sincere smile. When I forgot to take my drink, she served it to me at my table with that sweet and sincere smile again. Yes, that was a tiny thing, but it truly made my day. And I remembered it. My heart absorbed it and remembered it.

And that very day, I felt I have more love to share to others. There is more love inside me now. God gave it to me. So I did one simple thing, I smiled to a stranger and I got a freindly smile back.

Sometimes a person doesn't need any deep reflection or deep philosophical answer at all, all that he or she needs is just love, shown through simple things and simple words.

No doubt why Jesus and the Bible emphasizes "Love" very strongly. It is the most important thing. Wisdom and Hope and Faith, yes they are all important, but "LOVE" is very, very important.

 

The Pain of the Soul

I remember asking someone "what the pain of the soul is like?"

I think I don't have to ask anymore.

It is the one that happened sometimes as a ball or as a stab of knife  or sword
right at where the "heart" (not the physical heart) is. In the middle of your chest
and down to the upper part of the stomach.

It is a bit similar to emotional pain but way too strong.
Sometimes it can't be described, except for saying that
"It bleeds the life out of you."

It can happen instantly, stayed for a while, and then it's gone.

When it gets too strong, it is so unbearable that I wish for nothing but death.
But many times God would lift it off before I actually die.

It is a kind of torment.
It is a sword stabbing in the soul.
It occurs over and over again throughout my life.
It can't be understood by friends or family who haven't experienced it.
But those who have, will understand and sympathize.

This kind of pain can cause inward tears, which is worse than outward tears running down from your eyes. 

That's a note for today.

Still in year 1 during my experiment.

Daily Thought: The Rule of Karma

According to what I was taught in Buddhism and Catholic Church, the rules of karma does exist and you can't escape. You do something good, you reap good things. You do something bad, you reap bad things. You get all the effects of what you did, it's just a matter of when. The natural law of justice in the world can't be escaped.

However, if one believe in Jesus, then there is difference. According to what I was taught, Jesus had already paid for most of your sin, you can take that gift from Him. The severity of what you have to pay for bad karma will be less, the situation will be manageable, there can be hope.

However, different group of Christian seem to believe it in different way. In my earlier years, I read and was taught that Jesus had paid for all your sin. "ALL" not just "partial." And this is something that we should believe in, something that we should hold on to and be hopeful.

However, being a member of the Church and read some materials in it and listen to some people talk on it, Jesus only paid for your "birth sin" the weight of sin on humanity that result from the act of Adam and Eve. Your personal sin are also paid for, but you still have to receive the results of sin or the temporal punishment for all those things you did right here on Earth. Except in special case that you get a "Total Indulgence" when all can be wiped out. The knowledge is new to me. And I'm still observing life, waiting for it to reveal how much I should take this in.

Well, the result so far....sadly. The Big Church is right, I guess. The suffering and misery that I am living in now, how can I blame it on anything else but my own karma? But it is also true that Jesus can lift the weight further if we ask of Him, if we are truly very sorry. The results of the sin can be lessen, because Jesus is there.That's the only hope left in this life, I think.

The rules of karma is what I hate talking about. It sadden me everytime I think about it. I got depressed because of it. How do I know how much of those "debts" I still have left to pay? With numerous past lives behind me. How do I know how much  the Lord will help me pay and how much he will let me pay for it myself?

There is a dream that can never come true in my life. And now I sort of throw away all hopes that it will one day be real. Coz I hate so much to see beauty turned into illusion. Again and again and all over again. Just like it always did. Well, my karma again, I guess. I sort of surrender, lie down like a goat knowing that it will soon be fed to tiger. Just let it pour down all over me. Just let me pay the debts. And all I would focus and wait for is "death." Life contains nothing for me to hope or be happy about.

But I do pray...I still pray. What else do I have left to do? what things can be better to do than to ask for a little mercy that the Lord can give? I remember...there are twice now in my life when the tremendous pain inside my soul, the one that could drive me to suicide, was being lifted all of a sudden by the power of the Lord. He could do anything, anything at all. He could save and help in just one second. My life depends upon His mercy.

A thought that occur to me lately was. Just let "this person" did to me whatever pain he wished to cause. Just let the debts be paid and wait for death. He already turned into the monster right before my eyes on that day, with the cruel things he said. Now I'm living with a person who can turn into a monster one day and an angel the other day. There is no more "the one that I can rely on" no more... no more...no more of that dream. It can never be real in this life. I will just close my eyes, and let the rain pour all over me. Hoping that I won't create anymore debts until the day that the breath is taken from my body. Until the day...that I'm free.

But life today is still bearable...I saw my dog and my neighbor's dog smile at me. I saw a sunset and some beautiful flowers on my way to the market. I saw a man kindly led an old woman to walk. I found some food that is not too expensive for my dog to eat.

And...it was as though...I heard the Lord speak to my heart today....about the sin and the temptations that throw at me like rocks...it was as if I heard...if you withstand, this will turn into a beautiful crown.

But God, I don't want a crown. Really.
I simply want your hug.

I Am Sorry

Yesterday I looked but I was too blind to see.
What worth more and what worth less for me.
I let my pride gets me to break
All the beautful dream that we make.

I'm sorry for being so blind.
I'm sorry for lifting my head too high.
I'm sorry for have not trusted you enough.
And for being too proud to apologize

Now I know it doesn't really matter.
That tiny thing that I made all the fuss about.
Now that I know what truly really matter
It is that you are there to share my life.

You have given me a million dreams come true
I have condemned you for just one penny lost

I hope you find it in your heart
To forgive and forget the past
I hope the damage that I've made
Will be restored and compensated
By the Everlasting Light of Love
Our Lord Jesus Christ

Thank you so much for everything.
And if it's not too hard for you,
Please come back to my life.

Not too tight, not too loose

During this Lent, I am trying not to go too hard on myself. It is not in the act itself that counts, but all the fasting and penances must be done for the right purpose. And...after all...what matters most is the act of Love. If all things are done in love and in obedient toward God, it's better than all acts of ascetism. Well, that's my current belief so far.

I also think about another way...about not going against my own nature and just have courage to be who I really am. Sometimes the heart can be the best guidance, I believe. And maybe I can find more inner peace that way. I think the below writing by James Blanchard Cisneros is inspiring...

 We look upon the world our egos have created and yet sometimes feel like outcasts in a foreign land, like we do not belong. We have built our houses foundation out of the sandy pillars the ego has provided us, and still wonder why we feel insecure and unstable. We have created and look through a false self (ego) that masks the light within, yet do not understand why we can’t see or truly understand what is going on. Yet today let us not despair, for if we can teach ourselves something as difficult, unreal, and unnatural as whom we are not, then we can remind ourselves of something as easy, real, and natural as whom we truly are. Today let us begin aligning with our natural states of peace, joy, and love, by expressing these thoughts and emotions in whatever ways feel most natural to us. It is by practicing each day whom in truth we are, that we will remember how we fit, belong, and truly desire to experience and participate in this world.

Usually, I often be really careful in fasting during Lent, and when I failed, I felt so frustrated that I decided to give up all the efforts of fasting altogether. There was also a recent event that I tried to fast even during my depression and it felt as if I was torturing myself. So...this time it will be different. I will do only what I can and when I can..not to pamper or spoil myself with excessive or too much worldly pleasure. I will do a bit of penance in little ways, whenever I feel strong enough to do so. I will allow myself more physical pleasure if I'm in depressive state of mind, because in that moment I need to get up from the pit of despair and wouldn't mind using what I have to use, be it tea or music or other worldly joy.

However, I will not fall on a trap. There is a modern trend of thought that tries to make you believe that there's no such thing as sins or wrongdoings, the idea that it is good to do whatever you want with your life : spoil yourself, waste your money, be selfish, be drunk, be sexually perverted, etc. I used to have some thinking about this, and suddenly a message came to my heart...if there's no such things as sin...why did Jesus have to suffer and die on the cross? That answer erases all my doubts.

So...as the Buddha said...a harp (or another stringed instrument, I can't remember clearly) can play beautiful music if its strings are not too tight and not too loose. I will try to walk on the middle path...l'll experiment it this way...for now.

The Wave of Prayers Embacing My Soul

After the dark past few days, the light seem to shine again and something seems to lift me up from the pit that I've fallen in. I bet it's prayers...they are from my friends. How grateful I am to have such golden friends in my life, Buddhists and Christians, who have known me since I was young. After they know that my depression is back, they prayed for me in their own way...and oh, how effective their prayers are!

On my way to church today, I didn't hear those horrible voices in my head anymore, but I heard a verse from a beautiful song by R.E.M "Coz everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes" and suddenly it seemed to make sense and I felt the peace.

And then a good thought that came to me a few days ago came to me again. My teacher (also my beloved), he is an example of Christ in many ways. He himself has beared fruits of the Spirit. On this recent Valentine's Day, I noticed that he brought joy and happiness to those around him. He gave and shared, and paid attention to other people around him. He made them feel important, made them feel loved. He has this shining light of love with him wherever he goes and that is like Jesus. And so many, many times, (I mean most of the times because no one is perfect) he was very patient with me. I cried at him, I screamed at him, and said unkind words to him. He could have just deserted me to be alone, just to have more peace to himself. But he forgives so easily and he chooses to be with me. I don't even deserve such kindness!

So...how can what he taught is not real and true? He is already a model, an example, a proof whether he is with the Spirit of God.

It seems wise now to give it a bigger try and choose to believe.

And today, my godmother also taught me about trusting God in hard times, in difficult times, in times when prayers are not answered. And her life has proven it as well. And I also felt her loving care.

So today, I went up to Mama Mary and Jesus. And I said from my free will, then during this 3 years, I will give my 100% to prove whether the Catholic Church is a right path for me or not. I will give my all, my full effort. For now, I will choose to believe everything that I am taught although there are many things that I doubt. I will try to believe with my whole heart and soul during these 3 years. And I prayed that if it is really the right path for me, let me bear fruits of the Spirit too. Let my 3 wishes of self-improvement come true.

No matter what, after 3 years is still my choice. I have a choice, I can choose. And that thought gives me peace.

Dear God, please illuminate my life. Please show me what road you really want me to walk on. Please let these 3 years be a proof to my heart and soul, and let my final decision be according to Your Will. Amen.

Something I found to survive on today

The depression become close to its peak again today. This one involves extreme irritation of sounds, haunting thoughts and negative songs in my head, fatique, sadness, fear, etc. The only good thing is that I am still able to function, but barely...only barely.

In other words...it is a dark day today. Another dark day.

But I searched around and found some interesting thoughts from a website. So I'll just put them here.

The most important thing we can do as Christians is love God and love people. But before we can love anyone, we have to receive God's love. Because you can't give away something you don't have.

It's one thing to understand that God is love and He loves you, but it's another to know and experience His love personally.

 
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear..." (NKJV) 

When you really know the love of God, you don't have to be afraid of making a mistake; you can step out boldly in faith to do whatever He's calling you to do.

Thanks to Joyce Meyer. These statements helped me to remember the way I used to feel God's love. The way I used to feel the freedom in His love. I don't feel them much anymore. If love is counted like money, I am in poverty now. Have very little in store and don't know where to find more. Catholic church teaches me about getting rid of sins, about carrying crosses of pains and agony, about penances and suffering oneself for the sake of Christ and humanity, and about...no matter what you have to be like Job in the Bible.

But all these practices and teachings help very little when someone like me suffers depression and other spsychological problems.It gives me no hope. I can only see darkness ahead and darkness around. And when that happens to me...I have no love to give to others. Isn't "Love" the highest commandment?

But I will still continue just as I have promised myself...until June 2017. I will experiment and see the results with myself whether Catholic faith is really for me. There is still time.

Just Matter of Years

It seems that things gathered and pointed up and pressed and lead me toward "that" end.

But it's just simply not now. I have a reason to stand. I have a reason to live.

But I will have my real choice after some of these years have passed

After "A" happens, then "B" can happen.

I will wait until "A" happens, then maybe I will consider "B"...still a choice.

But right now eventhough "B" can happen too, but I choose not to.

Taking "B" alternative right now can bring more long-term troubles.

So...the matter on the face is...

How can I survive the moments when "B" is not yet a choice

when I still have to wait for "B"

I have to endure....no other alternatives

Anything to survive and function.

Yes, I can take "B" now, it is tempting.

But I heard of people who takes "B" alternative before "A" happens

The result wasn't so good, more troubles ahead I guess.

I'll wait...I'll wait...I'll wait.

Too small to judge

I've been having some bad days, some disappointments. And I've asked why..why...why. Sometimes I don't understand what good can come up of things that God allows to happen to me.

But well, I do receive some answers. So I will share them here.

Last night, my teacher told me that when you're trying to do something good but it goes to waste, that effort you made is already a light within itself. It's not a waste anyway.

Today I found this beautiful quote from the Facebook of a book called "You Have Chosen To Remember" by James Blanchard Cisneros. It seems to bring me peace and seem to be a guideline. When I listen to some messages and feel a bit of heaven in my heart, I tend to believe it anyway.

...Today I acknowledge that I cannot understand the whole of Creation’s plan through the little peephole of the ego’s perceptions. Realizing this lack of full understanding, I am thus relieved and released of judgments that I truly cannot make. Freeing the world from my judgments I thus free myself...

Simply just to get up

Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning.

It is very hard when that reason is....because you 'must'

because you have to live on another day.

It is very hard because when you think of the new day...

You think of pain, mistery, troubles,...no joy is there to look forward to.

I'm on fasting...I can't drink the tea, my favorite drink.

And sometimes it feel stupid doing something like that.

Everyone needs some kind of happiness to survive on.

Even to get a drink of tea can be a reason to wake up.

Now I don't have it anymore.

Maybe it is not good for a depressed person to fast. 

Some people can live with fasting.
Because they have the joy of God.
Because they have another level of happiness to sustain them.
Because they have true peace.

Me...I don't.
Some people said...not yet your time...you'll get there someday.
And I don't even see trace of possiblity.

Some people say if you stop the worldly pleasure,
then your body and soul will be ready for something better.
The is my seventh day, and I don't feel a single bit of that
That higher level of happiness they're talking about.


So...I will give it 3 years with this religion.
If I'm not a better or a happier person by that time, then it's not for me.
I will go back to just simply be a Christian, I'll continue to love God and Jesus.
Following the commandment of Love, only do what stated in the Bible.
But not in the way of the Roman Catholic Church.

And if doing that still won't lift me off this pit of darkness
Then I will try to survive until my parents die.
After that I will take my own life.
That's the plan.

Well, but as long as I'm still in these 3 years.
I will assume that this is the right path.
I will give it my best shot.
I will try to believe what they said...
that it's not yet my time.
Just hold on.

I will try to belive in what they say about purgatory on earth and all those stuff.
For now.

I am not blaming the path.
I am not blaming the Church.
It seem that some people are very happy being there
Some people are doing those fasting, penance, rosary, etc.
And they are perfectly happy people.

I just suspect that maybe it's not for me...that's all.
And if it's my depressed self speaking,
maybe there is no path that is right for me after all.
I am simply too weak to get my life together. 
Simply too weak to bear sufferings while most people can.
Simply a person not worth living anymore.

Misophonia: Living with the Devil inside your ears

Well, it's hard to have so many sickness inside yourself, and they are invisible in the eyes of others. I might really look like a weird person sometimes for feeling very, very disturbed with some tiny sounds around me but I at least now I found out that I'm not the only one getting this kind of pain. It's called Sound Sensitivity Disorder (Misophonia). Last night it got me terribly that I had to cover my ears. The funny thing is when you have this, you're not disturbed by loud sounds, but you are disturbed by some small sounds around you. That's why in the middle of the night I had to cover my ears or playing loud music to my ears or otherwise go to sleep or work somewhere completely quietly. I shouldn't blame anyone who's making the sound because it's my disorder, not their fault. I've attached some link to share this knowledge. They said that many people have it but they don't realize it. There are many levels as well. On the mildest level, you feel annoyed but don't have to do anything. On the severest level...you go and punch the face of the person who makes that tiny noise. Fortunately, after some study, I found that, on my worst day, I'm on middle level...cover my ears, run away, and feel like screaming or crying...

I wrote the above post in my Facebook just to vent the pain out. The sad thing is that nobody cares. The worst thing is that tonight it seems to get even worse than before. I feel like bursting out my anger, I began to have hateful thought about the person who keeps making the annoying sound, I began to hit the computer with my fists. It's so torturing, very torturing. I don't know how to explain how terrible it feels when I hear those sounds. It's a kind of misery you can't explain to anyone. 

Then, the best part that I could possibly have, I decided to consecrate all my sufferings to God...to help anyone in need. There is a bunch of suffering to give indeed. Hope it will be useful for someone. The suffering felt bearable for a while, then the anger started to form up inside me again. I started to deliberately sigh out loud. Fortunately, the coughing person moved away from that window and cough less.

The anger is from the devil, it tries to make me hate the innocent person who did nothing but just coughing. He's already in pain with his health problem. I think I will try everyway to change my anger into tears when this happens again. Well, but I guess the next time I might really have to change my work station at night. It sounds like a must to me now. I don't think I will have the strength to consecrate my sufferings to God every night, tonight I am already at the extreme. 

Alright, at least I get to vent it out. I'm using this blog again because lately on the other new blog, it was so difficult to access each page. I can no longer post any link or any picture either. Something is wrong with that site. I won't use it anymore. I'll come back here. There's a lot of space to write and play.

Good night. And if you wonder what I'm talking about, check out the below link.


Info about Misophonia

My sympathy to Japan

I express my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of the two Japanese journalists. There is nothing much to say because words won't bring anyone back from death.

I heard that that one was a really good person...

But I'm not going to stir any hatred here. Don't want more war in this world, but I guess, if it will happen, then I can't stop it anyway.

Some thoughts on Charlie Hepdo case

Just sharing a bit of thoughts. Personally, I don't believe it is the right thing make fun of any religions. Of course, terrorism is absolutely wrong and no one deserve to be killed just by drawing dark humor cartoons. But, it is not right that you use "freedom of expression" to give yourself any right to make fun of anyone. If "freedom of expression" is interpreted as saying absolutely anything, whether kind or unkind, right or not right, truth or lie, then the whole world will be a mess and we won't be able to stop the bullying in any school.

I am sad to hear about the killing of the cartoonists. But I wouldn't call it good or great to make an exhibition showing off those cartoons that make fun of the Islam. I am not a Muslim, but I don't like anyone making fun of any religions. It's true...I won't be able to stop them, and if some people do this to my religion, I would feel sad, but of course, I wouldn't try to attack or kill them. We are taught to endure and not to slap back.

But the ISIS are surely not the gentle loving Christians, and their reaction....well, you see.
Actually, in Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and other religions....the essence of the teaching always include peace and love. But now there are those who interpret it in a different way, how sad!
It's bad to make fun of any religions, and it is particularly not wise at all to make fun of a violent political group with their own troops. What's the point of saying...hey hey we're not afraid of ya, we're gonna keep making fun of you and your religion! And then bang! bang! bang! some of the people are dead. What's good coming out of it?

Don't get me wrong. I AM NOT SAYING that we should give in to terrorism. We should be against it at all cost. I just simply say that it is wrong to make fun of one's religion or the founder of a religion.

I really do pray for the world now...for it seems that the number of international conflicts keep rising high. I don't want to see World War III.