Beautiful Children of God

I met my friends today. They come to Cha-am to help out and celebrate a wedding of another friend which will be arranged tomorrow.

One thing that I won't forget about today is the feeling of peace and happiness to be around them. They are so beautiful in their own way, each one contains a little light that is unique to herself. As time has gone by and we all have grown older, we seem to have discovered our own pathway that leads to more happiness in life, one that is not just superficial and temporary pleasure. I really enjoy being surrounded by my friends. It reminds me of the truth that we are all ordinary people, making mistakes and doing stupid along the way, yet we are all special and beautiful children of God. Hope, love, and light will always exist somewhere within us.

I'm so glad that today the little room that I rent has the honour to welcome and serve my friends. I won't forget the warm feeling of seeing two of them asleep like babies on my bed, and one working deligently on my desk, yet still care to share the profound experience she had in her life with me.

Tomorrow, I won't go to the wedding with them because I choose to go to a retreat to reflect on a matter that is important to me. I'm excited that I'm about to have a real quiet time with God. But no matter what, I'm glad that today I was with my friends. It reminds me of another truth that I remember about life: solitude is good for the soul, but sharing love with others is also good for the soul too. That is why God has given us two commandments, love Him and love our fellow human beings.

Happy New Year  to you all :)

First results of the experiment

Hypothesis: "Being Love" is what I should focus on and it will take care of everything.

Tools: me and my life

Methods: 1.Try "being love" in different kinds of situation.
               2. Notice the results.

Results

There are two important points in the result.
- First point, when I can "be love" or "taking love point of view" toward my life or situations, the result is always wonderful. Fear lessened, pain lessened, even objects seem to love me back, situation suddenly flow smootly, peace of mind, etc.
- Second point, there are things that prevent me from "being love", so far these obstacles are:

• When I kept doing the same mistakes over and over, although I try to love take the love point of view, the pain and the hopelessness was strong and stop me from trying to "be loving" toward my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  My heart began to sink and get absorbed into the feeling of guilt and despair, things started to go down and collapse like dominoes.
• If I don't think of God, then it is hard for me to be loving. I have to remember Him at all time. Need to pray without ceasing.
•  When I was hit with a sudden trial and totally forgot the idea about "being love," then anger get the best of me

Conclusion
So far, I can conclude that "being love" works very well with everything,  but the problem is...I need to learn to be love toward hard stuff like my own mistakes, despair, nightmare, anxiety, and other negative things. I really have to forgive myself and learn to let go and start over. I will try to surrender to God's will more totally.

There will be more experiments in the future.

Deep Peace To You, Merry Christmas

When I was sixtenn years old and was an exchange student in America, I was a member of Mt. Ararat highschool Chamber Choir. I wasn't a Christian at that moment and didn't have any love or any knowledge about God, but I remember singing many beautiful songs about God with the choir. "Gaelic Blessing" was a song that I love so much and I felt very peaceful while singing it. The song has so much more meaning to me now for I have fallen in love with God and understand how precious is the 'Peace of Christ." The word "Christ" and "Light" reach highest notes; they sparkle and shine so beautifully at the end of the song.    I don't know how to explain, but it truly represents how Christ is the supreme, the brightest light that is far above all good things of the earth.

Please read through the beautiful lyrics below and savour the peace with your imagination. There is also a link at the bottom to listen to the song sung by a choir. It reminds me so much of the happiness that I had while singing this song with the choir in my exchange-student year and I want to share this happiness with you. Merry Christmas in advance!

Deep peace of the running wave to you

Deep peace of the flowing air to you

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you

Deep peace of the shining stars to you

Deep peace of the gentle night to you

Moon and stars pour their healing light on you

Deep Peace of Christ

The Light of the World

To you

Deep peace of Christ to you

 Click here to listen to "Gaelic Blessing"

Inspiration from Padre Pio

I went to a short meditation course this past weekend, but what was more precious to me than my meditation practice (which didn't seem to progress anywhere as usual) was an inspiration I received from the film about the life of Padre Pio. I'd heard about him for a long time but didn't feel anything that relate to me. But after that night, learning about his life, I was so deeply touched that I totally changed a big decision in my life. I cannot write about that decision down here, for it is between me and God. But I can write down other things that I collected into my heart from this film.

- There are truly great souls in the world, those who truly having Christ living in them. These great souls suffer so much for us because they share the pain of Christ crucifixion and they have to face with the Devil himself and all its attacks. Their responsibility is far bigger than most of us. Padre Pio is such a true beauty, true light. Even as a film, the light of his soul could be perceived and I realized how small, how tiny, how childish I am. I felt so ashamed for ever having any grand thoughts about myself or my life. I am truly nothing. And somehow...in that moment of realizing that truth...I feel so free, truly free. It is so right for me to be a small little soul in the hand of the Great God. Any big thoughts, any big dreams, are all illusions and false self. At that moment, when I felt myself growing so small, it was as if I found the right place where I belong.

- I believed there are great souls like this living with us even today. One of them is already in my life and I felt so sorry that I didn't even realize it or didn't trust what my heart told me from the beginning, although I have had his light shining down upon me many times.

- I want to  be on of Padre Pio's daughters in spirit, I hope he doesn't mind ^_^

A question in the middle of the night

There is a thought come up to me while I was half asleep, making me worried about the latest post that I wrote today, and before that I got some passages from the Bible that seem to point toward warning about wrong teachings.

But there are no confirmation after that, though.

I don't know if the message that occurred to me in the middle of the night was from the Devil or from God. So I decided to save the post as draft before I am certain that what I wrote will not harm anyone or does not contain any wrong ideas or beliefs.I will re-publish when I am certain. But I will permanently delete it if it's truly a wrong path and mistake on my understanding.

Dear God, please help me see the truth.

.....................................................................................................................................

 Below is written on the morning after....

One of my own shortcomings that seem to affect my life so much is my undecisiveness. A lot of time it is better just to "choose" instead of going nowhere because of uncertainty, but I didn't do that. I often wave back and forth, and back and forth, and I can't be at peace, can't be still.  So I will not do that anymore. I will trust and jump.

As for my last post "A New Path", I will bring it back, but will also add to it that I'm going to make more experiment. If the path is real and true, then I will discover that with the peace in my heart.

A New Path

This post is written out of my own understanding and the things that happened to me. I am still doing more experiment on the path...to find out how much it works. So the information below the dotted line is not  a complete certainty from me. Sorry, I forgot to ask God for the permission before I wrote it down, now I learn my lesson. But He encourages me to experiment the path, though. It's just that I shouldn't be sharing it on the blog so quickly.
......................................................................................................................................

        I have to thank many people who gave me of words of wisdom and inspirations which helped me remember a situation that happened during the big flood in Bangkok last year. In that time, someone gave me a book. That book led me to experiment something....a new path...a new way to look at all things. All that I have to focus on is being "Love" (not doing, but "being"). I tried that experiment and everything fell into the right place. I was able to help my parents on the morning when the flood came so close to our house. Everything flew so smoothly and I had not fear nor worry inside me. Amazing things happen just because I focus on "being love." The Holy Spirit seems to be with me when I turn myself toward that direction.

Afterward, I was thinking about discussing this book with others but then I had some doubts. I started to think that the book doesn't belong to the traditional church and it might not be so reliable. I kept postponing the decision to talk about it for like a year. Until one day, I asked Jesus "Is it really you talking in this book? I really need to know. Please let me know." Then the situation seemed to point me toward someone, so I let him read part of the book. And he told me that there was no doubt that it is the words of God. And a week later, he also helped me focus on something that seem to point me toward this direction. In the same week, the Word of God that I received from the priest also point toward the same thing. Suddenly, I understand now that God had answered my prayer. It is truly Jesus speaking in this book. I should no longer doubt it, and the new path I discovered during the flood is something I should continue on walking.

It is not an easy path, just like every other paths toward the Light, but I feel like I'm in love with it already. I know that I'll be making thousands of mistakes and will fail and fail over, but I'll try anyway. The path seems to free me from the complexity of rules, laws, and the trap of fear. It connects me to the whole world, not just one particular religion. There is true freedom hidden in "the truth" spoken in this book and I'm so glad that Jesus has given this path to us. I don't have to hate or fear or judge anything, but just accept it and love it  and it will not harm me. "Being love" seems to automatically stop a person from sinning away because all sins are unloving, to others or to oneself. I don't have to focus too much on the sin, just focus on the love. In this book, Jesus says that Love Commands All Things, be it people, animal, living things, inanimated objects, natural disaster, etc. And I tried that during the flood last year, it was so true! Even a copy machine or a metal cap of a balm responds to love.

Different paths are for different people. I remember a word of wisdom that my godmother and another wise person at the church told me: you can't walk on the path of another, you have to find your own, God has created people to be different organs of one big body. We will be cooperating but we can't play the roles that are not made for us.

Here is the book I'm talking about...written many years ago...full of Jesus' teachings for the New World.

หัวใจเรายิ้มได้เอง

ในวันที่ 5 ธันวาคมที่ผ่านมา ฉันได้มีโอกาสรอรับเสด็จฯตอนก่อนที่ในหลวงของเราเลี้ยวรถกลับเข้าสู่โรงพยาบาลศิริราช และในวันที่ 7 ธันวาคมก็ได้มีโอกาสอีกครั้งตอนที่ท่านนั่งรถออกจากโรงพยาบาลเพื่อที่จะเสด็จไปที่วัดอนงคารามและบ้านจำลองของสมเด็จย่า สิ่งหนึ่งที่ฉันจดจำได้คือ วินาทีที่ได้เห็นท่านนั่งอยู่ในรถฉันยิ้มออกมาได้เองโดยที่ไม่รู้ว่าทำไม และหัวใจก็รู้สึกอบอุ่นมีความสุข โดยที่ไม่รู้ว่าเพราะอะไรเหมือนกัน ฉันยกมือขึ้นโบกและกระโดดตัวลอย ราวกับว่ากำลังทักทายกับบุคคลที่ฉันรู้จักดีและเคารพรักมานาน เชื่อว่าหลายๆคนก็คงรู้สึกเช่นนี้ไม่แตกต่างกัน

ฉันเชื่อว่าถ้าบุคคลผู้หนึ่งมีจิตวิญญาณที่สูงส่งงดงาม ทำแต่คุณงามความดีมาตลอดชีวิต ในตัวของบุคคลผู้นั้นจะมีแสงสว่างหรือรัศมีที่เปล่งประกายออกมาจนใครๆก็สัมผัสได้ ความรักที่ในหลวงทรงมีให้กับประชาชนคนไทยตลอดระยะเวลาอันยาวนานหลายปีนั้น เป็นเหมือนสายใยเล็กๆที่มองไม่เห็น เชื่อมโยงระหว่างหัวใจของพระองค์และหัวใจของเรา แม้ว่าจะไม่เคยได้พบปะพูดคุยกัน แต่ก็เหมือนกับว่ารู้จักกันมานาน ในหลวงของเราคือหัวใจของแผ่นดิน ส่งความรักหล่อเลี้ยงกับหัวใจของเราคนไทยตลอดมาและในบางครั้ง การที่ได้มองภาพของพระองค์บนปฏิทิน หรือเห็นพระองค์ในจอโทรทัศน์ ก็มากพอที่จะทำให้เราตั้งใจจะพยายามเป็นคนดีต่อไป  เพราะหัวใจของเรารับรู้ได้ว่ามีความดีงามอยู่บนโลกนี้จริงๆ พระมหากษัตริย์ที่มีหัวใจที่แสนประเสริฐยืนอยู่บนแผ่นดินของเราจริงๆ พระองค์เหน็ดเหนื่อยและต้องพบเจอกับอุปสรรคมากมายมาตลอดชีวิต แต่พระองค์ก็ยังคงทำแต่สิ่งดีงามเช่นนี้เสมอตลอดมา เพราะฉะนั้นเราก็ไม่ควรย่อท้อที่จะพยายามทำสิ่งดีๆตลอดไปเช่นกัน

อยากให้แสงสว่างยิ่งใหญ่ดวงนี้ส่องอยู่บนแผ่นดินของเราตลอดไป   ทรงพระเจริญค่ะ

When can I be a giver?

Just a short note to say thank you to all my teachers at the church. It seems that I always take from you but I don't know how to give back. Doing small things for others with love is what God wants me to cultivate in myself but I still fail terribly.  (Sometimes I really feel hopeless about myself on this matter. I don't seem to improve although a year has passed) I know I should be more kind, helpful, paying attention to others, lending a helping hand. But what usually happens is that  I mostly miss the opportunities to do all that and because I'm all stuck with the thoughts inside my head. I wasn't at the present moment.

Anyway, I just simply want to say thank you for all the wisdoms and advice, and the time that you spend with me. I also want to apologize for I still don't know how to return the good things back to you. I don't know when I can be a giver, but in the mean times,  I believe God bless you all tremendously, though.

I wish that you would tell me how I can be of some help. Just let me know and I'll do it. I'm not good at offering help or doing something without being asked to, but I just simply want to do something for you in return, really.

Don't know why I write this note here, either. You probably don't get to see them
But...this is My Resting Place so I just write what makes me feel more at peace. 

Transcendental Peace

Let me write this one down so that can remember what life has taught me lately.

There is a verse from the Bible saying "...and the peace of Christ, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Jesus Christ"

I remember such peace that came through me from various situations and it seems to be a guiding light that can show me whether something is from the Lord. I am a naturally unpeaceful person, always worry, always complain, always rush. But once in a while, God sent me such wonderful peace through my mind and I learn to notice that it is the peace of Christ, not of me, not of this world. It is truly a gift, a helping hand, from God and doesn't occur from my own effort.

There are different kinds of circumstance that I experience such peace:

- Peace of surrendering: in the middle of trouble that I can't avoid, and I just don't know what to do to make it go away, and I cry in bitterness and pain, sometimes God would pity my troubleful heart and just grant me the peace of surrendering, suddenly my heart would realize somehow that I can just let go, and let God, accepting everything that He places on my plate. Such peace came so suddenly after a desperate prayer. A heart that shouts "why this thing has to happen to me! Please make it go away!" suddenly grow mellow and calm and just simply...surrender. I just know that it wasn't me, it was God that touches my heart with a balm of peace.

-Peace from the Word of God: when I reach something and the message speaks so clearly to me about the situation that I'm in or the question that I ask, there is so much peace inside my heart which confirms me right away that it comes from God and if I follow the instruction, I would be doing His will and I don't have to worry about anything. It only happens sometimes, but everytime is so precious. The Word of God that comes through others can have profound effect of peace to the heart as well. Last week, a priest spoke only a few words to me but it echoed all through my heart and lit it up with so much light. The few words totally opened my eyes to see the answers for the questions I've been asking for a long time, all in just a second! My eyes were brimmed with tears for my heart can breathe so much peace and happiness at that moment, all my worries disappear.

-Peace of forgiving: In the middle of a fight or in the middle of a situation that someone is intentionally hurt me with words or actions, God sometimes protects my heart with His peace. When this happens, I still feel the pain, but there is less or no bitterness against the person who hurts me. It is like an invisible Hand was holding my heart and separating another me out of that situation. There are two of me. One who is experiencing the pain and one who is watching it and trying to do the right thing, the best thing. Sometimes I am able to apologize because God grants me such peace. It is all God's grace. I'm not able to do that by myself, really. There was one situation that a person was hurting me badly but I experience only sorrow, but no bitterness or anger toward the person at all, just pure sorrow, deep sorrow. Somehow, God held my heart at that moment and helped me see why this person did such a thing to me, and I had no bitterness against the person at all. This is also a peace of Christ, I didn't know how I could survive that situation without Him. I wish that it would occur more often though, because anger and bitterness is often a part of my emotional problem. If I don't pray, I often get lost in my own negative thoughts and feelings about others.

- Peace of contentment: This is a peace that occurs out of nowhere and there is no explanation. It helps me feel happy about everything and everyone. It helps me to see beauty in an ordinary day. It helps me to see that life is beautiful and people are wonderful. We are all sinners but we are also God's children and I can feel my love for everyone. This kind of peace is such a wonderful, wonderful gift. My heart would feel so light and so content. This peace helps me want nothing and realize that what I am having in front of me is already a blessing. Sadly, it never lasted more than a day or half a day, but no matter what, I would treasure such moments of peace in my heart always. I could never forget such a gift from God.

-Peace of the soul: this is so hard to explain, it happens at night and upon waking up, only a few times in my life. It felt as if there is light living within you. That light relaxes your tense-up body and stressful mind with such wonderful peace that I can't explain. One time it came like a wave of warmth passing from my toe to my head and seeping into my heart. Before I fell asleep that night I was crying so hard, but when such peace came, I no longer felt any pain or sadness. It was as if God stays "inside" my heart, body, and soul. He was "within." Another time, I felt a light within my heart as I was about to wake up, and I felt that the light has been holding me all through the night, protecting me from bad dreams and any evil spirits, and that the light welcomes me to the new morning with love.

All these experiences about peace shows me one very true thing: Jesus Christ is the one I have to rely upon and God is really there to help us when we need Him. We cannot make it without Him.

One drop of darkness can cause big trouble

Just a shortnote to remind myself about what I still have to keep on improving. Years ago, I didn't know how terrible the effect can be when you talk negatively about someone, whether they are someone you know or don't know. I would just enjoy the gossip the conversation with friends and family, or pouring my anger out so that my friends can console me.

Now I learn more and more how such wave of darkness can continue on and create more darkness far and wide and will return also to hit myself. I try to be careful about words and learn that speak too little is better than too much, because when you speak without mindfulness you can sin and sin ad sin.

However, getting rid of a habit is not that easy. I'm trying harder than before but every now and then I still slip some negative words about others, and it would be too late to take it back. No matter how few, the words will form a negativity inside another person's mind and will continue on to cause more darkness somewhere else, and I'm sure that it will return to me in some form. It was just a few words, but still, it's darkness.

I pray that God would help me overcome this. Now I can see how dark this kind of thing can be and I wish that I can escape them. And I wish I can tell those close to me of the terrible darkness that can come out from words...but sadly, some still don't understand and still ask me to join such conversation...and sadly, I still have not mastered the art of avoiding that....trying hard, though.

The problem about "wanting"

I've heard somewhere long ago, to want or desire something is the root of pain, suffering, and our attachment to the Earth. Because we have separated in our mind that there is something that we "want" and something that we "don't want."  When we "want" something but we can't have it, then we begin to feel unhappy.

Yet, one might say that if one wants the right things, life can be good. For example,  wanting to be a good person, wanting to live a life that is harmless to the Earth, wanting to go to Heaven, wanting to reach Nirvana or become a saint, etc. It is true that these kinds of desire can be better than wanting to have all the worldly pleasures and wanting to do all evil ways. However...they are still "wanting" right? And if we strive and then we fail to have what we want, will pain and suffering be the result as well?


If a Buddhist monk wants so much to reach Nirvana, then he won't be able to reach it, until he let go of that desire. This is a story that I heard. I guess this might apply as well to about the desire to attain sainthood in Christianity.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with a thought about this flashed into my mind. It seems that God want me to think about this. I have had a period of time that I got lost into a belief that attaining sainthood should be what I strive forward to and I should not settle for something any lower than that...but then big guilt struck me and I have to go to confession. Who am I to judge? I should just live my life and follow God's will in every single little things in my life (that...in itself...is hard enough) and trust Him that He will lead me to my destiny, and also trust that the place, the plan, and the thing He wants me to become is certainly "the best", for God knows me better than I know myself.

Then...another thought flashes into my mind. You can have a desire...if it is a true calling deep inside your soul. But once you have discovered that desire...just place it softly on the Hand of the Father, then pray and do your best on your path without thinking whether you will have what you desire. Just pray and trust and try. That's all.

Many years ago, I remember myself standing on the top of a hill above the sea and watching the sun setting into the vast blue ocean below. My mind was so much at peace, deep, deep peace. At one moment, I felt a desire so deep within, a desire to be completely free from all kinds of bodies, from all kinds of identities, and become one with all things and at the same time be nothing. I still remember that yearning deep within my soul, and I know that it was a true yearning. I had the desire not because anyone or anything in the world told me that it is good, but the desire seemed to spring from deep within and I could feel that God acknowledged it.

I mustn't let that desire become a "wanting" which will also causes pain and suffering. If the road ahead and everything on it make me feel that I am so farwary from that goal, I shouldn't cry or complain, but trust and trust...that God has already heard my prayer, one that comes from the very core of my being. His way, His path, His plan are perfect and wise beyond human understanding. His timing is perfect as well. And most of all...His love...is unconditional and never wither, the only thing in the universe that you can really trust and rely on.

Hmmm....I should come back and read this once in a while, for In know how silly and weak I can be, and along this road, when I forget this truth, I usually cry like a baby! ^^

Nightmare and Anxiety

There is a problem that I still cannot solve and cannot do anything about it. Nightmare.
When you have to wake up in the middle of the night because you felt like you' ve just met some ghosts or spirits, or have gone through scary situation, or before waking up you had a dream that someone you know hates you so much and want to do anything to hurt you. This problem can be quite a suffering. If you were me, you'll understand how a beautiful morning can be ruined by bad dreams.

If my whole life I've always had dreams that resulted from bad stomach, too much TV series, or stress from the day, then I wouldn't have to worry when I have nightmares. They would be just meaningless, once it's over, it's over. But in my life, I've have had different kinds of dreams, and some of them were meaningful to my life and my situation indeed. So when I have bad dreams, I can't help worrying about its significance. But the problem is, these bad dreams can be just as meaningless and may have been caused by evil spirits  just to scare and stress me out, or it may have resulted from my own troubled subconsciousness as well.

I cannot discern, still don't know how. Last night I prayed that God would bless my sleep and then I had all these nightmares, plus a message in my head saying something like "blessings can come through raindrops and tears" Well, I have no choice but to accept it as His will, and that dream has already affected my morning and a decision in my life.

Still, I don't know about tonight. After laying down my head on the pillow, what awaits me can be Heaven or Hell. I'll just have to accept it. Some people say, "pray or meditate before you sleep, and you won't have bad dreams" Well, that only works a few times, but I've had nights that I prepare my mind so well before I sleep, doing everything they advised,  and then ended up having terrible nightmares. So, it just won't matter at all.

Sometimes when something hurtful repeatedly occur to you, it is likely  that you will get used to the pain and just surrender, for it seems to be out of control anyway. I still thank God for the nightmare this morning, for at least.....I woke up early because of it.

And who knows, the change of my decision about where I should go during the New Year might be the best thing for me.

I feel tired and helpless tonight. No beautiful words or great hopes to share. Just want to live my small life and hope that God won't abandon me til the end.

Let it be

Just a quick thought about something I learned lately:

- I shouldn't let anxiety and stress clound my head with negativity in times of trouble, for that negative wave can be transmitted to others and create unpeaceful atmosphere. I should have just stayed more calm and simply find a way to solve the problem or just let go and let it be. There's no need to make those around me seeing me so stressed out and unhappy, for they might feel unhappy too. I failed this lesson twice, the last one was yesterday. (Of course, I've had it all my life but most of them didn't count as a trial because I did't even realize that it's my problem)

- I learned that I could view troubleful day as colorful day. I should be thankful to God at the end of everyday for each one is very precious, very unique day of my life on Earth. Each day has its own mixture of colors, its own lesson, its own blessings. Even the most terrible days can become blessings later in one's life, I just have to trust the Father and His plan.

Emmanuel

On the road of life
I try to walk toward the light
Try to get rid of darkness
Right here inside of me

On the road of life
The mountains are so high
And my feet are so weak
So farway is the peak

I fell again today
Just like yesterday
And many other days before

I fell and I cry
And I thought why, why, why
why I can't get any better

The night is so dark
So I stopped to rest
And I heard Him speak softly,
"The road ahead is darkness to you
but I see them through and through
Your future is in My hand,
although now you may not understand"

The night is still dark
But a tiny light is within me now
A light of faith and hope
to lift me up when I'm down

And so I sing myself to sleep
with this beautiful song

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
God is with us

Though tears still brim my eyes
Though pain still cut my heart
And weariness does remain
Yet, I sing myself this loving song

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
God is with us 

Sickness and Death

Looking back....to the moment when I stood before my sick uncle who was lying on a hospital bed, I remember the things that occurred in my mind.

- There are a lot to be thankful for in my life. At least I can still breathe, I can still walk, I don't have to feel the pain in my body every hour. All of the things I complain about in my life are trivial, comparing to the condition that my uncle was in.

- Life is so short and full of unexpected things. We can't be careless. We have to make every moment count. But at the same time we have to accept that all the dreams and plans, no matter how beautiful or how close to success they are, can come crashing down at any moment in life.

- Love and kindness matter more than lots and lots of things in life. In the end, everything else falls away and has no meaning. But memory that can soothe a heart is the memory of smiles, laughters, and love that we share with others.

- I better prepare my mind; one day it might be me lying in bed and cannot move nor communicate to anyone. Sickness has a right to visit every human being at any time.

Last night and tonight...I went to my uncle's funeral. His face is now calm, showing no more pain and suffering. The picture beside his coffin shows him smiling so happily. I don't know where he is right now but at least I'm relieved that he is now free from his weak body. And his death, as well as his sickness, give me a good lesson to learn.

- Don't postpone visiting anyone or be loving to anyone. We think that there're still time and we can do that later, but they might just be gone so soon and there's no way you can return the time.

A week before my uncle's death, the priest at my church told me "blessings go to your sick uncle" and at the moment I had a feeling that God wanted me to visit him on the next weekend, before the schedule of my trip. I wanted to say goodbye to him for the last time. But when the time came, I just let the moment slip pass me by...paying attention to other things in life and thought that I could do it later. One week after that, he passed away.

I have made this kind of mistakes twice already, what a shame.

Temptation of the "FARM"

After watching people playing all these farming games on their computer (HayDay, Harvest Moon, Plantasia, etc.) I used to wonder what it is that makes a lot of people like this type of game. It's not real anyway, all those crops, farm animals, products, and money. They are just imaginary stuff. I rather have a real one, I said to myself. For years, I've watched people playing the games but never tried it. 

But after deciding to try it once, I got myself addicted to one of these games, and now I understand what it is that pull us into this imaginary world and never want to quit.

The sense of "accomplishment" is very tempting indeed. When you do the farming in the games, there are mild challenges for you to overcome. But everything is way, way easier than real life. You plant the crops and they grow right in front of your eyes. Harvesting taking only seconds. Making products take hours but you don't have to shed any sweat, and you don't have to worry about the quality of the products for they are going to come out perfect. And the customers who bought your products will never come back and complain. The truck that delivers your product never have any troubles and the unseen driver never complains that they are tired. Yes, there are challenges, you have to plan the production and the resources. But in the game world, everything is just so easy. The sense of accomplishment is something we feel after we can successfully finish something as we plan, and that can happens so easily in a game. Look, I planted my crops and now they've fully grown I'm going to harvest them! Look, I have harvested the crops and now and I'm about to make some products in the machine! Look, my products are finished now I'm about to sell them. Look, they are sold and I earn so much money!! The sense of doing things successfully is what I felt while I was playing this type of game. I just want to keep doing it without coming back into the real world. I want to complete the orders first, for the customers are waiting. I want to earn a bit more money first because in just half an hour everything will be ready to pack and I will gain a lot of money from three orders finished in a row.

I felt like I'd accomplished things when I play the games, but in truth, all are just imaginary. Nothing is real. Nothing matters to my real life. Nothing helps me become a better person. Nothing makes me any richer. Actually, playing the game made me lose a very valuable thing in real life, "Time." Instead of finishing my work and making myself helpful to others, I was glued to the game and never wanted to stop. I wasted and wasted and wasted the precious time of my real life, just for imaginary accomplishment on the screen.

I am grateful that life has taught me to understand why people are addicted to the game, and I have had enough of that. I don't want to ruin my life any longer. And I really pray that God will help me quit forever, for I believe that trying to get rid of any addiction is impossible without God's grace.

Free Gift of the Sky

When I feel worried or sad, I often look up at the sky. Somehow it makes me feel the sense of freedom and everlasting love, a glimpse of eternity. To me, it seems as though God has created the sky just to remind us something that is far beyond this world. The nature of the sky, the weather, the sun, the moon, and the stars seem to represent the immutable truth of life that we ofen forget but it is always there.

Have you ever stood on a cliff at sunset and look at the endless open sky? Its vastness seems to speak of a particular kind of freedom that the soul is longing for. It also reminds us of the kind of love that is immeasurable and never-ending. The sky is something that we can only gaze and imagine, yet can never grasp how big, how wide it actually is.

The sky and the weather also represent an uncontrollable force, something so big and so powerful. Human invent advanced technology and all kinds of wonderful devices and systems, yet we cannot stop the storm, cannot stop the rain, cannot control the shape of the clouds, and cannot tell the thunder and lightenings to go away. We can only try to predict the weather and adjust our plans to it. We can choose to love it or hate it. We can choose to be grumpy and complain on a rainy day for it is so wet and so inconvenient to go out and commute to work, or we can choose to be happy for the fresh and cool air that come with the rain, enjoy the soothing sound of raindrops falling on the roof, savor the pleasant smell of the Earth, and smile to the beautiful rainbow that appears afterward. We can choose to be scared of thunder or we can choose to look at it with awe and amazement. The same with life, we can choose to detest the pain and sufferrings that come with it, or we can choose to embrace both happiness and sorrow, both ups and downs of the road, as splendid gifts that life offers to us.

The sun, to me, is the symbol of God himself. Whenever I look out the window at dawn or at dusk and saw the sun looking back at me, I couldn't help but stare, smile, and feel so grateful, so loved. The sun is the reassurance the no matter what, God loves us. Whether you are a sinner or a saint, tomorrow when you wake up, the same sun will shine on you as much as it shines one everyone else. Black, white, rich, poor, beautiful, ugly, big, small...and any other human qualities of a person do not matter at all. God loves us unconditionally. All human, as well as other living beings on Earth, receive the gift of warmth and light from the sun that sustain their existance. Without the sun, we cannot exist. Without God, what will be of us? The sad thing is...a lot of us forget how lucky we are that the sun is still shining up there. We often forget the fact that if one day the sun disappears, we will not be able to survive at all. Everyday God is taking care of us but we are so busy that we don't recognize His hand.

The moon and the stars, the gentle guiding light of the night time, can also tell us something important about life as well. We don't see them when the day is bright, but we will see them only at night...the darker the night, the brighter their light will seem to us. Isn't life also that way? We can discover the hidden truth that lies beneath everything only when life is hard and dark. Eternal love of God can be felt deep within us when we are in deepest despair but we choose to look up.

Thank you, dear God, for the sky and everything in it that remind us of You, and the reason why we are here after all.

Addiction, moderation, and total refrainment

I think people are diverse in the ability to resist getting addicted to something. Some people are naturally know how to balance things and how to moderately enjoy the pleasure of life. Some, on the opposite, are easily getting tempted and addicted to worldly desires, whether it is something as simple as food and drink or television show, or something far more serious like drugs.

Moderation is always the best way to live one's life. But for the people in the second group, myself included, the effort to go moderately with things that brings a lot of pleasure can fail miserably. I notice that if I plan to watch a favorite TV show moderately, I would end up spending the whole two hours glued to the front of TV and waste even more time searching for more of it in Youtube. The effort to buy less bottles of Oishi green tea didn't seem to work either. The best way for me is to totally refrain from things that I easily get addicted to, although it means that I have to watch very little television or not at all, or no bottled green tea for the whole month. You see, this method doesn't work with everyone. My best friend and my mother play online games everday but they don't go crazy on it or getting obssessed with it the way I do with TV and bottled green tea. They can easily take moderation with their hobbies.

Nevertheless, I still believe that moderation is still the best, if one is able to hang on to it. And I still hope that one day, when I'm off my obssessive mood and able to gain more control of myself, I will try to step closer to the line of moderation. But for now, I will have to choose between indulging myself with my favorite soap-opera which results in the waste of my time and the ruin of my planned schedules, or totally refrain from it for a while to gain back the balance that I have lost, and move my life into the right direction.

I am working on this kind of silly addiction one by one. If it works then I will try it with other things as well. 

So, if sometimes I act like an ascetic....it's just that I'm very weak, not that I'm pious or religious or anything like that.

Angels walking among us

I once read a book that say there are angels walking among human on Earth, and they look just like us. And I remember an event that happened not so long ago.

I was walking on the pavement where there are a lot of vendors selling things. There was an old Chinese-looking man carrying scrubbing sponges for sale walking toward my direction. He looked so old. I felt sorry for him that he still had to work hard at this age, instead of resting at home. It would not hurt to have some scrubbing sponges for spare, so I asked to buy a few from him. The old man carefully picked up the sponges and handed to me. He picked up a small plastic bag, trying to open it so that I can put the sponges in but he carried so many goods on his hands and arms. So I took the plastic bag from him and said that I could easily do it myself. I hurriedly open the plastic bag but I clumsily keep dropping the mouth of the bag, and then at that moment the old man said kindly,
                  "slowly, take your time, you don't need to rush at all." 

Logically, the words should mean that I don't need to hurriedly open that bag. But somehow my heart listened to it, not just my ears, and my heart knew that he meant another thing. The words of the old man was a wisdom for my life at that moment. He told me to slow things down, not rushing from one thing to another. There was so much kindness, so much love and light, coming from him with his words. It was like a teacher talking to a student or a grandfather talking to a grandchild. It was very strange the way your heart can listen and capture the true message. The heart and soul seem to have ways of their own, and maybe in spirit world, we don't use language like the way we do on Earth, maybe a heart can speak to a heart, a soul can speak directly to a soul, no language barrier in between.

I managed to open the bag and put the sponges in. I smiled and said thank you to the old man. He nodded his head and walked away.

I don't know if he was an angel or just a very wise old man. But somehow he successfully taught me something important on that day.

Little Things to Be Thankful

When life reaches its down time, I find that it is necessary to keep looking for small things to be thankful for, otherwise it would be too hard to continue living.

My days are still gray...and today it was one of the worst....yet there are little moments that I can still recall with a bit of happiness and gratefulness.

- One evening, I thought that I lost my money (payment I just got from teaching) because I keep looking but I couldn't find it. Then I found that it rest safely in a deeper part of my handbag and that whole day, althought filled with many bad lucks, suddenly doesn't seem all too bad. Yes, it was a bad day, but it wasn't too bad, you see. Something worse could have happened but it didn't.This is surely something to be thankful for.

- I left my teaching bag at a food place and wasn't even aware of it. I walked to the bus stop, sit there a while, and how fortunate that the bus hadn't arrived, because the food seller rushed to me with my bag, saying 'you forgot this, right?' I was so thankful.

- I cried myself to sleep this morning, and when I managed to say a little pray in my heart, I felt a gentle breeze blewing from the window, the curtain flapped a little bit and the ray of sunshine touched my face. That was already tender enough for my achingl heart. I was thankful for it.

- I still got some anti-depressant pills to help out, at least on the physical part of my depression. I took one this evening. And it seemed to help. That was a good thing too.

-My dog was so loving to me today. I was stuck in bed for half a day, and when I got up and went downstairs, she greeted me so joyfully, giving me all her love. Her tail was wagging, her eyes were shining, and she hugged me. At least, on the moment that life feel so down and I feel so alone...this beautiful creature of God still loves me just the same. My dog is my true friend, and a friend is always precious.

- I was able to save most of my new laundry from the rain today. Fortunately I took them down from the hanging lines before I left home, otherwise it would be ruined by rain again.

- One of my friends called to consult me about his problem, the only moment that I felt useful today. And another person, a kind lady from the church, tried to encourage me to keep moving on and fight my own weakness, although her words couldn't reach the dept of my despair this time, I was thankful for her kindness, for trying to help.

- Last but not least, I was able to send a heartfelt pray and my love to everyone on Earth who is suffering from depression, feeling worthless, and don't want to continue living. I felt a tie of understanding connect me to them and I could pray for them from the bottom of my heart.

When there is no sunshine

I look up at the sky today, and I see no sun, no light. Just the dark stormy clounds and then the rain pour down...

I have seen the rain before. I have been in a storm before. I know what is like to live under the dark clouds and feeling the gloomy emptiness inside my chest.

The sun always comes back, sooner or later.

But this one seems to be longer than expected...it just keeps on raining and raining everyday, both the sky and my heart. And I wonder when it will be over....

Then I hear Satan whispers "This one won't get better. They want to force you til you can't breathe and you will have to surrender and do something you don't want to do. You have no choice this time...see I told you, it's all a lie...all that you have believed...all are illusion, including that great love you used to belive in so much..hahaha!"

Nightmare and fear...depressive morning...heaviness of the heart...dryness of the soul ...inability to be on time with anything and everything....all the events that causes pain, guilt, anxiety, keep pouring in non-stop.

Then I hear my angel whispers "you should rejoice for it times like this when your soul have a chance to grow. Just endure and pray and never stop believing that God loves you. One day there will be no tears, one day there will be no pain. Try to open your heart. The sun is still there but the clouds are blocking the way. Just focus on love. Only focus on love.     Not yourself nor the negativity of your mind. Just let go and love...everything and everyone...eventhough your heart is aching...and it will be ok...it will be alright."

I listen to the rain falling on my rooftop tonight.
And then...I try to smile...through my tears.

sorry and repent

Yesterday I was very selfish. I thought that I had my reason for not being there early in the morning to take care of my sick uncle in the hospital when my mother asked me to because the caretaker was already there and another relative will soon be there. I postponed the visit to night time, I put meals, jobs, and other things before doing this kindness. When I arrived there, there was nothing for me to do,  the caretaker told me that his worst time of pain were during mornign and day time and now he is deep asleep because of the drug that the doctor injected. She said today his terrible pain returned and he suffered a lot. I felt so guilty and I felt really sorry for what I have done, taking other trivial things in life to be more important than kindness for others. If I had been there earlier, at least I can be an encouragement, at least I can pray and ask God to lessen the pain.

Last night, I told Jesus that I was really, really sorry and I wouldn't be selfish like that again. There is a deep peace when you totally repent and surrender. Something inside will tell you that a new day will come and and you can try again when new opportunity arises.

And I will try again...to be kind. Please help me, dear God, to know what are the higher priorities of life.

Three messages

I am very, very depressed today. I can't do anything at all, not even pray. But since I still remember the messages from God that I learned in the past few days before the depression got the best of me, so I just want to record them down, I don't know why. I can't do anything else, not even sit and ponder about these messages. But it's a good thing...to write something from God, for someone might one day make use out of it. I don't know how long my life will be anyway.

- This one I got it from a person, If someone hurts you, it means that God allows you to have that suffering. It doesn't have anything to do with that person actually. Just let them be and they will have to deal with their own sin, they will have to report to God themselves about what they have done, so there is no need for you to do anything toward that person. Just accept the suffering and let go. 

-This one I got it from a person and from another source on the same day. I'm quite sure that it is something important for the moment. "Love is the most important thing. Do all things with love and don't be confused if things in the world can be so different. One thing maybe right for one person, another thing maybe right for another person. Just focus on love and you will be alright. Faith, hope, and spiritual gift are important, but none is more important than love."

- This one I got it from the Bible after I prayed wholeheartedly and asked him about the Great Tribulation that many people said it it coming very soon. I asked God about what I should do, how I shoud prepare. He gave me this same message twice on two different days for the same question, so I'm quite certain it is the correct message. "Just follow my commands: Love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. Love your neighbors as yourself. And remember, that Jesus is granted the power from God to be the Lord of all and he can command the universe. Believe in Him."

That's it. I have nothing more to write. I am very, very depressed.

single women are not the same

 Everytime when people know that I am single, they always assume that I must be looking for a boyfriend or to catch a husband. It's such a pain to me that many people have judged me that way. Some people, out of their good heart, expect that my depression coming out from being single and suggest that I should be in love! Oh, I just don't know what to say. No no no! That matter for me is rest within God's hand and I have already asked him that either He will send me one who is truly going to bring a peace of mind and help me serve the Lord and fulfill my destiny on Earth, or He would give me none and I would try to be a bride of Christ instead. I will not go back to my ex-boyfriend. I will not "seek" for anyone new. I even asked the Lord that if He had planned specific someone for me, that person will come to me in such a way that I don't have to seek, or look, or try, or do anything. It would be a gift. I must not seek and I will not seek. No more.

And I also asked the Lord, that if it would be best for my life to stay single, that I will. No matter what they say. Life is just a period of time and if God has decided for me that way, then I trust his decision for it's always the best. Actually, if I know how to feel God's love more deeper, I would be so assured that I need no one else.

I guess people have made that assumption about me seeking a guy because a lot of single women my age are that way. They just try to be nice, to be helpful, I guess.  Well, if they talk to me like this many many years ago, they might make the right assumption. There were my younger years when I sort of look out for that special someone. But not the me right now. I don't think that way anymore. Although the stab of loneliness can still be felt some time when I see people couples, weddings, or family. But that stapbs of pain only happen when my spirit is low. My subconsciousness might be weak at times but at least in my consciousness I do know that I will no more trying to "look for love."

The painful thing that results from people assuming all single women to be the same is that they act toward single women my age as if they are "husband stealers" or "bitches" that they have to avoid or protect their loved ones from. I was in such a situation before, every now and then, and I know how painful it can feel. Although people don't act that way directly, they act so indirectly.

Greetings from me to all independent single women in the world who share the same thoughts with me and have to go through the same kind of judgement from society. I know that you can stand on your own feet although some people may not believe so.
My consolation to you in your agony.

Under this shadow

Alone...lying down here in the pool of mud
Still hope for a stair...a way up...a helping hand
No...not a sight of that yet

Under this shadow
My eyes cannot see well
Under this shadow
My heart can only beat with sorrow

They say...let your heart be still
I say...please show me how
For something that maybe easy for you
can be the most difficult thing for me

Under this shadow
All I can do is trying to survive
Under this shadow
All I can do is just...stay alive

Alone...lying down here in the abyss
Still hoping, still looking out
For love and kindness
Does anybody have left to share?

 Under this shadow
I cannot digest knowledge
I cannot take in spiritual practices
I am hungry for love
I am thirsty for kindness

But all I have to eat now
just a couple of tranquilizers

Do not hurt me no more
Please...
I am fragile at this moment
I can break into pieces
With just one mean word
With just one cold glance

Under this shadow
Still trying to find rest in God
But since I can't find it yet
I beg all of you
to have mercy... 

Deeper Depression

I have nothing much to write here, because my condition has worsen since last night. Both of my depression and anxiety problem was getting much better during the day time yesterday, but then they seem to double late last night and this morning. I think I'm facing a harder trial (viewing it positively) or I have been punished (viewing it negatively).

What makes it worse is that the hope and faith seem to dry up even more. Something seem to be playing with my guilt and the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night symptoms with lots of negative thoughts in my head seem to worsen. Maybe I really need to pop some pills just to help combat it physically at least. Maybe consulting with a doctor can be helpful too.

Another thing that makes it more harder to overcome this time is...it's hard for me to pray. Praying is very important but right now something inside my spirit is such a turmoil and it takes away a lot of concentration, faith, hope, love and it adds in a lot of fear and guilt.

For now, I am doing another experiment to see what might be the spiritual cause of my worsen conditions. The last experiment that I tried to find out what caused the fatique seem to work pretty well. The first suspect was not the cause. The second suspect might be part of the course, because after removing it, my condition got better. I have not yet experimented with the third suspect, because it involves talking to a person. I have to prepare myself well for that because in my low spirit, talking to someone who has recently said things whidch hurt your feeling can make the condition worsen. Still necessary to do though. And overall, I also believe that lack of exercise can be part of the long-term physical cause as well.

For my worsen condition, so far I have two suspects. I have just experimented one of them and will wait to see the result. I have to do this experimenting stuff because I can't trust my reasoning ability that much lately. My mind is not well. It can present so many things as the cause which may lead to unnecessary guilt.

This is "My Resting Place" so I just write down anything to give my mind more rest.

The Balance

 The following writing is just my own opinion. It might be right or it might be wrong, I don't know. I just want to share an opinion, a point of view, that's all.

I have read that life of human being consists of earthly things and spiritual things in half. Human soul is longing to have the colorful adventurous experience of the Earth, which it cannot find up in Heaven, at the same time  it also seeks to rest still in the heart of eternity, its true Home. Therefore, the best way to live on Earth should be the balance of both. One cannot runaway from earthly experience which contain some truths that the soul has to learn right here on the Earth plane. At the same time, the soul should not forget its spiritual nature,as well as the peace and quietness of eternal things and the bliss of Heaven, for it is the soul's true Home.

I have noticed that some people are very fond of the physical world and its variety of wonders ,while some people are fond of the mystery of the spiritual world and life on "the other side." Some seek to spend their lives relating to all living beings, blending themselves peacefully with the world, the people, the animals, the plants, and the environment, finding pleasure in doing things lovingly for others by using their physical body and kindness of their heart, while some other people seek to live in solitude, praying days and nights, digging deeper and deeper into one's own soul to discover the path toward God, and learning more about the supernatural and the mystical world.

I don't think we should judge that one thing must be better than the other. Both are necessary and are important in their own way.  Remember, God gives us two commands: love thy God and love thy neighbors.To me, the word thy neighbors do not mean only human, but every living being on Earth. We should somehow seek to live peacefull and lovingly with everything and everyone, stay in service for all, and find our place among the Earth citizen and find our bond with all lives. At the same time, we must not neglect our spiritual goal and the importance of being still and quiet, looking within, seeking the inner pathway that we can discover the bond that we  have with our Eternal Father. If we forget this, then we forget the whole purpose of life as well.

It reminds me of my godmother and her sister. I adore both of them. My godmother has so much wisdom of the inner life and she can explain to me a lot about spiritual quest: how to persevere in times of trials and sorrow, how to be still and surrender to God's will, how to stay quiet and just let the answer occur inside the mind. I believe that my godmother's spirit is like gold that has been purified by fire. But her sister doesn't like to talk about all these deep stuff, she prefers talking about health, food, and social duties, but her kind and loving heart is already a representative of God's love toward all. She was the person who gives me my first rosary. She just love to give and give, and always know what to give. She is joyful and she likes to view things with a bit of humor. She doesn't teach me spiritual things but she always know how to take me to where  I can get those spiritual knowledge. I just adore her kind heart and I believe that although her calling is different from my godmother, both of them are equally loved by God.

In Darkness there is Light

After several days in a depressed and anxious state of mind, I tried to accept the condition as inevitable and as God's will. I tried to figure ways to survive in such hard times and discovered two wonderful truths:

1) Counting blessings can help a lot. In every dark day, there are always sparkles of light hidden here and there. Small beauty and kindness can mean so much to you and you are more keen to seek for positiveness instead of negativeness. I've been lacking energy in my body for most part of the each day, but still, there is always a period of time each day that I can find energy and freshness, although not very long.

2) Being weak like this makes me rely on God so much. I had to pray to Him even for ordinary little things in life,  like going to a bank or finishing up a simple task. God was so kind to me. I found that if I try to rely on my own strength alone, I will fail over and over again. But whenever I pray and ask God for help, that thing will get done successfully or even amazingly.

Nothing else to say. But thanks be to God.

lack of faith and more suffering

I just deleted my latest post because it was written out of the spirit of fear instead of trust in God.

It is very important to stay trusting and to have faith and hope. But sometimes that can be really hard when you face one of your deepest fears. A fear you don't even know where it comes from for it seems to surface from deep within.

But I will choose to trust Him anyway. I will no longer believe in signs or dreams that came to scare me about this particular subject. I will continue to remind myself that God has my future safe in His hand. 

Last night...terrible condition of anxiety and nightmare returns to me, I had very little sleep.
This morning....I woke up late again.
This afternoon...things got much better and I could feel the energy return to my body. I  was able to pray with faith and trust.
Tonight....I got stuck with television...oh!!! What a shame! Then I fell asleep on the sofa.
Very late tonight....more nightmare and anxiety. Now I'm up in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I will try to gather the little bit of faith ( I don't have a lot now.) And I will believe that even the suffering now is also included in the plan of God and it's just an obstacle to overcome along the way. I will try to separate the negative thoughts that suddenly pop up in my head at night whether it is something that my inner self trying to tell me or it is just something my mind make up because my mind is sick. I will consult the doctor if I have to.

some mistakes I made today

Talking about going around people on a day of low spirit, I made quite a lot of mistakes.
-I forgot to say hello to an elderly person who has been very kind to me.I just simply walked pass by and I didn't know why I did that.
-I didn't follow a suggestion to add more tables, fail to notice that there are not enough space for us all, and I left another person who has been kind to me eating outside the table because I thought he was talking to someone else on the other table. If I had known that he was sitting alone there, I would have just pulled in a chair. I really didn't know at first because somebody was blocking my view, I swear.
- I guess there are more but I don't know for my conscience wasn't clear.

Anyway, next time I will avoid being with people who are not my close friends on my day of low spirit. I would just go home.The person who was supposed to be outside that table today should be me.

I am comfortable around my best friends.
I am comfortable around total strangers (if no one pressure me to be with them)
I am very, very uncomfortable among acquaintances who know me but don't know me well.

Anyway, I apologize for all those mistakes I made today.

More despair...but God still there

My condition of fatique is still here when I get home. Actually it's been with me almost all day today, inside my soul.  At least, although I still can't find the cause, I find out something that is not the cause. Going to confession doesn't help. That means not going to confession is not the cause of the fatique. I have two more suspects to go, and if both are not the cause, then I know it is God's will for me to suffer this because of his own reason, and if that is so, I will accept it gladly. I will just do my best in this condition, and try to take care of my health the best that I can. The rest is up to God.

I should have trusted my instinct today. I didn't regret going to church but I regret staying for lunch. I should have done what I decided to do in the morning, after a painful wake-up. My spirit is low today, and in such condition, I can easily cause troubles to others or I can get hurt by others so easily. (This is an exception with my close friends. The last meeting with both groups of my close friends lifted my spirit up greatly.)

Words of others hurt me today. I believe it came out of their good will for they want to help me improve. I tried to take in their opinion and I came home to search my heart thoroughly if I am what they said I am...someone with layers, someone who is pretentious or fake...someone who wears a mask. I still can't see myself that way. They said that I should be a child. But...I already be who I am. I might not be able to act so spontaneously among them, for they are not my close friends who have known me for like ten years. And they seem to set themselves as teachers, as respectable adults, they don't treat me like friends so I can't be that freely, purely myself the way I'm with my best friends. But I never wear my mask to hurt anyone and something that may seem like a mask to them maybe my effort of trying to keep everyone happy, trying not to offend anyone. It's just an effort of person with social anxiety trying her best to socialize. I hope they forgive me if anything I do offend them or make them feel that I am insincere. And today, in such a low spirit, I could not be very loving and my conscience was unclear.

This is the second event that they hurt me. The first time, some weeks ago, I accepted it because something they said were really true and I should consider it although it hurts. God was with me on that day and I wasn't angry at them because what they said were true, although it hurt so badly. But this time I asked God how I should view it, and God gave me the same message twice, from two different places, but exactly the same message. It can be concluded as "Forgive and love them, for you have to love even those who treat you badly." He didn't say that the fault is on my part this time. They meant well in saying it, I believe, but it's not useful to me for I can't improve myself on that message. I am already myself in this awkward personality. Just as best as I can be right now. I can't see myself changing anything. If I change my personality, to be more childlike or playful, then I would be faking. Because, yes I can be childlike and playful sometimes, but only around those who treat me with a lot of laughter and friendliness.

However, they also said something that is true about me as well. My head is full of too much thoughts and God's voice can't penetrate in. I know it's been my problem for a long long time and I just don't know how to solve it. Thanks be to you, dear God, for many times you would communicate to me through other things instead for you know that I have this problem. This morning, while I was stuck in bed, you even sticked in a message of encouragement into my spiritual ears although my head was whirling with thoughts and heaviness. One short and simple message that meant a whole lot to me.

I lost a lot of tears today. The pain was there because it always hurt when people try to change you for the better and you know that you can't because you are just this way. Next time they see me I will still be that way, I can't change to be anything else. If they still think that I am pretentious or wearing a maks, then I would have to let them think that way.  I am already a child because I am so helpless right now. I can't do it any better now. Today the most peaceful moment that I had in church was the moment when I think of what I learn from the book of St.Theresa of Avila, and keep praying "oh, dear God, Thy will be done. I will accept anything. Even if I would feel nothing after receiving the Holy Spirit, I would accept it too." Actually, I really felt nothing when the priest sent the Holy Spirit. But I came back to my seat and thank God for it, and then I felt so much peace and relief inside and He really did give me the tears, to clean my soul of so much despair. I felt that He he helped me to bend down, humble down, and totally accept God's will, for he knew that I couldn't do it by myself alone. I just told him the other day that I need His help on this. Thanks be to God.

And today, although no one in the lunch conversation didn't give me any clear answer, now I know that my aunt was really there in my dream, it wasn't the devil work. I came home and asked God seriously for a sign, a clear sign. I needed to know because the message might be important, but I don't want to be deceived by any bad spirit either. And God really gave me that sign, so clearly, and it left me with no doubt. My sister told me that she also dreamed of her, and my mother too. It seemed that my aunt has been tried to contact us for she has something to tell us. My sister encouraged me to follow the message I received in my dream. This happened just a few hours after I asked for the sign from God. Thank you so much again, dear God. One clear message and one clear sign from you to this girl whose head is full of too much thoughts and whose face is wet with too much tears greatly remind me that You are my best friend and you will always be forever. Your mercy and your love will always be there.  Thank you so much from my heart.

Mysterious Fatique

Sometimes I wonder what is the main cause of it, this mysterious fatique. Suddenly it just occurs and I feel no energy. I have not been working too hard, and I have had enough sleep lately. This fatique often comes with the inability to get up from bed and the lack of desire to work and do what I need to get done. Depression? But how can it be when I have no reason to be depressed? I also notice that in the past few days it comes after prayer, like praying the rosary. Isn't it weired? Praying should be something to refresh you, not sapping your energy. Lately, I also notice that sounds and noises in the surrounding disturb me very easily. At this moment as I am writing, the chewing sound of a person eating dinner is disturbing me very much. Fortunately, I am aware when it happens and try not to get moody.

Anyway, all that I can do is just surrender to the experience and accept it with a smile. When I can find the energy to get up, I get up. When I can't, I ask God to help me. But if my body feels very weak and my eyes feel heavy, I just have to let them do what they want. I just lie there and sleep.

Life consists of good and bad days anyway. If I must go through this again, then I will. Hope that one day I will find the answer, find out what causes this mysterious fatique.

simple minds and unselfish hearts

Sometimes people in your life are there to inspire you or help you realize something about yourself. Let me tell you a few stories of a few people that I know.

P'Kay has been my favorite cousin since I was a little child and she still is. Although she has moved to another province and we have not seen each other for like ten years or more, I still felt the same about her the last time that we met. I just simply like her. At first I don't really understand why, but then I try to look deeper within and found that her simplicity and kindness is what I always adore in my cousin. Maybe these two things are what I lack and want to have more, or maybe they balance out my character. P'Kay has always been so simple, funny, and kind. In my childhood, I remember her playing with me and the other young children at my grandmother's house, making us laugh with small and simple jokes. I still remember that whenever she comes to join us, there is always joy. Yes, I remember the other older cousins too, they were fun to play with, but no one was like her. She doesn't mind making herself look foolish so that other people can laugh. She never boast and never say anything arrogant about herself at all. Her aim is life is never too ambitious either. Her kindness is expressed so straightforwardly. Her worries and fear are expressed in an honest and simple way as well.  She often says a lot of kind words, caring words, to others. I think one of the reasons I like to be with her is that I feel so comfortable and at ease. She is just simply herself and she loves us. In my opinion, this is one of the ladies who is a great material for "motherhood." Her son is quite a proof of that. A cheerful, brave, responsible young boy who loves his mother so much.

And me...yeah...quite the opposite. I like to look at things too complicately. I don't express myself spontaenously. I am too much into intellectual stuff that I often forget to notice the needs of those around me. Sometimes I can't help but think that if one day I will have a man as a partner of my life, that person must have a lot of her qualities: simple, kind, funny, and constant. I need all of that to balance my complex stressful side. I can't tell jokes but I love listen to them. My emotion is so unstable that I really need someone to be an achor of my mind, helping it to rest still.

Isn't it funny? My best friend has a lot of her qualities too. And we are friends for years and years, going through thick and thin together, for we are quite a good balance for each other.

Another person I want to talk about is my friend, Add. We know each other from the university but don't have a lot of opportunities to spend much time together. Mostly we meet up in group, with the rest of our friends. However, once in a while we will have some long talk on the phone and the last time I was lucky enough to meet her in person for a meal. Her life is an inspiration to me. She has endured so much hardship, and most of the time is because she cared about other people so much that she didn't want to refuse their request. She has taken care of more than 3 sick and stuck-in-bed people in her family, a job that no one else want to do so they give it all to her. She has to work on the thesis while changing their diapers, washing their bed sheet, or feeding them. She has raised two children, her nephew and niece, as if she was their mother. She carried them in her arms so often that her arm's muscle ache and cause a pain in her teeth. She did all that, fighting the resentment and anger inside her mind, for she knows that she has been taken advantage of. She just tried to do her best with the present until all the trials are over. Now life has granted her the rest and freedom that she really deserves. She won a scholarship to study abroad for 6 months, a whole time for herself to find and follow her dream.

Add makes me look at myself as a rather selfish person. I don't have to take care of any sick people or little children. When I have a project or when I study, I don't allow anyone to disturb me. I usually ignore all the houseworks when I'm very busy. It is not innated in my character to place my parent's needs above my own. What a shame, actually. 

Add is also one woman who is truly happy to stay single and she has quite good reasons for it. I believe that she is one who won't suffer the pain of loneliness even if she stay single all her life. She knows how to love those around her, and how to be peaceful with herself.

"When you get very old and can't do a lot of things you love to do, won't you feel lonely without a family of your own?"
"At that time, I would just sit and enjoy the memory of the things I have done earlier in my life then. I can be happy with that. It's enough for me."
"What about children, you don't want to have any children of your own?"
"Why do we have to produce children of our own when there are so many orphaned children in the world that we can give love to? " (I absolutely agree with that idea.)

Our last conversation from the meal that night was that we agree to one thought: just do our best in the present moment, and on our last breath, there is nothing to fear.

Thank you, Add, for having a meal that night. You are an incredible person. Now, I want to be less selfish and do more things for others. And I won't worry so much anymore whether I will have to live my life without a partner. Life can be lived alone, and happiness can still be found in it.

Which way, Which path?

I don't know when I first said this prayer, but I've been asking God to grant me three most important things of my life. Let me not talk about number 2 and 3 for now. Although they are very important to me, but they still have to be below my number one wish.


My number one wish, the most important goal of my life, the thing that I want to have above all things, is....to find my place on Earth, to find my destiny and complete the task that is there for me to do right here in this life, to be able to know God more and more and get closer and closer to Him, to be able to reflect the light to the world, the light that is not my own but comes from God.


I remember myself praying....my life is in Your hand, dear God. Please guide me anywhere to do anything you want me to do. Make me become the person you have planned. You know me well more than I know myself.


But...I also remember myself saying "Well, but I don't want to be your disciple, I don't think I can be a disciple. It's too hard and heavy for me. I believe it's for those who are born just for it. Just put me with a task on Earth. I just want to be an ordinary citizen of the world."

Disciple, in my understanding, mean the people who received direct teaching from Him and devote their whole life on Earth just to spread his teachings, like the 12 disciples of Jesus. They have to go through a lot of tough things, I mean very, very tough. I know that some people on Earth right now are still his disciples.

My two prayers seem to be in conflict with each other:
Dear God, I'm yours, make me whatever you want me to be ....and then....
No, no, not being a disciple...it must be too hard for me.

Maybe God would laugh a little and say...dear child, in your first prayer, you already ask to become my disciple. Isn't it a little funny the way you pray that and said that you don't want to be my disciple? I'm already starting to make you become what I want you to be.


But life is free choices and free will. So God let me choose as well. And lately, there seem to be a question, whether I want to stay a bit worldly, serving Him but not stepping out of the line, not being very different from others and still enjoy a bit of worldly pleasure here and there as opportunities give (which is not wrong, of course) OR whether I would really separate myself from this world and focus on the next world, totally devote myself to my spiritual life and only cares for what matters to Heaven.


But...I also remember a night when my passed away Grandma came to me in my dream, caressing the palm of my hand, and said "My dear, you can't go to the extreme in this life. Your path is the middle way." So I really don't know which path is meant for me.


So far, I only feel 3 things that seem to lead me to my calling. These 3 things seem to fall right into my heart and put me at peace once the thought has dawned on me. If I do anything in this life that lead me toward these, it would feel right in my heart.


1) To love. Focus my life on love. To make others feel that they are ok the way God made them and that they are loved so unconditionally.To let them know that although they fall, again and again they can still get up and go on.There are so many people who just need to be loved, not taught, nor led. I just couldn't help feeling that if I can live my life in the way that I can make other people, maybe the children, feel this way about themselves, I would feel that a purpose in life is completed. Nick, the man without arms and legs, inspired me to discover this longing in my heart. His soul shines so brilliantly that you can see his beauty even inside a very handicapped body.


2) To see God beyond the boundary of faiths and religions. Although I know that I would never ever leave my path as a Christian, because this is where I belong, and Jesus has done so much for me and I am nothing without him. But God sent me signs and messages more than once that I should not let anything confuse me that God can only be found in one faith, for He is far greater than that and no one can lock him up. No one has the right to say that God loves one group of people more than another. I have asked Him question about other religions since I was younger and I remember his answer in my dream very well. I remember that picture of Jesus as a shepherd, and then that picture is suddenly torn in the middle by something invisible and there is a voice saying "Do not think of Me as a human only" and then I saw something like vapour floating up into the sky. And I understood right away that it was an answer to my question. God is also spirit and he can be anywhere, anything. He even gave me a Bible verse to go with this, a verse that says one day people will no longer worship Him in any church, but will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And now as I'm an adult, God still sends me this message in several other ways, and every time the message reaches me, I feel so much at peace. It feels so right in my heart. And I found this calling also on the morning of my 33rd birthday, as I left the Buddhist temple to go join the mass in a Catholic church. I felt wonderful that I can learn to find God in different places, in different way.



3) To learn to access the spiritual world and be able to receive direction from God more directly and to feel His love more deeply. It would be wonderful if I can view this world from both my human eyes and spiritual eyes. I know that we are living in a box called human body and that really blocks you from seeing the truth of things in this world and in the universe. Our five senses is very limited. However, I am not sure yet if this is my calling. It seems that those who can do this must have the gift of "meditation" and I don't. I used to meditate well when I was a child, I came back to do it as an adult and I could do it a bit but then lately God just took it away from me, I can't do it at all. However, someone told me that there is another different way to learn to do it, but I must wait. So I just wait. But I'm really not sure if I will be blessed in such a way. The only thing that give me a tiny bit of hope was the memory of the spiritual gift that I used to have when I was a teenager.
       It was OBE (out-of-body experience). It happened to me spontaneously since I was 13 years old, I didn't meditate or try to make it happen. Since then I no longer doubt whether spiritual world existed. I realized that we are originally spirits and the body is just the temporary form of existance. (I also learned that it is so much better to be without phyical body, it feels so light and so free) But since my OBE journeys were mostly random and without a specific purpose, I was afraid that if it happened to me on the day that I was depressed or spiritually low, I might end up slipping off to some scary parts of the universe during OBE. That was why one day I prayed to God to take it away, and only let it happenned to me with a good purpose. After that prayer, the experience rarely happened to me. Only once in a while when God wanted me to pray for some spirits, to visit someone, or just to encourage me and soothe my troubled soul. I almost have none of the experience these days. But someone told me that the OBE happened to me because my soul has been gifted in the past and maybe when I grow older in this life, I might relate to the mission that I have to do on Earth. Well, that was someone saying, you know. Not God. I don't know if God wants me to have anything to do with the spirit worlds while I'm still living. And if I was hoping for it too much, wanting it too much, desiring it too much, then it will never happen. I can't put anything above God's will. If his answer is a "No" then I will accept it and live this world inside my box of five dull senses and just being loving to others till my last breath. Death is coming to free me one day anyway. I don't have to live in physical body forever anyway.

I am still waiting for more relevation about my mission on Earth, about the path that is best for me to walk. One thing I know, when I find something right, my heart has so much peace, it is the peace that beyond anything on Earth, and when that happens, I don't doubt or sway by indecisiveness, the way I often do a lot in my life. When God speaks to someone's heart, it is so powerful, more powerful than anything.

And I am waiting. Yes, I am waiting.